When Carl and I first thought about having children he was the one who wanted to wait. He'd say, whats the hurry? Whose going to take care of said child when we have one while you are still in college? I am in college. We are young, we have plenty of time. I am def. NOT in a hurry, said Carl. I would go to all my dear friends apartments in Orono and to the family housing on campus at UMaine and come away from holding these precious babies wanting one. I was a mother without children for a long time before I gave birth.
We were married about 5 years when we deemed it a "good idea" to start "trying". hahaha. Hoping that the behavior we had been engaging in for quite some time would produce and bring forth fruit. The surprise of it all was that it did not. So we started taking temperatures, oui. and the likes of the task that was once spontaneous and enjoyable became methodical and deliriously upsetting when "the fruit" did not spring forth month after month after month. And even more gut wrenching was when, walah, the test for pregnancy came back positive, only to be thwarted by a miscarriage. Birth Denied.
I thought I would loose my mind, for real. Eventually, almost 2 years later from the initially endeavor of "bearing fruit", my girl Kristen Hope came into the world. Until I held her in my arms I really didn't believe it was going to happen. Giving Birth was an out of body experience. I simply could not fathom I was holding a human being that belonged to me.
I had no idea what parenting would hold for me. NONE. I was an educator. I had run a day care. I loved children. I taught Sunday School. I served at teen camps for years, working and counseling teenagers. I had worked with special needs children. I worked in a group home called Janus House for boys strait out of the Maine Youth Center. (got some stories from that job.)
But nothing prepared me for the emotional journey of parenthood.
My husband called me "The Marshmellow" this morning as I was leaving the house to go and pick up Elizabeth's boyfriend so they could have breakfast together. I said, oh, anything for love my dear, anything for love, you know that about me. And, put it on my grave stone. "The Marshmellow lies here."
I absorb emotions. That first cry Kristen let out, I put her to my breast to nurse and that is where she would stay for the next 18 months. I have no shame in that. Carl nicknamed me "The Nuk". My Mom would say, "Are you ever going to put her down?" To which I would respond. "No. I don't even know if she is real yet." I would carry both girls at the same time. How? I don't know. I did not have those crazy carrier things you wrap around your whole body. I just did it. I wanted my children close to me. If they cried, I sprung into action, absorbing those cries. I find no reason to ever apologize for that. Ever. My children have all been well loved, WELL LOVED. Their emotional needs met to the best of my ability. But everything comes with a cost, and parenting COSTS.
Parenting has cost me.
Even now as I write this I know I am weak. I admit it. I could cry, right now. Because the emotions I am absorbing at this point in the journey are far more intense than an infant crying out for mothers' milk. I could easily "fix" that cry. In an instant. No waiting for a lesson to be learned, or growth to occur, knowing that the journey to wholeness is going to take a lot longer than a hug and the consumption of a cookie, or watching a favorite program.
I think of the apostle Paul when he says, In my weakness you are made strong. Meaning that's when God becomes evident. When we feel "fine", or that everything is going "well", we lean on our own talents & strengths, forgetting the originator of those gifts.
My current prayer as I absorb the emotions of those around me is found in Ephesians. In my weakness one Sunday evening, when I was feeling as if the cost of parenting was simply too much, God led me here.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you(Elizabeth, Kristen, Daniel, Carl, Lucas, Nick, Julie, and others) with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you(E,K,D, C, L, N, J, and others) being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. NOW to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! AMEN." Ephesians 3:16-21.
I am weak. My desire to heal and mend and fix can be overwhelming. My need to get to the other side, not reside in the middle and wait out the storm, or learn the lesson, or WATCH the lesson unfolding before me in my loved ones lives brings my brain and emotions into places I do not need to tread at all. I can't live here, or camp out here in this place for long. I need to move into the strength that only God can provide on this parenting journey where there is no end in sight.
So, my parenting has cost me. Its also taught me to rely on the One who loves my family the best and the most.
Becoming a parent has brought me to places I never dreamed of. Its brought me to my knees because I am weak. Because I worry. Because I love so incredibly deep. I never knew I could love like this. Its brought me closer to God than I ever knew was possible. It has me searching for peace, creating moments of peace in my life I never needed when it was simply Carl&Julie.
So, instead of simply costing, I have gained. I have gained empathy, insight, wisdom, a yearning for God that was never there before children. A prayer life that was probably non existent before I knew someones life depended on it. And a constant reminder that in my weakness, He (God) shows up. Always. God always shows up, and God is always working. Even when I don't see it.
"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny" Psalm 73:24
My Elizabeth's life verse. Gods working. Always.
We all have a glorious destiny that God is working out right now in our favor. Take heart.
Love, Julie
