My Tree Has Arrived. Day 10.......

Carl and Daniel just got home with the Christmas tree so I have limited time to write today. I had grand ideas of getting up early this morning and writing, but, the battery died in the van, the washer machine that was offered to us needed to be picked up (cross your fingers, hoping it works when we hook it up later tonight) and the tree needed to be gotten.

Rustling through the attic for the tree stand I found many other things. We are pack rats. I remember when we moved into this house. I had every single thing organized in sterilite containers, we even thought at one point of making a third floor in that space as it was so empty. As time has gone on, everything we did not want to part with over the past 12 years is in the attic. 12 years of not wanting to part with Memories. The crib all 3 children used, still there. The changing table, the swing, the back pack carrier. School projects galore. Camping gear, Christmas decor, fall decor, classroom teacher stuff.

So, as you can see, not only don't we like to part with stuff that has memories, we like even less parting with live, human beings. We miss people tremendously. We love pictures in this house. We have a slew of memories, thankfully on computers (yes, someday I WILL do that baby book for Daniel who is 6! and the wedding album, and the school albums from age preK through senior year...GOALS!) In our defense, I believe we have framed many pictures too. I saw once on a Nate Burkis show how he did walls with photos. I was like, done it Nate, you should call ME! Oh, and I do bulletin boards too. I've one up-ed you!

Today, I'm missing my girls. Yes, they are still alive! But, I miss them. After Kristen moved out, I cried every day for 6 weeks and could not go into her room. I kept the door closed. I was not prepared for how much I missed her. Kristen is so quiet, she loved being in her room when she was home, or being with Lucas, who was here quite frequently. We pretty much figured our kids were doing their own thing once they entered high school, we let them manage their own time. But her absence was so profound. Her presence in the home was part of our Nest. She added her tone, her personality, her thoughts, her ways of viewing the world. She was ready to go when she left. She was ready to start a new life, a different path, a journey of her own as an adult. All very healthy things. Its what should happen. But I missed her. I still miss her. I'm extremely proud of her. She manages her life well. I try to talk to her once a week. She's very independent. She's extremely thoughtful, noticing everything. She brings a calm to the Nest when we get to see her and her sweet family. I'm proud of how little she needs me. I know that sounds weird, but she's got this. I'm impressed. I don't think I could even boil water at her age, nor did I have an interest to! She's living the full fledged adult life and rocking it!

Elizabeth left the Nest this fall for Boston to go to college. Two things are different. She left the state, and I never know where she is....LOL... Elizabeth, since the time she began walking, provided me daily, hourly, with the question "Where's Elizabeth?" Carl never worried if he couldn't find her. I lost her in Sam's club several times as she hid and watched me panic. Yup...We even were living at a music camp on a lake and I woke up from a nap and she was gone. 1st grader, gone, on a lake, no one knew where she was, in the middle of a concert, she had decided to wander to the beach. Let's just say she's always had an independent streak. She enters a room and YOU KNOW SHE IS THERE. She always has something to talk about, some new agenda, political rant, relationship discussion, evaluation of the day, happy, sad, pissed off, exuberantly joyful, all in the span of 5 minutes. She is a whirlwind! There is NEVER, I repeat, NEVER a dull moment with that girl. You may think, didnt you simply NAP after she was gone? No, I cried too. Carl at one point said, well, I need a room for my tools, I think I'll use Elizabeth's room. Over my dead body. He's like, well, she's gone. I said, we need her room, thats her room. Don't even talk about a tool room to me, you crazy fool. Good lord, you don't use even use tools. He's gonna kill me for this...LOL.  I may get an occasional message for this grand wanderer. She has come home several times over a couple weekends and brought friends, but other than that, she's gone rogue. She does talk to her Dad occasionally. But, we leave our kids to their own devices. Its probably why they do exactly what they want to do, when they want to do it. But, that's how we parent.

We love our girls. Its so quiet and different without them. I miss them deeply. I love them beyond measure. I pray they always know they can come home, we are always here, and yes, we will give you money if you need it.  (smiley face to Dad if he reads this, because he knows its true, just call Mom. Hey, isn't that why I work now????)

I love my kids, and there IS nothing they can ever do to change that.
We support their decisions completely. We love them without condition.
Whatever they choose to do with their lives is up to them. We pray daily for them.

Okay, gotta go...the Tree is Ready for decorating!!!!!

Love to you all
Julie Erb Robbins

Does God Remember and Miss?

I was viewing recently the work of notable artists who depict Jesus, the Last Supper, Jesus with children, the infamous piece of Jesus standing at the door, knocking. There is a look in the eyes that I never really paid attention to before. The look runs through most any artist, so my observation is they picked up on the same emotion.

Even in the depiction of Jesus surrounded by children, there's that Look. And children, as recorded in scripture, were Jesus' favorite people. He was quoted as saying, if you harm one of these, you might as well tie a rock around your neck and throw yourself into the sea. He admonished the disciples for telling the children they were annoying and to go away. Jesus told them to go away and leave the children to come to him.

But, that Look.

There's a verse in church all the boys always wanted to learn, and some girls. It was the shortest verse in the Bible.... "Jesus wept."  When you weep, its not just a few tears, its all out sorrow, sadness, grief. Jesus wept for us. I'm guessing God still weeps. I'm guessing if someone is crying, they are missing someone. Jesus didn't need stuff, but he loved people. He wouldn't be crying over a bad grade, a beat up car, or a lost job. He was weeping for us. He weeps with us, over our sorrows, like a bad grade, a departed friend, a lost significant other, a deceased loved one. He feels our pain, he shares in our missing.

So much so that there is a promise in Psalm 56:8 that says our tears have been collected in bottles, noticed by the Creator, to be redeemed at the proper time. God cares about what we care about, cares about who we care and pray for, believes the good things we believe for people.

This brings me great appreciation for God. When I noticed in these works of art, a care of the soul, in each of these depictions, along with a longing that I sensed was for our good, I was relieved. I know that look. The look of happy when with children, making cookies, teaching, seeing your adult loves, but still longing for a peace to come for others that you love too. I'm relieved that the entity I choose to pray to cares deeply enough to capture my tears, love without condition, forgives me readily, and checks me with a comment from my sister in law, "Where is your heart, Julie. What's your motive. Your motive is good...no worries."

So, be filled with joy, celebrate the moments, miss those that are missing, and pray, and trust, those tears, every single one, will be redeemed. I love those sorts of promises. I love people, almost more that anything, but, so does the One I trust them with. More, much more, than I do.

Today I am having a grand day making cookies, and missing, and listening to music beautiful music, and doing something I love tons...writing. All in one big Moment of Life.

Lets do this!
Day 9....
I love you.
Blessings, Always. from my Nest to Yours.

Julie Erb Robbins

I'm remembering people. Thale Brackett, this one's for you.

There will be swearing as a quote my deceased brother in law. Thayle had a way with the English language that had the power to cut to the chase, put you in your place, and assess a situation with accuracy.

As the holidays approach I am reminded of people who have disappeared, departed, or are deceased. I will write about these such people for a couple of weeks, of and on, just because I think people are worth remembering, and since I just love my family and beyond, I miss them all when they depart, however that event happens.

Thale was always in the picture. He was that high school first love who returned after an absence and a whole lot of shit went down, but in our family, we just welcome everyone, however you show up. And there he was. Its hard to have a first memory of Thale, because I just always knew he was there. He was stoic, a bit quiet, but you knew his mind was always observing, always assessing the environment, always accepting those around him. He was what some might refer to as a "redneck", and as I've aged, I've come to realize these are the guys you want in your corner at the sign of trouble, because they put up with no ones shit, they tell it like it is, and they readily call out an asshole with vigor. Try to get near their family....and do any kind of harm, you best be packing because these boys have friends and they will take you down. In an instant.

Pick your poison. We all have one. Thale was no different. But he had Jenny. Jenny is a scrapper as well, she just hides it behind that sweet voice of hers, but make no mistake, she will often say to me.."You can take the girl out of Milo, Maine, but you can't take Milo, Maine out of the girl...". Jenny always loved Thale. They had some hard times, like everyone else, but she stuck by him. She believed in him when he would appear not to have believed in himself. That quote, "Behind every great man is no one, Beside every great man is a woman, partner in all of life,  a cheerleader." (and vice versa, btw). They found their way back to each other, always. Jenny is very headstrong gal. Thale had a way of communicating with her and for her to bring calm to the storm. Sometimes she fought it, sometimes she didn't. Typical of all us in relationships.

I remember going to their wedding at Thale's sister's house in La Grange. It was family. The girls stood up with their parents. We sat and watched. It was pretty no nonsensical, but that was both Jenny and Thale. Get to the point, do what needs to be done, and lets get on with life. The food was awesome. Of course, I remember food....I love food. I remember events by the food. If the food is horrible, the event sucked. NO JOKE. And I don't care where its held, or whose there. If the food sucks, the event sucks. But, this was meaningful, great chatting afterwards with family, and great food. What more do you really need for a marriage ceremony anyway?

What brought me to think of Thale recently was Jenny was telling me a story and she said, "You really don't want to know what Thale would have to say about that". I'm like, sure I do. She's like, OK, well, he would simply said to me... "That kid needs to get off his mother's tit and grow a pair!"  I laughed and laughed and laughed. She said, in other Thale words,  "Stop being a pansy, baby ass whiner, and be a MAN!"  ohhhh, I said, I miss Thale. He always had a way with the English language, didn't he Jenny? We just had a good laugh, reminiscing about this man, who, may have been seen as a redneck by most, but, he liked it that way. Its refreshing to have a Thale in your life at times. They kinda of have this way of cutting to the chase, not putting up with your "story" and telling you what a load of shit said "story" is, and basically, "Straiten up and fly right, idiot!"

But, underneath all that rough and tumble exterior, was a heart of gold. He loved his girls. So Much. He loved his wife, so much. And she will tell me she realized how much he took care of her after his departure, in ways he never spoke about, he just did it. He Did The Right Thing. Just Did It.

I will miss Thale yet again this year at our annual Robbins Family Christmas party that will take place at Jenny and Dan's house. (And, by the way, I love Dan, and all he's brought to the Nest, his girls included!).
We accept all people in this family, all the time. Its quite amazing as we are all so different, but everyone has a place, and everyone is well loved by this crowd. This is a great bunch of people. I love when we add to this Clan too.

Merry Christmas Thale. I am sure you are giving God a run for his pearly gates and streets of gold up there in the great beyond many call Heaven, but we sure do miss you down here on this crazy earth.

Much Love Always,

Julie Erb Robbins

Just for Fun....And because Thale was Funny.

Day 7 of 100....Traditions I grew up with, Memories.

I need something light hearted to focus on today so I began thinking of Christmas at home with my Mom and Dad. We had several that most families probably have, but there are traditions that I have remembered and loved and some I have replicated with my own family.

My sister and I always made a list of things we wanted for Christmas. I am sure when I have to pack up my Mom's house I will find these lists. My mother loves to keep written memories. The cards, the notes, the scraps of paper with lists of yesteryear are things she loved to look back on and cherishes.

I remember the year the #1 thing on my list was a "Merlin". I was in 5th grade, 10 years old, and I had to have that Merlin. All my friends were getting one and back then in school when we had indoor recess we could play with toys from home. I was so excited for Christmas that year. We always got our #1 thing on our lists, everything else didn't really measure up. I remember looking under the tree for that box. I did not see a box that would fit a Merlin. I got down to my last package, no Merlin. I just sat there. My Mom said something about Merlin being all gone. I got up, crying, and climbed back into bed. Would not come out of bed. I think that tradition disappeared rapidly with a "suggestions" list from then on out. In my adult mind, I think, What a brat. In my kid mind, I get it. As an adult who LOVES to give gifts, and see expressions of joy, or hear "That's perfect!" I would have been crushed.

Mom always made frosted cookies with us. Every single year we would make plain sugar cookies and Mom would make the frosting, then color it with, egads...FOOD DYE>>how am I still alive?? take a joke people. Frosting the cookies with my sister was my favorite part. I loved licking the frosting off the knives, and of course, then frosting the cookie. C'mon, don't lie and say you NEVER! Wendi and I make cookies with our kids and I know the frosting is the favorite part. We incorporated gingerbread houses a couple of years ago when we found out that is what Lucas's family did, so we have pictures of Kristen and Lucas's first gingerbread house. I just make cookies today. I MADE THEM. Daniel said, Mom, you make them, I will frost and eat them. I will share the pictures of how that went on facebook.

We went to church. But back then is was called "Christmas Sunday", which was the Sunday before Christmas. We never went out Christmas Eve or any such thing, just Christmas Sunday. We would have our ham dinner with all the fixins on Christmas Day. We were from "away", my Mom is from Pennsylvania, and my Dad was from Maine, but his family was in western Maine and it was always so snowy to travel in December, so our Christmas day dinner usually consisted of us, perhaps another family. Church was always fun if they had a potluck dinner to go to after the Christmas Sunday service. I LOVED POTLUCK DINNERS. oh my goodness. You want to eat the best food? Eat church lady food. You will not be disappointed. Those Christmas potlucks were amazing. It was fun celebrating with other people, eating all sorts of fun foods, and hanging out with friends after church services. My mouth is watering even now. Seriously, no one cooks better than a room full of church ladies. Its like a contest. The best food cook off on earth. POTLUCK!

Finally, we always had a Christmas tree. My Mom loved to get ornaments for each year, just a couple new ones. When I got married she gave me a box full of these very antique ornaments that had always been on my tree growing up. It was years before Carl and I had an actual tree as we were apartment dwellers for quite a few. Sometimes the tree was real, sometimes it was fake. It really did not matter. My Mom enjoys decorating her house for Christmas. She doesn't do the meals anymore, that's been passed on down to me, but she loves to talk to me about what new thing she has decorated. We always went to Mom's for Christmas until a few years ago we decided it was time to stay home. Mom was disappointed and now I understand all too well why she was. She wasn't ready to give up that tradition, but she comes to our house now. She wants to exchange names this year. I said, Whatever makes you happy Mom, I'm good with it.

We have continued most of these traditions in the Nest. We've added several as "rites of passage" into the clan. I always include my parents in our Christmas day. My sister and her family usually comes over. My daughters, significant others, always included.  Its different this year, but even if its quiet, and subdued, I'll accept it. It may not be a church lady POTLUCK on Christmas, but I will makes sure the food is divinely the best.

#stillhavenotree......#whatsupwiththat?
#BUTTHEHOUSELIGHTSROCK!

Much love to you all, and whatever your traditions are, embrace them with your whole heart, and be open for new ones...
#carlmaygethisfaketreewishyet....

Traditions, Memories, and Such!
I love you.
Merry Christmas from
Julie Erb Robbins

RUUUUUNNNNNN........

When I began to share things on the internet through my blog I forget its public at times. I posted about something very personal about a year ago, maybe less, and wowsa, did I get a response. I noticed people either unfollowed  me, blocked me, or simply decided I surely wasn't worth listening to or reading if my views did not align with theirs. Its risky to share. Its a little scary, actually.
However, I received equally positive responses from others who thought it was brave of me to share with such bold honesty.

What are you afraid of?

Did you know scientifically speaking we are only born with 2 fears and they have to do with self preservation?  One is the fear of loud noises, and the other is fear of falling. That's it. All other fears we have a learned through others. So, whatever your parents were afraid of, or cautioned you against, or picked on you about, or told you, and you have a fear about it? That's learned behavior.

We were not created to fear love. We were made to crave it.
We were created to be touched, held, cuddled, fed, responded to when we cried, paid attention to.
We were not created to fear people. Or hate others. Or have prejudices against anyone.
We were not created to harm another person. We were not created to speak cruel words to or about anyone. What have you been taught? What have you believed? Good and Bad.
Think about that.


We were not created to run away from people who love us. We were created to love. We have the brain capacity to communicate kind and healing words just as quickly as cold, cruel words. Its a choice. How have you been conditioned? Who taught you the way to life is through being mean? Running? or Staying and talking and resolving? Who taught you about Love? How have you been taught to unconditionally love someone?

What am I afraid of? The list is long. I'll give you just a few.
Being alone.
Being left.
Loosing people.
Having people leave.
Saying the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and regretting what I said, wanting to re-say the words again to make it better.
Carl dying. ( I used to dream this all the time when we were first married)
Heights.
Scary movies.
Water skiing.
Being in a boat in deep water. or a canoe, or any apparatus in deep water.
This is the short list.

All my fears have come true, except for Carl expiring, oh and water skiing, not doing that, ever.
The people fears have been the worst. I am a very open person. I look at every single one of you as another opportunity for love. I saw the crossing guard this morning without a coat. He was a younger guy, about Carl's size. Carl has two coats. I was going to ask Carl tonight if I can give that older coat to the crossing guard because I don't want him to be out there getting cold. I will just put that coat in the van, and if he's there again, I'll give it to him. He's very pleasant, always smiling, he's got some charisma. I like him. I love him. He's here. That's me. I see a need for love, I want to meet the need. Even if I'm scared. I don't think I need to be afraid of the crossing guard, but I've let my guard down with those who have broken my heart. Made my fears come true. Made me sad to my core. All I did was love, and what do you know, they abandoned me. After I trusted, after I relied, after I gave, after I loved without condition. Gone.

I became conditioned to fear people.
And it changed me. For a while.

How does one break a fear?
Do the very thing you fear...all over again. And I did, I have.

So what do I do now about these fears? I just recently started reading "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp. Ann encourages you to continue to love out of your brokenness. Be a blessing in the midst of your mess. Your  loving brokenness will pour out onto someone else's brokenness as you love them, and you will both heal in the process. I'm trying this. I'm doing this. In the midst of my waiting, I'm doing. I'm being. I'm still loving others, forgiving others, moving forward, ready to bless. Ready with a kind word, a hug, a love note.

The way to stop running? STOP RUNNING. The way to stop hiding? STOP HIDING.
The way to feel loved? LOVE. The way to forgive someone? FORGIVE. (maybe with a note? Let them know, I love you, I forgive you. ) I don't know how it will look on you, but I know how it looks on me. As a parent you may have to mentally forgive your child every single day because your frustration level reaches unkind levels. You may have to apologize to your child. You may have lots of people to apologize to. You may have people who will understand your brokenness, and through understanding, you both heal.

The video at the beginning is funny. I love Johnny Depp. Captain Jack Sparrow is probably one of my favorite characters. But running isn't the answer. Fearing isn't the answer. Been there, done both.

To all of us who decided to STOP RUNNING! Big hugs.
To those of you still running...BIGGER HUGS.
I love you.
Come run right into this Nest and let me feed you, listen to you, love on you. We all need that!

Much Love Always,

Julie Erb Robbins

What are you preparing for? Day 5 of 100

Today I was preparing for work. I work with kindergarten students teaching them how to read, write, process words into thoughts which they can express verbally in a clear, understandable fashion. I teach literacy skills. Kindergarten is my all time favorite age group. They are so receptive, they love their teacher, they are happy, cry, sad, excited, exuberant, all in 5 minutes and the beauty of that is I totally get that. That is me. I am 5, only with 44 years as an add on.

When I prepare for work now, I have other people that are included. One of those people  is Daniel, my son. He needed a bath because he had been sick over the weekend and not taken one. However, he did not want to take one. But, he did, because I said so. He was not happy. We went through some angst, but it happened. Then it was my showering turn, getting him to put on his clothes, after many underwear choices that he informed me he did not like, his, not mine, Daniel did not like the jeans, too scratchy. We proceeded downstairs to realize it was 8:25 a.m. we need to leave no later than 8:35 a.m. and Daniel still needed to eat breakfast, brush his teeth, pack a snack...oh my.

Should I be a little more organized because I only have one little person in the house? Probably. But I wasn't.

I went out to the van, DANIEL! C'MON BUDDY!!!!  but, I need this specific Pokemon card I am going to trade with Kin!  8:42 a.m. Oh My Goodness. Ok, run upstairs, I'm going out to the van to get it started.

I get in the van, realize the windshield is full of frost. Ok, folks, I do swear. And Daniel was in the house. Oh shit, shit, shitery. Frost, late, Pokemon, snacks, TGFhotlunch, I did get makeup on and my outfit was cute, but, shesh, FROST??? The best is yet to come. My battery is dead. Won't turn over. My neighbors have all gone to work, my husband is at school and teaching class, I called my daughter, Lucas was gone to class. Then I thought of
Helen.
She was my angel today.
She came very pleasantly and quickly and introduced me to this battery pack that does not need to be hooked up to any car, it just charges your battery. You buy it at Walmart. I'm going to Walmart. I don't know what its called but I know what it looks like. I want one.

Back to "preparing". Honestly. I was not preparing for work, I was going to work. My lessons were already planned for the week, awaiting me at school in my folders I keep for each class. I had gotten the new reading materials on the previous Friday. I knew what sight words we were working on. I knew the writing materials we would be working on. The school prep was ready and waiting for me.

My point. Sometimes we think we are preparing for one thing, but we are preparing for another. But we are calling it the wrong thing. I was thinking that my morning was all about going to work, but work was already taken care of. So, what was I doing? I'll tell you what I was doing....I was "preparing" to be frazzled, and I was doing a damn good job of it. Did I want to be frazzled? Do I want to be frazzled? I would give you an emphatic "NO", but what did my morning consist of? Frazzle Making.

If I am preparing for rain, as Galatians 4:22-24 says, I need to get the field ready.
If I'm preparing for a guest, as Philemon 1:22 says, as Paul hoped, to be restored, all the while in prison, but he was BELIEVING he would be Philemon's guest. He was preparing to be a guest.

If I am preparing for a day that is going to work, I don't sabotage the morning by loosing track of time. I pay attention to the time, and so on.

Sabotage: verb. deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something), especially for political or military advantage. synonyms. vandalize, wreck, damage, destroy, cripple, impair.  Obstruct, disrupt, spoil, ruin, undermine, threaten, subvert.

I found 13 antonyms to sabotage. I'll share a few.
fix, help, aid, endorse, assistance, stabilize, accommodate.

How can I prepare for getting ready in the morning to leave the house? Focus on the right focus.
Label the ways I've sabotaged my morning.
Fix, stabilize, accommodate to ensure mostly success, ie: making it to work and school in a timely fashion.
Repeat and regroup when necessary.

Please notice, there are no excuses. I did not call a friend to empathize. I am not blaming anyone for my morning. I haven't gotten sympathy. I did not bad mouth my son, or my husband, or my neighbors, or even, the fan favorite in every house...THE DOG.  I didn't get people to gang up against my van, say how much it sucked, and give it a punch.

I want solutions in this life, folks. I got a great life lesson today.
Being purposeful required choosing to find a solution. Avoiding my morning by not getting out of bed tomorrow will not fix tomorrow. Tomorrow will be there. My son who needs bathing will be there. My job will be there. My husband and his early departures will be there. Avoiding tomorrow would be preparing for frazzled again. Do I want that? No.

What are you preparing for?

Much love from the Nest!

Julie Erb Robbins
 

Day 4 of 1Hundred. What am I thinking?

I was lamenting to Carl this morning that it simply does not FEEL like Christmas to me. We did not get to go to the parade yesterday because Daniel came down with a fever and cold and fell asleep. We don't have our tree. We have always made a big deal about getting the tree at Piper Mountain and last year we made a big deal about our Christmas card picture, cutting down the tree there as our "initiation" into a tradition with some people we love dearly. I said this morning, You know how when your kids hit that age where you THINK you want them gone, and they do need to be GONE, as they reach that desperate need for independence, but...then THEY ARE GONE.

GONE.

And you have to start celebrating life without them, without their spouses or significant others. GONE. And you start to feel almost like they are doing you a favor to hang out with you, or you beg them to stay longer, or come over for dinner, and well, they have their own lives. Their lives are now in full throttle without you, their parents. You know those people? That gave you life and would still die for you? Those people.

My wonderful husband says to me. Well, we can focus on Daniel, and I quickly said, I love you too. And I like you too, Carl, its just sooooooo...QUIET. I miss the daily activity. I miss people around my table, talking about their stressful days, or jerks at school, or the next debate meet, or the next Saturday cross country meet, or track meet at UMaine field house. Or Prom. Or hosting big ass parties for kids I simple absolutely miss and adore. And he said, well. It may seem as if no one misses us, or this, or you. But, think of it from their perspective. They do have feelings about lots of things we don't know. We conjecture every time we guess what they are feeling or thinking. They are doing their lives. They are facing stresses we know nothing about and simply don't have time to worry about us, or even what we are thinking or missing. Its because we have slowed down, we are missing. They are all busy, trying to figure life out. We are on the other end, so to speak. And I love you, Julie. Don't be hard on yourself if its different. Just do what you can....and I may say, if I might, Can we get an artificial tree now?  (He's always trying to slide that one in, looking for a weak moment...)

Now, just so you don't think I'm totally bah humbug, I will tell you that I did get out my Nativity set and put it up in my diningroom. And I do have some lights still hung up from Elizabeth's 19th birthday party. Life just feels very subdued. Slow. Melancholy. Dragging. I know, what a downer today. Last time I'm reading this blog...shesh....

This is life, though. There are times its full to brim of magic, high times, parties, accolades, and then its 3a.m. and you are wondering...What the hell just happened? I move between WTH? and Joy quite frequently. I can't be the only one. And it would seem the holidays, however filled with "blessings" seem to also highlight the missing as you remember and compare one Christmas to the next or the last Christmas or the last whatever holiday you celebrated with your peeps.

So, I'm home today. Daniel is still sickly. The dog is still whining at me incessantly to go out and bark at every single person and annoy every single person. I'm in need of a bit of Holiday Cheer. I will go into the attic, get down some more decorations and decorate. I will continue to play the Christmas music station. I will read my newest favorite book "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp, as she speaks to my soul. And I will do my absolute best to chase away this......this longing of missing. Fighting the redefinition of this missing of people.

I will leave you all who are reading with this. Because, I do know, I am truly Blessed, even if I'm in a different stage of life.

Loving from a Distance.
Happy Holidays.
I may eat cookies all day today, if I make any.
Missing You All.

Julie Erb Robbins