This Camel Had Her Final Straw

We all have that Moment. We carry on enjoying life for the most part, finding the good in every day life, noticing the miracles all around us in our children, husband, or friends.  But we all have stuff. What I mean by "stuff" is those things we don't share with others. Those situations or relationships that we just hope we can pray them away, or hope things will turn out better. We may have illness of a loved one we are plowing through, and unexpected debt has settled on us, or kids who are just requiring more prayers that we can say on any given day. Its "stuff". And for me, I share my "stuff" with only a chosen few. I have loads of friends, but they don't all want or need to hear my "stuff". I prefer to stuff my stuff, hoping for a brighter day, because I do have so much good to focus on.

The Moment Came.

I was heading out the door with two arm fulls of Bible studies I was bringing to my sister-in-laws house as she wanted to look through what I had studied to help in making a decision about what she might like to study next. My daughter Kristen was waiting to be brought to the grocery store to get much needed M&M's to aide her in the evenings studies and a simple calculator that she assured me could be bought at a grocery store "for a dollar or so" as it was so basic it could not cost more than that. Kristen was in the car waiting, I was bringing out loads of Bible studies, arms beyond full, I put my cell phone in my pocket, could feel the key in the same pocket. phew, there it was. Finally got into the drivers side and pulled out the cell phone, only to find no key. WHAT? Where the heck is that thing??? I ran inside, I was running out of time if I was going to be in Old Town by 6:30 p.m., get this kid to the grocery store and back then leave. I made a quick sweep of the kitchen. No Way. No key.

I go into the back room where Scooby Doo is blaring.  Anyone seen the key or picked it up?  Nope. Carl gives me this look, you did not loose the key did you???  I give him the teenager eyeroll. I mean, really. I did not loose it, I know I had it. Come on, give me a break. I quickly looked over all the surfaces in the house where it might be. There are not that  many places I had gone. I had come home from the eye docs, went into the kitchen, noticed it was a mess, cleaned it up, loaded the dishwasher, started making dinner. I did not go far. 

At one point in the evening as I knew I was going nowhere I went outside on my hands and knees looking for the key under the van. I said, For real God, if we dont fiind these keys, I am done with You.

Yup, I said that to God about loosing those keys.

oh boy.

My faith is usually not that shallow, but it has been tested to say the least in the past year.

The Key was the Straw for this Camel's Back.

It was.

I continued to look until I went to bed. I went to bed with this key weighing on me.  I would like to say it was the only thing weighing on me, but apparently not if I was willing to Curse God and Die over the key. 

I would love to say I was this evolved Christian who never worried. Who went to bed each and every night and enjoyed 8 hours of blissful restful sleep. Never happens. Let me tell you that I know all the right things to do. I do. And, for the most part I practice them. But, let me tell you, until you experience true heartbreak over hearts broken, there in nothing but time that heals the wounds and it seems as if I have entered a season where my heart gets broken and needs time to heal. I am not a quick healer.

I woke up at 4 a.m. with a broken heart. I was heavy in spirit and I knew it. And to top it off, the key was still lost. I tried to sleep, but soon after 5 a.m. I was greeted with Mom, I need cereal, lets go eat cereal. I am sooooooo tired, but I get up, make coffee, start my day.

I  have my feet in 2 worlds. The world of my 3 year old, who is physically demanding, and the world of two teenage daughters that is emotionally demanding. There are moments when all I can do is sit and drink my coffee, take a deep breath, and  pray. that simply has to be enough. 

Except on my broken back days.

I quickly realized this morning I need more. I sat at the table and cried to my husband. I did not know anyone was listening,I thought we were the only ones up, that and the Scooby Doo addict who was occupied with....Scooby Doo.  But apparently not. I got my coffee, went up to my bedroom, laid on the bed, and cried some more. Carl got ready for work, as did the girls. I stayed in my room. 

One of my daughters entered the bedroom as I began to get off the bed. She put her arms out to me to give me a hug. She hugged me and did not pull away. She began to cry. I am sooo sorry Mom. I am so sorry. We cried together. No daughter, I am sorry. I am sorry for sooo many things I simply can't talk about right now, but I will accept this hug. It was a healing moment. I don't forget these.

I began tearing the kitchen apart, cupboards, baskets at the door, radiators, anything to find this key.

Mom called. Mom, I simply can't take it. Its too much. Life is just too much. I can't do this. Everything, nothing, I cant. Well, you can't do everything, but God can give you strength to do what you can. She prayed with me on the phone. I cried some more. Now, I fully expect to hear you have found this key. By 2:30p.m. Mom doesn't mess around.

I went outside One More Time. I felt like I had been outside 100 times looking in my small driveway, under the vehicles, I even lifted the covering on the motorcycle. I glances at the grass and saw something shining. I bent down and pulled a fork out of the grass covered in sand. Then I thought, what if this key is hiding?  Where would it hide? I bent down again, looking around my steps. I have 2 flower pots near my door way. One is placed on the first step going up the stairs. I look at that pot of dirt and white flowers. I see something silver in the pot. I look closer, and what do you know, I see my black van key. Can you believe that?

It was around 1:30.

How do like that Mom? God was early. Amazing.

Fortunately, God did not take me up on my offer. 

He sees my imperfect life and loves me anyway.

Knowing I will have more back breaking moments, but knowing I won't go it alone.

Blessed in this Imperfect but Beautiful Nest.

Love, Julie