I could get used to this

On Monday I received a phone call from the Adult Literacy office asking me to speak at a volunteer function that was kicking off a community focus on a volunteerism collaboration between UMaine and United Way and some other organizations. I was also just recently asked to be part of the training program that trains tutors for Adult Literacy and English as a Second Language. The time required was approximately 18 hours a year of teaching time, I would be teaching 3 hour training sessions several times in a quarter when the tutor training was offered in the community. I have been a tutor for almost 4 years now, the last year has been in snippets of time since I have Daniel. I was honored to be called to speak at this event this past Friday, and got really excited about it.

The funny thing about me is I was one of those kids afraid of my own shadow. When my mother would introduce me to people I would hide behind her, and would do this even when I became TALLER than my mother. I remember having to get up in front at the church with a group of children and sing. I hung my head the whole time. I begged my mother to not make me go up there, she wasn't listening. I also was a kid who could not read out loud fluently until I was in the 7th grade. I had great comprehension, spent many hours out in the hall way speed reading, watching a projector screen on the wall, trying to get the words out. I was petrified to get in front of my peer group to the point of hyperventilating even at the mention of the possibility of speaking in front of my peer group at school. I would lay my head on my desk, get a throbbing headache, someone would lead me down the nurses office, I would loose sight in one eye, see spots, my left side would go numb, my Mom would come and take me home. I would cry, Mom pray for me, my head is going to explode. It was terrible. She would, then get me water and tylenol, and I would go to bed, wake up the next day and be exhausted. The cycle began in about 4th grade and did not end until the middle of 7th grade.

As I prepared for Friday, many things went through my mind. I usually touch briefly on my childhood, and how I would have never dreamed what I was about to do to be possible. And that people would want to hear me speak? or think I was actually good at it? I know, Bill, I can hear you through the computer screen as you read this! I was also struck by the other thoughts that were going through my mind as well, thoughts that I had not yet grappled with since my "return home" after having Daniel.
Thoughts like, I could get used to this.

What could I get used to?

Well, for one, I got to get ready with no interruptions. Carl had taken the day off after an extremely bad night with Daniel and no sleep. We aren't sure why he got up every 45 minutes to an hour, maybe the 7 teeth coming in at once, 4 being molars, or maybe he was cold. Either way, the family leave day came in handy. I was able to shower, blow dry my hair!!!, put on make up, AND wear tights with a nice skirt and cool jacket and I wore my daughters boots, which are really cool. The whole ensemble, was, well, cool, hip, happening, NOW! My sister stopped by and saw me, could not believe I had no sleep, and how good I looked, all hip looking and all. The hair, awesomeness, she told me. The vibe, so COOL!

I proceeded to my speaking arrangement. I was not the keynote, but I was one of three, and I had prepped 5 points to cover, sharing my personal experience with volunteerism in literacy, what changed in me as a result, what I noticed about me in the process. I must say, I know this may sound a wee bit prideful, please forgive me, but I AM a good speaker. I can formulate a topic well, make it interesting and real, I feel genuinely for any topic I am speaking on at the moment, or I wouldn't bother to say anything at all, I have a good sense of humor and eye contact. After the end of the engagement, someone from Literacy Volunteers came to me and said I am so glad I was here to hear you speak. She also made a follow up call to let me know that what I had said spoke to quite a few people in the crowd. Amazing. I almost couldn't believe what she was saying.

I left after doing my part. As I walked out to the car, I thought, do I really need to go home right now? Isn't there somewhere I could go looking as good as I do right now? Fortunately my husband had driven me there, did some errands (my sister was at the house watching Daniel) and was picking me up. He is my constant reminder we have NO MONEY! Doesn't matter how good you look, we can not go and spend any money, considering the gas we are spending tomorrow to go to Cumberland for Kristen's cross country meet.

I  began to pout.

Sigh.

No Money.

The battle cry of my life that I am SICK of hearing. That's IT! I want money and I want it now. No date while I am looking this hot? Are you crazy???? What's another $20 bucks? Come on, lunch at OLIVE GARDEN would be awesome, and don't I deserve it, after all. I was just up all night with my boy, I just spoke, I look good, and quite frankly, I NEED a break. I NEED to sit and be waited on.

Alright, that's it, I am getting a job.

It was okay leaving Daniel. With my sister. After all she IS family. Not like he is going to get stuck in a daycare. It feels good to look good, right? I mean, when IS the last time I spent this much time on ME? And, can't I make the world a better place being out in that world using my God given talents of teaching and speaking, I mean, come on. Babies have no sense of time anyway, a week is like a day is like an hour. How would he even KNOW, really, that I wasn't there. And I am sick of sacrificing, having no money for my own date night. Being totally psyched when I get Hannaford gift cards from my dear sweet friends so I can GET groceries. Or having the heat on 60 degrees, layering my son in long johns so we aren't cold during the day. I mean, aren't all these reasons good enough to leave and get a job?

It is amazing what can go through the mind in a matter of 5 minutes when a person is told no.

Carl said, what are you thinking about? Oh, nothing worth repeating.

And then I got home.

Those tights, well, they started getting uncomfortable. I changed into my 1 pair of jeans that I would wear in public. That jacket, very pretty with the skirt, but a bit unpractical for nursing my boy in.

And then I saw HIM.

Arms up in the air the moment he heard the door open, coming around the corner, with the biggest smile on his plump little face, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA! Louder and Louder and Louder. I pick him up, his arms wrap around my neck, he is kissing ME. MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA! Do you want to snuggle, I ask. (Our cue for nursing). He keeps hugging me. We go up stairs and snuggle, he falls asleep on our bed, and remains that way for an hour or 2. The cutest little smile on his face. He is one happy boy. He has his Momma, and all is right in Daniel's world.

So, I am glad I did not rant on my husband about the fact we didn't go on a date when I was looking so good. I am grateful for ladies who care and give me gift cards. Hey, I live in Maine, I am tough, and yes, we do turn the heat above 60 when it gets super cold out or we have company. It  is only money, our other battle cry over the past year and a half when the furnace blew up, the washer machine broke, the pipes froze in the back room. Our plan of being out of debt in 3 years, ain't happening.

But that plump little face.
Those outstretched arms.
That Momma, or DA.
Melts us both every time and refocuses us.
Yes, the sacrifice is worth it. The stretching of finances, is worth it. That smile.
The cuddling that will soon be over.
It truly is all GOOD.

Love Love Love.

Julie