When I was pregnant with Kristen I read every book I could get my hands on relating to baby, parenting, breastfeeding, immunizations, life after baby, the list goes on and on and on. At my baby shower my dear friend Karen Selenich did a spoof on me. It was a "roast" of sorts, all in good fun. She "played" me during the "roast". She came in the room carrying the largest travel bags, both filled to the brim with books, and a third travel bag labelled "Make-up". She was loaded down with the bags, in heavy labor, but would not part with her books, her "knowledge", and of course, looking good while do it, because, she was also not parting with her make-up bag. I laughed at the time, but knowing this was all too true.
I wasn't going to part with my knowledge, and I certainly wouldn't part with looking good.
Along came this wonderful concept of "self-soothing". Babies need to be self-soothers. They should not count on their mothers to soothe them. They should not tell you when they want to eat, you need to tell them. I set them on my schedule, because, after all, I need time to do my hair and make-up, and I need to exercise so I can look good once again. So, you there, over in that crib, if you need me for anything that is not on my created schedule, well, you will just have to "self-soothe".
I don't know about you, but I have never "self-soothed". I am not a "self-soother". At the very least, as a person of faith, I am to rely on God to soothe me right? I am to pray when I am anxious, fearing nothing? Maybe a little chocolate and caffeine thrown in to boot? How then, is my little one, over in that crib, who does not know "God", suppose to soothe herself? I am God to her. Meaning, I am the one she turns to her in her time of need. I am the one he calls out to when he is anxious. Who amongst us "self-soothes"? I can name no one.
Here is how unwell people soothe themselves:
with alcohol,
with drugs,
with shopping therapy,
with food,
with their friends,
with their children, obsessing about every little thing their child does,
with their spouses, getting married because one is afraid to be alone,
and the list can go on and on.
So when I read in these lovely books about self-soothing, I thought I had a problem with my baby because, guess what, she wanted ME! Imagine that!
She did not want a blankie, soft as it was,
She did not want a binkie, ( little plastic things put in children's mouths to stop them from eating or shut them up)
She did not want a clean diaper, however nice it must be to have one,
She did not want to be left alone for hours on end in her crib,
SHE WANTED ME!
And let me tell you, that was a shock!
A shock to this almost 28 year old who had done exactly what she wanted for almost 28 years. You mean, I had to wait on the hair? Not get the make-up perfect? No hours upon hours of exercising to make ME look good? And what about my "ME" time, what about that???? You mean this parenting thing was going to require all of me? Really, that is NOT what all the books say.
The books talk about all sorts of things that were not looking like my life with baby. Could the books be slightly inaccurate or even, gasp, wrong???? Could I possibly give up all my knowledge on the subject of baby?
On to baby #3.
HE WANTS ME. He loves his Daddy, and his loving sisters, and he loves to be held by anyone who wants to squeeze him. He loves to kiss and hug others. He waves at anyone. But,
HE WANTS ME!
There is a very special bond between these children God has entrusted to me and their Mommy. Even now, my older kids want soothing from me. They want assurance from me that they are absolutely wonderful. That I think their choices are awesome. That I think their hair looks great. They love it when I say yes to them. They want my food, initially it was breast milk, now it is the good meals they eat most every night from our table where we sit as a family.
I no longer worry about this silly concept of self soothing. Why would we expect this little creature, who only knows how to communicate through crying to let us know they have a need for comfort and food, self-soothe???? Please, it is crazy. I think it is lazy on our parts. It is a concept born out of the fact we don't want to be bothered with this thing called mommyhood. Guess what? It is all encompassing. It is all consuming. It is a LOT of work. Your day NEVER ends. Don't expect it to and you won't be disappointed! Let go of your expectations that life will resume as you know it. It never will. I was not alone anymore, it isn't all about me, and the sooner I realized this the happier I became. Truly, completely, totally happy. It is NOT about me. Awesome.
Guess What?
This just happened about 14 months ago. Yup. 14 months ago.
And how old are my kids?
Almost 16, almost 14, and 14 months old.
I am so glad for my 14 month old. I think he has made life easier for the other 2.
Blessings to all that already know it isn't about them,
Julie
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