A job, a person, a scenario, is coming to your mind at this very moment.
I am an over thinker. I replay situations over in my mind just for fun. I try to remember what I said, how I felt, what I would do or say if I had another chance, how I could do the moment better....
Like there is somewhere better to get to, or somehow I could do life at that moment better. I almost laugh at this right now.
I just gave some advice to one of my loves by closing out the advice with
"from the Queen Of Over Thinking, Over Talking, Over Discussing. My advice? Let it Go...."
How hilarious is that???? Yup. I give great advice and follow none of it....LOL
I was teased recently about my wanderings to the beach. All in fun, not a second of cruelty, just that they were all wondering about it. Like, why? Why do you do that??
I'm trying to push Rewind.
I'm trying to Rewind in my mind while I am on my outings. I am alone most of the time when I'm doing this because I feel as if when I am in the moment with others, I don't want to be pushing a rewind button on another memory, I want to be in that moment with the people I am with, not wandering somewhere else. (I can't say I always do this, because you all are in my thoughts..) When I am alone, I don't feel a responsibility to be anything. I don't have to be happy, figuring things out for others, finding anything, planning anything, making anything happen.
When I am alone, I do nothing. I'm just me. Julie. I am only responsible for myself when I am alone.
So I can think. I can rewind, walk through, think, push Play, on some really good memories, and, I have to admit, some really bad ones. Its my way of resolving things that in truth, I have no control over. I formulate a plan of what I would do differently next time. How things might go if I was given another chance, even though that chance may never come. Its my planning session. My thinking session. My making peace with the Universe sessions.
To be honest, there are things that I will never be able to make peace with myself about. I can't. It involves other people, so I have to accept there will be no peace, or resolution, or another chance, but even in thinking about that....that is a resolution.
If you have been in my life, I have thought about you probably 1000 to a million times. No joke.
If I have shared special moments with you....you are in there for keeps.
If I have told you I love you....I've thought about you, and replayed the good memories.
If you have broken my heart...you are in there too. And I am trying to make peace.
If I have shared myself with you, my secrets, my desires, my dreams........You will be in my thoughts when I am on those alone excursions.
Another thing?
I've prayed for you too. Whether or not you believe in anything.... I do. I have furniture in my house I have knelt down at and prayed for you. I have. Its hard for me to get rid of some of that furniture for that very reason. There is one chair in particular that I will have in my death grip for that very reason even if its falling apart.
What I am trying to do now is focus on pushing the rewind and then hit play on the good memories.
Only the Good.
The Positive.
The Happy.
About You.
When you come home from a wake, or seeing your Mom who is clearly not herself and is fading fast, or children who are now adults and don't live with you anymore, but can do all the adult things you are so proud of them for doing......but you want to remember when they were little babies at the beach with you....Or when you would hold them...all day long....
You want to Push Rewind, then Play.....then Remember The Good.
Not the heartache, or the disappointments, or the times you thought you would never recover, or the gut wrenching separation, or the leaving, or the having to live without.
The Good. That's what I want to play Over and Over and Over Again....
Rewind, Play, Good.
Here's to more good memories.
Here's to more good moments.
Here's to Loving the Days.
I love you.
Really I do.
Julie
