TBH........

Decision day is approaching. Decisions about the future. The process as a bystander in this college quagmire has been disappointing, and that's being generous. My heart has broken more times than I want to admit over the past 6 months and its not over--sending a child away is not easy. I've already done this once. Part of me has already begun the grieving process. It doesn't really matter to me where I send my nestlings, it hurts to see them go.

Making decisions that affect your future are never easy. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Especially when you truly love people. Especially when you have dreams that you believe are good and right dreams but did not turn out exactly the way you thought and then someone says to you...

"God has a plan".

Really?

Well, God, I'm not so sure about this. Not At All. Because everything has been done on this end for a long time. Obviously we are failing sinners daily, meaning, mistakes and sometimes not always the wisest choices are made, but every single day we are doing are absolutely best.  I'm just wondering how you are going to show up and...
~pay for this one
~fix this test
~honor this commitment
~heal this heart, soul, gut, back, leg, foot~~~ you get the picture.

When you watch someone you love suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally or both, and you can do nothing? Of course I've prayed, that's a given.

You begin to really wonder... God, do you give a shit?
Really?
And, yes, I've said that to God. And yes, even dropped the F bomb for the very first time in my life with God.  Because
I've entered into a season in my spiritual journey where:
1. I'm raw
2. I've lost faith at times
3. I question

Very Very huge admittance for this rule following legalist.

And God knows it. And if hes God, the spirit will have to handle it.

Right God?

I've discovered its absolutely amazing what we can be going through internally and still...
~go back to work
~host parties, and I mean good ones.
~host holiday full family meals in all the regal-ness that entails.
~travel to Boston, DC, NY, FL, CT (Yale), Boston..again (Harvard)  just to name a few places in amongst the summer travels to the beach, ocean, family, work, daily errands that bore us all to tears.
~have a 5 year old who started kindergarten, going through those emotions of letting go and doing this thing called 13 grades all over again
~becoming a grand parent
~lets not forget, planning a wedding, bridal shower, grad party, & prom celebration in oh, about 4 short months not too long ago, accepting my first born being gone for good.
~babysitting
~cooking, cleaning, buying all presents for all holidays for 7 people, wrapping all said presents, (ok, did not realize until this Christmas what a feat that actually is!!!.....oh, and stocking stuffers, making 2 new stockings for the newest additions).
These are only a couple of things I've been up to.....

No wonder I feel as if some days I'm off kilter.

And the days when people are not happy, because there is never a day when all goes smoothly. If there has been, I've written about it in either my journal or shared it on facebook.

Is it any wonder in the midst of all this I spend time simply begging God for some presence? Some truth? Some understanding? Some wisdom? Some Grace? God please show up?
I can't tell you how many times I've prayed that in the past 6 months. And a scant few times I've felt like I was heard, but mostly I've been disappointed with the outcomes of my prayers.

I'm just being honest God.
So, where does this leave me?

I can't give up my faith. It's too much a part of my being. I've lived with God far too long to give up completely.
So I call it a "journey". A polite way of saying-this sucks right now.
Its like 2 a.m. in the van on the way to Florida and I'm thinking... WTH....why are we doing this? But when we arrive in Florida at the timeshare, it's like---AHHHHHHH----GLORIOUS!!!The condo, the pool, the weather, the people, GLORIOUS.

I'm waiting for the AHHHHHH GLORIOUS!
With God, at the end of this 2a.m. ride called life right now.

I'm holding out for the glorious destiny.

I've grown faint, but I'm not giving up the race.

I'm trusting for that exceeding abundance that will be more than I hoped for or dreamed of, for me, for my husband, for ALL my kids, but especially currently for my dear dear daughter,
Elizabeth Grace.

But its 2a.m.--and I'm trapped in the van, knowing the end is in sight, but disliking this leg of the "journey".

My prayer today is as always for myself, my husband, and the children:
Protect Us
Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Intellectually. Keep us from harm. Keep us safe. And please show up in tangible ways that there is no mistake its you working for our good.

Amen&Amen.
Much love from my open heart to yours.
Julie