I decided I needed some air. I drove down to Kenduskeag Stream. I have spent a lot of time there, writing in my journals. As I drove by the river, I noticed there were only two parking lots. Huh...I never knew that. I guess everything just looks differently when its brown, gray, sad, ugly...are you sensing a mood in me? You would be accurate. Most of the spots were taken, so I kept on traveling up to Ohio Street, made a right into Mount Hope Cemetery.
I remembered a bench I went and sat at this past summer, or maybe it was fall. I thought, I am going to find that bench. Oddly enough as I drove into the cemetery, I felt led down this road, and what do you know, there was the bench, and directly in front of the bench was a statue of Mother Mary. I got out, sat down, and became still.
I know this will sound weird to all the Non Catholics, but I felt this need to "talk" to Mary. I said, You are the Mother of all Mothers. You carried the Son who was meant to save all of us. You must know how it feels when one is grieving over a child. Your son was created for every single child. Every Single One of Us. You know about the lost sheep or the lost coin. You know about death. You know anguish. You are a Mom who Loved Her Son. And technically, he wasn't you son in the true sense of what we consider "son", but you loved him, you protected him, you prayed for him, and you provided for him for whatever he needed. You accepted him from Day 1, no questions asked. Except to say..Okay, here I am, I will do this, what you have asked of me. You had no crystal ball, you had no idea what was going to happen, you just said, Okay. I'm doing this thing....called servanthood.
I then went on to write a letter. I wrote in my journal. I prayed and cried.
I got up at one point and hugged the statue. I know, even weirder...but...I was just going with it. Have you ever just sat in silence and followed your gut and your heart's leading? I wonder what would happen to this world if we took seconds of each day to simply be still. Breathe. Cry if you must. Pray. Ask. Forgive.
Another new spot has been established where the Creator and I can meet. I am a "spot" person. I am also a memory person. I love my spots, and I love my memories. Those memories and spots are enough for me now. My life is full. But, oh how I love. I said to God today, If you are God, you knew you would find me on this bench, on Saturday, April 8, 2017, in a cemetery. How is it I was in a completely different place a year ago, and you knew I would be in that place, having no clue I would be in this place, today. Its a mystery, one that I would like to figure out. It's a mystery to me, but not to God.
So, I left my spot, mind cleared, somewhat peace filled, oh, mostly peace filled. I'm not going to lie and say, everything is A-Okay because I sat for an hour on a bench and prayed and "talked". Life is not that simple, as least, not for me. But what I will tell you is in those moments, on that bench, in that cemetery, I felt a presence. My inner spirit was prompted. I drove away able to take in deep breaths. I was able to return to my home, go about my daily stuff, look into my husband's eyes and believe him when he said "I love you so much." without questioning "Why?" because I let go of my sadness for some brief moments and can appreciate this beautiful soul before me.....
That's Enough. for Today.
I love you.
Julie Erb Robbins
