A dear friend said to me recently "You are always alone, more than anyone I know...." That statement depressed me.
I realized yesterday how truly inaccurate that statement was.
The boys had an opportunity to go camping with more boys....Thank You Remi. I am indebted to you for something really big. I smiled internally that I was not included in the camping trip. I have done a thousand camping trips (yup, slight embellishment, but when you've slept in a tent as many times as I have, well, then we can talk....) and did so to spend oodles of time with my girls and Carl and dogs and pine needles and rain and....bonus...bacon&egg breakfasts and camp coffee....
It meant I was alone....for the whole weekend...in my house.
Most people I know are doing weekend-y things and shut their phones off and try to decompress from the work week. Most people I know are in relationships of one kind or another that may require weekend attention. Most people I know who have an 8 year old have younger children and are doing family-ish things with said children and significant others....
That REALLY leaves me alone...up the creek...without a TEXT.....
Whatever did I do with myself???
Backing up 8 years. I began this blog because I had this dear sweet son of mine at age 42 and he changed me. Completely. My core Julie is still present, but he changed my perspective on EVERYTHING.... I began writing this blog to share my journey into this change in thoughts, actions, parenting journey, what I valued, but being truly ALONE brought up a whole shit ton of stuff.
Like thoughts.
Being alone isn't so bad.
There IS more to life than being a parent.
If my life completely revolves around the presence of others, I've disappeared.
Being Lonely Sucks.
Being okay with silence is good.
Not talking is GOOD.
Taking a long lavender bath is SO GOOD.
Turning up the music in the car and singing as loud as I want to 80's tunes??WAY FUN.
I'm never alone.
Even when I'm "alone", I'm not.
The last thought hit me like a ton of bricks.
Even when I'm alone....I'm not.
I'm not.
I work. I come home. I have things to do. People to see. Errands to run. Kids to worry about...getting better at letting that go... I have exercising to do. My thoughts never leave me, so the internal conversations are on going. I got a call at 6a.m. from my worried mother that she was not going to make it to church, could I find the church and bring her. WHAT THE HELL.
So yesterday. I went.
I actually climbed up on some rocks, found a pocket for myself, and sat. And did some relaxation techniques I've been learning, and some consciousness practices, and let the ocean's presence captivate me. No talking. No texting. No messenger-ing. No thinking. Just allowing the presence and majesty of this big created water enter into my thoughts. I began to feel as if the ocean was some big furious lover that could never be satisfied. And I got to sit there, and choose. Do I dive into all this Love, do I let it over take me, or Do I just sit here and be simple satisfied that I was just close enough to touch and feel the Universe at my feet. Big sigh. BIG breath.
When I was fully hungry, I went to my spot to eat. I broke my fast. Since I've been fasting its amazing how much less I need or want to eat. That's another blog post...
I drove home, in the dusky silence, and decided I was done with the silence and played tunes as LOUD AS I WANTED.... I am not someone that even likes to listen to music, but, it was such a comfort. Remembering all those fun times through song. And I sang as loud as I wanted. I do know all the words.... LOL...
I got home, went into the house.
Alone. Completely. No noise. No persons. Just the dog, which, I am not an animal lover, I am a people lover, so the dog does not count as something that brings me companionship or love or something to communicate with...sorry animal lovers, sorry.
As I walked up the stairs the loneliness rolled over me like an ocean wave and not like a good lover.
A sob caught in my throat.
I am learning through this new therapy I'm in to just allow the feeling, don't suppress is. Feel it, let it move through you, then let it go. So I cried. Sobbed actually. I'm ACTUALLY alone. No one is coming home. No one is here to talk to. No one to text, messenger, call. Complete Silence.
I let myself feel lonely.
Cried.
Then took my deep breaths.
Its okay to feel that way...now what?
Take a Lavendar bath and soak.
Watch Shameless.
Drink a Smirnoff
Munch on a few crackers.
Go to bed.
And it was GOOD.
Very Good.
Not ferocious Ocean lover good....
But, you know....you get the point.
I'm a lover of people. LOVER. Love. I love my people. I love people.
But.
Being completely alone, for like, 48 hours, is okay too.
I love you.
Your Lover.
Jewels.
Julie Erb.
J. Robbins.
You pick.
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