I cried a shit ton yesterday. Yup. I did. There are several people I am blaming for that, but, they will remain nameless....Because occasionally I try to be subtle. LOL. Nope, I'm not subtle.
But I did cry buckets upon buckets and if you think I'm too dramatic...
Tough Shit. I don't really care. Yes I do, but I can't and won't change for you.
This has been a hard week.
I made the comment to my sister that this has been one of the best summers on record. But, there are always hard parts to anything that's "The Best", right? What do they say? No good deed goes unpunished?
I realized this week I still have triggers.
Abandonment
Chaos
Need for Control
Just to name a few.... I always think I've reached some new level of self actualization, but No. I have not. 10 steps forward....8 back. I can't be the only one.
I brought my daughter back to college. Hotter then hell, exhausting, sad as I drove away. I felt this missing, like, she is really growing up and may never come back, and now we get along more times than not, sadness. Like, why didn't this happen years ago? sadness. I actually cried for an hour getting out of the city.
I went to the ocean afterwards to nurse my bruised heart.
I was completely spent mid week, and then I had more company. Things happened I was not planning on.
Do you ever enter into a situation with people, or a conversation that you simply did not for see happening? And you process it to death afterwards until your mind is so numbed and you think every bad thought about yourself, and then wonder? Why the hell do I love anyone because its just one big hairy let down. Time after time after time.
And they I realized.....
Assumptions.
I make a million assumptions based on MY LIFE EXPERIENCE. MY LIFE.
I know, assumptions means making an ass out of u and me. Yup. Got it peeps.
Oh wait, that's ASSUME.....but, you get it.
I can't be the only one. The only one who makes assumptions.
But in my naivete, my trusting nature, my world view, I have adhered to many assumptions.
Which is fine, when they just belong to me. But that is NEVER WHAT HAPPENS.....
Assumptions filter onto every single other relationship I have with every single other human.
That's an assumption. Mine.
Another one. Mine.
Really? What does that even look like????? My Assumptions tells me what it is SUPPOSE to look like.......
Mine again, but really? How can I be full of passion 100% of the time...????
What about being boring, like 15% of the time?
What about when I'm down?
What about when I just want to cry?
Like, how the absolute hell should I be boring,....... passionately so???
There are soooo many things I read that tell me how to do this life. I mix it with my life experience. And I come up with assumptions. And they don't fit into other people's lives... AT ALL....
Because of that, I walk away hurt, disappointed, feeling like I've done something wrong, been something wrong, or said/texted something wrong because I am not getting my desired outcome.
If you love me, you will ________________.
If I love you, I will_____________________.
If I make this much money, I will______________________.
If you are my friend, you will________________________.
If you have time, why aren't you___________________.
If someone is sick, why aren't you___________________.
Just a few assumptions.
I was talking to my sister recently, and she said to me...
"that has nothing to do with whether someone loves you....you are mixing up the two. One has nothing to do with love. Leave it at that. Just leave it. You are meshing everything up like its one thing...its not..."
"Stop meshing things up together like that are all connected and have all these dual meaning that you are overthinking........"
Other people may not wonder, but I do. But, that is assuming everyone loves like I do. And maybe my way is not the only way. Maybe my way is not the best way. MAYBE my way of thinking and doing is SIMPLY my way. And my way only. Maybe there is actually a different way, and the reason I have all these people, and experiences, is to teach me a different way. Maybe giving up assumptions about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING would mean that there are a million different ways to
Love,
Communicate,
Be,
Rest,
Accept,
Acknowledge,
Give,
Receive.
And maybe,
I need to accept others.
Just the way they are.
What they have offered, or not.
And realize,
nothing needs changing.
I apologize for my assumptions.
But it doesn't mean I didn't just have the longest cry ever.
It doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt.
And I will try not to mesh things together that aren't.
Much Love
I love you.
Julie.
