I have.
I've been pregnant 6 times. The timing was never perfect. Ever. The disappointment that followed the failed pregnancies simply grew. My questions to the Universe have never disappeared and I am not a person who believes that shit of "Well, you wouldn't have had....if you'd hadn't...."...BullShit. I say. But that's just me. I don't really respond well to those "silver lining" comments well when it comes to the loss of someone I love.
But this boy......
He was an illogical desire.
I was 42 when I gave birth for the final time. It was easy. I remember my midwife, Debbie Hill Hunter checking me saying....Oh, you can push now...I'm like...OH HELL I HATE THIS PART....
10 minutes was all, but you trying ripping your mouth apart for 10 minutes strait and stretching that most tender skin in your whole body....10 minutes can be hellatious...
We were the spectacles at the hospital. Everyone came in...like, oh, that's cool...you guys are so cool for doing this....like, oh yeah, I WANTED to be COOL at 42....LOL.....The girls adored Daniel from the start. He was a June 30, 2010 baby, a summer baby, so everyone was home, he was held constantly, and I napped all the time. It was glorious....
Carl has a whole folder of Daniel sleeping. They are the absolute best pictures. Daniel will fall asleep anywhere, early, and now will actually sleep all night in his own bed. Its lovely....he is 7 after all...
There is just something about this illogical love thing. It makes no sense to the onlooker. My sanity has been questioned. I've been asked "Why?"....But, let me explain why this boy has absolutely changed my life...
My spirit became opened and I began to breathe. The love I have for him is like nothing else. I absolutely know I can protect him from nothing...his destiny is his own. I understand that no amount of loving can remove what will be his glorious, heart rendering, joyful, upsetting at times, life. But what I can do is love him in the best way I know how....
Fully and completely, unconditionally, enjoying the peace that comes from being his Mom.
Yesterday at the ocean he said...
"Mom, we need to look for your piece of the Universe that speaks to you....."
We talked about love, life, what speaks to our souls. We laughed, had a snowball fight, breathed deep. Yes, I communicate all this with my 7 year old and he totally gets it..
He said,
"Mom, this is the weirdest day ever...going to the beach in the winter, but its also the Best day ever...all at the same time...."
My illogical Love has been just that...Weird and the Best...all in the same moment.
What is your illogical Love?
I have others. And I love each and every one of those weird, crazy, joy filled, peaceful people and moments...
Some times being Illogical is absolutely THE BEST thing to do...
I love you...
Julie K.
