I am manipulative.

Manipulative: adjective
tending to influence or control someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it.  "He/She is resourceful, smart, skillful, ingenious, and savvy, but he also can be manipulative."

manipulative: that attempt to control or play upon others hopes or fears to attain selfish ends while disregarding their aspirations or well being.
:Item or object that has one or more manipulable characteristics or properties and can be used to model or represent a problem or situation.

I did not know love could be considered manipulative. But it can.

I did not think caring about a person or an outcome or a situation could be considered manipulative. But it can.

I did not know investing time, money, talents, shared experiences, conversations, personal information, support could be considered manipulative. But it can.

And for that, I want to apologize.

I recently was in a conversation with my mentor, Bill Cumming, who told me as a result of all the experiences he has had in his life he has entered into every single relationship he ever has with anyone with the concept of having absolutely NO EXPECTATIONS from that person for anything.

No expectations of outcomes.

No expectations of returned favors.

No expectations of returned respect, love, affection, future.

Nothing...nada.

And as I began to re process this concept I realized I have expectations for every single thing I do.

Every Single Thing.

If I love you, I expect you to love me. If I am nice to you, I expect you to think well of me. If I do for you, I expect you to be grateful and say thank you. If I have you in my home, I expect to be invited to yours. If I acknowledge your birthday, I expect you to at the very least to send me a card. If I like you, I want you to like me in return.  If I invite your child to my home, I want you to invite my child into your home, AND, I want you to be as nice to my child as I am to yours. If I say kind and glowing words about you, I expect you will say the same about me.

I also realized I am conditionally loving you when I hold all these expectations of you as well.

What does it look like to love manipulation free? What does it look like to let go of all expectations?

Well, as of today, Sunday, July 18, 2016 I am about to find out. I am about to embark on a journey to find out. I am about to question every single thing I think and every single thing I say. Not because I want to beat up myself daily. (I'm already really good at that, which needs to stop). But so that I can actually live authentically the way I say I want to live.

I want to love others unconditionally.

I need to let go of expectations. Because being any other way is a form of manipulation.

I am sad when I find out others don't like me. I am sad and discouraged when I feel I have done my best and its been misinterpreted. I can tell you, I never set out to harm anyone. I care so deeply for others, simply because I do.

But in my effort to care, love, support, and worry about, it could be perceived as manipulative, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for anyone I have hurt. I am sorry for what I could have done differently. I will be sorry forever.

I can't guarantee I will be forgiven, which is part of letting go of expectations.

I can be sorry, but there is no forgiveness that I know of unless the person I am saying
" I'm sorry"
 to says
 "I forgive you."

One thought I will close with is that Bill reminds me of constantly
"On which day have you gotten up and said, I want to screw today up royally? or I want to harm someone today? which day Julie, did you rise and say you wanted to harm anyone?"
I can honestly answer
"None of them. Not one. I get up wanting the best and believing the best. The day may not turn out the way I thought, and there are times I wish I had done the day differently, but I want the best, and I want to love others."

So, as I move forward with these two new goals, I would like to proceed with an apology.

I apologize if you have ever felt manipulated by me.
I apologize for any unloving thing I have said.
I apologize for being conditional of my responses that I expected from you.
I apologize for hurting you.
I am truly sorry if I have caused harm in your life, because in no way do I ever mean or intend to bring harm to those I love.

I will never meet up to others expectations of me completely. I know I will probably do or say things that are weird, or strange, or silly. We all can be guilty of that. I am an offender.

But truly loving without condition and letting go of my expectations of others are the priority now.
 I really wish I had been more focused on these 2 things months ago, weeks ago, years ago.
(I also am leaving the camp of "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Living here has not been helpful either.)

Its a confusing and humbling place to be when you realized you screwed up (even if its unintentional) and until about 9p.m. last night in West Bath, Maine with my mentor whom I have known for almost 30 years finally got through to me.

LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and LET GO OF ALL EXPECTATIONS.

Breathe in, breathe out.
I aim to do this life differently.
Love from me to you.
Julie