I am still an Approval Seeker.

I am one of these women who hoped with age my need for others approval would have diminished.
I thought, I do what I want, I hold the convictions I hold because I believe they are true, I make choices based on experience, what has worked for me and what hasn't.

I felt at age 44 I am quite an evolved person.

Sigh.

Why is it I need constant humbling and reminding that oh yes, I still have this need to master.

I went to my yearly physical. I woke up dreading it. Not for the usual reasons you may think women don't like their yearly physical, like the intrusive nature of the physical, for instance. I woke up dreading it because I did not want to get on the scale. That weight. That horrible reminder to myself, in a number, that I am not what I used to be. That I can barely maintain what I am. That I am "loosing the battle".

That Number.

I was hoping that from Bangor to Brewer I might loose 25 pounds somewhere. Nope, didn't happen.

So, as I sit there and the doctor comes in, we begin what I call "the warm chatter" before we get really friendly. And she asks me, Is there anything You want to talk about?

I sigh. I hate the fact I am so shallow.

I really hate that number on the scale. I really do. I am exercising. I told her all about my 3 mile running. I tell her I don't eat snacks, I dont eat after 6 p.m. I don't. And still...I am loosing this battle.

She asks me, is the baby sleeping all night?
Sheepishly I say no. He still wakes up. I go into this long explaination about how we did not want to do the Ferber method again, we hate to let him cry, we are just too sensative. I simply go to him, nurse him, he never wakes up, I know, bad mommy. She says when I am done my dialogue, Julie, I am in no way asking this question to judge you. I just want you to know that interupted sleep disturbs your oxy-something levels,(all I remember of the name) which would acct. for your lack of weight loss. OHHHH, I said. Its perfectly fine what you are doing.

You are nursing? Yes, I know, I am a hippie Mom. I have thought about weaning him, and have let nature take its course, sometimes he does, sometimes he goes all day. But he loves it, and I love it, and I love nursing an older baby. He will say, Mamma, dee, dee chair. He calls it "Dee", or "Dee, dinosaur bed, and he is so cute about it, and I love how I can actual tell how much he loves it. That sounds absolutely sweet, Julie, and I would not say no to him either. Again, I am not asking to make a judgement against you.

Are you getting the picture? Dr. Eyere sure was. And so did I. I was assuming she was passing judgement AGAINST what I was doing. I felt the need to explain myself, and I rambled on and on and on. And finally she said,
Julie. Now is Not The Time to be worrying about your weight. Absolutely Not The Time.
Now Is Not The Time.
Now
Is
Not
The
Time.
Not the time to worry? About? Anything I had just talked about. I was free.

Just Enjoy The Time.

I almost burst into tears right then and there. If I had known her any better, I would have. She had struck a nerve. A very raw one, several, actually.

Here I was trying to convince a doctor of my choices. Like I needed to win her over to my team or something. Team Get Up at Night, or Team Breastfeeding Older Children. Why did I want to win her over? I will tell you why. My own need for approval. If a doctor thought it was okay, it must be okay. Was it not enough that I was okay with it? Apparently not that day, or any other day, for that matter.

I also realized, as long as I want others approval, I will never be complete with my own choices.

I will never experience true peace if I am always looking to others to make me peaceful.

I drove away from that appointment wanting to cry more.

What had I been doing??? In my quest for approval. Doing things that didn't need to be done. Going places I didn't need to go. Being with people I don't need to be with? Saying things I don't need to say?

Perhaps all of that is true.

Perhaps I needed yesterday to remind me once again that it is okay to be wrong in everyone else's eyes, if I am at peace in my own.

My Own Mother Eyes that God gave specifically to me.

Much Love to all the Ladies in my Life Who Know and Do Enjoy The Time.

XO, Julie