I almost did not go to church this morning. I went out to the car, doors frozen, and I came back into the house. I was running late anyway. I was going by myself to this service, and I thought, whats the point anyway? Really, what is the point??? Forgive me for the sorry for myself nature of this post, but, well, here is the truth of the moment. I have been having my doubts as to how much control God really has over my life. Does He really care at all? I even said to my Bible study group a week or so ago, I am tired of recording "flower petal" type blessings in my journal. If you read the book 1000 gifts, you get my sarcasm. (and by the way, I loved the book and still keep my journal). I want to see God moving. For instance, when I pray about something, I actually want to see change. Not just noticing snowflakes in nature, or light shining through a window. I want earth shattering noticeable changes. I want to know God is really out there in the universe giving a crap about my day, my life, my struggles, my kids and their heartbreaks, the fact that I have a $1000 oil bill and ABSOLUTELY no way to pay for it with cash. Does He, the Creator of The Snowflakes and the Flower petals Care at all??? Some days, I am not sure. There, I said it, I am not sure.
I also confessed to my Monday night group that the past 2 and 1/2 years has been some of the most difficult times in our existence as a family. We have struggled financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. All the while, I am trying to find "the Good". "The Good" of the struggle. I am not convinced about the "good of a struggle" at the moment. I am reduced to tears in a moment. I am tired of the struggles I see that have come to my daughter. I can barely stand it some days, and yet, am not suppose to talk about it, tell anyone about it, forget it is all going on. In June, another struggle, Elizabeth big back surgery. I am trying NOT to think about this, as E is not the best patient, and, oh, I will just stop here.
There have been moments of caring from others, for which I am grateful. Sweet Teresa Howe and her meals, always on time. Sweet Valerie McDougal, with her famous turkey pot pies. My girlfriends, and other family, and their knowing how crappy it really has been for us at times.
Someone recently asked me "How are you doing Julie", they really did not have time for my answer, as they were running somewhere. I said, "I am completely exhausted." The person actually stopped, "Really, whys that?? Maybe you can rest and watch the football game tonight." WEll, no, we don't have a television that has cable, or one we can just watch regular shows on, but some day, I am hoping we will." But, if watching a football game could cure me right now, I would watch 50 of them in a row and not move.
As I entered the service today, I thought, I hope no one talks to me. I will just cry and I do not want to talk about it, and quite frankly, no one ever has the time to talk. That is one thing that perpetually bothers me. No one has time. In & out, getting kids, 5 seconds here, 10 seconds there, no time to talk. I sit in a row, and I am by myself. The first song has already started, phew, I even missed the hand shaking time, which is awkward anyway, and I know the words. But, by the third song, its getting to me. That presence that I don't know what to think about right now because I am sad, is getting to me. Those words we are singing, begin to sooth my sad spirit. There's a new song that says something about how Your Love Never Fails, that there might be crying in the night (and the morning, and the noon time) but Joy will come. This is soothing my spirit.
And then faces begin to appear as my eyes are closed in worship. Faces of teenagers that I feel led to pray for. And then the realization hits me, that in the midst of my sadness and doubt, I still have Jesus. He is still here. And these other kids and parents and friends, they have NO IDEA about the completeness of Jesus. I can cry and weep and be sad, but still have somewhere to go each week, and be soothed.
And of course, the sermon was on GRATITUDE. oh, of course it was. and PRAISE, of course.
Okay God, I am glad you love me no matter what.
I am glad that you see my doubt and still get me through a snowstorm to be soothed.
I know prayer isn't like a laundry list of things I tell you to do, but PLEASE, you know the areas I am BEGGING you for, and I need to see.....something, something tangible.
I do want truth, Your Truth. Help me to see it.
In my foibles to walk this walk, and talk this talk of God in all things, I need the belief to go with it. I need the assurance I am not nuts, that belief matters, that this time and space will be a memory that I can see good coming from.
I guess, as I can readily and easily extend the hand of Grace and Mercy to others, I need to do it to myself.
Thank you for reading, and yes, you can pray if you feel led.
With Faith the size of a Mustard seed,( thats all I need right?)
Love to you all, Julie
1 comment:
You are not alone Julie. A lot of times we feel so alone and isolated and that other people are doing way better than us. My family has gone through cancer, death, financial issues, and just being way too busy this past year. However, I know that if we focus, even revel on God's serene spirit, we can be comforted. Life is crappy sometimes. But we are guaranteed by being followers of Christ that it will be splendid in the end. I will be praying for you guys. :)
Jesus,
In your name, your precious, perfect name, I pray that you would continue to put a peace in the Robbins family and that you would continue to give Julie these hugs of love and comfort. I ask that you would guide them as they are going through these difficult times. Thank you for the positive influence Julie has in my life and thank you for her family. In YOUR name, Father, Amen.
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