When I was a young girl and had a boyfriend, I never gave much thought to my future. I was in many relationships because I loved boys. I found them easier to be around than females, however I did have female friends. I loved the way the boys made me laugh, I loved how they joined in with my happiness. I never compared myself to a boy, like, oh his thighs are smaller than mine, I wish I had his butt, I love his makeup, why am I so fat and why don't I look like him. Being with a boy was easier. I never compared myself to a boy. I was always comparing myself to my female friends. (In my perception) I was always fatter, taller, chunkier, less beautiful than all my friends. But, boys never made me feel this way. They all made me feel beautiful. I had one boyfriend in particular that I remember calling me "Gorgeous". He never called me Julie, it was always Gorgeous. For a long time I hated that word, gorgeous. We broke up, of course, and well, I just didn't like the word anymore. I always found boys more fun, more exciting, more daring. I probably made my more daring choices with boys. They did not worry as much as girls. They were never thinking, hey, I wonder what my Mother would say right now. They didn't care. They were having fun. All in good fun, until the eventual break up would happen, the sobbing (on my part, of course), the hating to be alone, and then finding another one to fill in the place. I hated being alone. Hated it. I found life much less exciting when alone. Hey, I am in confessional mode now, I can't believe I am the only girl who ever felt this way, but, if I am, oh well.
And then along comes my daughter with a boyfriend.
Now, they say, or I've been told, stuff will come up when your kids go through situations that have been unfinished business for you. What I am talking about is that, even though I can tell you all the fun I had with these boys, there was still lots of stuff that I had forgotten about, until.
Until my daughter got a boyfriend. Procured a boyfriend. Met a boyfriend. Whatever you want to call it. It has happened. And I am surprised by how much stuff I never dealt with.
I will ask Kristen questions and she will just look at me quizzically. Like, Mom,what are you talking about??? You're weird. I am weird because I have stuff, stuff that is coming up as a result of my "fun" boyfriends.
Now, not all of them were jerks. And actually, the ones I still see around and about have turned into fine men and fathers. I call many of them friends, still. And I am happy for them and their wives, life is good for most of us.
The weird part is my own insecurities I had buried until my daughter had this boyfriend, whom we will call Ryan, since that is his name.
Ryan and Kristen don't see each other every single day. Ryan goes to school and works. He is a very responsible kid. Kristen goes to school, goes to practice every day after school, and has homework. They text and see each other several times a week, usually here for dinner and a movie. I will ask her questions like, how is Ryan today. Good. What do you mean, good? What does good mean? Good, Mom. Did his day go alright, I guess. What do you mean, you guess? Mom, I don't need to know every detail of his day. Its good. Did you talk to him last night? No, he was with his friends having a sleepover. Why didn't you talk to him? Mom, why did I need to? He's busy.
And then my insecurities begin to surface. And I have noticed it, right away.
If someone didn't talk to me, I didn't think they liked me anymore.
If someone, a boy, didn't call me right away, it meant he was going to break up with me.
I fully expected to be ignored after a date if I saw the boy in public, because, that is what usually happened.
Oh, yeah, all that dating, REAL FUN.
I forgot about all those FUN parts, until my daughter got a boyfriend.
I have to try so hard not to project my rejection on my daughter.
Fortunately, she has made the decision, she only wants one boyfriend. She and Ryan were friends for a year, decided to hang out and see if they liked each other beyond friends, and also decided they weren't just trying each other out, that they wanted something that would last. A future.
I know what you are thinking, they are too young for this, but I say KUDOS for such responsible thinking.
Why do we have to try so many out to find "THE ONE"?
Carl was saying to me the other day, I wish I had met you when I was 18. Too much happened between 18 and 21. Too bad you weren't there first. I feel the same way, looking at it from an almost 44 year old perspective. Too Bad.
But, thankfully for BOTH of us, that is where the redemptive nature of our Creator comes in. Lots of mercy and grace, of which I am thankful for.
But, what about this boyfriend thing. Sigh. We continue to dodge the bullets, encourage, teach, offer our presence, live out our marriage before them, praying, that some day, when they make the final decision, they make beautiful choices.
And, for now, Mom has been working on her stuff. I am learning to forgive myself for my lack of perfection.haha. I am learning to be a secure woman, on my own, and as a wife and mom. I am no longer afraid of my boyfriend/husband leaving me. (Yes, that was a fear of mine for a very very very long time, and it had nothing to do with Carl). We all have stuff, if we are honest. My stuff is part of who I am, but it is not all of who I am. I am who I am because each day I can forgive myself, love myself, and see myself as God sees me, how He defines me in His loving ways.
So,
I say, pray for your kids. Love your kids. Allow your kids to become independent, they are going to grow up whether you want them to or not, and don't make your stuff something your kids have to re-live.
Deal with Your Stuff,
Love You!
Julie
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