Luxury vs Insanity Musings of a Mommy

Whatever could I be talking about? What is luxurious about being a Mommy to a 1 year old, a 13 year old, and a 15 year old? The word luxury conjures up visions of chocolate, massage, pedi/mani, a day alone, sipping your favorite drink in a lounge chair on a beach with white sand and the wind whipping through your hair. You get the picture.

So, when I get the comment, which I have gotten MANY times when asked what I do and I reply that I have returned home after having Daniel, then, the individual I am speaking will inevitably
responds, I NEVER had that LUXURY of being at home. Must be nice. Must be nice to afford that! Yeah, yeah, I respond, knowing whatever I really want to say won't be received, thus, blogging begins!

This is a super sensitive, super dividing topic among women. I am not going to start another religion with how I have done it, and you may disagree because you have chosen to wish for this "luxury" of being with your little ones full time, and can't seem to figure out how anyone stays at home with their kids. I am not the guru of Mommydom. Hey, that could be a blog! Just sharing my story, if you care to read on and respond, please do!

Long, Long ago, in a far off land, called the University of Maine, I went to college to become a teacher. So did my husband. When we told people what we wanted to do with our lives, the very first response from any older adult was, You will NEVER make any money at that, you can't survive on a teacher's salary. Why would you want to do that? You are smart, why don't you get a real career and make some money? I am not joking, this is really what people said to us, over, and over, and over again. Well, we both graduated, and jobs were scarce but we had both had multiple jobs in college, so working hard at whatever we could get our hands on was not unfamiliar to either of us. I soon tired of my part-time work with multiple different schools, from tutoring kids just out of the Maine Youth Center (yeah, now that has some stories), to working with a special needs girl in a pool. I wanted to work full-time, I was motivated, I had all this teaching curriculum I had gathered, and I loved kids.

So, I opened a daycare called "The Robbins Nest daycare". I had 11 families on multiple different schedules, I provided breakfast, lunch, and 2 snacks through the Penquis Cap food and menu reimbursement program, I worked each day from 7:15a.m. to 5:15p.m., then washed and vacuumed my home afterwards, and went on my merry way to Dysart's with ValVal for dinner. It paid good money, I was my own boss, I loved my families and their kids. It was good.

Until the day I began to vomit like clockwork in the toilet at 7a.m. On schedule. I could count on it. Then my life began to change.

I remember once or twice having a conversation with a friend who had her doctorate who, after the birth of her first son, was talking to me, a recent COLLEGE GRADUATE, about giving up her career for a bit to work at night to work at Arby's to be at home with her boy during the day. I was incredulous. WHAT would you ever do THAT for? ARE YOU INSANE! Babies don't even have any knowledge of time. You could be gone all day long, how would they know? Why would you give up your career to "baby sit" all day long? You are crazy. And I went on and on and On! There are few conversations in my life that haunt me, and this is one of them. I held absolute no value for what she was talking about. I thought it was stupid to be at home with your kids, that was for women who had no other choice, or no education. YUP, that was me ladies. I totally believed this. TOTALLY. Oh, and don't get me to tell you what I thought of breastfeeding back then, oh yes, I thought it was the grossest, most repulsive thing I had ever heard of, yup, confessions of a non-mother!

Then, I started vomiting at 7a.m., like clockwork,in the toilet.

The whole time I was pregnant with Kristen I prayed each and every morning that she would be healthy. I didn't care about the delivery. I didn't care about what she would look like. I did choose a nursery theme, bunnies, but that was definitely Not my focus. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage after trying for what seemed like a long time to even get pregnant, and I just wanted to hold her and for this pregnancy to make it. I even changed my mind about breastfeeding while pregnant with Kristen. I remember one morning I was praying I started bargaining with God. If you just give me this healthy baby I WILL DO ANYTHING. And I meant it. I even said, I will breastfeed, anything, just to have a healthy baby. I had the 20 week ultrasound, all was well, but I was still not convinced. I had to hold her in my arms to believe it. And of course, I did, and of course, I nursed her immediately, and have been a "lacto-activist" as my friend Carolyn lovingly calls me ever since!

But, with having my own baby life changed for me immediately. Being pregnant changed me. I saw into a life I had only watched others live, sometimes quite glad to go home to my quiet house, free of toy paraphernalia. But, once I realized this pregnancy was going to last, I set the wheels in motion for our life to be different.

We were living in a farm house in Hermon. We had a roommate named Aaron who paid 1/3 of the bills. Aaron was moving out, and the idea of Carl paying all the bills in this farmhouse was not going to work. I had decided I did not want my child to be a daycare child, one of the daycare kids in my home, and so we moved out of our big huge farmhouse, one with a very nice lawn, huge rooms where we used to host youth events, have big parties, family events, you name it we did it on that property. We moved into an apartment in Bangor when I was about 6 mos. pregnant. I was allowed to paint, with my friend Rebecca, Kristen's little nursery, in pink and blue stripes, put up a bunny border. My Mom had bought us a barely used crib, which Daniel is using now, my sister bought me a changing table, and we were good to go. I did not even miss the farmhouse, I was going to be with my baby.

We had never had new cars, being that we chose a profession that made little to no $$$, but my new to me Ford Tempo was sold. We went down to 1 vehicle, the one Carl used to go to work, which, at the time was now in Milo, Maine, teaching. He did however, carpool a couple of days a week so I could have the car occasionally. Does this at all sound like "luxury"?

When baby #2 came along, we were living in Milo, but the job changed and we moved to Howland, Maine. I have to say some our most happy years were spent in our little home in Howland. We may have had 800 square feet of living space in Howland, but fortunately we did have a 3 season porch which was used to host parties, etc, but still a far cry from "luxury". Space has never stopped me from having parties. I remember our first "Love Nest". It was on 818 Ohio Street, a basement apartment. Carl was turning 25 and I decided we would have to have 25 people at this party in an approximately 10 X16 room, and we did. We also played pictionary, and my friend Lynn was in labor during the party. It was very fun!!

Back to Howland. When Carl brought home his teaching contract and showed it to me, I literally cried. Really. I thought how, h o w, how, how, can anyone live on this income? $21,000. Before taxes, health ins., Maine state retirement, taken out. How. I was pregnant with Elizabeth, and even more committed at that point to being at home. How. We found our little home in Howland, but when I first went to look at it Sid Heath wanted $450.oo per month. Totally worth it. I called Sid and said, your house is totally worth this, but we can only afford $350.00, so if you don't find anyone else to rent, please call me. and your house is so worth 450.00 per month, we just cannot afford it. I went on to look at other places in Howland, but 2 days later Sid called and said after having others looks at the house and not feeling sure about their ability to pay, he would rent to us for 350.00. Thanks, God. and Thank you Sid Heath. Because of Sid, we were able to owner finance the house in Howland for $32,000 for 12 years, sold it for 64,000, and bought the only house in Little City for $130,000 with 20% down, and new furniture! (first time ever for us to have new furniture, and at the time, first time to ever have a bank loan, and we were married 15 years!!!) Our furniture "always had a story" as we like to put it. New was never ever in our lifestyle of sacrifice. (I mean "LUXURY").

I would also like to add here, and this is in no way to insult either of our families, but we had no help from family. I can count on my one hand the times my father would secretly give me a check from his business acct. so his wife would not know.No one was ever handing us money for college, for the kids, for a home or a down payment, for food. Nothing. I did however, have a college professor, who we lovingly refer to as Uncle Bill, who felt led to send us money for a time while we were in Howland. We also generously received a check for $500 once from a very dear childhood friend, who after spending time in our home felt we could use it. She has no idea how much that check meant to us and the timing of it. I will be forever grateful.

Then, along came another pregnancy, and miscarriage, and another pregnancy, and miscarriage. And then, at age 42, on 6/30/10, ALONG CAME DANIEL.
I had been back to work for about 10 years now at this point. Mostly part-time. I had tried my hand at full-time, thinking that both girls were in school, so why not? Let's just say my family likes Mom's cooking, Mom's cleaning, Mom's ability to find anything, anytime, day or night, Mom's ability to be there for stuff at school, Mom's shopping, and yes, Mom's lovely personality. Which is greatly diminished by having yet another full-time job.

So what to do about this pregnancy? Well, when my husband first heard about the pregnancy, he was first happy, then worried. We had a plan for me to finally launch myself back into the classroom full-time the following year and pay off debt. We had music lessons to pay for, groceries(which for my girls, is a huge amount of money, and I know what you are thinking, you wouldn't know it to look at them), oil, camps, like soccer, horse, track, you name it they did it. We have to buy clothes, and anyone who knows me, my girls have always been my American Girl Dolls, my live ones. I have always LOVED to dress them, it has been a hobby, a very expensive hobby I have come to realize. Not to mention our trips. We like to go on trips and have fun and eat out. And let's not forget all those pesky bills, like a mortgage.
And of course, in 1 year (this past year!), our furnace blew up, pipes froze, the oven broke, the washer machine broke, the van needed very expensive work, Carl's car got hit (and run). Oh yeah, life.

But, one thing was very clear almost immediately between my hubby and me. Daniel would have his Mommy.

All these things, extenuating circumstances. Oh, and by the way, Carl's teaching contract was for $41,000 when we moved to Bangor and bought this house. I think it was at $56,00 this past year, that may be a little high. All of this is public information, as any state workers salary is. This is before taxes, insurances, dental, Maine State retirement, medicare takeout, etc. And Carl has his Masters degree in mathematics, with a 4.0. Maybe this amount does sound like we are rolling in it to some, but to us, not so much.
You might say, well, where is all that money going? You know that debt I was talking about that we had a plan to pay off when I was going back full time? And we added even more with all our failing household entities. Yeah, that's where it is going, in addition to the regular bills everyone on the planet is paying too much for. And I feed people. That is a biggie.

Am I living in the lap of "luxury" as I previously described? No. We will never own a house that is new that doesn't need some sort of work, NO! (And believe me, I spent years in envy every time I would go into a "mega" house as I call it when I KNOW how hard my husband works. Now I just get a little twinge, and get over it!). We will never own a new car, and by new, I mean less that 5 to 7 years old, that is "new" to us. My plans for foreign travel have been nixed for now. I have begun shopping yard sales for curtains, ladies! That ought to tell you something! I am currently seeking a white cotton shower curtain for my upstairs bathroom, and yes, from either goodwill or a yard sale will do.

But, my life is luxurious.

I see my boy smile each and every day, all day long. I am no longer rushing through McDonald's to feed my family between sporting events. I am making a home again. I am a homemaker, and I can say that proudly. I can be with other Moms again and their little ones and hang out. I can take long walks with my boy, and not be in a hurry.
Even though we do spend a lot of time at sporting events to watch the girls, Daniel has his day with me, gets good naps, and is well fed and ready to go by 3 ish to watch his sissies. And be loved on by oodles of teenagers. I cannot tell you how many people tell me he is the happiest baby they have ever been around.

His needs are met by the one who was created to meet them.

Do we have debt? you betcha!
Do we live pay check to pay check? Yes, for now, until debts are paid off.
Did we have to give up things with me not working? Yes, the saddest was Not our trip to Florida this past year, but the music lessons. I loved listening to my girls music. But, it looks like God may be providing for us to do these again! Hoping!
Can we still give? Of course, we always need to give.
Are we being creative? Yes.
Do we still have fun? YES! If you read any of my posts on facebook, or read my blogs, you know this is very true.

I want this to be an encouragement to those Moms out there who are struggling with the way they are doing life with kids. Bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan, and never letting your husband forget he is your man, is very hard to do. Unfortunately for the men, they are usually last on the list, are forgotten when we are much too busy with everything else. They are the reason we are mothers and their needs are very serious to keep the marriage healthy. I would dare say they get left out, I know mine has when I was unfocussed on what was important.

Insanity is said to be doing the same thing over and over again when it is not working but looking for different results. Is your life insane? Are you looking for different results? I was required to re-think my whole world view when I began vomiting in the toilet each morning at 7a.m. That is the only time you will hear me say how grateful I was for vomit.

Big Hugs to ALL MOMMIES!

Living in the Luxurious Robbins Nest,
Julie