Any unfinished business in your life shows up when you have children. When they enter into a season, you enter that season with them, and your unfinished "stuff" shows up. One of my seasons of unfinished business showed up when my daughters began dating.
As a girl, I was well loved by my mother. I felt ugly because I had determined that having coke bottle glasses, being taller than everyone else, larger than everyone else, and having the usual middle school acne, deemed me as such. My mother would tell me daily how beautiful I was, I did not believe her. My father loved me. He is a very cuddly person, always quick with a hug and a kiss for his girls. I honestly cannot think of a negative thing my father has ever said to me about me. Ever. He has always been proud of me and has told me this my whole life. My parents were divorced, and I did not like this, however, I was well loved by both of them. My step parents were kind to me. Never a negative word was ever spoken to me by either of them. Ray, who lived with us, was always telling me how proud he was of me. always. I simply felt ugly. My peer group did confirm this every day by telling me so, thus cementing this idea in my mind.
My first kiss was traumatic. I was at a summer camp for the first time. I was 13, the summer after my 7th grade year. I did have an older look about me, I suppose, being that I was so tall. A counselor followed me out of a service, put his arm around me, and said, lets go for a walk and talk. I had no wisdom, I had no experience, I did feel a bit uncomfortable, but I was shy, quiet, unsure of myself, so I went. He walked me behind a row of cabins and simply full on, no warning, started to "kiss" me, if thats what you want to call that "attack". I got away from him, ran to my cabin sobbing, brushed my teeth as many times as I could, and just laid in bed and cried. No one knew what to do with me. No one called my mother to come and get me. I had to stay at the camp the rest of the week, terrified this man would try to come after me again.
The following summer I went back to this camp. It actually became a very special place for me, despite that traumatic experience. I was determined at the age of 14 to erradicate the first bad kiss experience with a good kiss experience. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted good kissing. I did meet someone, he was very nice, but too old to be chasing after someone fresh out of 8th grade. My mother was not pleased. NOT PLEASED. The ride home from that camp experience was anything but good.
The wheels in motion for my definition of beauty were set in place. I got contact lenses, I wanted all the male attention I could because I deemed male attention meant I was beautiful. And so began my dating journey.
I am happy to say that back then we stayed within our church circles. The reason I say this is because I can walk around Bangor and not see all the guys I chased after, sought after unabashedly, unashamedly. I had an experience at a cross country meet several years ago when one of the boys I had "dated" was there with one of his daughters, watching the cross country meet. He came up to me, all smiles, kind of that knowing look, like, I KNOW YOU JULIE. Lets stand here and talk while I size up your life to find it acceptable. I walked away wishing I had never dated him. NEVER. It was stupid.
I realized just recently I have so much "baggage" from those dating years. I craved that attention. It became something I needed. Multiple males telling me how wonderful I was. I dated one guy that never called me by my name, he only called me "Gorgeous". He ruined that word for me. I still cringe to this day when I hear that word. When I was first married to Carl it never occurred to me I would have to give up other male attention. I knew I was married, I loved my husband, but one man's attention was simply not enough. I was a flirt. I was overly charming. I used my looks to get my way. It hurt my husband, but I really wasn't caring because I thought he was lucky to be with me, not the other way around..
None of this is easy for me to write, but I write it to come to this point.
One Man is Enough.
Did I date some nice guys, yes, but many of them were not.
Did I need to? NO.
If I could turn back time, I would say, Carl would have been the only one I needed to date. He's the only one I needed to kiss, needed to have close intimate time with. There are times I hear a song, or smell something, or see a person, and it brings back a wash of memories I wish I did not share with anyone else but Carl. He would say the same thing. Neither of us entered into our relationship free of baggage. BUT
We will tell you, our kisses mean the most.
Our intimacy means the most.
After almost 28 years being in a relationship with this man, the only thing I would have done different is not waited that extra year to marry him. I had too many rules and expectations. Fortunately Carl was smitten. And we were both a mess in different ways, but knew we were meant to be together. And we did love each other, had a shadow of the faith we share today, and plenty of people praying for us.
God has changed both of us. My pattern and neediness for male attention has been eradicated. But I wish the serial nature of that behavior had never started. Carl's constant desire to always be right has been softened over time. The need to know everything to feel secure in his faith, has dissolved so he can enjoy church & God in the way the works for him. So many changes over the years. So many.
I am grateful for the changes.
And then you have dating daughters.
And everything surfaces once again, and you want to just fix everything for them. Because you know what is right because you have been there, done that, would not do this or that, and know what is good. You want to save them.
And then you move into love. Realizing that ultimately God is already working. And maybe, just maybe, He actually DID have a plan all along. (Of course He did!)
Have faith parents. God is working. He does have a plan, for US and our children.
God Bless You all in this Unknown, Uncharted Journey. God knows, and he has a plan.
Love, from my nest to yours,
Julie Robbins
