Imma little scared.......

Yes, I am. I can be a fearful person. I just sent a message this morning to a friend and someone who is going to come with me this afternoon to meet Mom. I let him know, Hey, Mom has this rule about taking off your shoes in her house. I just wanted to let you know and see if that is a problem for you. The response was, No, not a problem, but thanks for the heads up. I responded with...I know, weirdo messages early on a Sunday morning...You will say after this, Now I know why she's messed up, I'm a little nervous....Yes, I can tell....no need to be.....

No need to be.....

No need to be nervous??????????

ohmyg...I'm anxious and nervous and scared, right now, over thinking life in general.

Here's a peek....in the window of Jules.....thoughts that have run through my brain my whole life.

What If?

What if they think I'm weird?
What if I do or say something wrong?
What if I'm not pretty?
What if they leave?
What if she won't be my friend anymore?
What if I'm honest, I hurt you, and you are gone forever?
What if I say No?
What if I say Yes?
What if I just let life happen, and I don't like it?
What if I miss out on _______?
What if I gain weight?
What if I'm broke and homeless?
What if I say what I feel and you reject me, my feelings, everything?
What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm right, because my gut does know...it does..

If you aren't a nervous wreck after reading this ping pong of emotions that runs through my mind you are a very strong, centered person, whom I strive and wish and desire to be.

Part of the reason I began Heart of the Moon Consciousness Therapy with Grace Smith was because I had actually tried EVERYTHING else. As I learned to center my Self, Love my Self, acknowledge my Self, and desired to heal my Self of hurts that brought me to these scared emotions all kinds of things came up.

As a parent, I have tried to absolutely protect my children. A very loving dear Love said to me I was defensive, and did not need to be with them, I could absolutely be myself, no judgement. When Grace and I talked about that, her first comment to me was..."That person loves you. They are trying to show you love." I never thought of it like that. And we reframed the possibility that I've been in protection mode, which looks like me protecting everything about my Self, including my children because I am afraid. But, when feeling loved, accepted, and not judged, I can be unafraid. I don't need to be anxious.

So why did I send that message this morning???? Because I was afraid. Busted.
I cared what this person was going to think or say after spending time with my Mom, but still wanted their professional opinion, so I am going to do this meeting today anyway. And as a thank you, I'm taking them out for dinner afterwards...woot woot....my favorite part of the day...eating... LOL.

Sometimes, just sometimes, even when you are practicing the things that you think will work to bring you into peace, you aren't there. Sometimes you want something, and you have to wait. Sometimes you have to patient with yourself especially when you realize there is still work to do. Sometimes you have to love your Self, even when you don't like your responses. Sometimes you have to stop judging your Self so harshly, and give your Self a mental hug. All this acceptance of my Self is very hard work.

I heard a song this morning. It warmed my heart and gave me happy thoughts, and assured me that every little thing would be alright.... music is a good thing to calm the soul....

So, as I go about my day Less Afraid, or maybe, not at all afraid....

Knowing that every little thing will be okay....

I love you. All of You. All of it. Life....

Love, Jules

That time you thought life was difficult???? Nah....

I remember when I was giving birth to Kristen. It took 2 hours and 23 minutes to push her out. She was 8lbs 3 oz. 22 inches long.... and it was hard to get her out. I had a midwife, no drugs, and I had taken Lamaze so I knew how to do the breathing....HEY!!!! THIS MAY BE WHY I HATE BEING TOLD TO BREATHE....ptsd from giving birth, now that actually makes sense....

Not to be grossly graphic, but the stretching and positions I was put in to move her, oh my dear god, I thought I was going to die. At one point Carl turned on a video camera, oh my god, why does anyone tape this stuff....and later when he was trying to watch it, and I heard myself sobbing this etheral sounds, like, seriously in relief and agony, at the same time, after she finally came out....I made him turn it off, because it almost sounded like a hurt and dying animal....it wracked me to my core to just hear that level of pain....that was me. I thought that was the worst.

I went on to have 4 more pregnancies, I have been pregnant 6 times. I thought each miscarriage would kill me. My other 2 live births went without a hitch. Except Elizabeth was almost born in the car because I went into labor early, and fast, and we hadn't gotten the car inspected, so, yes, Carl stopped to get the car inspected....we made it to Bangor from Howland in 20 minutes...

I thought the first heart break in the house was going to kill me. If you haven't experienced your daughter's first break up, you have not lived as a parent. Sorry, its a special kind of hell. But, we went on to weather more pain in that area, to which, I seriously wish I had started drinking sooner....don't judge me. When your kid is in emotional pain, you want to die, because there is nothing you can do.

Elizabeth's back surgery. The ride home from Boston Children's Hospital post op..... No one in their right mind wanted to be in that van. I wanted the oxy and valium. Double doses. And the summer that followed....oh my god.....Carl slept on the floor next to her at night in the downstairs bedroom. Medicating her every 2 hours. Kristen helped her shower. I took care of Daniel and the house. Talk about a summer on auto pilot.

When Kristen moved out to get married, I could not go in her room for 6 weeks. It was her bedroom. She wasn't coming back. Ever. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried every day for 6 weeks. Then I totally cleaned the room, and Elizabeth moved into her room. When Elizabeth left and moved into her college dorm, same thing. I cried, tears of joy, NOOOOOO...just kidding....LOL....I cried because the house was so damn quiet without her....I mourned almost the whole year.

Somewhere in all that, Daniel started kindergarten. By now I was a pro at this school thing. But, I didn't have time to be sad because I went back to work. I've only recently felt the loss of my son as he has entered into the boy world of fortnite, and basketball, and pokemon, and making more friends....he loves me, of course, but he's growing up, becoming independent, breaking away from Mom.

I was saying to a friend recently at Denny's
"Remember when I thought that first break up was going to kill me??? Do me in emotionally??? I cried a river?????"  Oh my....I had no idea what was to come....

Every time I leave my Mom's now its a struggle. Her mind is dying. I get to watch. I get to have a front row seat to watching my Mom fade. This absolutely could be the worst thing.

I've lost people before. Or they have disappeared. Or I like to call it "Gone on Vacation"....and I can only hope they look me up when they land again on solid ground. I never go anywhere...I am always here.....

I've had some recent personal struggles, to which I think, can I really feel any worse? I've never felt this level of despair in my entire life. I have only shared the high lights of some of my difficult things. Some difficult things aren't for public consumption, but if you ask me in private, I may reveal some of my truths to you if I trust you.

As I drove away from my Mom's today I drove by the rail road tracks, parked my vehicle, then sat, and cried. Life makes absolutely no sense. Its too short. You want to try again. You actually WANT to breathe, but somewhere along the way you forget how, but no one cares to stay around to help you to breathe, and as you are gasping for air, you have to decide in that moment to get out of the vehicle and walk. And so I did. I walked, and I walked, and I walked.

I found these two cool heart stones. I looked ahead, and realized, I could not see what was around the bend, and I thought, that's life. No one can see what's around the bend.

That labor with my first baby and the year afterwards it took for me to fully recover? I thought that was going to kill me. I could not see what was around the bend.  The accident I was in this fall that totaled my car? As I was spinning around, I could not see what was around the bend. These honest feelings I feel, I can not see what is around the bend. Will my Mom know me in a year? Will she be alive? I cannot see around the bend.

So, what can I do?
I'm thinking I will just keep walking. I will keep my love rocks in my pocket. I will actually keep breathing. I will keep writing my thoughts and feelings and sending them out into the Universe to my lovely soul's mate who will pick up on my vibe and send them all back to me.....I will keep enjoying cherry margaritas....I will keep dreaming....I will go exploring, near and far.
And I also will know, more difficult is coming.

I Love You. My You. All You.

Love, Jules.

Real Time...What I Struggle With....Time to be Genuine

I've tried my entire life to see the good in the middle of the terrible, but something is changing in me. I have this desire to be truthful about what I struggle with. I'm going to talk about the terrible. Its not fun, its risky, but if I am going to be genuine, I am going to tell my story. I am someone who has struggled with anxiety my whole entire life. It almost brings me to tears even admitting this out loud. I remember being a 4 year old, sitting on a toilet, and my Nana saying, What a big butt you have, and laughing, commenting on my chubbiness. She was just being funny. Anxiety about what I looked like started then!

I remember being in 2nd grade and having a field day and worrying about my legs being in shorts. My Mom said, Oh dear, you're just husky. You have husky legs.

I remember walking down the hall and a girl telling me from behind I had a way bigger butt than anyone else. That was fourth grade. I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to like me. For just being me....big butt and all.

In fourth grade I began having these attacks. I think they would call them panic attacks now, but back then I was sent down the nurse's office to breathe into a bag. I would loose vision, my whole left side would go numb, I would get a migraine. This continued for years. My Mom was told I needed psychological help, but I got none. Middle school is a night mare for most, but I was especially gormy...tall, husky, greasy, acne, thick coke bottle glasses. Just horrible. But, I never missed school, got decent grades, had a few friends, but not many. I was teased mercilessly by boys who told me how ugly I was. I believed all of it. Every last word.

I went to high school with renewed esteem as I worked all summer long babysitting to save up $300 so I could get contact lenses. I remember my friend Renee's expression when I showed up with those contact lenses. Her Mom said I had the most beautiful blue eyes......

I thought the contact lenses would fix me into believing I was beautiful, curb all that anxiety.

I just wanted someone to like me. I just wanted someone to love me. That's it. I think that's all I have ever wanted. 

But I still had so much scarring from the ugly comments, the feelings I wasn't good enough, that I had to earn friends, that I had to work to get people to like me, or love me.

I was recently talking to a dear friend and asked  "What is Wrong With Me?"
Why would you say that? was the response I got.
"I don't know, I just always think there is something wrong with me and that's why, no matter how I try, or give, or love, people find better things to do. I think there really is something wrong. I share my self. I share my heart. I share, as honestly as I can..."
There is nothing wrong with you.
Nothing.

I listen to what they say, about nothing being wrong with me, I try to  believe it.

I was at a memorial service this fall and I was told that the most depressing year in life is your 50th year, after your 50th birthday. Well, oh fucking joy. Yup. I said Fuck. Sometimes that's the only word I got.

This morning I was sitting at the breakfast table in the kitchen.
So, whats up with your nails?
I have small nails, they don't fit my hands.
No, I mean, it looks like you have been biting them.
I can't help it. I do it subconsciously. I'm nervous. I feel anxious.
Oh, well. I knew it wasn't just your nails are small.  

When a person, Me, struggles to keep the anxiety at bay, I do things like
Talk
Reach Out
Depend on People who I feel deeply connected to
Read
Write
Do a practice I've learned that calms me down
Love
Love My Self

The absolute hardest thing that happens to me that skyrockets my anxiety is when people don't respond or are unavailable. My Mom is leaving me every single day. And I have no choice. Not one choice in the matter.  It sucks quite frankly.
Totally Sucks......

When people tell me to just BREATHE.....I want to say "Really? what do think I'm doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm probably crying, and then trying to cover it up because I have an 8 year old boy I'm still trying to make life magical for but, honestly,  I don't want to breathe. I want someone else to breathe for me, or care, or respond, or simply Love, Or, excuse me, if I'm typing, or talking, I'm OBVIOUSLY breathing. Yup, that honestly runs through my sweet little brain.  And then I tell my Self to take a deep breath...LOL...Maybe what people SHOULD say is
"I'm here for you" "I love you" "I care" "I'm sorry your are feeling this way" or, my personal favorite
"Calm down, this will be okay, give it a little time...."  (my sister)....

I've also discovered this thing called "Telling the Truth".
That doesn't help anxiety either. LOL. Because when you finally open up, you finally trust, you finally erupt with all kinds of "truth" you've been storing up, that, by the way, has probably been what has fed my dragon of anxiety, what do you know?

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE OR ACCEPT YOUR TRUTH!
Or, they disregard it....
Or act like you never said it....
But, its mine, so, does it really matter what anyone thinks??

I had a moment recently where I was so discouraged, I thought, lying IS easier.

I know this isn't my usual happy blessed in the nest post.
#genuinein2019

A friend called me recently about something I posted on facebook. They said
"Don't ever get on facebook again when you're in that kind of mood...Call Me".... and we proceeded to send each other drunk Kermit the Frog memes until I could not stop laughing. 

P.S.  If you feel the need, send me Kermit the Frog Memes...they will make my day better.

Why have I rambled on? Because today is a day I want to ramble. I want to share a small view into my life. You just got to peep in my window without being a peeping Tom and getting the cops called on you...Because I am trying to be as genuine as I can be in 2019.

I have no idea how 2019 will turn out, but I will keep you posted.

I am hoping as I am learning to cope, things will get better.
They have to.

And never under estimate your presence in someone's life.
It could be the one thing that keeps them sane, keeps them breathing, makes their heart happy, and makes them smile....

I Love You,

Love, Jules

2019 Here I Come

For some reason I have not had as many views on my blog posts.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe its because I'm sharing some raw truths that people can not handle.

My life has changed a lot in the past several years.
I'm like a kid, seeing the cake, for the very first time in her entire life.

I'm listening to conversations with new understanding.

I don't take everything you say at face value.
I'm watching your actions.
I've stopped blaming myself for other's behavior.
I'm not chasing people.
I'm watching what happens when you stop trying to create and its been eye opening.

Someone sent me a post about Owning Who You Are and accepting the fact that many simply won't get it.

I was at a breakfast yesterday and said what I felt. I was told I have lost my filter. I asked my sister about it afterwards and she said, Well, we have been taught to bottle everything up our whole entire lives to make it nice for everyone else....you aren't going to do that anymore. Take it or Leave it....  by the way, we all had fun at the breakfast...I love my friends, Old and New.

I listened to a Lauren Daigle song...It about sums all this up.....

2019 Will be interesting.
My aim is to be as honest as I can be, if only with myself.
I will continue to wake up.
I will continue to let go of the fear of what other people will think.
I will remain as loving and kind as I can possibly be.
I will take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually.

I Love You,

Jules.

You Deserve More...

The holidays are upon us.

We are thinking of shopping, getting gifts for loved ones, or maybe, not so loved ones, obligatory ones...teacher gifts, coach's gifts, mail carrier gifts......On and on and on......

Why?

I was in a recent conversation with a lovely soul mate who said to me
"You deserve more....."
More what??? And this human proceeded to tell me exactly what they thought.....

Later in the morning I talked to my sister, another soul mate....
"Do you know I don't know one single person who hasn't experienced things in their life that they didn't deserve? Not one person I know intimately has missed out on the opportunity to experience the hard of life....NOT ONE..."
We pondered that thought.
Huh, that is true.
Not One.

So, what is it that I deserve?

I will tell you what....

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be well loved.
I deserve to be respected.
I deserve to be responded to.
I deserve to be heard, valued, and included.
I deserve friendship.
I deserve people in my life that get my soul and connect to it.

I also think in the having and receiving of all these lovely entities, I deserve to Love Myself...so that I am not reliant on others to produce all these wonderful experiences in my life. I can have all those "deserves" from myself. I am not going anywhere, ever.....So, what if I loved me well?

I love people.
I LOVE YOU.
I can't help it.
Its seriously a problem.
Because when I love people, and they say things like..

"You deserve better. Or you deserve More. And since I can't give you what I think you deserve, that means I can exit....I can leave.....I'm off the hook. I can disappear into the ether of your life, never to be heard from again...."
Its a cop out.
Its lame-o.....Lame.

Please think twice before you tell another human what you think they deserve.
And if you are doing it so you can exit their life? That's on you, not them.
Deserving has nothing to do with it...at all.

When I tell you I love you, its not because you deserve it from me. Its because I feel it in my soul. I want you to know. I want you to know there is someone in the world who knows you, cares about you, is there when you need a friend, or a confidant, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen. Judgement Free. My heart and mind are wide open.......

I have been learning about myself.
I have been learning about how to love me.
I have a super easy time loving others, but myself? Hard.
I have woken up on new levels. I don't quite know how to explain it, but its like waking up into a new dream. But realizing how asleep you've been. So you are kind of sad, but happy, all at the same time.
I'm not growling at others as I'm awakening, its my journey. No one else has to change.
But that statement of "You deserve more.." Nahhhhhhhhhhh

I get what I get and I don't throw a fit....

If I want to change something about myself, sure.
But don't tell me what I deserve. Or
don't.

See it for what it is...a cop out.......an insecurity within yourself, thinking you have to provide some certain experiences to be part of my life, or anyone else's life.......Let that Go. And just be in people's lives without the heavy weight of expectations...

We deserve nothing and everything...
All at the same time.....

I love you.

Love, Jules

My Opinion Doesn't Matter, and Neither does yours....post 200ish

I had a jillion and one opinions growing up.

A gazzilion.

I am not joking. Not one little bit.

(that's me, on the left, with my Mom in the middle, and my wonderful sister, Wendi)

Most of that was fed by my religious upbringing that taught me there was exactly ONE WAY of doing everything right, and if you did not do things that ONE WAY you were wrong, and by god, if you were wrong, well, life was officially over.

I made all my life choices based on my opinions. I was right. All the time. I had to be. There was no room for error. Life of a perfectionist.  A person who believed she was doing life "the Right Way", at all times, no room for error. Did I say "No room for Error???". Trust me, I do not jest......
Talk about pressure......

Well, if that isn't a recipe for "Crash and Burn" I don't know what is......

But, the beautiful thing about crashing and burning is you get to start all over.

And that is what I have been doing. Starting all over, with myself. Because I am the only one I am truly responsible for, Me. And how I am in the world. And what I believe about myself. And how I love myself.

I was in a recent conversation with a dear lovely person and I realized afterwards....
I am not that person anymore.
My opinion doesn't matter.
To Me. Or anyone Else.
It Doesn't Matter.
and
Neither Does Yours.

the next thought was....
Freedom.
Freedom from being right.
Freedom from judging myself, or others, for anything.
Freedom from thinking there is a right answer....btw...there is not. But even me saying that...Doesn't Matter.
Freedom from thinking there is some place to get to, or do, or make, or even BE.....

What does matter?
I don't know, but I get to choose.....from the ground up.
Gutting the sources that fed my opinions, need for perfectionism, to be right?
Not necessary. Gutting.

It may sound very scary to the person who thinks they
Need a plan
Have to be Right
Want to have their opinions heard
Think there is actually a place to get to.

I was that person.
And, it is a scary place to be, when you begin to peel back the layers, wake up, dream, and realize that you are letting go.
I Don't need to be right.
Nothing to control.
I don't need a crystal ball.
I don't need a sign.

I just need to be me, Julie Jules.

And she, is pretty damn AWESOME.

I love you,

Love, Jules.

My Daniel......my heart.

When I became a Mother, I thought I wanted 4 children.  All girls, of course. I remember reading some book about boys explaining why they are wild, and one needs to simply accept it. I remember thinking, I can't handle wild. I can't. I don't want to. I don't like noise. This was 21 year old me talking, and she was an absolute expert on EVERYTHING...... To this day, I question why I had friends....LOL...

I was 27 when I had Kristen. She was a love. Always happy. Loved to nurse. I could not put her down if I wanted to. My mom used to tell me, you are going to spoil her. I remember thinking...SO WHAT. I love this baby so much.

I was 29 when I had Elizabeth. She was a wonderful easy and quick delivery. She nursed like a champ. 7 minutes on each side, easy peasy. She was content to be held, or put down, or sleep in her car seat. She was so calm, especially since she was constantly being harrassed by her sister, who, if I turned my back ever, was grabbing, pulling, carrying by the neck, jumping on, (yup, Kristen jumped into the bassinet, from our bed, and rode her like a horse....I almost went insane honestly)....

So 2 was all I could handle. That was it. 4 kids was an INSANE idea. INSANE.

I had several horrible miscarriages. We were just talking about one of them the other day. Without going into massive detail, the whole front seat of our little Toyota Corolla was filled with blood as it ooozed out of me on my way to the hospital. Filled. Dripping. My step father Ray came to the hospital, took the car, and cleaned it all out for us. Talk about something a parent never wants to do for a child. The idea of that loving man taking such care to clean it out for us before we had to use it again.....still brings tears to my eyes.

Why would you want to have more kids? I don't know. I just wanted to. I really wanted to try one more time. I just did. I don't ask for much. I am not a demanding soul. It was just a thought in me, I could not shake, and voila, here is my boy.  There was more to it than that, but logistics and details don't matter.

What brings me to this post is a paper that was sent home this summer by Daniel's teacher, Ms. Jordan. She had a paper that asked what were Daniel's favorite things, and then the other sheet said
"In a million words or less...."  we were asked to write about our child...I loved it.

Here's what I wrote.

Daniel is our youngest child. He has two much older sisters, Kristen, who is 23, and Elizabeth, who is almost 21. Their significant others, Lucas (married to Kristen) and Keanu (with Elizabeth) all love Daniel very much. I teach Kindergarten Literacy at Fruit Street and his father Carl, teaches math at Bangor High School.

Daniel is a happy boy. He and I "adventure" together. We spent out last day (yesterday) at Sand Beach in Acadia. He plays alot outside with other children in the neighborhood. He likes to read. He enjoys Cub Scouts. Daniel is well loved by all of us, but not spoiled (surprisingly-being the youngest, and biggest age gap.).
He is very smart. Carl likes to do "math facts" with him. I've always loved reading to him. He is curious.
He is quiet in a crowd. He will hang back and appear like he's not as engaged, but he's assessing the situation. He is a thinker. He's calm, but enjoys playing with friends, but has no problem just hanging out with Mom or Dad.
Carl and I will never bother you. We do not have a long list of expectations. (Been there, done that!) We just want him to enjoy school, which he does, and be his happy self. Please call us if you need us. Thank you for your excitement!!!!
Sincerely, Julie Robbins

A lot less than a million words, but it says what it needs to. I wanted to record this in my blog as a 3rd grade memory for Daniel.

What I didn't include is that this child breathed new life into me.
I love him more than the world.
We each simply look at him sometimes, and I say, as I watch Carl,
"You know Daniel, your father is madly in love with you....and so am I..."

This older parenting this is hard. Not gonna lie. The exhaustion level has its high peak moments, but the patience I have, never ending. There's nothing to get that upset about. Ever.

The parties are WAY LOUDER.....oh my....WAY LOUDER. WAYYYYYYYYYY.....
The last party we had my sister said..."How are you so chill. You never miss a beat. I'm sitting over here needing many beers, and you're like, hostess with the most-est...chill."

I love this boy.
His love for me is like nothing I've experienced. He just loves his mumma.
The other day we were having our Thursday night ritual of going to Governors for kids night. I was feeling sad, but we were having a nice conversation, and all of the sudden, he says,
"Mom, I feel like you need one of my hugs....I feel it." and he hugged me, and I teared right up in Governors. He was right. He always knows. Always.

I wanted to record this, so when he's a much older boyman, he can look back and read this and know how much we love him.

I love you, boyjoy.

Love,
your Mumma