Real Time...What I Struggle With....Time to be Genuine

I've tried my entire life to see the good in the middle of the terrible, but something is changing in me. I have this desire to be truthful about what I struggle with. I'm going to talk about the terrible. Its not fun, its risky, but if I am going to be genuine, I am going to tell my story. I am someone who has struggled with anxiety my whole entire life. It almost brings me to tears even admitting this out loud. I remember being a 4 year old, sitting on a toilet, and my Nana saying, What a big butt you have, and laughing, commenting on my chubbiness. She was just being funny. Anxiety about what I looked like started then!

I remember being in 2nd grade and having a field day and worrying about my legs being in shorts. My Mom said, Oh dear, you're just husky. You have husky legs.

I remember walking down the hall and a girl telling me from behind I had a way bigger butt than anyone else. That was fourth grade. I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to like me. For just being me....big butt and all.

In fourth grade I began having these attacks. I think they would call them panic attacks now, but back then I was sent down the nurse's office to breathe into a bag. I would loose vision, my whole left side would go numb, I would get a migraine. This continued for years. My Mom was told I needed psychological help, but I got none. Middle school is a night mare for most, but I was especially gormy...tall, husky, greasy, acne, thick coke bottle glasses. Just horrible. But, I never missed school, got decent grades, had a few friends, but not many. I was teased mercilessly by boys who told me how ugly I was. I believed all of it. Every last word.

I went to high school with renewed esteem as I worked all summer long babysitting to save up $300 so I could get contact lenses. I remember my friend Renee's expression when I showed up with those contact lenses. Her Mom said I had the most beautiful blue eyes......

I thought the contact lenses would fix me into believing I was beautiful, curb all that anxiety.

I just wanted someone to like me. I just wanted someone to love me. That's it. I think that's all I have ever wanted. 

But I still had so much scarring from the ugly comments, the feelings I wasn't good enough, that I had to earn friends, that I had to work to get people to like me, or love me.

I was recently talking to a dear friend and asked  "What is Wrong With Me?"
Why would you say that? was the response I got.
"I don't know, I just always think there is something wrong with me and that's why, no matter how I try, or give, or love, people find better things to do. I think there really is something wrong. I share my self. I share my heart. I share, as honestly as I can..."
There is nothing wrong with you.
Nothing.

I listen to what they say, about nothing being wrong with me, I try to  believe it.

I was at a memorial service this fall and I was told that the most depressing year in life is your 50th year, after your 50th birthday. Well, oh fucking joy. Yup. I said Fuck. Sometimes that's the only word I got.

This morning I was sitting at the breakfast table in the kitchen.
So, whats up with your nails?
I have small nails, they don't fit my hands.
No, I mean, it looks like you have been biting them.
I can't help it. I do it subconsciously. I'm nervous. I feel anxious.
Oh, well. I knew it wasn't just your nails are small.  

When a person, Me, struggles to keep the anxiety at bay, I do things like
Talk
Reach Out
Depend on People who I feel deeply connected to
Read
Write
Do a practice I've learned that calms me down
Love
Love My Self

The absolute hardest thing that happens to me that skyrockets my anxiety is when people don't respond or are unavailable. My Mom is leaving me every single day. And I have no choice. Not one choice in the matter.  It sucks quite frankly.
Totally Sucks......

When people tell me to just BREATHE.....I want to say "Really? what do think I'm doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm probably crying, and then trying to cover it up because I have an 8 year old boy I'm still trying to make life magical for but, honestly,  I don't want to breathe. I want someone else to breathe for me, or care, or respond, or simply Love, Or, excuse me, if I'm typing, or talking, I'm OBVIOUSLY breathing. Yup, that honestly runs through my sweet little brain.  And then I tell my Self to take a deep breath...LOL...Maybe what people SHOULD say is
"I'm here for you" "I love you" "I care" "I'm sorry your are feeling this way" or, my personal favorite
"Calm down, this will be okay, give it a little time...."  (my sister)....

I've also discovered this thing called "Telling the Truth".
That doesn't help anxiety either. LOL. Because when you finally open up, you finally trust, you finally erupt with all kinds of "truth" you've been storing up, that, by the way, has probably been what has fed my dragon of anxiety, what do you know?

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE OR ACCEPT YOUR TRUTH!
Or, they disregard it....
Or act like you never said it....
But, its mine, so, does it really matter what anyone thinks??

I had a moment recently where I was so discouraged, I thought, lying IS easier.

I know this isn't my usual happy blessed in the nest post.
#genuinein2019

A friend called me recently about something I posted on facebook. They said
"Don't ever get on facebook again when you're in that kind of mood...Call Me".... and we proceeded to send each other drunk Kermit the Frog memes until I could not stop laughing. 

P.S.  If you feel the need, send me Kermit the Frog Memes...they will make my day better.

Why have I rambled on? Because today is a day I want to ramble. I want to share a small view into my life. You just got to peep in my window without being a peeping Tom and getting the cops called on you...Because I am trying to be as genuine as I can be in 2019.

I have no idea how 2019 will turn out, but I will keep you posted.

I am hoping as I am learning to cope, things will get better.
They have to.

And never under estimate your presence in someone's life.
It could be the one thing that keeps them sane, keeps them breathing, makes their heart happy, and makes them smile....

I Love You,

Love, Jules