Day 4 of 1Hundred. What am I thinking?

I was lamenting to Carl this morning that it simply does not FEEL like Christmas to me. We did not get to go to the parade yesterday because Daniel came down with a fever and cold and fell asleep. We don't have our tree. We have always made a big deal about getting the tree at Piper Mountain and last year we made a big deal about our Christmas card picture, cutting down the tree there as our "initiation" into a tradition with some people we love dearly. I said this morning, You know how when your kids hit that age where you THINK you want them gone, and they do need to be GONE, as they reach that desperate need for independence, but...then THEY ARE GONE.

GONE.

And you have to start celebrating life without them, without their spouses or significant others. GONE. And you start to feel almost like they are doing you a favor to hang out with you, or you beg them to stay longer, or come over for dinner, and well, they have their own lives. Their lives are now in full throttle without you, their parents. You know those people? That gave you life and would still die for you? Those people.

My wonderful husband says to me. Well, we can focus on Daniel, and I quickly said, I love you too. And I like you too, Carl, its just sooooooo...QUIET. I miss the daily activity. I miss people around my table, talking about their stressful days, or jerks at school, or the next debate meet, or the next Saturday cross country meet, or track meet at UMaine field house. Or Prom. Or hosting big ass parties for kids I simple absolutely miss and adore. And he said, well. It may seem as if no one misses us, or this, or you. But, think of it from their perspective. They do have feelings about lots of things we don't know. We conjecture every time we guess what they are feeling or thinking. They are doing their lives. They are facing stresses we know nothing about and simply don't have time to worry about us, or even what we are thinking or missing. Its because we have slowed down, we are missing. They are all busy, trying to figure life out. We are on the other end, so to speak. And I love you, Julie. Don't be hard on yourself if its different. Just do what you can....and I may say, if I might, Can we get an artificial tree now?  (He's always trying to slide that one in, looking for a weak moment...)

Now, just so you don't think I'm totally bah humbug, I will tell you that I did get out my Nativity set and put it up in my diningroom. And I do have some lights still hung up from Elizabeth's 19th birthday party. Life just feels very subdued. Slow. Melancholy. Dragging. I know, what a downer today. Last time I'm reading this blog...shesh....

This is life, though. There are times its full to brim of magic, high times, parties, accolades, and then its 3a.m. and you are wondering...What the hell just happened? I move between WTH? and Joy quite frequently. I can't be the only one. And it would seem the holidays, however filled with "blessings" seem to also highlight the missing as you remember and compare one Christmas to the next or the last Christmas or the last whatever holiday you celebrated with your peeps.

So, I'm home today. Daniel is still sickly. The dog is still whining at me incessantly to go out and bark at every single person and annoy every single person. I'm in need of a bit of Holiday Cheer. I will go into the attic, get down some more decorations and decorate. I will continue to play the Christmas music station. I will read my newest favorite book "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp, as she speaks to my soul. And I will do my absolute best to chase away this......this longing of missing. Fighting the redefinition of this missing of people.

I will leave you all who are reading with this. Because, I do know, I am truly Blessed, even if I'm in a different stage of life.

Loving from a Distance.
Happy Holidays.
I may eat cookies all day today, if I make any.
Missing You All.

Julie Erb Robbins

If Wishes were Horses, and Chariots could Fly?...Day 3 of 100 days Writing challenge.

I was asked often my senior year of high school what I wanted to do with my life. Where did I want to go to college, what career path did I see myself taking, where did I want to end up in life?
Can I tell you those are amazingly daunting questions for a 17 year old?

What was She like? What did She want? How did She envision herself in the future?

Let me explain She for a minute.
She laughed easily, and was overwhelmed quickly, making life a careful balancing act.
She enjoyed the company of many, but wanted the attention of one.
She obeyed well, kept the rules, never swore or lied,ever to her parents. When her father would say "Are you still my good girl?" she would answer "Yes!" assuming that it was her father's way of checking in on her relationship with the opposite sex, that it had not gotten too far. She listened to the stories of her friends in the locker rooms, and wondered why they seemed so carefree and She was so stressed about so many things. She was grounded in her faith, to the extent a 17 or 18 year old could be. She was a people pleaser, hating conflict of any kind, wanting those around her to like her and be happy with her. She LOVED to talk. She loved to laugh. She hated that she had such early curfews and none of her friends did. She never watched Saturday Night Live because it was on too late and she could not be tired for church. She tried not to feel guilty, and when she did, she made her way to the little church altar. She barely thought of her future, other than to say "I want to be happy, and to have a happy home."

He. What did He want? Who was He? He was charming. He was a great dancer. He was just a wee bit buzzed when He met She. He was feeling brave when He saw She, sitting with her friends that night. He thought She would say "NO", when He asked She to dance, He felt up for a challenge. She looked like a challenge. She looked like the "kind" that would say "NO". She said "Yes".  He was smart. He had overcome much, but had much to hide when He met She. She was so good, He was....questionable. He had learned to survive his life. He had been grateful for his intelligence, because you can be rich, but you can't buy smarts. He was poor. He was a foster child. DHS knew his name and address. He had to give up his education at MIT because his parents could not come up with $3000. He had tried to fill his life with his smarts, his self focused life, but then He met Her.

Love Changed Everything.

This photo demonstrates the love of a Father. When Love enters our heart for another all the doubts and fears slowly melt away. Did He ever fear the future? Of course. Did She fear the future? Of course. Did they have doubts that they could ever end up on the same page about anything? ALL THE TIME. We were so different, as you have read. We came from different worlds.

But, Love.

The Greatest of These is Love. 1 Corinthians 13 was read at our wedding on May 20,1989.
This photo is from our daughter Kristen's wedding to Lucas. 26 years after He and She met.
Lots of living happened between March 7, 1987 and July 11, 2014. Lots.

 If I have it all, can say it all, can see it all, own it all, but am alone and without Love, I am nothing. I am a clanging symbol that everyone will tire of....except
Except the One Who Truly Loves Me....
I can clamor on and on and on. And Love Listens.
I can fail, but Love Picks Me Up, and says "Try Again, I know you can Do It!"
I can lie, but Love Says, "I forgive you Please Trust Me with your Truth."
I can hide things, but Love Says," Please Tell Me, I promise, I will stay, don't be scared."

So, if She and He had One Wish? They would wish for Happiness and Love for their Brood.
But other wishes would include:
They would wish for Honesty to Find a Way, as it did for them.
They would wish for Open Hearts, as their became.

Love found a way in He and She. Love mended hurts they both had. Love filled a hole. Love of another person, someone who believed in them, created a healing. Love grew with Time. Time grew this love. Tragedy grew this Love. Trials grew this Love of He and She.

And if wishes were horses, and chariots could fly?

They would still choose each other.

Much Much Love to All.

Julie Erb Robbins

Can't Stop this feelin'...day 2 of 100 days of writing.

This song makes me smile. I could listen to this over and over and over again.

This is what life felt like for He and She when they met on the eve of March 7, 1987. He and She danced into the wee hours of the morning. She hoped he would call, as He had put her number in his data bank watch. So She waited, not so patiently.

He did not call.

Better than calling, He came into her work, the jewelry department of Service Merchandise. She remembers looking up, seeing him in his work attire, dress pants, dress shirt, skinny tie, blond hair, blue eyes, big smile. Hey, Julie. Hey, YOU! Do you want to go out to a movie with me on Tuesday night? UM YES! You beautiful beautiful boy. I will go absolutely anywhere with you, anywhere. Did I say anywhere? Yes, that IS what I was thinking. Ahhh, but really? Why is his name Carl, I mean he looks like a Steve, or a Dave, not a Carl. I mean, old men that look like leprecons are named Carl. He told me later he hated his name. I could have actually cared less what his name was.....LOL.

We went to the movie called "Manniquin". We tried watching it years later and we thought, that was possibly THE LAMEST movie of the '80's. I laughed all the way through the movie. WHY? I have no idea after trying to watch this lame movie. He remembers thinking, hmmmm, that laugh is "interesting", I don't know if I could listen to that for the rest of my life.  Now, he tells me its one of things he loves the most about me, hearing me laugh.

We did what most couples do. We spent every waking moment we could together. All my friends had gone off to college in other states. I had taken a year off, and was working, ready to start at UMaine in the fall. Carl was a math education major at UMaine in Orono. He was vice president of the student body. I remember him telling me, I would have never introduced anyone else to Chris Boothby, but I want to bring you up to the office to meet him. I remember meeting Chris and thinking, wow, he's cute too!!!  I began hanging out in the student government office, going to senate meetings, working, going to college as well. I lived in Knox Hall..ate in cafeteria. I loved the food. I loved Carl. Life was pretty good.

I met some really great friends in college. I am still friends with them to this day. Lynn Clark and Vicki Heath. Oh my goodness. I would flee to Lynn's room and she would make me tea. I was at a yard sale several summers ago and I saw an exact electric tea pot that Lynn used and I bought it. It works! I would also run to Vicki's place at University Park. She had twins and I just adored babies. I love these two women. They made dorm life bearable.

College is a time in your life that you question everything. Carl made me question everything. He was the first person I had ever spent time with that didn't really believe everything I spewed forth with all my Sunday School answers. He would say "Do you REALLY believe that?" or "Why do you believe that?" Never occurred to me until that point I needed a good answer other than well, because that's what I've always been taught and everyone I have hung out with thinks this way.... hahaha small bubble got burst in a hurry. Carl brought so much into my life. He opened my eyes. He opened my heart. He showed me a different world. He's always played devils advocate, he really should have been a lawyer. He loves math, but he can make a case for ANYTHING, and oppose or support ANYTHING, and you really don't know what he's really thinking. I still don't sometimes, and I've been with him 30 years. I used to get worried or think I had to change his mind, but now what I realize is there is room for so many more thoughts, feelings, realizations, rationalizations, beliefs, than I ever thought possible.
Carl Joseph Robbins....he changed my life like no one else could.

All for the better, in my opinion.

Love to you all,  But most of all to Carl.
Julie Erb Robbins
She is still trying to figure life out, but oh so happy doing it with this guy.

These 2. Day 1 of 100 days of writing.

These two. They met in a dance club on the eve of March 7, 1987. She was 18. He was 21. This picture was taken about 5 weeks after meeting each other while she celebrated her 19th birthday. What did I know about him? He was a frat boy. He was president of the senate at University of Maine in Orono. He had a campaign button that he gave me that said "Boothby~Robbins...Policy, not Promises." He worked at Standard Shoes in the Mall, hence why I immediately after meeting him went and got a waitressing job at Deering Ice Cream just around the corner from Standard Shoes so that I could potentially see him. (I wasn't going to chase him, I was going for subtle...). I stayed up into the wee hours talking to him about everything, or so I thought. Of course there were many things I did not know, but I liked him. He was engaging, funny, a great conversationalist, showered me with many compliments. He was the first male to ever get me roses. He gave me 1 dozen roses 2 weeks after we met and began dating. He taped them into the hatchback of my orange Pinto. What was it about me that this party boy liked? I have no idea. We existed on different planets. He quickly informed me I met ALL his expectations. I was flattered that I could meet all of someones expectations, especially someone as pretty as he was.
As you travel through this next 100 days with me you may hear my truths that are hard to accept, and you don't have to. You may get a new view of me that you simply did not know existed. But let me assure you, I am Julie Robbins, who was Julie Erb, who still is Julie Erb, just 30 years older with a different last name. But, Julie Robbins has lived just a little bit since that day of March 7, 1987. She has far more questions now, and had far more answers then. Julie Erb thought she had had her heart broken a million times by March 7, 1987, but Julie Robbins has lived through utter and complete brokenness that has created in her a compassion, understanding, empathy, and an extremely forgiving nature that knows no bounds.
You will hear  about many stories, antidotes, verses, songs, moments, people, children, places, jobs, adventures, I've had in the past almost 49 years of living on planet earth. I will do my best to make them enjoyable to read. I may try my hand at writing a fictional  short story. I've got plenty!
These two.
"I am confident of this very thing....God, who began a good work in {Carl and Julie}, will be faithful to complete it." Phil 1;6.
Between the beginning and the completing a work in us, in anybody, a whole lot of time passes. A whole lot of living happens. A whole lot of mistakes are made, unkind words spoken, life distracts from the beginning of a good work.
BUT being confident of this very thing....God is faithful.
Even when she and he were not faithful.
Even when she and he hurt each other.
Even when she and he strayed off the beaten path.
I believe this for all my kids. Because I know, from the beginning to the completion? A whole lot of living goes on.
Yeah for this 100 Day Writing Challenge.
Thank you so much for joining me!!!
Julie Erb Robbins

Beauty Pageant 101...its not what you think.

I just got back from my first beauty pageant. My daughter Elizabeth was a participant. It was her first time being involved in something of this nature. I learned just a couple things as a result of being an onlooker. I also realized how one could easily develop and adhere to stereotypes of females involved in beauty pageants. It gave me an opportunity to dispel my own preconceived notions and come away with new eyes.
Just a few things I learned that I think parallels life in a very seemingly ordinary ways.

1. It helps if you have people to cheer you on.
As I sat in the crowd I cheered for my daughter. I looked around and watched other parents do the same thing. They were waving ornate signs, had many people to scream and holler. There was even one boyfriend in the crowd hollering....that's my girlfriend...shes AWESOME... I LOVE YOU BABY. When I first heard him, I thought, how obnoxious, like, wow, pipe down, would you? But then I caught myself, WAIT A MINUTE! What a bold thing to do! Declare to THE WHOLE WORLD that I'M PROUD OF YOU and I will act like an idiot, screaming, shouting, cheering, and I don't care who hears me!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I'm proclaiming in a very loud manner my feelings for you!!!!! I'm not keeping you secret, I don't care who knows, I think you are awesome and dammit, I am proud to pay that $75 bucks per ticket to be here and I want the world to KNOW!!!

2. In life, class and poise go a very long way.
My gal has stage presence. She can walk that walk in heels. She was brave enough to dance in a cocktail dress, in heels, on stage, with other people she had never met. She rocked that dress. She then had to do a very poised walk in a bikini. I know what your thinking, showing off the skin, oh my. But honestly folks. Me thinks thou doest protest too much. She looked amazing. She walked with poise. She was classy in that black little number, and I could not have been prouder of her. Shes been very open recently about her struggles with an eating disorder. But she looked AMAZING. HEALTHY. BEAUTIFUL. CLASSY. It was one of those moments, when you know someone's struggle and you look at them and you think... YOU GO GIRL!!!!! You look great, and I know how hard its been for you to be proud of you and your body. She overcame a demon on that stage that night in that black bikini. She is strong. I just drank in her poise and grace as she walked that walk in front of a room full of at least 1000 people.  She owned her moment. It brought me to tears.

3. Life is about making the best of an outcome you don't like.
Of course, we all thought Elizabeth would just walk in and WIN this thing.... because, you know, we think she's amazing!!!! However, there were ladies much older than Elizabeth competing who knew all the pageant ropes. It helps to know the ropes. She got a pageant education this weekend. She now knows what to expect. She evaluated her performance, what she would do differently, and what it will take to make it into the top 10, top 5, runner up, and win the crown. Elizabeth is a quick study. She said as we left, I may not be happy about the outcome of tonight, I had hoped to place higher, however, I GOT TO DO IT. I qualified to be here, that's an honor. I got to meet and befriend some amazing women. I learned a lot about myself. I built my confidence. I comforted some of the girls who were truly devastated and hugged them and told them it would be alright, that this is simply a moment in life, that you are amazing all on your own, right now. AMAZING!!! Elizabeth was happy as she got into the van. Mom, I got to do this. It was such a good experience. I'm so glad I had this opportunity. She has grown so much, even in 3 days, so much.

4. Its nice to stand in line with people you know. aka: Do life with people who love and like you.
My sister in law, Jenny, was no stranger to how to be first in line at the pageant to get the best seats. She only would settle for first in line, so we got there HOURS before the pageant started on both days. Have you EVER stood in line for anything? Like HOURS UPON HOURS UPON HOURS??? If you haven't you have missed out on life... lol...because I got to stand in line for what seemed like 1000 hours. But guess what? I got to know Jon and Kelly Gaudet. I got to know Nick Gaudet better, he's marrying my niece, Faith, whom I got to talk to. I talked to Jenny, Annabelle, Dan. I love these people. I hope they still love me after being around me so much. I stayed up late Friday night with Abby, Faith, Elizabeth, Jenny, and I talking girl talk in a hotel room. Dreamy, steamy, sweet, funny, enlightening, girl talk. I found out things I did not know. I'm glad I'm doing life with people like this. I hung out in Jon and Kelly's room, and got to sit next to their son. He's a very nice young man. I like his parents. I was impressed they were there. Kelly's response, We are family, Julie, this is what family does. I was touched. I thought, who would stand in a line for me? THESE PEOPLE. These people stand in line with me every single day. Jenny stands in line with me every day when I know she's praying for all my crazy thoughts and dreams and hopes. Ask yourself....Who do I want standing in line for me? Hang on to those people. On second thought, you won't have to hang on to them, they will just show up and be willing to be there for you for 1000 hours, standing in the proverbial and literal line, without blinking an eye.

So, I learned a lot this weekend. I saw a lot this weekend. I have brand new experiences this weekend to which I can always relate to life to write about for your reading pleasure.

Who is standing in line for you? Who will SCREAM "I LOVE YOU" from the roof tops and not care who hears? Who is doing life with you? Who is there for you, NO MATTER WHAT? You have people like that in your life because YOU ARE that kind of person. You want those people? You be THAT PERSON.
Who screams, cheers, relishes the moments, comforts, loves deeply, honors, stands in heels for 1000 hours, shows up just because. Those people are THE PEOPLE.


I love my friends, I love my family, I love my friends like family. Everyone is my family.
Love from this Nest to yours.
Julie Robbins

Faking it, but not making it...no one likes a sad person.

I have come to realize recently no one likes a sad person. Well, initially they can stand your angst, but there's an absolute limit. Everyone has a time frame. Everyone has advice. Everyone says

"You need to stop this!"

Do you ever wonder why people are sad? Or need to cry? Or have anxiety, depression, feelings of overwhelm?

I have always been a smiley, happy, joyful person. In my 48 years on planet earth, even my mother would tell you I was always happy. Never a behavior problem. Followed the rules. Played well with others, in general. Did not start arguments, fights, angst among my peers, was quick to laugh. I was actually referred to by several parents as "the giggler" as they would be trying to go to sleep and I would be out in their livingrooms visiting whomever, laughing until the wee hours of the morning. I found everything funny, or could.

If you have read my blog at all you know of some of my disappointments in life, my losses, trying times in my marriage. You know I have made it through each one with a semblance of joy, getting to the other side, making the best of ALL SITUATIONS.

But, this time is different.

A sadness has settled over me like no other. I am in therapy, but honestly, its not helping much.

I possibly could point to recent disappointments, discouraging situations, losses, but I really don't think its that only. Those events were catalysts to something that was brewing long before.

For the first time in my 48 years I have not brushed off what I have truly felt and moved on. I can't. I just don't have it in me. I'm older. I've experienced too much. I know right from wrong now. Injustice and unfairness slice me like a knife unlike any other time. I feel powerless.

Ive prayed.

Ive cried.

Ive gone seeking for closure, NONE.

I can't fix everything in my brain that I have snuffed under the guise of joy for 48 years. Too much has happened. Every camel has its final straw. Ive had mine recently.

So please, give me a break.

I know people are used to me one way. I will do my best. I will still find joy in my son, my making of m&m pancakes, my loving husband. I will do my best to remember the joyful moments inside my home walls, creating a new normal.

And I love your encouragement. I do. I love my wonderful friends who have been there for me alllllll these many many many years. And, please know, I appreciate each and every one of you.

There are so many years I am processing right now, and its all in one big yarn ball entitled
Abandoment, Fear, Loss, and Anxiety. This ball has been building since I was about 10 and I had my first panic attack, when, back in the day, no one would have called it that, but I was worried about my parents while I was at school and it all just snowballed. Head into now, and its a pretty huge yarn ball that has not been dealt with.

But, Im dealing with it, in my way, my timing, my head and my heart.

Its nobody's fault, its just plain life.

So bear with me. Don't get angry with me if I tear up, it means I have feelings. Don't tell me to Stop, that just makes it harder. Don't redirect me, I am smart enough to redirect myself, and I know where to take myself when it gets bad....a walk, the water, time alone for a good cry, writing in my journals.

Part of me wants to apologize profusely for all this emotion and sadness. But why should I? Its one of the emotions we have. If you expect everyone you love to be happy allllll the time, you are putting an expectation on them that is completely unreasonable.

When I am over this, I will be over it. Let me have my emotions. ALL of THEM. I am not just
"Joyful Julie".... Julie has feelings when she has loved with her whole heart, sorry, no stone to be found in this heart, just mush.
"Laughing Julie"....gets angry at injustice, gossip, lies, slander, esp against those she loves. all of those she loves... ALL of THEM.
"Plays well with others Julie"...is pissed too. really bitchy, bastardly, all out pissed. I actually do get very angry, believe it or not.

But the most important attribute about me is
I LOVE YOU.
I will love you forever, once you are in my heart. That will never change. I don't care what you do, what you say, even if you decide to hate me. I don't care. Because I have been loved unconditionally, so I can love unconditionally.

So, if I weep. Don't worry about me. I will be a better person as I allow myself to grieve and move through all the things I have stuffed down over all the years. I will become more compassionate. I will become more understanding. I will become more loving. I will become less reactionary to what happens to me because I will have dealt with all the shit that I have allowed to reactivate me.

I love you all.
Sincerely,
Blessed by my Mess,
Knowing that Love is always the answer, STILL

Julie

Living with Consequences of Being a Bystander.

I have questioned myself recently about why I have been so upset. To some it makes no sense. Why do I have such deep emotions? Why don't I just get over people or places or situations? Why don't I just give up? Why do I even care about anyone? Especially enough to become remotely concerned or invested in.

And then it came to me after a recent conversation with my mentor. He and I have processed a great many issues since his involvement in my life at the age of 18. 30 years of processing, living, listening, loving. Wow, Bill Cumming, you are simply amazing.

"Consequences" is the word that is floating around in my mind.

I am living with consequences that I never would have chosen. I am a bystander in most of the consequences that I live with. Hear me out for a moment.

My parent's divorce. Bystander.

Unfaithfulness and difficulties in relationship(s). Bystander.

Moving and living in places where I knew no one. Bystander

Miscarriages. Bystander

Death of loved one.  Bystander

Loss of family members I thought were permanent. Bystander

Watching loved ones suffer. Bystander.

None of the above mentioned events I would have chosen to create under any circumstances. EVER. My spirit this morning is dealing with circumstances yet again beyond my control. I get to be a bystander to more pain, more disappointment, more dreams dashed. (for the moment).

I am the type of person who dreams of love, a great family life, enjoying people in my home, creating beautiful and good and happy memories for others, hence all the celebrations, the parties, the gifts, the cards of encouragement, or the little treats awaiting people when they get home, like a favorite drink of ice tea or cliff bars, or making spaghetti with no sauce because  I know you really do hate sauce.

Some would call me a people pleaser. I believe  I exist to do more than please others. I want to love others, cure the ills in the world through loving, even if its ill perceived, I mean to do good. I want to welcome, create environments where if you are hurt, you feel healed. No judging allowed. Acceptance Only.

I believe I have been this way my whole life, minus the judging, I have gotten rid of that critical attribute in my later adult years, but its because life has taught me its not my job to change anyone, just love them right where they are at.

So, as a consequence of allowing people to freely flow in and out of my life in these past 48 years I have suffered, am suffering,  the consequences of choices I had nothing to do with, but as a bystander, I have and do live through these consequences. And I will confess, I hate it. I hate being a bystander. I hate sadness. I hate the brokenness and the crushing of dreams. I hate unwellness when I am a bystander and I can see how simply caring for two seconds and saying a kind word or acting like you give a shit with a quick message or phone call could make the difference in someone's life. Communicating is something I would do to mend, but that is because I truly believe in building bridges, not walls. 

How can I plow through consequences as a bystander?

Let go of all expectations of people.
Its not about me, its about them, and their choices.
I cannot fix anyone.
I cannot love someone into making good decisions.
My words cannot convince anyone to do "the right thing".
My created loving spaces cannot save anyone.
My food is here to be eaten, but, again, can heal no one.
My open heart will be broken, but I will not stop feeling or loving. I don't have to.
I don't have to change.

And.

Keep loving.
Keep releasing.
Keep praying.
Keep an open mind.  
Keep being available if someone has a need. A ride. A conversation. A meal. Gas money. If I can meet the need, I will. Remembering, no fixing, just loving.
Let go of ALL EXPECTATIONS.   That's the hard part.

Letting go of expectations of others though, does not mean one does not have standards and healthy boundaries for how I allow myself to be treated or talked to. What it means is, I can love, be a bystander, support, encourage, but do not need to participate in or encourage unwell behaviors or conversations.  Tricky fence to straddle....they next thing I am working on mastering.

If you are reading this, know that I love you without expectation.
Experiencing the Blessings amongst the Chaos when I choose to see it. 
Love from the Nest.
Julie.