She does not see me........

"She does not see me for who I am. Who I have been in her life."

That statement made by a Mom whom I share the thrill of walking through teenage life with daughters. She went on to describe some of her wonderful daughter's strengths, and the struggles of communication at times with her daughter. I was almost brought to tears by what she said.

"She does not see who I am." It struck a nerve in my very fragile heart.

I was talking to my sister-in-law recently. I said, we should right a book about teenagers. We began brainstorming about the title. One of the choices was "What I never told my Mother when I was Dating".
It could be an anonymous confessional, and we could all learn from it. I was lamenting that millions and millions and millions of dollars are spent on how to care for an infant. I will tell you how to care for an infant, hold them, feed them, change their diapers, and prepare to not sleep for a year. If you want to sleep, don't have a brood of small children. 'nough said. Oh, and they will want to sleep with you, let them, before you know it they will be giving you dagger looks with their eyes and you will be saying, oh I wish for those baby years, and start looking at baby pictures of them. I always know when Moms start posting baby pictures of their teenagers on facebook it has either been an bad day, month, or year and you want to remember that sweet little one who made you feel like you could do no wrong, that there were days they actually didn't recoil from your touch or kiss, and that they WANTED you around (for something other than money or a ride to the mall).

I was lying in bed the other morning at 3:45a.m. unable to sleep. I have been doing this a lot lately. I pray, and think, and pray, and think. Trying to solve everything every day by 4a.m. That's why they call me superMOM, not.

And that statement kept coming.

She doesn't know who I am.

And I thought, not only doesn't she know who I am, she has no idea who I was.

Daughter #1 has no idea what it is like to wish for a baby, loose it, get pregnant again (finally!) and get up each and every morning praying, God, just let me hold this baby. Just make her healthy and alive, just let me hold this baby. I will do anything, ANYTHING (even Breastfeed!!!...yup, I actually had an aversion to this before I had Kristen!), just let me hold this baby. Daughter #2 has no idea what it is like to spend a year healing from a difficult delivery and spending every day of that pregnancy pleading for an easy delivery and quick healing. (which I got, by the way).

None of the children know how supremely difficult it was for me to go to college. To take 5 years to do it, all the while working 2 or 3 jobs, waitressing, selling Tupperware, being a jewelry sales girl, work study jobs through UMaine which including Shelving Books at the Bangor Public Library  (can you say SNOOZE!), or herding sheep for grad. students and weeding their plots all summer? All those years, all that sacrifice and  dedication for that degree to turn around and say, Absolutely! I will stay home and take care of you all and we will live on 21,000 a year. (Carl's starting salary when teaching in Howland, Maine). And I won't blink an eye because I love you and being away from you would never be worth it to me.

They also don't know that their Mom has run a couple small businesses, been the director for a children's ministry, was groomed to be an executive director of a pregnancy center, and trained in abortion recovery. They don't know what it was like for me to be their cheerleader every morning, as I had one girl who despised her elementary years, then go off to work after dropping them off at school to be attacked by a child daily who did not know if I was imaginary or real. Or try to work with a group of 5 year olds who took a 1/2 of a school year to listen to ONE STORY! (My 2 year old does that daily!).

There are days when one in hollering about the hair straitner, the house is up in arms as she is sure I put it somewhere on purpose to hide it from her, the other is shooting daggers as I have asked one too many boy questions, life questions, how was your day questions, her response, you know, you should really become a reporter with this line of questioning. SIGH. Those without teens, or those who had the perfect teens, please do not post suggestions to me. I don't need suggestions. I don't need judgement. I just need a good strong drink occasionally, but alas, I don't drink alcohol, so I choose chocolate & coffee & time alone sitting at Governors.

Some Day my children might see me.
But maybe not.
Maybe someday when they stop worrying about grades, sports, relationships, getting drivers licenses, cool boots, eyeliner, and makeup, they might look up and see their mom.

Someone who freely gave up what she felt was her academic calling, who is always here, who wants to have their friends over and make it fun for them, who is available when they call for a ride, who cant wait for them to get home and ask questions about their day, who needs to look in their eyes and face every day, making assessments on their demeanor, who plans all healthy meals to make sure they are healthy, who makes sure either Dad or I are at their sporting events, who CAN find ANYTHING.

Maybe I will be "seen" by them one day.

This is where the selflessness of parenting comes in. It is never about me. Ever. I Have Kids.

Either way, I am not going anywhere, and I will continue with my reporter-esque line of questions.

NO ONE gets rid of me easy, ever....

Love to all the Moms, and Big Time Hugs to the ones with Teenagers!!!

Still blessed,
Julie