A couple of Sundays ago I sat in church with my family and we all took communion together. It was a moment that I could not have known would exist in my life 2 years prior. I did not know Lucas Sockbeson. I did not know my daughter Kristen's future. I did not know Elizabeth would have back surgery. 5 years prior to that communion moment I did not know I would have a loving 4 year old boy.
I began to ponder this moment of communion.
A communion of 6 souls in one place that God already knew about the possibilities. I became overwhelmed with an understanding that I can barely put into words. Through some hardships, lots of prayers, a mustard seed of faith and trust at times, God Knew.
My faith allows for this kind of thinking.
I know a God Who Knew.
Who Knows.
Who Sees the Future.
Just ponder that for a second.
I have tears that I simply don't have words for to express.
The day my daughter got married was beautiful. perfect. lovely. well thought out and well planned. elegant. simple. naturally coming together. all those involved did their 100% and helped create this wonderful plan of a special day for Lucas and Kristen. I am grateful.
I have faith in a God who Knew, Who Knows, Who Saw the day and the future.
deep breathe and take that all in.
With many prayers, rejoicing, lovely moments, deep commitments, and friends and family looking on, the day made an impact on me in so many ways. I would be remiss if I did not say thank you to the multitudes of people who made this day possible. If I made a list I would not want to leave anyone out. You are all so special to us.
As fall approaches, and we begin again with another year. I want to remember my communion moment.
I serve a God who Knew, who Knows, Who Sees.
At the soccer field.
At the preschool at UMaine.
On the corner of Kenduskeag and Griffin.
In Room A1-11 in the math wing at BHS.
University Of Maine, Orono.
Eastern Maine Community College.
Dysarts Restaurant.
JCPenney.
And Beyond.
God Knew, God Knows, and God Sees.
I would say my faith can grow just a wee bit bigger than a mustard seed this year, however, thats what God tells me is all I need, and He will take care of the rest.
Happy Fall everyone.
Much Love from Two Nests
Friday, August 22, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
There are worse things you kids could be doing.........
Just as when I found out I was pregnant at age 42 and hesitated for months to tell anyone because I did not want verbal backlash, I have hesitated to talk about my daughter's upcoming marriage. I have been told to stop worrying about what others think, let it roll off me.
But here's the thing. It concerns me that people actually think the worse thing you could do with your life is get married. Especially for people who ARE married to your kids father or mother. Imagine saying in front of your husband of 20+ years,"the worst thing I ever did was marry your father." Or the husband saying "The worst thing I ever did was marry your mother." "We made a big mistake." Realllllly think about that. If you truly believe that about your marriage and your life, I would suggest marital counseling and I am guessing its not much fun to be around you or your husband, for your kids or for anyone else.
I have even caught myself when talking about Kristen saying, oh yes, so proud of her. She's going to nursing school in the fall, not mentioning her upcoming marriage. Or talking about how her tuition is covered at UMaine, etc. Or her job at Sunbury Village, and now she's being trained an extremely busy restaurant called Dysarts to be a waitress.
I took a chance last week at the hairdressers. I told her my daughter was getting married. I said she was graduating and then getting married. I waited for the judgement, the unbelief. She said nothing. Which can sometimes be as bad. And I added, I am super proud of these kids. They are NOT going to live together before marriage, they are making a real commitment, an adult commitment. I am really proud of them both. Then she smiled. That's wonderful. You are going to be a busy but happy Momma. Exhale.
Our culture seemingly accepts just about anything. The behaviors we have voted in as legal in the state of Maine in the past 10 years saddens me to say the least. But "to each his own" is the watch word and song, supposedly.
There are worse things both my daughters could be doing.
They could be pregnant with no husband or father of the baby to come forward and help out.
They could have addiction problems to either prescription drugs or illegal drugs.
They could get drunk regularly with their friends to be cool and popular.
They could have abusive boyfriends.
They could have a DUI.
They could have no plans for the future, living come what may.
They could be jobless or homeless or both.
They could be atheists.
They could care less about school or furthering their educations.
They could have no integrity, no work ethic, and/or skip school regularly.
They could think their parents owe them everything.
But instead.
My daughter and her fiancee are saving money, planning a budget to live by, that includes giving, saving, and planning for their future.
My daughter is following her conscience.
My daughter has an excellent work ethic, and she has had an excellent reputation at every place she has worked that includes being a team player, hard worker, fully efficient, and kind to others, as does Lucas have this same reputation at the 2 jobs he has as well as at his college.
My daughter and her fiance plan their church time to make sure they attend together on Sundays, whether she is serving in childrens ministries or Lucas is going to work.
My daughter has a beautiful apartment to live in that is completely within their budget that she and Lucas have established. Moving in date: July 11th. (wedding date: July 11th).
I am thinking marriage is The Best Decision I made. I have these wonderful kids, and a husband of whom supports me, loves me, and is the Cornerstone of my life.
I don't say any of this to make my kids out to be better than yours. Or to say we have not had our fair share of disagreements in this house. That would be false. I am not better than you. She is not better than any of your kids. No one's kids are better than anyone else's kids. Here me on that.
Here's the thing to think about when you start talking, and I know you have.
Lucas and Kristen are beginning their life together. They have developed a deep love for one another and want to make a permanent commitment to what they see as the greatest thing that can happen to either of them, getting married and they are including God.
Will they have plenty to learn? absolutely. Anyone of us that has been married for any length of time had plenty to learn. I still have plenty to learn, and I want to learn. Are they young? well, that's obvious. I feel so old some days at 46, I would kill to be 19 for just 1 day, and I would be 19 with my 21 year old boyfriend. ahhhhhhhh. now that would be awesome. (boyfriend is said current husband, Carl Robbins).
50 years ago this would be a boring conversation. The Norm. No biggie. We have encouraged our youth into arrested development. Wait to grow up. Live with your parents until you're 30. No biggie. Or better yet, live with your parents as adults and eat all their food, don't pay rent, and don't help around the house, AND bring friends. Why not? No need to grow up too fast.
I am beginning to wonder if college is just another way to extend the teen years. I LOVED it the day I spent with Kristen on campus at UMaine. I got to sit, listen to a professor talk, walk around campus, get my exercise, went to the cafeteria, had oodles of food choices, none of which were made by me. I thought I was in heaven. I thought, I wish I could go back to college. This would be awesome. Its all about perspective, isn't it? I am all in favor of kids going to college, please don't get me wrong, I went to college. But I also was married most of my college experience. I "missed" out on the partying, having multiple boyfriends and potential sex partners, being pressured into drinking alcohol, and the one year I did live with a roommate? Let's just say that was a little piece of hell. Mostly because I already had goals for my future, I was engaged, and I did not have my parents credit card to use to go to Canada for the weekend to get drunk. I was also working, of which no one in the dorm seemed to think you could do and go to college. I did both.
So, the cat's out of the bag. Kristen and Lucas are getting married on July 11th at Moose Point State Park, and I could not be happier for them. So now, if you see me in public, I WILL do nothing but talk about it WITH PRIDE!
Oh, and I love the family we are adding. The Sockbesons. Nicole, Andy, Andrew (jr), and Chloe. I love you all already, along with Lucas, and am praying for our lovely union as well.
I can't wait to have another boy.
Love from Our Nest to Yours!
Julie Robbins. :)
But here's the thing. It concerns me that people actually think the worse thing you could do with your life is get married. Especially for people who ARE married to your kids father or mother. Imagine saying in front of your husband of 20+ years,"the worst thing I ever did was marry your father." Or the husband saying "The worst thing I ever did was marry your mother." "We made a big mistake." Realllllly think about that. If you truly believe that about your marriage and your life, I would suggest marital counseling and I am guessing its not much fun to be around you or your husband, for your kids or for anyone else.
I have even caught myself when talking about Kristen saying, oh yes, so proud of her. She's going to nursing school in the fall, not mentioning her upcoming marriage. Or talking about how her tuition is covered at UMaine, etc. Or her job at Sunbury Village, and now she's being trained an extremely busy restaurant called Dysarts to be a waitress.
I took a chance last week at the hairdressers. I told her my daughter was getting married. I said she was graduating and then getting married. I waited for the judgement, the unbelief. She said nothing. Which can sometimes be as bad. And I added, I am super proud of these kids. They are NOT going to live together before marriage, they are making a real commitment, an adult commitment. I am really proud of them both. Then she smiled. That's wonderful. You are going to be a busy but happy Momma. Exhale.
Our culture seemingly accepts just about anything. The behaviors we have voted in as legal in the state of Maine in the past 10 years saddens me to say the least. But "to each his own" is the watch word and song, supposedly.
There are worse things both my daughters could be doing.
They could be pregnant with no husband or father of the baby to come forward and help out.
They could have addiction problems to either prescription drugs or illegal drugs.
They could get drunk regularly with their friends to be cool and popular.
They could have abusive boyfriends.
They could have a DUI.
They could have no plans for the future, living come what may.
They could be jobless or homeless or both.
They could be atheists.
They could care less about school or furthering their educations.
They could have no integrity, no work ethic, and/or skip school regularly.
They could think their parents owe them everything.
But instead.
My daughter and her fiancee are saving money, planning a budget to live by, that includes giving, saving, and planning for their future.
My daughter is following her conscience.
My daughter has an excellent work ethic, and she has had an excellent reputation at every place she has worked that includes being a team player, hard worker, fully efficient, and kind to others, as does Lucas have this same reputation at the 2 jobs he has as well as at his college.
My daughter and her fiance plan their church time to make sure they attend together on Sundays, whether she is serving in childrens ministries or Lucas is going to work.
My daughter has a beautiful apartment to live in that is completely within their budget that she and Lucas have established. Moving in date: July 11th. (wedding date: July 11th).
I am thinking marriage is The Best Decision I made. I have these wonderful kids, and a husband of whom supports me, loves me, and is the Cornerstone of my life.
I don't say any of this to make my kids out to be better than yours. Or to say we have not had our fair share of disagreements in this house. That would be false. I am not better than you. She is not better than any of your kids. No one's kids are better than anyone else's kids. Here me on that.
Here's the thing to think about when you start talking, and I know you have.
Lucas and Kristen are beginning their life together. They have developed a deep love for one another and want to make a permanent commitment to what they see as the greatest thing that can happen to either of them, getting married and they are including God.
Will they have plenty to learn? absolutely. Anyone of us that has been married for any length of time had plenty to learn. I still have plenty to learn, and I want to learn. Are they young? well, that's obvious. I feel so old some days at 46, I would kill to be 19 for just 1 day, and I would be 19 with my 21 year old boyfriend. ahhhhhhhh. now that would be awesome. (boyfriend is said current husband, Carl Robbins).
50 years ago this would be a boring conversation. The Norm. No biggie. We have encouraged our youth into arrested development. Wait to grow up. Live with your parents until you're 30. No biggie. Or better yet, live with your parents as adults and eat all their food, don't pay rent, and don't help around the house, AND bring friends. Why not? No need to grow up too fast.
I am beginning to wonder if college is just another way to extend the teen years. I LOVED it the day I spent with Kristen on campus at UMaine. I got to sit, listen to a professor talk, walk around campus, get my exercise, went to the cafeteria, had oodles of food choices, none of which were made by me. I thought I was in heaven. I thought, I wish I could go back to college. This would be awesome. Its all about perspective, isn't it? I am all in favor of kids going to college, please don't get me wrong, I went to college. But I also was married most of my college experience. I "missed" out on the partying, having multiple boyfriends and potential sex partners, being pressured into drinking alcohol, and the one year I did live with a roommate? Let's just say that was a little piece of hell. Mostly because I already had goals for my future, I was engaged, and I did not have my parents credit card to use to go to Canada for the weekend to get drunk. I was also working, of which no one in the dorm seemed to think you could do and go to college. I did both.
So, the cat's out of the bag. Kristen and Lucas are getting married on July 11th at Moose Point State Park, and I could not be happier for them. So now, if you see me in public, I WILL do nothing but talk about it WITH PRIDE!
Oh, and I love the family we are adding. The Sockbesons. Nicole, Andy, Andrew (jr), and Chloe. I love you all already, along with Lucas, and am praying for our lovely union as well.
I can't wait to have another boy.
Love from Our Nest to Yours!
Julie Robbins. :)
Monday, December 16, 2013
Why We Live Pay Check to Pay Check
This morning one of my daughters asked me to buy more cereal.
I said, we have cereal. Dad got this cereal at Sam's club and paid $2 dollars less for it because it was crumpled. The store had to reduce the price because some people would not buy crumpled cereal.
Well, I want to eat different cereal, I am tired of Cheerios. Pay day is Thursday, we need to eeek out what we have until then.
"Mom, why do we live pay check to pay check???" Sigh.
I let that question enter me like a bullet, and for a moment I felt like a complete failure.
"We don't always live pay check to pay check, and we have food in this house, plenty of food, just not food you want right now."
"Its cold in here, why don't you turn up the heat, its because we can't afford it right? We live pay check to pay check. You just said we have to eeeek everything out until Thursday!" Sigh.
My kids have heard this multiple times that is the "wrong" way to live. They have heard of stories of money falling from heaven, and think its going to land in our house. They want the heat on 70 all the time. They have heard the word "budget" like it is synonomus with scripture reading. That it is a "sin" to use a charge card.
Well, let me tell you something.
Back when Kristen was 2 and I was 9 mos. prego with Elizabeth, we spent maybe $80 a week on groceries, maybe Heating oil was 88 cents a gallon! we used 100 gallons a month for $88 dollars and I did keep the heat on 70, all the time. Our rent was $350 a month in the house we were living, a year later, we owner financed said house for 32,000 which then turned our mortgage payment into $329.08 for 12 years. lights, gas, electricity. all much less that we pay today. Of course, we were living on 21,000 at that time. We paid maybe $20 a paycheck for health insurance. And we had a lovely benefactor named Bill who felt led to send us money each month to pick up the gaps. We cannot thank Bill enough, ever. And others who felt led to donate to our household in need.
Fast forward to 2013.
5 people living in a house. Just our electric bill alone is $150 to $200. We are in over $1000 in heating costs this season, and the tank is below 1/4 full as I write this blog. Our food bill rivals our mortgage,which including taxes and insurances is almost triple what we paid in Howland. But, when we bought this house, we had our 20% down, and Carl was making less than he does now, 10 years later.
Why does it feel like we make less?
The costs of life have quadrupled at a rapid pace. And not just for us, for everyone.
And then along came this little blessing named Daniel about 3 and 1/2 years ago, which brought me home once again.
When I hear how wrong it is to live pay check to pay check I want to scream.
I want to scream because it is saying to me, well, you know you can't afford to be a homemaker, so why try, because you are wrong to live pay check to pay check. You are wrong to use a credit card, so put that baby in daycare and don't look back. You are wrong to ask your kids to eeek out the cereal until Thursday, because you are living pay check to pay check.
Well, I gotta tell you, we have always lived this way.
Always. We have never had a big savings account, ever.
But we have always had enough.
We have never driven a brand new car, ever.
But our kids don't even know life without their mother.
We did not have a bank loan on a house until our Bangor home, because we did not make enough money to get a bank loan.
And when I did work, it was in a school, on their schedule or less, and they did not miss me because they were at school while I worked.
We have always had debt, because we had to pay for life all on our own.
I can't tell you how many (most) of our friends who had parents who helped them out with college. Or a down payment for a house, or co-signed on a loan for a car, or paid their medical bills like teeth while in college. Or gave them a place to live when they were struggling. I had a tooth pulled because I could not afford a root canal, and yes, that went on a credit card. I had college loans to pay and so did Carl.
But guess what? we paid them.
We will be debt free completely eventually, because we do pay all our bills every month, and man, there are a lot of them. I am not asking for an offering, really. or sympathy of any kind whatsoever.
But here's the deal.
If you are reading this, and you have made the statement before that it is wrong to live pay check to pay check. Could you reconsider that there are actually responsible, working people, who are not only taking care of a boat load of bills, medical included, giving to their church whenever possible, and donating oodles of volunteer hours to a variety of organizations, and trying to live on one income to the best of their ability?
Just give it a wee bit of consideration.
Because it makes a hard case for the woman who wants to be at home, knows what it is like to live on one income, and knows it takes a leap of major faith at times. I happen to find it rewarding, this life of homemaker. I have had many many many jobs. I have an education. I have used my degree. Now I am using it in different ways.
Thanks for reading and considering a different way of looking at things.
Love, as always, from my Nest to Your. Julie
I said, we have cereal. Dad got this cereal at Sam's club and paid $2 dollars less for it because it was crumpled. The store had to reduce the price because some people would not buy crumpled cereal.
Well, I want to eat different cereal, I am tired of Cheerios. Pay day is Thursday, we need to eeek out what we have until then.
"Mom, why do we live pay check to pay check???" Sigh.
I let that question enter me like a bullet, and for a moment I felt like a complete failure.
"We don't always live pay check to pay check, and we have food in this house, plenty of food, just not food you want right now."
"Its cold in here, why don't you turn up the heat, its because we can't afford it right? We live pay check to pay check. You just said we have to eeeek everything out until Thursday!" Sigh.
My kids have heard this multiple times that is the "wrong" way to live. They have heard of stories of money falling from heaven, and think its going to land in our house. They want the heat on 70 all the time. They have heard the word "budget" like it is synonomus with scripture reading. That it is a "sin" to use a charge card.
Well, let me tell you something.
Back when Kristen was 2 and I was 9 mos. prego with Elizabeth, we spent maybe $80 a week on groceries, maybe Heating oil was 88 cents a gallon! we used 100 gallons a month for $88 dollars and I did keep the heat on 70, all the time. Our rent was $350 a month in the house we were living, a year later, we owner financed said house for 32,000 which then turned our mortgage payment into $329.08 for 12 years. lights, gas, electricity. all much less that we pay today. Of course, we were living on 21,000 at that time. We paid maybe $20 a paycheck for health insurance. And we had a lovely benefactor named Bill who felt led to send us money each month to pick up the gaps. We cannot thank Bill enough, ever. And others who felt led to donate to our household in need.
Fast forward to 2013.
5 people living in a house. Just our electric bill alone is $150 to $200. We are in over $1000 in heating costs this season, and the tank is below 1/4 full as I write this blog. Our food bill rivals our mortgage,which including taxes and insurances is almost triple what we paid in Howland. But, when we bought this house, we had our 20% down, and Carl was making less than he does now, 10 years later.
Why does it feel like we make less?
The costs of life have quadrupled at a rapid pace. And not just for us, for everyone.
And then along came this little blessing named Daniel about 3 and 1/2 years ago, which brought me home once again.
When I hear how wrong it is to live pay check to pay check I want to scream.
I want to scream because it is saying to me, well, you know you can't afford to be a homemaker, so why try, because you are wrong to live pay check to pay check. You are wrong to use a credit card, so put that baby in daycare and don't look back. You are wrong to ask your kids to eeek out the cereal until Thursday, because you are living pay check to pay check.
Well, I gotta tell you, we have always lived this way.
Always. We have never had a big savings account, ever.
But we have always had enough.
We have never driven a brand new car, ever.
But our kids don't even know life without their mother.
We did not have a bank loan on a house until our Bangor home, because we did not make enough money to get a bank loan.
And when I did work, it was in a school, on their schedule or less, and they did not miss me because they were at school while I worked.
We have always had debt, because we had to pay for life all on our own.
I can't tell you how many (most) of our friends who had parents who helped them out with college. Or a down payment for a house, or co-signed on a loan for a car, or paid their medical bills like teeth while in college. Or gave them a place to live when they were struggling. I had a tooth pulled because I could not afford a root canal, and yes, that went on a credit card. I had college loans to pay and so did Carl.
But guess what? we paid them.
We will be debt free completely eventually, because we do pay all our bills every month, and man, there are a lot of them. I am not asking for an offering, really. or sympathy of any kind whatsoever.
But here's the deal.
If you are reading this, and you have made the statement before that it is wrong to live pay check to pay check. Could you reconsider that there are actually responsible, working people, who are not only taking care of a boat load of bills, medical included, giving to their church whenever possible, and donating oodles of volunteer hours to a variety of organizations, and trying to live on one income to the best of their ability?
Just give it a wee bit of consideration.
Because it makes a hard case for the woman who wants to be at home, knows what it is like to live on one income, and knows it takes a leap of major faith at times. I happen to find it rewarding, this life of homemaker. I have had many many many jobs. I have an education. I have used my degree. Now I am using it in different ways.
Thanks for reading and considering a different way of looking at things.
Love, as always, from my Nest to Your. Julie
Monday, December 9, 2013
Going to church with children is NOT for the faint of heart.
I saw my friend Catherine in line ahead of me to check Daniel in for Sunday school yesterday. She looked at me, I looked at her, we both sighed. No words needed. And then I made the statement, " Going to church with children is not for the faint of heart."
I think I remember the days when leaving the house was simple. I believe my routine used to go like this, awaken after a full nights sleep, get up, take a shower, drink coffee, eat breakfast, blow dry my locks, curl said locks, apply precision make up, IRON clothes, (I think I may have done that 18 years ago), wear said pressed clothes in very small sizes, put on lovely shoes, boots, whatever, run out the door, jump in car, tool about to church.
I think those things occurred, its been so long now, it seems as if maybe that is something I made up.
My Sunday a.m. had one goal in mind. Get to the 9a.m. service because I wanted to get home early, make dinner, so we could all eat before getting our Christmas Tree. I like the earlier service because there is usually less children in Daniel's class and he is fresh, less prone to a melt down when I leave him, which means there is no Mommy melt down I have to recover from the first 10 minutes of service while trying to "worship".
Mistake #1 Thinking that giving a boy a bath who detests baths would be a good idea on a morning I needed to be out the door by 8:30a.m. Lets just say both Carl and I were traumatized by the whole event, we still can't figure out why this kid hates baths. sigh. But suffice to say, both the boy and I were crying by the time is was over.
Mistake #2 Planning on getting a Christmas Tree.... Why do I attempt to plan anything that includes 5 people that have to come to an agreement that said activity will occur. My dear friend Aleyne posted recently about simply "giving up" with the massive amt. of decorating and such because of how difficult it can be to get everyone to help, agree, etc, I totally got her blog yesterday. I am like, forget it folks, just forget it.
Mistake #3 Coming into church late, because said boy did not want me to leave his class, coupled with the fact I was late getting him into Sunday School, due to said bath & trauma. The sanctuary is completely dark, only the stage is lit up where the singers are... The usher, very nice young man says to me, there are a couple of seats 2 rows from the back I can show you too. OH, is there anything down front? I have an attention span of a kindergartner. hehehehe, giggle. He takes me to the VERY FRONT ROW of the church. Is there anyone sitting in that front row?? Obviously NOT. There I sit, alone, in the very front row of the church. yup. that'll learn ya. is what I am thinking. no possible way to be distracted, except for the fact I am in the front row, alone. sigh.
I get home, make dinner, and nothing goes right after that. Suffice to say, Life is not for the Faint of Heart with Children, Infants, Toddlers, Teenagers. It simply is not. I posted today that I would give my self a generous 90% of loving the life of being parent. I had a 10% day yesterday. Yearning for the simplicity of my early years of marriage, the coming and going as I pleased. The working to make money, HAVING money to spend on whatever without a thought.
And then my dear sweet husband takes me to McDonalds for our weekly "date". We have mastered what we call the $8 dollar date or less. We even had coupons for our latte and white chocolate, which, that date costs us $2.50. After a church service Carl decided one Sunday we definately needed time alone on a regular basis, thus came the $8 date. We are becoming really good at it!!!!
So, I would conclude with the question I have asked myself so many times over the past 19 years of parenting. Why? Why do I do it? Why do I bring my kids to church? Why bother. Its hard, annoying at times, they dont like it, esp the being left part, why? Well, at 2:30a.m. I came up with an answer. Because, I want God to part of their reality. Can you get this without leaving your doorstep? Sure. I am sure you can. But somehow, the consistency of setting aside a day, Sunday for us, to go to church, despite the work of it, makes it special. I was headed to church 4 days after giving birth to Kristen. I was headed to church 3 days after giving birth to Elizabeth, with a toddling 2 year old in tow, thinking I would have to do it alone, accept my husband got up that morning and said, I will help you, no matter what my faith is currently. And with Daniel, he was 2 weeks old, we sat down front, never worried about how loud the music was, he always slept through it. no biggie. I get this internal "check" if you will when I begin to doubt the sanity of this. But when my daughters are reading the word with out prompting, or they are asking me to order them a Bible study, or they are making moral choices based on their faith, even though they are not surrounded by necessarily Christian values all day. Or when Daniel can actually tell me the Bible story he heard. Or simply, you know Mom, Jesus does love me, no matter what. I know its the right thing to do, this crazy Sunday morning thing.
Sunday morning then translates in Monday, which goes in Tuesday, and Wednesday, and beyond. Thats the life goal of believing and serving, right?
So, I made it through the horrible, bad, no good, day. But, as I reflect, it was neither, horrible or bad. It was developing in me my need for time alone with God, which I did before I went to bed. It made me realize how thankful I am for my husband who stays calm when I am cursing in the bathroom, sorry hon. That I can do the days, whether they be "90% days or 10% days". It can be all good.
So here's to honesty! I am living A Blessed Mess.
and I still have my sanity.
xo, Julie
I think I remember the days when leaving the house was simple. I believe my routine used to go like this, awaken after a full nights sleep, get up, take a shower, drink coffee, eat breakfast, blow dry my locks, curl said locks, apply precision make up, IRON clothes, (I think I may have done that 18 years ago), wear said pressed clothes in very small sizes, put on lovely shoes, boots, whatever, run out the door, jump in car, tool about to church.
I think those things occurred, its been so long now, it seems as if maybe that is something I made up.
My Sunday a.m. had one goal in mind. Get to the 9a.m. service because I wanted to get home early, make dinner, so we could all eat before getting our Christmas Tree. I like the earlier service because there is usually less children in Daniel's class and he is fresh, less prone to a melt down when I leave him, which means there is no Mommy melt down I have to recover from the first 10 minutes of service while trying to "worship".
Mistake #1 Thinking that giving a boy a bath who detests baths would be a good idea on a morning I needed to be out the door by 8:30a.m. Lets just say both Carl and I were traumatized by the whole event, we still can't figure out why this kid hates baths. sigh. But suffice to say, both the boy and I were crying by the time is was over.
Mistake #2 Planning on getting a Christmas Tree.... Why do I attempt to plan anything that includes 5 people that have to come to an agreement that said activity will occur. My dear friend Aleyne posted recently about simply "giving up" with the massive amt. of decorating and such because of how difficult it can be to get everyone to help, agree, etc, I totally got her blog yesterday. I am like, forget it folks, just forget it.
Mistake #3 Coming into church late, because said boy did not want me to leave his class, coupled with the fact I was late getting him into Sunday School, due to said bath & trauma. The sanctuary is completely dark, only the stage is lit up where the singers are... The usher, very nice young man says to me, there are a couple of seats 2 rows from the back I can show you too. OH, is there anything down front? I have an attention span of a kindergartner. hehehehe, giggle. He takes me to the VERY FRONT ROW of the church. Is there anyone sitting in that front row?? Obviously NOT. There I sit, alone, in the very front row of the church. yup. that'll learn ya. is what I am thinking. no possible way to be distracted, except for the fact I am in the front row, alone. sigh.
I get home, make dinner, and nothing goes right after that. Suffice to say, Life is not for the Faint of Heart with Children, Infants, Toddlers, Teenagers. It simply is not. I posted today that I would give my self a generous 90% of loving the life of being parent. I had a 10% day yesterday. Yearning for the simplicity of my early years of marriage, the coming and going as I pleased. The working to make money, HAVING money to spend on whatever without a thought.
And then my dear sweet husband takes me to McDonalds for our weekly "date". We have mastered what we call the $8 dollar date or less. We even had coupons for our latte and white chocolate, which, that date costs us $2.50. After a church service Carl decided one Sunday we definately needed time alone on a regular basis, thus came the $8 date. We are becoming really good at it!!!!
So, I would conclude with the question I have asked myself so many times over the past 19 years of parenting. Why? Why do I do it? Why do I bring my kids to church? Why bother. Its hard, annoying at times, they dont like it, esp the being left part, why? Well, at 2:30a.m. I came up with an answer. Because, I want God to part of their reality. Can you get this without leaving your doorstep? Sure. I am sure you can. But somehow, the consistency of setting aside a day, Sunday for us, to go to church, despite the work of it, makes it special. I was headed to church 4 days after giving birth to Kristen. I was headed to church 3 days after giving birth to Elizabeth, with a toddling 2 year old in tow, thinking I would have to do it alone, accept my husband got up that morning and said, I will help you, no matter what my faith is currently. And with Daniel, he was 2 weeks old, we sat down front, never worried about how loud the music was, he always slept through it. no biggie. I get this internal "check" if you will when I begin to doubt the sanity of this. But when my daughters are reading the word with out prompting, or they are asking me to order them a Bible study, or they are making moral choices based on their faith, even though they are not surrounded by necessarily Christian values all day. Or when Daniel can actually tell me the Bible story he heard. Or simply, you know Mom, Jesus does love me, no matter what. I know its the right thing to do, this crazy Sunday morning thing.
Sunday morning then translates in Monday, which goes in Tuesday, and Wednesday, and beyond. Thats the life goal of believing and serving, right?
So, I made it through the horrible, bad, no good, day. But, as I reflect, it was neither, horrible or bad. It was developing in me my need for time alone with God, which I did before I went to bed. It made me realize how thankful I am for my husband who stays calm when I am cursing in the bathroom, sorry hon. That I can do the days, whether they be "90% days or 10% days". It can be all good.
So here's to honesty! I am living A Blessed Mess.
and I still have my sanity.
xo, Julie
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
6 and 1/2 years. and now I am done forever.
I know for many Moms, this is a very short time. I have one friend who had 9 children, so I am guessing she has between 16 to 18 years in. What am I talking about???? Breastfeeding. I know, I just lost some of you. Thats okay. For the ones who love it, keep reading, because you will understand what I am talking about.
In the beginning I was absolutely NOT going to breastfeed. I remember sitting at my friend Debbie McMorrans house for dinner, Carl and I were in the midst of hoping for a pregnancy that was far too long in the making, and Debbie brought up breastfeeding. She asked me if I was planning on it. Carl quickly responded, oh absolutely. Its the best thing for any child, yeah, she's doing that. I looked over at him, and gave him the hairy eyeball. I am NOT doing that! I think its gross, I dont want to expose myself, eww ick, no way, where did you get that idea I would do something like that??? Debbie persisted, Oh Julie, you will love it. I know you will. Its awesome, and such bonding. You will love it, I know you will. Awkward silence followed. I remember getting home that afternoon and asking Carl, why would you think I would WANT to do that? I mean really. You don't know me at all.
I know some of you reading this who know me now can't believe I felt this way. Since I am almost borderline obnoxious in my passion about breastfeeding. I have toned it down a bit, but, make no mistake, I am passionate about it and if I could train and coach every woman into it, my life would be beyond how worthwhile I view it already.
I remember my very first friend in college, Lynn, breastfeeding. I went to her apartment right after she got home from having the baby, Staria. Lynn and Craig were vegetarians, and my first thought was I need to bring them food. So, in my yet to be established cooking regiment, I brought over 2 cans of corn chowder, and we proceeded to heat it up in a glass bowl in the microwave, and I brought my Moms bread. We ooohed and aahhed over the baby, and they she started to fuss. Lynn very casually began to feed her. I had NEVER seen a baby be nursed before. I was so curious, like what are you doing to that kid???? I had not a clue. I remember Carl being very proud of Lynn. Then another friend at college, Vicki, had twins. I went over to University Park and saw the babies, and she was nursing twins!!!! I could not get over it. Now, these weren't seasoned Moms, these were 20 and 21 year old girls, ladies. Girls. Going to UMaine, one in nursing, one in history, married, girls. They began to lay a great foundation for me, an understanding I never had. IT was beautiful.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I cannot tell you how devastating that was. I remember going to the alter at our church and just sobbing, and my pastor and his wife praying with us. But then, finally, I got pregnant with Kristen!!! I prayed every single day for that baby growing inside me to be healthy. That long 9 months changed my heart. Each day I prayed for her, and the best for her, wanting to hold her, and kiss her little face, my heart was also softening to the idea of breastfeeding. By the time she was born, I was mush, my midwife helped her latch on, and thus began our journey.
I would love to tell you I had loads of support for this endeavor, but I did not. No support group at EMMC. My Mom (whom I loved dearly, but bottle fed only) telling me, well, you may not be able to do it, or didn't she just eat? Why are you feeding her again? Oh you can't do that in front of Ray, please go into a bedroom. At one point, my current brother in law, who was very quiet said to my sister, Why isn't Julie nuts yet? Your mother does not leave her alone to be a Mom. I'm nuts listening to it. He said, its like someone else has moved into Julie's body, she's so calm.
And I was calm. I had made my mind up. I was doing this thing that I was grossed out by years prior.
I was empowered by those sweet college friends who had shared their experience with me.
I wanted this baby to live and thrive and I made up my mind to do it.
And, lets not forget, its free. always thinking, that frugal husband of mine.
Kristen loved to nurse. She would nurse for 45 mins, then stop, then want to again in a hour. I just went with it. Go with the flow was my new motto. But what about Dr. Spock????? my mother would say to me. I never fed you girls that much and you turned out just fine. You Need A Schedule. Dr. Spock this and Dr. Spock that. To hell with Dr.Spock. but back then I would have never said anything like that to my mother, I would just nod, smile, and keep on feeding the baby. You have to put her down sometime! Are you kidding me??? I waited 2 years for this blessing, I will hold her as much as I want. smile, nod, would you like to hold her Mom?
Elizabeth came along, and what a different nursing baby. She was fast and efficient. 7 mins and 7 mins. done. I am not kidding. I could not believe it. I thought, how is she going to gain weight? 20lbs by 6 months, 2 lbs heavier at the same age as her sister. Go figure. Again, I went with the flow, fed when she wanted, all was good.
Then comes the Daniel boy. Great latch in the hospital. But he was definately different. If there was ever a term of "lazy nurser" I would call him that. He was very easy going. Was never demanding, I was the one who constantly offered him to feed. And not a strong latch at all, but this little bugger was 22 lbs by 6 months old, so he was loving life as well.
Six and a half years between all 3 kids.
If I live to be 90, it will have been not quite 8% of my life was given to feeding my children from my own body. Comforting them, consoling them when teething or not feeling well, feeding their thirst. I am a big comfort nurser as well. I figure, when my life is said and done, I want to be known as a comfortable place for my children to go when they are sad, hungry, need prayer or support. I am their cheerleader. I am their giver of life.
I fed my children from my own making of milk.
Its beautiful. It hurts. It is painful at times. This feeding thing. Its inconvenient. Its lonely. It was a trust thing between God and me. I remember praying, God, you made me, you made them, now help me to do this.
And He Did. What I didn't know then was, this is life with children, toddlers, teenagers, college students. These needs don't change, they just look different as my kids have aged. Great life lessons I learned while breastfeeding.
I remember the days it took for my colostrum to turn to milk. Born Tuesday, Midnight Friday. Kristen Born Wednesday, Midnight Friday. Elizabeth. Born Tuesday, Friday Morning. Daniel. Guess what? Fridays were hard days. Thursday Night, hard nights. Praying, okay God, any time now, any time...... Bone weary exhaustion. Like nothing else. Not only did I give birth, I am making food. Lots of food for this hungry child.
Not that I was going for the cover of Time Magazine or anything :) but I decided, lets just see how this thing plays out with Daniel. I had talked to my friend Amy, who was lengthy nursing Mom, (how do you like that term) and she said her daughter up and stopped on her own at age 2 and 1/2. My friend Carolyn said oh, boys love to nurse, Nathaniel did it until age 3 and 1/2, and finally, one of my sister in laws said, oh just do it as long as he wants, I am NOT telling you how long my last baby did it.
Well, I think it happened maybe a week or so ago, he stopped nursing.
We had gotten into the habit of laying in bed and reading together before nap, then he would just cuddle next to me and fall asleep. Or at night, he would cuddle with me on the couch and fall asleep and we put him in his bed. On Thanksgiving, I said to Carl, I don't remember the last time he nursed. It makes me a bit teary eyed, but Carl said, well, It was his timing. He's done, but you are his world. He needs you for other things.
I love my husband. He has always been my support in this area. He's never been weird about breastfeeding ever. He loves when he sees other women feeding their babies. He never put limitations on me. Just support. Do what you feel, honey. You are doing a great job. Listen to the babies, they know when they are hungry. Let them eat. He is probably one of the most unselfish men I know of when it comes to his Dad role. Sometimes we have simply had the energy to hug each other. Thats it. and say I love you. And that was enough. It doesn't last, that tiredness, but to have his support, love, encouragement. I couldn't have done it without him. His role was critical in this journey.
So, I am done. Forever. No more nursing. No more sweet breath. No more skin on skin contact with my babies. Sigh. But guess what? There's more to come. Way More. And I don't want to miss any of it.
I can't wait to support my own daughters and their someday husbands in their parenting journeys. And I will bite my tongue and not tell them what to do, I will wait for them to ask. That is my promise, they have it in writing, now!
And my Daniel boy. Who will become a man someday and have his own family. I will do the same. I promise, Daniel.
Thank you to all my breastfeeding Mentors, Thank you to the love and support that was given to me by my family, and Thank you to God for allowing me to be a Mom, the best thing next to marriage that has ever happened to me.
Blessed in this Nest.
Julie, Mom of Kristen Hope, Elizabeth Grace, and Daniel Joseph.
In the beginning I was absolutely NOT going to breastfeed. I remember sitting at my friend Debbie McMorrans house for dinner, Carl and I were in the midst of hoping for a pregnancy that was far too long in the making, and Debbie brought up breastfeeding. She asked me if I was planning on it. Carl quickly responded, oh absolutely. Its the best thing for any child, yeah, she's doing that. I looked over at him, and gave him the hairy eyeball. I am NOT doing that! I think its gross, I dont want to expose myself, eww ick, no way, where did you get that idea I would do something like that??? Debbie persisted, Oh Julie, you will love it. I know you will. Its awesome, and such bonding. You will love it, I know you will. Awkward silence followed. I remember getting home that afternoon and asking Carl, why would you think I would WANT to do that? I mean really. You don't know me at all.
I know some of you reading this who know me now can't believe I felt this way. Since I am almost borderline obnoxious in my passion about breastfeeding. I have toned it down a bit, but, make no mistake, I am passionate about it and if I could train and coach every woman into it, my life would be beyond how worthwhile I view it already.
I remember my very first friend in college, Lynn, breastfeeding. I went to her apartment right after she got home from having the baby, Staria. Lynn and Craig were vegetarians, and my first thought was I need to bring them food. So, in my yet to be established cooking regiment, I brought over 2 cans of corn chowder, and we proceeded to heat it up in a glass bowl in the microwave, and I brought my Moms bread. We ooohed and aahhed over the baby, and they she started to fuss. Lynn very casually began to feed her. I had NEVER seen a baby be nursed before. I was so curious, like what are you doing to that kid???? I had not a clue. I remember Carl being very proud of Lynn. Then another friend at college, Vicki, had twins. I went over to University Park and saw the babies, and she was nursing twins!!!! I could not get over it. Now, these weren't seasoned Moms, these were 20 and 21 year old girls, ladies. Girls. Going to UMaine, one in nursing, one in history, married, girls. They began to lay a great foundation for me, an understanding I never had. IT was beautiful.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I cannot tell you how devastating that was. I remember going to the alter at our church and just sobbing, and my pastor and his wife praying with us. But then, finally, I got pregnant with Kristen!!! I prayed every single day for that baby growing inside me to be healthy. That long 9 months changed my heart. Each day I prayed for her, and the best for her, wanting to hold her, and kiss her little face, my heart was also softening to the idea of breastfeeding. By the time she was born, I was mush, my midwife helped her latch on, and thus began our journey.
I would love to tell you I had loads of support for this endeavor, but I did not. No support group at EMMC. My Mom (whom I loved dearly, but bottle fed only) telling me, well, you may not be able to do it, or didn't she just eat? Why are you feeding her again? Oh you can't do that in front of Ray, please go into a bedroom. At one point, my current brother in law, who was very quiet said to my sister, Why isn't Julie nuts yet? Your mother does not leave her alone to be a Mom. I'm nuts listening to it. He said, its like someone else has moved into Julie's body, she's so calm.
And I was calm. I had made my mind up. I was doing this thing that I was grossed out by years prior.
I was empowered by those sweet college friends who had shared their experience with me.
I wanted this baby to live and thrive and I made up my mind to do it.
And, lets not forget, its free. always thinking, that frugal husband of mine.
Kristen loved to nurse. She would nurse for 45 mins, then stop, then want to again in a hour. I just went with it. Go with the flow was my new motto. But what about Dr. Spock????? my mother would say to me. I never fed you girls that much and you turned out just fine. You Need A Schedule. Dr. Spock this and Dr. Spock that. To hell with Dr.Spock. but back then I would have never said anything like that to my mother, I would just nod, smile, and keep on feeding the baby. You have to put her down sometime! Are you kidding me??? I waited 2 years for this blessing, I will hold her as much as I want. smile, nod, would you like to hold her Mom?
Elizabeth came along, and what a different nursing baby. She was fast and efficient. 7 mins and 7 mins. done. I am not kidding. I could not believe it. I thought, how is she going to gain weight? 20lbs by 6 months, 2 lbs heavier at the same age as her sister. Go figure. Again, I went with the flow, fed when she wanted, all was good.
Then comes the Daniel boy. Great latch in the hospital. But he was definately different. If there was ever a term of "lazy nurser" I would call him that. He was very easy going. Was never demanding, I was the one who constantly offered him to feed. And not a strong latch at all, but this little bugger was 22 lbs by 6 months old, so he was loving life as well.
Six and a half years between all 3 kids.
If I live to be 90, it will have been not quite 8% of my life was given to feeding my children from my own body. Comforting them, consoling them when teething or not feeling well, feeding their thirst. I am a big comfort nurser as well. I figure, when my life is said and done, I want to be known as a comfortable place for my children to go when they are sad, hungry, need prayer or support. I am their cheerleader. I am their giver of life.
I fed my children from my own making of milk.
Its beautiful. It hurts. It is painful at times. This feeding thing. Its inconvenient. Its lonely. It was a trust thing between God and me. I remember praying, God, you made me, you made them, now help me to do this.
And He Did. What I didn't know then was, this is life with children, toddlers, teenagers, college students. These needs don't change, they just look different as my kids have aged. Great life lessons I learned while breastfeeding.
I remember the days it took for my colostrum to turn to milk. Born Tuesday, Midnight Friday. Kristen Born Wednesday, Midnight Friday. Elizabeth. Born Tuesday, Friday Morning. Daniel. Guess what? Fridays were hard days. Thursday Night, hard nights. Praying, okay God, any time now, any time...... Bone weary exhaustion. Like nothing else. Not only did I give birth, I am making food. Lots of food for this hungry child.
Not that I was going for the cover of Time Magazine or anything :) but I decided, lets just see how this thing plays out with Daniel. I had talked to my friend Amy, who was lengthy nursing Mom, (how do you like that term) and she said her daughter up and stopped on her own at age 2 and 1/2. My friend Carolyn said oh, boys love to nurse, Nathaniel did it until age 3 and 1/2, and finally, one of my sister in laws said, oh just do it as long as he wants, I am NOT telling you how long my last baby did it.
Well, I think it happened maybe a week or so ago, he stopped nursing.
We had gotten into the habit of laying in bed and reading together before nap, then he would just cuddle next to me and fall asleep. Or at night, he would cuddle with me on the couch and fall asleep and we put him in his bed. On Thanksgiving, I said to Carl, I don't remember the last time he nursed. It makes me a bit teary eyed, but Carl said, well, It was his timing. He's done, but you are his world. He needs you for other things.
I love my husband. He has always been my support in this area. He's never been weird about breastfeeding ever. He loves when he sees other women feeding their babies. He never put limitations on me. Just support. Do what you feel, honey. You are doing a great job. Listen to the babies, they know when they are hungry. Let them eat. He is probably one of the most unselfish men I know of when it comes to his Dad role. Sometimes we have simply had the energy to hug each other. Thats it. and say I love you. And that was enough. It doesn't last, that tiredness, but to have his support, love, encouragement. I couldn't have done it without him. His role was critical in this journey.
So, I am done. Forever. No more nursing. No more sweet breath. No more skin on skin contact with my babies. Sigh. But guess what? There's more to come. Way More. And I don't want to miss any of it.
I can't wait to support my own daughters and their someday husbands in their parenting journeys. And I will bite my tongue and not tell them what to do, I will wait for them to ask. That is my promise, they have it in writing, now!
And my Daniel boy. Who will become a man someday and have his own family. I will do the same. I promise, Daniel.
Thank you to all my breastfeeding Mentors, Thank you to the love and support that was given to me by my family, and Thank you to God for allowing me to be a Mom, the best thing next to marriage that has ever happened to me.
Blessed in this Nest.
Julie, Mom of Kristen Hope, Elizabeth Grace, and Daniel Joseph.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
This Camel Had Her Final Straw
We all have that Moment. We carry on enjoying life for the most part, finding the good in every day life, noticing the miracles all around us in our children, husband, or friends. But we all have stuff. What I mean by "stuff" is those things we don't share with others. Those situations or relationships that we just hope we can pray them away, or hope things will turn out better. We may have illness of a loved one we are plowing through, and unexpected debt has settled on us, or kids who are just requiring more prayers that we can say on any given day. Its "stuff". And for me, I share my "stuff" with only a chosen few. I have loads of friends, but they don't all want or need to hear my "stuff". I prefer to stuff my stuff, hoping for a brighter day, because I do have so much good to focus on.
The Moment Came.
I was heading out the door with two arm fulls of Bible studies I was bringing to my sister-in-laws house as she wanted to look through what I had studied to help in making a decision about what she might like to study next. My daughter Kristen was waiting to be brought to the grocery store to get much needed M&M's to aide her in the evenings studies and a simple calculator that she assured me could be bought at a grocery store "for a dollar or so" as it was so basic it could not cost more than that. Kristen was in the car waiting, I was bringing out loads of Bible studies, arms beyond full, I put my cell phone in my pocket, could feel the key in the same pocket. phew, there it was. Finally got into the drivers side and pulled out the cell phone, only to find no key. WHAT? Where the heck is that thing??? I ran inside, I was running out of time if I was going to be in Old Town by 6:30 p.m., get this kid to the grocery store and back then leave. I made a quick sweep of the kitchen. No Way. No key.
I go into the back room where Scooby Doo is blaring. Anyone seen the key or picked it up? Nope. Carl gives me this look, you did not loose the key did you??? I give him the teenager eyeroll. I mean, really. I did not loose it, I know I had it. Come on, give me a break. I quickly looked over all the surfaces in the house where it might be. There are not that many places I had gone. I had come home from the eye docs, went into the kitchen, noticed it was a mess, cleaned it up, loaded the dishwasher, started making dinner. I did not go far.
At one point in the evening as I knew I was going nowhere I went outside on my hands and knees looking for the key under the van. I said, For real God, if we dont fiind these keys, I am done with You.
Yup, I said that to God about loosing those keys.
oh boy.
My faith is usually not that shallow, but it has been tested to say the least in the past year.
The Key was the Straw for this Camel's Back.
It was.
I continued to look until I went to bed. I went to bed with this key weighing on me. I would like to say it was the only thing weighing on me, but apparently not if I was willing to Curse God and Die over the key.
I would love to say I was this evolved Christian who never worried. Who went to bed each and every night and enjoyed 8 hours of blissful restful sleep. Never happens. Let me tell you that I know all the right things to do. I do. And, for the most part I practice them. But, let me tell you, until you experience true heartbreak over hearts broken, there in nothing but time that heals the wounds and it seems as if I have entered a season where my heart gets broken and needs time to heal. I am not a quick healer.
I woke up at 4 a.m. with a broken heart. I was heavy in spirit and I knew it. And to top it off, the key was still lost. I tried to sleep, but soon after 5 a.m. I was greeted with Mom, I need cereal, lets go eat cereal. I am sooooooo tired, but I get up, make coffee, start my day.
I have my feet in 2 worlds. The world of my 3 year old, who is physically demanding, and the world of two teenage daughters that is emotionally demanding. There are moments when all I can do is sit and drink my coffee, take a deep breath, and pray. that simply has to be enough.
Except on my broken back days.
I quickly realized this morning I need more. I sat at the table and cried to my husband. I did not know anyone was listening,I thought we were the only ones up, that and the Scooby Doo addict who was occupied with....Scooby Doo. But apparently not. I got my coffee, went up to my bedroom, laid on the bed, and cried some more. Carl got ready for work, as did the girls. I stayed in my room.
One of my daughters entered the bedroom as I began to get off the bed. She put her arms out to me to give me a hug. She hugged me and did not pull away. She began to cry. I am sooo sorry Mom. I am so sorry. We cried together. No daughter, I am sorry. I am sorry for sooo many things I simply can't talk about right now, but I will accept this hug. It was a healing moment. I don't forget these.
I began tearing the kitchen apart, cupboards, baskets at the door, radiators, anything to find this key.
Mom called. Mom, I simply can't take it. Its too much. Life is just too much. I can't do this. Everything, nothing, I cant. Well, you can't do everything, but God can give you strength to do what you can. She prayed with me on the phone. I cried some more. Now, I fully expect to hear you have found this key. By 2:30p.m. Mom doesn't mess around.
I went outside One More Time. I felt like I had been outside 100 times looking in my small driveway, under the vehicles, I even lifted the covering on the motorcycle. I glances at the grass and saw something shining. I bent down and pulled a fork out of the grass covered in sand. Then I thought, what if this key is hiding? Where would it hide? I bent down again, looking around my steps. I have 2 flower pots near my door way. One is placed on the first step going up the stairs. I look at that pot of dirt and white flowers. I see something silver in the pot. I look closer, and what do you know, I see my black van key. Can you believe that?
It was around 1:30.
How do like that Mom? God was early. Amazing.
Fortunately, God did not take me up on my offer.
He sees my imperfect life and loves me anyway.
Knowing I will have more back breaking moments, but knowing I won't go it alone.
Blessed in this Imperfect but Beautiful Nest.
Love, Julie
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I know what I know. thats it.
I know what I know because I have experienced it.
Not because I read it in a book, or am trying to follow some far reaching role model in my life.
But because I think I know, because I trust my instincts.
I thought I knew some things, but I was very wrong. I felt I had been duped and deceived by people I had trusted, but they were not worthy of my trust, and I had absolutely no idea, none. So I began to question my experience, my ability to discern truth from fiction, my "radar", my "mom sense". I wanted retribution. I wanted to make those involved to see how wrong they were. I did not want anyone getting away with anything that would cause someone else harm. What if others didn't know? What if the same thing happened to them and I stood by and said nothing. When is it considered gossip or letting someone know the skinny so they wont fall prey?
I said to my husband, while I was Praying, they were preying. How ironic is that???
Living in this world is a balancing act between
Love and hate.
Believing or Questioning.
Lying and Truth.
Let go or Hold On.
Intervene or Sit Back and Wait.
Throw in the Towel or Keep Fighting.
Character or Charm
Momentary "Magic" or Lifetime commitment.
As I was running around the track this morning, I said to God, where were you when.........? Did you not see???? Did you not know, I mean, you are God, right? What are you trying to do to me? You know how deep my love is. I don't fake this life. I am not a con artist. I put it all out there. I love generously, and I feel as if you are showing me I don't have a clue.
And then I felt a nudging in my spirit, Read Psalm 139. go on, read it. I am not far away.
verse 2 you know when I sit and when I rise.
verse 3 you know when I go out and when I lie down
verse 4 before I speak a word, you know what I will say
verse 5 you hem me in, you go before and behind me
verse 7 I can't get away from your spirit
verse 16 All the days were ordained for me before one of them came to be.
I did cry on the track. I had one more lap to go. I did the lap, crying. Crying because I hate the feelings of hurt. I hate being taken advantage of, but who doesn't? Who wants to sign up for intentional emotional pain from other humans? Oh, that would be Jesus.
Thank you God for bringing your Words to Me. Reminding me you do see it all, even when I don't. And that I can Trust you know the End Game. You know the consequences. And I don't have to be the one to deal them out. My hope is my praying will lessen the preying. That healing will prevail, and blessings will continue in my own life as well as my family that you blessed me with.
Always humbled by this Beautiful Life,
Julie Kristen Robbins
Not because I read it in a book, or am trying to follow some far reaching role model in my life.
But because I think I know, because I trust my instincts.
I thought I knew some things, but I was very wrong. I felt I had been duped and deceived by people I had trusted, but they were not worthy of my trust, and I had absolutely no idea, none. So I began to question my experience, my ability to discern truth from fiction, my "radar", my "mom sense". I wanted retribution. I wanted to make those involved to see how wrong they were. I did not want anyone getting away with anything that would cause someone else harm. What if others didn't know? What if the same thing happened to them and I stood by and said nothing. When is it considered gossip or letting someone know the skinny so they wont fall prey?
I said to my husband, while I was Praying, they were preying. How ironic is that???
Living in this world is a balancing act between
Love and hate.
Believing or Questioning.
Lying and Truth.
Let go or Hold On.
Intervene or Sit Back and Wait.
Throw in the Towel or Keep Fighting.
Character or Charm
Momentary "Magic" or Lifetime commitment.
As I was running around the track this morning, I said to God, where were you when.........? Did you not see???? Did you not know, I mean, you are God, right? What are you trying to do to me? You know how deep my love is. I don't fake this life. I am not a con artist. I put it all out there. I love generously, and I feel as if you are showing me I don't have a clue.
And then I felt a nudging in my spirit, Read Psalm 139. go on, read it. I am not far away.
verse 2 you know when I sit and when I rise.
verse 3 you know when I go out and when I lie down
verse 4 before I speak a word, you know what I will say
verse 5 you hem me in, you go before and behind me
verse 7 I can't get away from your spirit
verse 16 All the days were ordained for me before one of them came to be.
I did cry on the track. I had one more lap to go. I did the lap, crying. Crying because I hate the feelings of hurt. I hate being taken advantage of, but who doesn't? Who wants to sign up for intentional emotional pain from other humans? Oh, that would be Jesus.
Thank you God for bringing your Words to Me. Reminding me you do see it all, even when I don't. And that I can Trust you know the End Game. You know the consequences. And I don't have to be the one to deal them out. My hope is my praying will lessen the preying. That healing will prevail, and blessings will continue in my own life as well as my family that you blessed me with.
Always humbled by this Beautiful Life,
Julie Kristen Robbins
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)