I've always been a poor looser.

I was one of those kids that when I was failing at a game, the board went into the air, along with all the pieces, cards, and of course, the board. Parcheesi was one of the most frustrating games ever for me. My father would insist on blocking us. My mother would say, Rodney, come on, remove the block, you are frustrating the kids. Nope, he wouldn't. I think he was trying to teach us some frustrating lesson. Whatever. The board went in the air in the midst of that lesson. No more Parcheesi. I actually bought this board game last year at Christmas for the whole family. I don't think we have even cracked it open. Others in this family who will remain nameless have inherited my hate of loosing anything gene. Yes, I would say we are a wee bit competitive around here.

The first year I was married was one of loss. 8 to 10 sets of apartment/car keys to be exact. We could just never find those things. I mean, where exactly did all those keys go? No idea. We did not have a lot of stuff, we lived in a teeny tiny "love nest" as I fondly called it. Carl was the looser of the keys. I could feel the steam just build, the eye rolling, the What On Earth? How could you have lost yet one more set of keys??? Impossible. WE became experts of climbing in through windows in a variety of places we lived. We would leave one certain window unlocked at all times. I dare say either of us would fit through a window anymore.

Board game and keys, yup, those seemed like BIG losses at the time.
Really big. Back in the world of Everything Has Equal Value. Wrong.

Last Monday night I got very honest with my study group. I said I wasn't going to lie anymore. I never saw myself as a liar, per say. Like, if I told you I was going to the grocery store, and didn't go, that's a lie. But there are other ways we lie, and the more we do it, the more we become accustomed to it. I had lied to myself for a bulk of my life about how certain losses did not affect me. Saying they were "no big deal" and they were. All things came crashing down about 3 weeks ago when our family experienced an unexpected loss. A human loss. And I decided to stop lying. I decided to be honest about how the loss affected me with a friend. I started to cry and tried to stop myself, as I did not want to burden her. Oh I am just so damn prideful, like I have to be perfectly happy all the time. She told me to just let it out. And I did. I could not believe how much emotion was stored in one person, how the dam just broke. So many losses came out that I had stuffed. I became so honest, I could not believe it. But, because of my complete confession about the loss & becoming totally honesty, guess what? I am better. I feel better. You can move into healing very rapidly when you are honest. As a result of the unexpected loss that moved me into honesty and healing I wrote this in my gratitude journal:

I listed the greatest losses I have experienced to date, and no, keys & board games did not make the list, but following that list, I decided to list what was a blessing in the loss, blessings that come as a result of loss. And they do exist!

#419  Loss humbles

#420 Loss brings you to prayer for others

#421 Loss brings compassion for others to your soul

#422 Loss of one thing brings/makes room for something else

And you know, the week that followed these entries was so beautiful. Every one of those "benefits" of loss rang true on so many levels for all of us in the Robbins Nest. See the blessing in the loss.
Dream Adjustments.
Change.
Moving Forward.
Healing and Embracing the New.
All good things as a result of loss.

What a month, what a week, What a year. Such a comfort that I know with every loss, there is a benefit, a unseen and unknown blessing that has yet to occur.

I have come to the conclusion, no matter how hard loss can be, there is always a Blessing Just Waiting to Happen.

Much love to you all from this Nest.
 Julie, Nest Adviser & Humbled Looser 

Yes, my family is different. Sigh.

I was told recently that our family is "different" but not in a good way. The person making the observation meant we were  having nothing in common with them due to the fact that we are "different". This got me thinking about many things that are different, of course.

I have struggled at times sending my kids to school. I remember the first day I left them in public school at Abraham Lincoln School in Bangor. We had taken them out of private school for a variety of reasons, one being money. I cried for months each day as I left them there, somehow believing the world was going to reek havoc on my precious daughters. That somehow their minds would be changed towards God. That because of my perception that God was not welcomed in public school that He would not go with them. I was wrong on many accounts, fortunately, but the girls are different from a vast majority of their peers for a many reasons. Because of those differences I have worried about them. Am I expecting too much of them to go out in their teenage worlds and excel in their faith? I have been saddened when I have walked the halls of  their High School to be met with posters that scream accept this dysfunction as truth, and the words have nothing to do with academics or excellence in any way. I wonder, is this tearing them down? I have asked them, Do you want to stay home? Each and every time they have answered no, that would not help us, Mom. At all, and look at all the good stuff we would be missing out on. But, still, they are out there. Swimming upstream with most, if not all, of their views. Its lonely, my one daughter tells me. Very lonely. And when people find out what you really think, look out. I pray for them continually, still questioning myself.

My husband and I are married. Still. One person found this very daunting. This child/teen did not grow up in a home with both parents. Why is this so necessary? Why? I can't relate to the protective nature of both your parents. They are so strict and want to know your business and read your texts. My parent would never do that. That's weird. And your parents don't drink. You don't have alcohol in your home. That's weird. I can't relate to this. Believe it or not I think one of the weirdest things about me is I have never drank alcohol. People can't believe this. I have been ridiculed, made fun of, always when people find it out the first thing they try to do is talk me into drinking. Just a glass, what is the big deal? WEll, until about 10 years ago I thought it was tied into my salvation, which, is wrong. But when you are raised to think something is wrong, and you don't do it, it kind of can stick into adulthood. Is it wrong to have a beer or drink a glass of wine? NO. I have no problem with my husband having a social drink, which he hardly does, possibly because we aren't overly out there socially. And when you have to buy 5 gallons of milk a week, and every penny counts, guess what you are NOT spending your money on. But, because we are married, and don't drink in our home, we are different. Weird, really.

We spend time together as a family going on trips still with teenagers. When we go on vacation, we take everyone. Mom and Dad are not jet setting off alone, we take our kids. Last time I checked there were 5 in the Robbins Nest, not 2. I had a very dear friend tell me once, you guys are different. Your kids are home with you way more than any family I know with teenagers, and that they go places with you and WANT to go with you. That is different.

My kids don't even fight me going to church. Believe it or not. Never once has anyone gotten up on a Sunday morning and said, no, I don't FEEL like going and then we have to rant to get them in the car. It is their decision, and we have never had force anything. They look forward to it, as do Carl and I. It is where we get refreshed after those long hard weeks living the day to day life.

Morally, I feel I am in an uphill battle of sorts. No sex before marriage? What are you crazy???? Wait for you future husband? That is just plain nuts. Be with only 1 man? Crazy. Absolutely Crazy. Get married young? You are really nuts and weird. Yes, you can go to college and be married. I did it. And I don't regret a minute of it, call me different. Being married at all seems to be a strange idea in a world where having children does not require a father, or a mother, in some cases. And to one person, at times when you don't even like them, agree with them, and even wonder, What The Heck Was I Thinking, moments. But you stay together anyway, realizing this season of questioning will pass into a Season of WOW I am SOOOO GLAD I STAYED TO SEE ALL THIS happen.

We go to church. I did mention this already! Yes, that is different. The church we go to is Very Different from the one I grew up in, and I LOVE IT! And we go to church as a family on a regular basis, and we serve and volunteer in the church we go to on a regular basis, even weirder by today's standards of fitting in God if He fits. I know, I am sounding judgmental, and I really don't mean to. It just isn't the point of why I am writing any of this. The point is, most of the time I feel we are swimming upstream. WE don't fit in with the norm. What we say, how we pray before we eat, that we read the Bible, the moral fiber we are weaving into our kids. Just Doesn't Fit In with this world. And it is Hard Some days. Just Plain Hard. People may read this and think, well, you don't WANT to fit in. Okay, yes, I know this in my head, but on days like these, it is a very hard choice, even for this adult who gets to stay in her house when she is having One Of Those Hard Days. And today is one of those days. Thats all.

So, in conclusion, here's to all my friends who are swimming upstream, are out of the norm, and teaching their kids that this is perfectly okay, and sometimes challenging.Blessings of every kind!
Love, Julie

Mommy Goes to the Play Place

I have returned to the land of the Play Place at McDonalds.

Been away for a long time, approximately 10 years. It was one of the places that saved my sanity when the girls were little. I met 3 other Moms during my Lamaze class while prego with Kristen, we all bonded, and ended up making Fridays our days at the Old Town Play Place. I loved these women. I still do. I still keep in contact with all of them. We all now have 17 year old fall birthday daughters, and oh yes, we get the cool and limited time we have left.

I was at the Play Place on Broadway this past Friday. Daniel will ask each day as we pass McDonalds as we bring Kristen to school, Mom, play place today??? Please??? Please, Play Place??? I prefer outdoor play in the woods, however, with all the rain, of course, I will say yes. The coffee is only a $1, and is quite good with xtra cream & xtra sugar.

This Friday, a harried Grandmother entered the room after her grandson burst into the play place. She dropped her tray, looking completely dejected. I was sitting at another table across from her. I had seen her in here one other day, and yes, her grandson is a tornado. Daniel loves the excitement of this new "friend" I will call John. John is very exuberant to say the least. I was thinking, what a handful for this poor woman. He called to Daniel, remembering his name from the other day, smart little boy. Daniel had told him what his name was, and he understood Daniel and remembered. They proceeded up the steps to go down the slide. Then ran about in the room next to it that has a smaller musical slide. John is a very "handy" boy. He likes to poke and hug. He decided to lay on top of Daniel and hug his neck. Daniel did not quite know what to make of this, but simple said "Momma???" I came over and said

"I just LOVE the way you are enjoying playing with Daniel, John. He really enjoys you so much. You are so exciting. I would like you to get off Daniel and play on the slide." He got off Daniel, and they went to the slide.

This is what proceeded.
The grandmother felt the need to talk to me about her grandson. She told me of his difficult 3 years of life. She and the other grandmother were sole providers of care for John. She was overwhelmed, tired from it all, but loved her grandson. She said to me at one point, I usually never talk to anyone about this.
This is where I stop and get very emotional, it brings tear to my eyes.

Guess What?

There are people out there hurting. If I had chosen to isolate myself in my little house, I would have never met this woman and her grand child. If I was a Mom who thought, oh, my precious son cannot have anything to do with such an unruly sort, I would have missed out on the opportunity to listen. If I had gotten up in a huff because a little bit of rough housing and left, I would have missed out on John's story.

The next time we are in a public place, before we judge a child's behaviour, just wait.
Don't assume anything.
Offer a helping hand or understanding smile or a  kind re-direction.
Why is it we think if our child misbehaves it is a result of his/her peer group, yet, if they are "well behaved" we take the credit? The thought came to my mind this day,

If my son's going to be affected negatively by a simple hour or two a week when he gets to play with others?

Well, then, I am raising a prince. PLEASE.

I WANT  him to be affected by his environment.
I WANT him to learn at an early age to love others.
I WANT him to see the needs around him and respond with loving kindness.
I WANT him to know how to be a friend.

He cannot learn to do this if I never take him out of our little protected world at The Robbins Nest.
I think a 2 year old is fully capable of loving others.
And so is his mother.
And so are his sisters.
And so is his Daddy, who gets to teach and love teenagers for a living.

Here's to more real life at the Play Place with Mommy.  So glad I get to return and learn.

Oh, and the sausage breakfast burritos for $1 aren't bad either with a little salsa and sour cream!

:) Love, as always from the Nest.
Hugs, Julie :)

This girl has had to "die" many times.

Ewwww. Death. How gruesome. How can you say you have "died" and you are still walking and breathing? Proverbial, baby, proverbial.

When I was 19 I was hot to trot. Yes, I WAS. VERY, if I do say so myself. I wore the curly longish hair quite well. Those sparkling blue eyes, and the Brooke Sheilds eyebrows. If you are so young you don't know who Brooke Sheilds is, I feel bad for you. She was the fashion icon of the day, and I tried to emulate her.

When I was 21 I got married, and the first death occurred. (I loved the man I married the best, however......)
The death of the single lady who loved male attention. Now, this was probably the hardest death by far. I loved men. Let me rephrase that, I loved male attention. Could not get enough. It filled my Daddy hole like nothing else. It was what made me smile. I was charming. I was a flirt. I had a very dear former bf say to me, why would you marry him when you have known me your whole life? What were you thinking? I be thinking he paid attention to me and asked me friend, thats what I be thinkin'. But, the flirt had to die. I would LOVE to tell you that happened the instant I said "I do", but I would be lying. I would like to tell you it happened by the end of the first year of my marriage, but, again, I would be lying. I am proof that no one is 100% faithful, ever. Fortunately, in the midst of this death, my husband loved me so much, and that single lady has been put to rest.

The second death occurred on 10/10/95. The lady who was married without children died. She became a Mother, and said husband, became a Father. They both died, and became new people on this day. The first year after this beautiful, wonderful blessing was filled with all sorts of death. Death of an income. Death of a house, (we moved into an apartment to shave costs), Death of the familiar, (We moved to Milo Maine, East of Nowhere, just north of why the heck would ANYONE in their right mind want to live there) Death of 2 very selfish people who had done their own thing for 9 years.

The third death occurred on 11/26/97. The Mother with only 1 child died, and became the Mother of 2. A Whole Different Story. I remember bring #2 home, laying her in her bassinet upstairs in our very tiny house, and hearing through the grate in the kitchen that led the bedroom, a mewing sound. Almost like a kitten. I thought, that sounds weird. I went upstairs to find Girl #1 had jumped from the bed, into the bassinet and was riding Baby #2 like a horse. Death of being an only for Girl #1. Her mother, who had worshiped the ground she had walked on,  picked her up and tossed onto the bed and told #1, in a screaming voice, unlike she had never heard, "LEAVE HER (#2) ALONE!". Don't ever underestimate the change a second child will bring into your home. If you do, you are a bigger fool than I was. I never knew about "dying". I never considered what a change it would be.

(For those of you who don't like the word "dying" or "death" think of the words "letting go of".)

The 4th death occurred on 6/30/10. We were no longer a family of 4. We all had to die. Again, the death of an income. The death of music lessons. The death of going out to eat at the drop of a hat. The death of our trip to Florida that year. The death of self, thinking we could do all, spend all, be all, go everywhere without a thought, thinking we somehow had control of it all. All Gone. All Dead. I remember one morning as I was getting ready to go to work, I began to cry. Carl said, whats up? What have I done in my selfishness to want more? want another baby? Our life is over as we know it. Have I asked too much of everyone? Too much accepting of my longing? My selfishness for more? What have I asked everyone else to give up??? As only Carl can do, he hugged me. Assured me this will be the best yet. The best is yet to come. Its okay. It really is okay. His assurance and encouraging spirit in the midst of my insanity of emotion is our glue.

There are more "deaths" that will be happening, but I choose not to focus on them. Because, I don't want to see dead people. I don't want to predict anything. I want to see the here and now. I want to embrace the letting go that has happened. It makes me healthy. It makes me realize that with each new death, a new season of growth has occurred.

It takes winter to bring us spring.

It takes darkness to help us see the stars.

It takes the dusk to bring us the morning sun.

I had a friend once say to me Chaos always proceeded much needed changes in his life. I have thought about that often. At times these "deaths" seemed unbearable. I am not that strong I would say. Oh Yes You Are. I would hear. I made you. I preordained your days. I know your coming and going. Your beginning and your end. You Can do it and You Will.

Living in the here. Not trying to bring the past back to life. Its gone.

The daily renewed Julie is here.

Living out her days and realizing how miraculous it all Can Be.

The sooner I accepted these "deaths" the quicker I began to grow. Spring came quicker. The sun feels warmer. The leaves on the trees are brighter as I hike through the woods as a result of "death #4". Oh so many good things happen when we let things go, and live in the here.

So Many Good & Perfect & Right Things.

Blessed by the Letting Go.

Love to all from me!

Help Me...

I totally horrified both my daughters yesterday.
Why is so hilarious to me when I have horrified them with something I find outrageously funny?
I picked them up at school yesterday. I had made an agreement with Kristen to help her accrue more driving time she could drive to and from school each day. As I got into the passenger side of the van, her cross country coach gave ME the thumbs up. I love her coach.( I have decided one of my son in laws must have his personality.) Something struck me at that moment. As both the coaches were still looking at me and smiling, I put both hands on my side window and mouthed "Help Me!!!" They started laughing. I am laughing even now. What came over me? I have these random moments of humor that only I find funny. I seriously need moments like these to break up the insanity, the true nervousness I feel driving with a teenager. Both the girls were, MOM how could you do that? You are so weird! HOW inappropriate! and on and on and on down Broadway. I could not stop laughing. I just couldn't, which made it worse.

What they may not realize is I have had many moments of "HELP ME" since the moment of their conceptions.
Help me not to worry this one (pregnancy) won't last.
Help me to not loose it if there is no heartbeat.
Help me to endure this miscarriage, and yes, they do hurt.
Help me not to toss someone out the window.
Help me to make it until Daddy gets home so I can take off to Timberhouse and have a quiet dinner by myself.
Help me to pay these mounting bills.
Help Me to not want to leave.
Help me to deal with the craziness I call and love as my family.
Help me not to hate those who have abandoned me.
Help Me not to say the wrong things, and do anyway.
Help me to allow for independence, but know when to nurture.
Help me to get this meal done.
Help Me to clean this house.
Help me to make it to this soccer game, and I don't and I feel guilty.

Yes, Help Me Lord. I cannot possibly make it through this life without you. And on the days that I neglect being grateful for that which you have helped me with, Forgive me.

Forgive me kids when I embarrass you. Because I will continue to.
Forgive me kids when I cling too tightly, when I still want to kiss and hug and cuddle with you.
Forgive me kids when I miss something because I am unfocussed and selfish.
Forgive me when I say things I should not say, and know I will give you opportunity to live out of forgiveness and mercy and grace.

But, I love you. And No One on this Earth (besides Daddy) will love you as much as me. No One.
I care, I love, and You are totally All wanted. Always.
My nest is blessed by the craziness that all this parenting brings.

Love, to the 3 best kids ever,
Mommy

I am still an Approval Seeker.

I am one of these women who hoped with age my need for others approval would have diminished.
I thought, I do what I want, I hold the convictions I hold because I believe they are true, I make choices based on experience, what has worked for me and what hasn't.

I felt at age 44 I am quite an evolved person.

Sigh.

Why is it I need constant humbling and reminding that oh yes, I still have this need to master.

I went to my yearly physical. I woke up dreading it. Not for the usual reasons you may think women don't like their yearly physical, like the intrusive nature of the physical, for instance. I woke up dreading it because I did not want to get on the scale. That weight. That horrible reminder to myself, in a number, that I am not what I used to be. That I can barely maintain what I am. That I am "loosing the battle".

That Number.

I was hoping that from Bangor to Brewer I might loose 25 pounds somewhere. Nope, didn't happen.

So, as I sit there and the doctor comes in, we begin what I call "the warm chatter" before we get really friendly. And she asks me, Is there anything You want to talk about?

I sigh. I hate the fact I am so shallow.

I really hate that number on the scale. I really do. I am exercising. I told her all about my 3 mile running. I tell her I don't eat snacks, I dont eat after 6 p.m. I don't. And still...I am loosing this battle.

She asks me, is the baby sleeping all night?
Sheepishly I say no. He still wakes up. I go into this long explaination about how we did not want to do the Ferber method again, we hate to let him cry, we are just too sensative. I simply go to him, nurse him, he never wakes up, I know, bad mommy. She says when I am done my dialogue, Julie, I am in no way asking this question to judge you. I just want you to know that interupted sleep disturbs your oxy-something levels,(all I remember of the name) which would acct. for your lack of weight loss. OHHHH, I said. Its perfectly fine what you are doing.

You are nursing? Yes, I know, I am a hippie Mom. I have thought about weaning him, and have let nature take its course, sometimes he does, sometimes he goes all day. But he loves it, and I love it, and I love nursing an older baby. He will say, Mamma, dee, dee chair. He calls it "Dee", or "Dee, dinosaur bed, and he is so cute about it, and I love how I can actual tell how much he loves it. That sounds absolutely sweet, Julie, and I would not say no to him either. Again, I am not asking to make a judgement against you.

Are you getting the picture? Dr. Eyere sure was. And so did I. I was assuming she was passing judgement AGAINST what I was doing. I felt the need to explain myself, and I rambled on and on and on. And finally she said,
Julie. Now is Not The Time to be worrying about your weight. Absolutely Not The Time.
Now Is Not The Time.
Now
Is
Not
The
Time.
Not the time to worry? About? Anything I had just talked about. I was free.

Just Enjoy The Time.

I almost burst into tears right then and there. If I had known her any better, I would have. She had struck a nerve. A very raw one, several, actually.

Here I was trying to convince a doctor of my choices. Like I needed to win her over to my team or something. Team Get Up at Night, or Team Breastfeeding Older Children. Why did I want to win her over? I will tell you why. My own need for approval. If a doctor thought it was okay, it must be okay. Was it not enough that I was okay with it? Apparently not that day, or any other day, for that matter.

I also realized, as long as I want others approval, I will never be complete with my own choices.

I will never experience true peace if I am always looking to others to make me peaceful.

I drove away from that appointment wanting to cry more.

What had I been doing??? In my quest for approval. Doing things that didn't need to be done. Going places I didn't need to go. Being with people I don't need to be with? Saying things I don't need to say?

Perhaps all of that is true.

Perhaps I needed yesterday to remind me once again that it is okay to be wrong in everyone else's eyes, if I am at peace in my own.

My Own Mother Eyes that God gave specifically to me.

Much Love to all the Ladies in my Life Who Know and Do Enjoy The Time.

XO, Julie

Blessed in the Nest. Musings of a Runner????

I ran my 2 miles today. My 2 miles. How is this possible?

Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint."

There have been many things I have hoped for in this life I was given that started on
April 16th, 1968.

I remember hoping for a happy family. Hoping for a good husband, a teaching job, a nice home, lots of healthy children, good & kind & nurturing & smart teachers for my children. A good church. Friends to love me. All hoping.

Never once did I hope to run. Ever. For any reason. Even if a bear was chasing me. I would succumb. Let him eat me, I would accept my fate.

And then, last summer, I got it into my head to go to the track, drag Carl along, and run. I had given up going to the gym. Adding even 1 more early morning hour to my day was just not a choice I was willing to make, so tootles my 5a.m. mornings at Planet Fitness. We ran last summer and me with the baby jogger and Daniel inside through part of the fall. Now again, at the track.

Today I was by myself. Something this time around has cause somewhere inside me to recognize when I begin to run "in my own strength". I want to quit every time. I started out that way this morning. I was the only one there at the track. After lap 2, I was thinking, how can I do 6 more laps? I don't really want to be here, its muggy, close, my water is warm. And that is when it hit me. Julie, you are doing this in your own strength. Renew your strength in ME, the Creator of YOU. So I shift my focus, my thoughts, my energy. And I keep running. 

So, this running thing, just like my marriage thing, and my parenting thing, and my teaching/leading/volunteering thing I do. I have learned a lesson this summer.

There are ways to not get weary or be faint. For real. And I am not talking about taking an extra nap or coffee break or even getting that 6 to 8 hours of sleep you THINK you need. I don't get any of that. And, I don't have the expectation that I will.

But, here's the thing, the most important thing,

When I remember and focus on where I claim to get my strength from:
God, the Creator of all hopes realized, and I stay focused on the blessings of this life, I don't need to be weary or faint. I can soar,
I can run, I can walk anywhere, make it through any situation that comes my way: kid, financial, sleep deprived, anything. Total Truth from the One Who Loves Me Best.

I don't think someone watching me would label me an eagle, an eagle who goes soaring around the track at Cohen Middle School. But in the internal, the deep, the Julie heart that beats for hope and a new day,
that girl is Soaring.
And when SHE changes her focus from herself, it takes only a second to keep on going.
Completing the tasks of the day that have been chosen specifically for her.

I can almost say I love running. I sure hope Louise Cunningham reads this!!!

Love to all, and All my 40 something friends who are doing this new thing called running!!!

Julie Robbins
Chief  Co-Executive of The Nest