Faking it, but not making it...no one likes a sad person.

I have come to realize recently no one likes a sad person. Well, initially they can stand your angst, but there's an absolute limit. Everyone has a time frame. Everyone has advice. Everyone says

"You need to stop this!"

Do you ever wonder why people are sad? Or need to cry? Or have anxiety, depression, feelings of overwhelm?

I have always been a smiley, happy, joyful person. In my 48 years on planet earth, even my mother would tell you I was always happy. Never a behavior problem. Followed the rules. Played well with others, in general. Did not start arguments, fights, angst among my peers, was quick to laugh. I was actually referred to by several parents as "the giggler" as they would be trying to go to sleep and I would be out in their livingrooms visiting whomever, laughing until the wee hours of the morning. I found everything funny, or could.

If you have read my blog at all you know of some of my disappointments in life, my losses, trying times in my marriage. You know I have made it through each one with a semblance of joy, getting to the other side, making the best of ALL SITUATIONS.

But, this time is different.

A sadness has settled over me like no other. I am in therapy, but honestly, its not helping much.

I possibly could point to recent disappointments, discouraging situations, losses, but I really don't think its that only. Those events were catalysts to something that was brewing long before.

For the first time in my 48 years I have not brushed off what I have truly felt and moved on. I can't. I just don't have it in me. I'm older. I've experienced too much. I know right from wrong now. Injustice and unfairness slice me like a knife unlike any other time. I feel powerless.

Ive prayed.

Ive cried.

Ive gone seeking for closure, NONE.

I can't fix everything in my brain that I have snuffed under the guise of joy for 48 years. Too much has happened. Every camel has its final straw. Ive had mine recently.

So please, give me a break.

I know people are used to me one way. I will do my best. I will still find joy in my son, my making of m&m pancakes, my loving husband. I will do my best to remember the joyful moments inside my home walls, creating a new normal.

And I love your encouragement. I do. I love my wonderful friends who have been there for me alllllll these many many many years. And, please know, I appreciate each and every one of you.

There are so many years I am processing right now, and its all in one big yarn ball entitled
Abandoment, Fear, Loss, and Anxiety. This ball has been building since I was about 10 and I had my first panic attack, when, back in the day, no one would have called it that, but I was worried about my parents while I was at school and it all just snowballed. Head into now, and its a pretty huge yarn ball that has not been dealt with.

But, Im dealing with it, in my way, my timing, my head and my heart.

Its nobody's fault, its just plain life.

So bear with me. Don't get angry with me if I tear up, it means I have feelings. Don't tell me to Stop, that just makes it harder. Don't redirect me, I am smart enough to redirect myself, and I know where to take myself when it gets bad....a walk, the water, time alone for a good cry, writing in my journals.

Part of me wants to apologize profusely for all this emotion and sadness. But why should I? Its one of the emotions we have. If you expect everyone you love to be happy allllll the time, you are putting an expectation on them that is completely unreasonable.

When I am over this, I will be over it. Let me have my emotions. ALL of THEM. I am not just
"Joyful Julie".... Julie has feelings when she has loved with her whole heart, sorry, no stone to be found in this heart, just mush.
"Laughing Julie"....gets angry at injustice, gossip, lies, slander, esp against those she loves. all of those she loves... ALL of THEM.
"Plays well with others Julie"...is pissed too. really bitchy, bastardly, all out pissed. I actually do get very angry, believe it or not.

But the most important attribute about me is
I LOVE YOU.
I will love you forever, once you are in my heart. That will never change. I don't care what you do, what you say, even if you decide to hate me. I don't care. Because I have been loved unconditionally, so I can love unconditionally.

So, if I weep. Don't worry about me. I will be a better person as I allow myself to grieve and move through all the things I have stuffed down over all the years. I will become more compassionate. I will become more understanding. I will become more loving. I will become less reactionary to what happens to me because I will have dealt with all the shit that I have allowed to reactivate me.

I love you all.
Sincerely,
Blessed by my Mess,
Knowing that Love is always the answer, STILL

Julie