Completely Transparent

I recently had some very dear friends in my home that I refer to as family.

I spent numerous late night hours conversing with these lovelies and I came to several conclusions.

The ability to share my heart and soul with someone, even when contrary to my former beliefs, or when I am questioning my current beliefs, or am truly seeking a wise word, and not fearing judgement, whether it be in a look, a voiced view, or a gesture, is something I so long for.

 I crave it.

I also realized while this family was here how often I sensor myself.

I could make a list of all the things I sensor, but who needs to know all that.

I know that may sound really strange to some of you who have been in my home or who have known me for years, but I do. I sensor what I say based on the reaction I perceive I may receive. This is the plight of most people pleasers. I recently told my Wednesday night ladies group how unfaithful I find myself at times. I also recently listened to a sermon and walked away and said, nope, I simply can't do that. I don't have it in me anymore, so be it.

I have recently been doing a study on the Beatitudes and when it came to the discussion on Mercy, I realized that I was a very merciful person. That my reaction to ones life choices of any kind is mercy, whether or not I have previously believed in that choice or not. Its irrelevant to me, I will be merciful, understanding, offer encouragement, because I know what it feels like to be on the other side of mercy. I read the whole area of scripture and it says those who are merciful will receive mercy. Good thing, because I am beginning to believe I am going to need a whole lot of it.

I have often jokingly said, If people really knew what I was thinking I would have very few friends.

Can I tell you that on any given day I change my mind?

I would not technically call myself someone who is tossed by the waves, to and fro, but if I do not find something that I once believed as "truth" to be working, or I see no evidence of its "truth", its getting tossed.

I am down to bare bones at this point.

I think I am even scaring my husband.

I wonder a lot about what "truth" really is.

I was able to bear my soul to my lovely friends in my home, and it felt so good. And I even found out how my dear lovey dealt with something, and we both looked at each other and could SO RELATE.

It was like aloe on a burn. Refreshing. Soothing. Cooling, not abrasive. AHHHHHHH.

So I must say thank you publically to Terry Shipps and Leah Weiland for sharing their hearts with me. For listening to my heart without judgement. For lovingly giving advice in the wee hours of 1 a.m. and 2a.m.  For being supportive. For being loving.  I love you ladies more than you will probably ever know.  I miss our times of church and Bible study together, where Carl and I were so ministered to and healed in your home.  So Miss It. Nothing like a home church. Nothing.

I miss all my friends who have moved out of the state.

I would also encourage everyone to find a person to bare your soul to. To be raw with. To be 100% truthful with.

And I am so glad for the ones who are here who listen to me on a dime. I have the best therapists of all time.

I love you all.

Simply Overwhelmed by the right things today.

Julie