DAY 97.....Abuse and Love.

I met my husband 30 years ago on March 7, 1987. Most people know our story. I have written about it on this day at least 6 times each year because I think it is a cool story. We met in a dance club. We had been dancing with different people. I never asked anyone to dance, I was always asked to dance. There was a bit of pride in being asked. He saw me. He came over to the table I was sitting at with my girlfriends, Denise, Renee, and Jenny.  He kept asking me to dance. I remember after that first slow dance...the song that played was "Lady in Red"...I love the color red, and I remember thinking...I love this. I love dancing with him. He's so interesting. He's so good at conversation. He's so soooo......He had on a white button down shirt and Levis. He had a tan, blond hair, and blue eyes. I loved the color of his skin. His teeth were so white against his skin. He smelled good. He made me laugh....
This song though....so beautiful....Lady In Red....

Carl asked me out several days later. He came into my work and asked me to go see the movie Mannequin...such a bizarre movie. We tried watching it once, years later, and we looked at each other and said, we WERE intelligent people at the time....what the? I think we just wanted to sit next to each other.

Time progressed. We fell in love. We had a great summer together. We stayed at his family camp in August. We wish we had bought this camp in Milo when we had the chance. In the fall, I lived in Knox Hall, he lived at his fraternity, Delta Episolon, we were education majors. We worked. He came to church with me. He stayed in my dorm with me. I never stayed at the Frat House. Carl never wanted me there around all the drinking. It got a little crazy.

There were several times in that first year he thought of breaking up with me. We were so different. We were raised completely differently. He was a bit chaotic and wild. I was not. I'd had boyfriends, but nothing as serious as Carl. In every relationship you get into this season of frustration with the other person. The "honeymoon" period is over. You get to know each other pretty well, you develop dislikes for certain behaviors, you try to change the other person, you point out what is wrong with the other person, it can become routine. You argue a bit, or a lot, because you are so different. Just being male/female creates this HUGE gap of understanding. We knew each other pretty well, but not that well. There were plenty of things Carl was not sharing with me because he was not sure he could trust me. Not because I was untrustworthy, but when people have experienced certain things, they don't want to go around telling people, even though you know it isn't your fault, you still want to be private about things.

There's this scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams is talking to Matt Damon, and he says over and over and over again until Matt Damon gets it...."Its not your fault..."  "Yeah, yeah, I know..." and he keeps saying it over and over again "Its not your fault.." until Matt Damon's character has this break down moment, and he's relinquished of the internal responsibility he feels.

I had no idea about Carl's childhood and I had been dating him a YEAR! I didn't even know he was adopted! I had met his mother. I had even made the comment, oh you look like Jean. The only thing I knew is he wasn't fond of going to Milo to visit. I did  not understand it because I was incessantly talking to or was with my mother  (I had my own issues...make no mistake)...

One night, after some other unforeseen things occurred, he decided to tell me about some things he had never told anyone. They were things about his childhood, things that he'd kept secret, things he decided at that moment, it was now or never, and then let her decide if she can handle all this...this mess....this chaos....this dysfunction.  Obviously, I handled it. I'm here. But, I made a choice to stay. Come hell or high water. Until the love that I had healed the inner wounded boy. I know that probably goes against every single blog post about relationships out there, and THANK GOD I read none of that sort of thing, nor knew anything about all the terms out there today. I simply decided to love. I was a naive 19 year old who dug her heels in for the long haul, no matter what, I'm here.

When you date the broken, and by the way, we are all broken. None of us misses out on brokenness. It either happens at the hands of our parents, a friend, grandparents, uncle, teacher, pastor, priest....I am so sure you can name someone. When you date the broken, it takes longer for them to know what healthy is. There are plenty of things I thought were fine, but were not. But, healthy relationships can blossom and grow from unhealthy environments.  It can happen. I decided it would happen, and Carl eventually joined me. I decided I did see the good. I loved that boy who was the first person to get me roses and cards. Not one did that for me. I loved that boy that saw me in my glasses, all ugly in the morning. I loved that boy who saw ME. I loved that boy who told me..I don't deserve you, but I love you. I loved him. I still do.

Be patient with the broken. Be love to the broken. Be there for the broken. In our due time, beauty came from the ashes. Joy came from the sorrow. A bright future came from the chaotic past.

It wasn't easy. It was so hard some days. But I prayed. All the time. I never gave up on him. And I had a great pastor at the time who gave good advice. I had an excellent mentor who gave wonderful advice. I had a Mom who prayed, every day...(Hmmmm...no wonder I do this, its my Legacy). I had a sister I told way too much too, and a select few friends who always believed in the good.
At one point, his faith was so challenged he left all forms of ministry. I supported him. The shoe has been on the other foot, and guess what? He has supported me in my journey...that's what you grow into...supporting and respecting each other person's journey. Being There in the process.

Carl and I were talking the other morning about how we are pretty much unrecognizable from where we started. Which is a good thing. We have grown up. We have matured. We have learned to accept each other and see the good. We have no expectations, or try to not have too many. We simply let each other be, and love each other where we are at. We have never adopted hard and fast roles. We do what is needed and necessary at the moment.  We are friends. We love being together. We like each other. We have grown to accept each other, and no changing the other person...Not Allowed.

I like where we are at. I still LOVE him. I like him. I would like him if her were not my husband. He has become a very nice man. He grew into a wonderful father. His children think he walks on water. I want it to always be that way. He came home with two funny mugs tonight about the necessity of coffee....for our 30 years of dating. Who knew we would both drink coffee in the morning together?

I would challenge you. If you are in the middle of difficult with someone...pray.  God can take care of so many things you can't. Timing is everything. Even if you only have a mustard seed of faith...pray. I can tell you I have seen miracles in this relationship. I had to trust God on so many occasions, and I am glad I did. I have perfected nothing. I am a daily work, and so is he.

I love you.
I love Carl Joseph Robbins the absolute most.
Happy 30th.

Julie Erb Robbins

ps...Carl, isn't that song so very awesome???????