My Switch has been Flipped....post 109

I was told recently by another educator who has retired that she was so glad to have found me. Someone was talking about my writings and Cindy decided to check me out. She told me that she loved my 100 day challenge, but was disappointed that I had not written as much since then. I left the establishment I was buying pizza from feeling elated. She's a former literacy educator, so I truly appreciated her opinion. She said "I love the genuine nature in which you write. You are real. It's so refreshing. Keep it up!!!"

I am never at a loss for words. My emotions run deep. I care. I believe. I hope.

I've been walking through a season of despair for about 10 months. In this time I have cried every single day. I have been bombarded with words, actions, behaviors, situations, and utter dishonor and disregard for people I love so deeply. My heart has shattered 1000 times. When harm befalls the ones you love there is simply no way to deal except to walk through the darkness with them. In the process, I lost and forgot who I was, who I am.

On May 1st I was reminded of who I am. It was a simply thing. It started with a wake, ended with a funeral, and then I found myself by the river.

Sometimes we need to wake up.
Sometimes we need to live.
Sometimes we need to spend time by a river.

Sometimes being awoken to truth can be cleansing.
Sometimes death of expectations we have created needs to happen.
Sometimes bathing our souls in laughter is healing in ways we simply cannot begin to explain.

As I sat in my special spot at the edge of the Kenduskeag River a knowing crept in me and filled me to my very core and spoke to who I really am. I listened to this song at church the day before.

I was in a space of overwhelm. Not any more.

I have played this song over and over and over. 

That day, as I sat as river's edge, a switch was flipped in me. I had gone to that river hundreds of times alone to pray, to beg, to plead. To ask for protection for my kids. To believe. But that day was different. It was. Because I drove away feeling free. Absolutely Free. A happiness filled my soul. 

I was simply reminded of who I was, who I am.

I am happy.

I am joy filled.

I laugh easily.

I smile all the time.

I love deeply.

I am full of grace for everyone.

I give mercy. 

I am open.

I am tenderhearted.

I forgive.

I bless.

That is who I am.

I am purposeful about my peace now. I speak to those who bring me joy. I laugh every single day. I pray for those who come to my heart and mind each and every day. I have returned daily to my spot on the Kenduskeag since May 1st. I bought a ring to honor my internal change. I call it my Happy Ring. One of my students heard me say something about it briefly. He now says, Mrs. Robbins, you are wearing your happy ring that means you are happy. Yes I am Jensen. Yes I am. 

As I write this I have just finished my valerian root tea to help in sleeping. I have taken my lavender tub. I am being purposeful about my sleep pattern. If I awake in the night I still go downstairs to pray, but most nights I am making it until 4 a.m. without waking up. My peace is returning. 

Why?

Because I have been reminded. We all need a reminder at times. Sometimes is comes in the form of an event, a person, a place, a moment in time. Whenever, Whomever, Whatever and However it shows up in your life, Embrace It. I have. And it has changed everything. 

I love you.

Thank you for reading.

I am grateful.

I am Julie, who is simply so happy she could burst. 

Life is a beautiful thing when you live it and view every moment as something to be in awe of.

I'm in Awe Tonight.

Julie Erb Robbins