This week has been a highly emotional one.
The time after our idylic April vacation and now are always something like a race to the finish. That last 6+ weeks left of school goes like a flash, and we narrowly escape the crazy. All of us are on edge by the end of finals week, AP testing, Paying for AP testing, a second SAT test taken, end of year parties, events, school trips, and grading, oh the grading. And its certainly NOT over yet. I would say, honestly, August 9th will begin our summer, but I will not bore you with all the details that lead up to that.
Last year this time I was saying, oh, just get me to the other side of July 11th, and I will be fine. Not because I wanted to breeze through my eldest's wedding, but that the planning involved at times was overwhelming, but, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be able to do it.
Just Gotta Let Go.
I cried several times this week.
It happened one night after simply the 5 us sat eating dinner together. Carl, myself, Kristen, Elizabeth, and Daniel. Even now as I write this, I have tears. It went by fast. This dissemination of our Fab 5. 2 years ago, I had no idea how fast it would go to 6, and now 7, and now 8, as of November 20th, 2015!
I have held onto the idea that I have led my children, not told them what to do. I can actually HEAR my husband laughing. I call it proactive, he calls it bossy. I have always been about giving choices. I have parented each of my children completely differently. The 2 things they all have in common is that they were birthed from my body, and breast fed forEVER. (slight exaggeration, but yah know. I am prone to a wee bit o' drama).
I have long held to the philosophy that my kids don't belong to me. They belong to God. God thought it was a good thing to bless me with them, and I have awaken each day desiring to do my best with God's help, and Carl's, to raise these 3. I even recently apologized to one of my daughters saying, I will say I'm sorry in advance, because I could be wrong about this, but this is what I am feeling led to tell you. And her response? I could be wrong too, Mom, but we prayed, and agreed that we will ask for Grace to see us through our thoughts and actions. Just doing our best at any given moment.
I have let my kids go.
I have also become less nervous with my son as I am mucho older, a bit tired, and not so sure that my constant "guidance" is actually necessary to create a wonderful human. Some how, despite my days of overwhelm with 2 babies, these girls turned into fine young ladies, able to grasp some pretty big spiritual concepts that only, like 5 years ago I delved into. I was recently talking to my daughter who said to me, Mom, without God, I seriously could not have made it through this year. And went on to having this very real and raw conversation with me. I was honored. My other girl talked about her understanding of the Bible like a scholar to me, and I was simply amazed. This is not because Carl and I spend oodles of time discipling them in any way. Oh yes, we do loads of family stuff together, we do pray with them, on occasion, at the dinner table, etc, are always available to talk to, but its their journey, and I get to be included and I have made myself open and accepting to the raw of real conversing.
They have made their own decisions.
I don't feel the need to agree with all of them. Because I have learned, am learning,
Gotta Let Them Go.
And, my kids are wonderful humans. No need to worry, EVER. (Did you hear that self? )
I have a good friend that will regularly remind me, Julie, what were you like at 17, 18, 21? I think about that for a minute and realize, oh my, my kids are way better than I was, WAY BETTER. LOL They have made so many good decisions that did not even cross my mind at those ages. I would like to think I played a small part, but
I had to let them Go.
It started around 4th grade I think. They started to pick what sports they wanted to do. They picked what instruments they wanted to play. They picked their friends. They picked what programs in school they wanted to participate in. They did their own homework. They packed their own backpacks and lunches. It had to begin some where.
As they went into middle school, they decided how hard they wanted to work, what grades mattered to them. And high school. well, I can honestly say I have NEVER cked their grades on the school program. Never. That's their job. I cannot even barely tell you what classes they have taken, unless we have discussed it. They have had to manage conflict with peers, teachers, and teammates. I have never once called a parent about anything. I stay OUT.
I have learned along the way to let go.
They chose when they wanted to date, who they wanted to date, when they wanted to marry. They decided where they wanted to go for college and what their course of study will be. I am so excited to see where daughter #2 ends up in a year. I have an idea, but guess what? She's in charge of all that. Not me.
If you decide to raise independent children. I have a little advice.
They won't always think like you do. But don't worry about that.
They will not always do what you tell them. but don't worry about that either.
They may not make it home by curfew. You could worry a bit about that, but 15 mins late really is no biggie.
They will do things that turn your hair gray, and then you color it. and say, remember God? they belong to you. and I trust YOU more.
I can whole heartedly say I am proud of my kids. I am proud of the way they treat others. Proud of the way they love others. Proud of the way they have chosen to live their lives, despite, at times, my crazy that has entered the mix.
I have let them Go.
My last one will be going to Kindergarten in the fall. You may not want to see me at the school playground that day. It might get a little messy.......but, I Gotta Let this one go, TOO.
Love to One and all,
Love to Kristen, Elizabeth, and Daniel.
Love to Lucas and Nick
Love to my sweet little baby to be!!! Coming soon on Nov 20th, or somewhere, there abouts. I will be ready and waiting with open arms.
XO, Julie
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Lets Stop Pretending.
I have hesitated to write about this because I know it has always been a sensitive topic for me, and well, I have always cared so much what people think. Its my little battle that I have to deal with on a regular basis. I would love to tell you I have completely overcome the need to please, but then God gave me children, so pleasing my children, wanting them to be happy only added to the need to hide things about myself I saw as less than perfect. Its not anyones fault, ever, but my own choices.
I was raised conservatively. I had loads of rules that were seen as useful protection. In theory, there was nothing wrong with my Mom saying to me that I had a curfew. Or that she wanted me to double date until I was 17 and a junior in high school. Or that Jesus was in the back seat of the car when she was not. (that actually worked until I met Carl. LOL) I mean, doesn't everyone want to image of Jesus watching their makeout session????? or that lovely statement "What would Jesus do?" well, I am not sure Jesus got to make out with anyone or get married or have sex, so I am really not so sure.
I had sex before I was married.
I only recently confessed this tearfully to my daughter.
and then my other daughter learned of it.
and it was a big deal.
But not for the reasons you would think.
Pride had kept me silent.
The need to be perfect in this very conservative, ultra condemning of myself, adherence that was not at all realistic for me, need to please person, had me holding back the truth.
Why????
Fear of rejection?
Fear of condemnation?
Fear of being seen as less than?? (now that was a biggie)
Fear of being "imperfect"?
All of the above.
I saw myself as tarnished because of what I had been taught. I was not willing to forgive myself, carrying around useless guilt. USELESS!!!!!! Listening to what I consider "crazy talk" now of living this "pure" life, like somehow you can become "less than" in God's eyes because of your behavior. Yes, I bought all that, hook, line and sinker.
Yes, some people, some how, can adhere to all these strict rules. I could not. Sorry, that was just me.
But what I want to say is.
Sex before marriage did not ruin my marriage, my attitudes and shame almost did.
Sex before marriage did not make our union any less special on that "wedding night", in fact, it made it less scary. WE actually knew what we were doing, and it was fun.
Sex before marriage did not make us love each other any less.
Sex before marriage did not ruin either of us. We simply weren't crossed eyed before we were able to get married.
People ruin their marriages by selfishness, not sex.
Now, I know this will make some people completely crazy. Because, like the former me. you believe there is some magic bullet to having the perfect marriage that will stand the test of time. Sex is not the magic bullet. There will be times in your marriage you will have no sex at all (6 weeks approx. after giving birth, now thats a true bummer). Being selfish, unfaithful, rotten, mean, angry, saying unkind words, now that will screw your marriage over, but not sex. Oh, I have read all the crazy stats. and I wonder, oh really? Because the last time I cked, 85% of christians have sex before marriage, and I believe the other 13% are lying about it for the above mentioned reasons.
Congratulations for that 2% that can do it. I am truly serious about that congrats! But, newsflash. That does not make you better than anyone else, it simply means you made a choice, a different choice than me. That's all. No Guilt Required for either of us.
I share this not to get a bunch of feedback, or "good job" for being honest, but to break the unbearable silence that surrounds sex. You are not damaged goods because you had sex. God loves you whether you are having sex or not. No one is better than anyone else. No One. Silence and Shame go hand in hand. There is no need for it.
Some would argue there are clear guidelines in scripture about this. Please don't send them to me. Because the last time I checked we all do a really good job of making a mockery of just about everything God has made good. And, when Eve was presented to Adam, God said, Hey Adam, here's your wife. Hey Eve, here's the man (of your dreams, I am so sure she thought this.). It was simply God, Adam, & Eve. that's it. They acknowledged each other, God acknowledged their union, and it was a done deal, consummating the commitment. I have to wonder why we make it so difficult for people. We make sex weird. We make relationships weird. God did not make this difficult, we did.
And so, I am all about making this life God has blessed me with less weird, less difficult to live in, more abundantly flowing with Grace, Love, and Acceptance for all. For Real.
No More Guilt on this Girl.
No More.
Love to you all,
Julie
I was raised conservatively. I had loads of rules that were seen as useful protection. In theory, there was nothing wrong with my Mom saying to me that I had a curfew. Or that she wanted me to double date until I was 17 and a junior in high school. Or that Jesus was in the back seat of the car when she was not. (that actually worked until I met Carl. LOL) I mean, doesn't everyone want to image of Jesus watching their makeout session????? or that lovely statement "What would Jesus do?" well, I am not sure Jesus got to make out with anyone or get married or have sex, so I am really not so sure.
I had sex before I was married.
I only recently confessed this tearfully to my daughter.
and then my other daughter learned of it.
and it was a big deal.
But not for the reasons you would think.
Pride had kept me silent.
The need to be perfect in this very conservative, ultra condemning of myself, adherence that was not at all realistic for me, need to please person, had me holding back the truth.
Why????
Fear of rejection?
Fear of condemnation?
Fear of being seen as less than?? (now that was a biggie)
Fear of being "imperfect"?
All of the above.
I saw myself as tarnished because of what I had been taught. I was not willing to forgive myself, carrying around useless guilt. USELESS!!!!!! Listening to what I consider "crazy talk" now of living this "pure" life, like somehow you can become "less than" in God's eyes because of your behavior. Yes, I bought all that, hook, line and sinker.
Yes, some people, some how, can adhere to all these strict rules. I could not. Sorry, that was just me.
But what I want to say is.
Sex before marriage did not ruin my marriage, my attitudes and shame almost did.
Sex before marriage did not make our union any less special on that "wedding night", in fact, it made it less scary. WE actually knew what we were doing, and it was fun.
Sex before marriage did not make us love each other any less.
Sex before marriage did not ruin either of us. We simply weren't crossed eyed before we were able to get married.
People ruin their marriages by selfishness, not sex.
Now, I know this will make some people completely crazy. Because, like the former me. you believe there is some magic bullet to having the perfect marriage that will stand the test of time. Sex is not the magic bullet. There will be times in your marriage you will have no sex at all (6 weeks approx. after giving birth, now thats a true bummer). Being selfish, unfaithful, rotten, mean, angry, saying unkind words, now that will screw your marriage over, but not sex. Oh, I have read all the crazy stats. and I wonder, oh really? Because the last time I cked, 85% of christians have sex before marriage, and I believe the other 13% are lying about it for the above mentioned reasons.
Congratulations for that 2% that can do it. I am truly serious about that congrats! But, newsflash. That does not make you better than anyone else, it simply means you made a choice, a different choice than me. That's all. No Guilt Required for either of us.
I share this not to get a bunch of feedback, or "good job" for being honest, but to break the unbearable silence that surrounds sex. You are not damaged goods because you had sex. God loves you whether you are having sex or not. No one is better than anyone else. No One. Silence and Shame go hand in hand. There is no need for it.
Some would argue there are clear guidelines in scripture about this. Please don't send them to me. Because the last time I checked we all do a really good job of making a mockery of just about everything God has made good. And, when Eve was presented to Adam, God said, Hey Adam, here's your wife. Hey Eve, here's the man (of your dreams, I am so sure she thought this.). It was simply God, Adam, & Eve. that's it. They acknowledged each other, God acknowledged their union, and it was a done deal, consummating the commitment. I have to wonder why we make it so difficult for people. We make sex weird. We make relationships weird. God did not make this difficult, we did.
And so, I am all about making this life God has blessed me with less weird, less difficult to live in, more abundantly flowing with Grace, Love, and Acceptance for all. For Real.
No More Guilt on this Girl.
No More.
Love to you all,
Julie
Friday, May 15, 2015
Don't Sweat the small stuff.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
If I could pick one of the many over used phrases, it would be this one. But, albeit overused, much truth abounds in this one phrase.
What is "small stuff"?
I have a pretty jaded of view of what small stuff might be. I was raised by someone who saw equal value in everything. Now, when that comes to people, seeing people equally, well, that's a good thing. However, seeing a car crash and someone being 5 minutes late as two situation that receive the same high drama and response? not so much.
To give myself some rope to hang myself with, I do believe over time I have seen the differences between small stuff and important stuff. I also respect the fact that my important stuff and small stuff may differ from yours, but lets go at it.
Small stuff, no response needed
1. I do not get immediate acknowledgement upon entering a room.
2. I am 5 to 10 mins late for something other than a funeral, wedding, work, or school.
3. My birthday is forgotten by my friends.
4. I am not complimented on a brand new outfit when walking into a room.
5. I don't receive praise for every meal I cook.
6. Socks and underwear are left on the floor.
7. Dishes are not done.
8. I have to wait for someone for longer than 10 minutes, even if they don't have a "good" reason.
9. The sky is cloudy.
10. A joke is made, that I don't understand
This list could go on and on and on, right?
But one of the things I have learned over time that I heard from a very dear friend was that there is no need to get offended. I remember the first time I heard him say it, I was like "WHAT"? But as we talked about it further, I began to see that offenses, most of them, stem from "small stuff".
You didn't acknowledge me the way I thought you should have.
I do more for you than you do for me.
I spent more on you for Christmas than you spent on me.
I have attended more of your events than you attended mine.
I say I love you first.
I leave the car clean, you don't.
I act more lovey dovey than you do.
Whenever we keep score in any relationship, someone will ALWAYS come up short.
I can sense when I am keeping score. I become dissatisfied. Disengaged. Looking for the other person to say or do something stupid or wrong. In my humble opinion of course.
And then I am reminded.
Love keeps NO RECORDS. NONE.
So, for today, as a reminder, the slate is wiped clean. CLEAN.
I will NOT sweat the small stuff.
GAh, from Julie
If I could pick one of the many over used phrases, it would be this one. But, albeit overused, much truth abounds in this one phrase.
What is "small stuff"?
I have a pretty jaded of view of what small stuff might be. I was raised by someone who saw equal value in everything. Now, when that comes to people, seeing people equally, well, that's a good thing. However, seeing a car crash and someone being 5 minutes late as two situation that receive the same high drama and response? not so much.
To give myself some rope to hang myself with, I do believe over time I have seen the differences between small stuff and important stuff. I also respect the fact that my important stuff and small stuff may differ from yours, but lets go at it.
Small stuff, no response needed
1. I do not get immediate acknowledgement upon entering a room.
2. I am 5 to 10 mins late for something other than a funeral, wedding, work, or school.
3. My birthday is forgotten by my friends.
4. I am not complimented on a brand new outfit when walking into a room.
5. I don't receive praise for every meal I cook.
6. Socks and underwear are left on the floor.
7. Dishes are not done.
8. I have to wait for someone for longer than 10 minutes, even if they don't have a "good" reason.
9. The sky is cloudy.
10. A joke is made, that I don't understand
This list could go on and on and on, right?
But one of the things I have learned over time that I heard from a very dear friend was that there is no need to get offended. I remember the first time I heard him say it, I was like "WHAT"? But as we talked about it further, I began to see that offenses, most of them, stem from "small stuff".
You didn't acknowledge me the way I thought you should have.
I do more for you than you do for me.
I spent more on you for Christmas than you spent on me.
I have attended more of your events than you attended mine.
I say I love you first.
I leave the car clean, you don't.
I act more lovey dovey than you do.
Whenever we keep score in any relationship, someone will ALWAYS come up short.
I can sense when I am keeping score. I become dissatisfied. Disengaged. Looking for the other person to say or do something stupid or wrong. In my humble opinion of course.
And then I am reminded.
Love keeps NO RECORDS. NONE.
So, for today, as a reminder, the slate is wiped clean. CLEAN.
I will NOT sweat the small stuff.
GAh, from Julie
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Anniversary: 26 Years and Counting
I remember the day I got engaged to Carl. I had an idea it might just happen, but did not know the exact date or time, so I was not expecting his proposal. He came to a camp I was working at, had previously gotten the permission of my parents, and we went for a walk. We walked to the end of the cabins and suddenly he got on one knee and popped the question "Will You Marry Me?" of course, I answered "YES!", cried a bit, and we made our way back to the crowd that already knew what was going on, receiving big congratulations from everyone.
We got married the following May. May 20th, 1989. 26 years ago. I was a ball of nerves, Carl, always jovial and cool as a cucumber. He lost one of his contact lenses the night before the wedding, did not have another pair, and was blind in one eye, could barely see to light the unity candle. Oh yes, always something. We had the great idea to memorize part of our vows. Really? why didn't some wise old person say, um, you won't be able to remember anything, let alone some vows you didn't even write. Its a very sweet wedding video to watch. My daughters commented on the video one time after they watched it and said, MOM that is NOT YOU. YOU were a mouse. You barely can hear your voice and you seem so timid. That's not OUR MOTHER> I was sweet, and pretty, and thats what Carl says made up for my high maintenance nature in the early years. LOL. My friend Kristie has put the wedding video into dvd form. We'll have to watch it again with the family sometime soon.
Some of the things I loved about Carl.
1. His blue eyes
2. His ability to carry on an intelligent conversation.
3. He was able to relate and get along with anyone.
4. I LOVED how smart he was. LOVED IT.
5. He made me laugh, ALOT.
6. Phenomenal Kisser
7. I loved how I felt when I was with him. I had never felt that way before, ever. It was intoxicating, overwhelming, and just wonderful.
8. I could not wait to see him. Morning, Noon, or Night. Could Not Wait.
9. I loved riding on the back of his motorcycle
10. I loved the way he treated me, his thoughtful cards and roses.
Some of the things I love about him now?
Re-read 1 through 10.
Some more things?
11. He is a wonderful father.
12. He is a great provider.
13. He is wise and we can think and grow and change our ideas about life together.
14. He's a great father-in-law. loves his new son.
15. He's a brilliant math teacher.
16. His spirit is never completely discouraged, still sees the silver lining to everything.
17. He has a heart I can relate to when it comes to the God stuff.
18. I know he prays for me.
19. He talks me down off my hormonal, weird, sleepless night, cliffs, with a hug, telling me "its going to be alright, dear, please don't cry. you ARE doing a great job."
20. He likes me.
So, as we enter into this 27th year together of marriage, 26 years behind us, I enter it with the excitement of the things to come. A lot can happen in a year. A lot has happened in a year. I simply cannot wait to share it all with you.
I love you.
Happy Anniversary. and To Many More.
Your Jewel.
Completely Transparent
I spent numerous late night hours conversing with these lovelies and I came to several conclusions.
The ability to share my heart and soul with someone, even when contrary to my former beliefs, or when I am questioning my current beliefs, or am truly seeking a wise word, and not fearing judgement, whether it be in a look, a voiced view, or a gesture, is something I so long for.
I crave it.
I also realized while this family was here how often I sensor myself.
I could make a list of all the things I sensor, but who needs to know all that.
I know that may sound really strange to some of you who have been in my home or who have known me for years, but I do. I sensor what I say based on the reaction I perceive I may receive. This is the plight of most people pleasers. I recently told my Wednesday night ladies group how unfaithful I find myself at times. I also recently listened to a sermon and walked away and said, nope, I simply can't do that. I don't have it in me anymore, so be it.
I have recently been doing a study on the Beatitudes and when it came to the discussion on Mercy, I realized that I was a very merciful person. That my reaction to ones life choices of any kind is mercy, whether or not I have previously believed in that choice or not. Its irrelevant to me, I will be merciful, understanding, offer encouragement, because I know what it feels like to be on the other side of mercy. I read the whole area of scripture and it says those who are merciful will receive mercy. Good thing, because I am beginning to believe I am going to need a whole lot of it.
I have often jokingly said, If people really knew what I was thinking I would have very few friends.
Can I tell you that on any given day I change my mind?
I would not technically call myself someone who is tossed by the waves, to and fro, but if I do not find something that I once believed as "truth" to be working, or I see no evidence of its "truth", its getting tossed.
I am down to bare bones at this point.
I think I am even scaring my husband.
I wonder a lot about what "truth" really is.
I was able to bear my soul to my lovely friends in my home, and it felt so good. And I even found out how my dear lovey dealt with something, and we both looked at each other and could SO RELATE.
It was like aloe on a burn. Refreshing. Soothing. Cooling, not abrasive. AHHHHHHH.
So I must say thank you publically to Terry Shipps and Leah Weiland for sharing their hearts with me. For listening to my heart without judgement. For lovingly giving advice in the wee hours of 1 a.m. and 2a.m. For being supportive. For being loving. I love you ladies more than you will probably ever know. I miss our times of church and Bible study together, where Carl and I were so ministered to and healed in your home. So Miss It. Nothing like a home church. Nothing.
I miss all my friends who have moved out of the state.
I would also encourage everyone to find a person to bare your soul to. To be raw with. To be 100% truthful with.
And I am so glad for the ones who are here who listen to me on a dime. I have the best therapists of all time.
I love you all.
Simply Overwhelmed by the right things today.
Julie
Monday, April 6, 2015
Nylons and Easter
And until now I had no idea that Easter was a pagan word.
Or Christmas.
I'm almost sure the only holy day left is the 4th of July. But I am so sure it will be desecrated at some point and the banning of fireworks will commence.
But, for me, its called Easter.
And it includes nylons.
As a child it was a big deal, this Easter event. I remember getting up in the morning and being excited about seeing my Easter basket. Somehow my mother always turned everything into Jesus, so having an Easter basket was part of Jesus. So it was legal, all that chocolate, treats, and peeps, was about Jesus somehow...Legally Easter.
As an adult, then becoming a parent, we have always had Easter baskets and got the girls dressed up in those cute dresses and of course, we all wore nylons. And I mean real nylons, the kind you pay far too much money for that rip 2 seconds into ANY event you choose to wear them to. oops, there goes the grocery budget, the girls just all got nylons.
Yesterday morning as I was getting ready, realizing I had only put a dress on a couple of times since last July when my eldest got married, I began wondering about all these traditions I had accumulated over the many years of marriage & parenting.
Some keepers I have decided upon.
My family. I love to spend time with my family. And I love spiral ham. So its a win/win.
Church. I happen to love my church. A quote that was shared that was meant to be funny by a comedian said that going to church on Easter only is like flossing 10 minutes before a dental appointment, neither do much good. At first I laughed, but then I began to think on this. If this holiday, along with Christmas, is the only time you go, well, GO. I have no idea what God may have for someone 1 or 2 times a year in church, just GO. Enjoy. Talk to people you don't normally see. I got a hug yesterday from a friend who sought me out. I sat in a row with my kids and husband. I had people sitting behind me that I talked to that I hadn't seen in years, and they had a better memory of the last time we spoke than I had. (getting too forgetful). I heard a great sermon, par usual of my pastor, but it was great, none the less. Just GO. So what if its only a couple times a year.
Chocolate of copious amounts, only to be banned the very next day.
Pictures of the day. My favorite this year? The one I chose as my cover photo on facebook.
The rest? all negotiable.
I love those that God continues to bring into our home, and I think this could have been considered one of our best Easters yet. and yes, I will continue to call it Easter, because well, that's what it was always called when I was growing up.
And, I am sure you all want to know, I am loosing the nylons. LOOSING. GONE. :)
Happy Spring.
Love, from our nest to yours.
Julie
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Absorption, Cost & Gain
When Carl and I first thought about having children he was the one who wanted to wait. He'd say, whats the hurry? Whose going to take care of said child when we have one while you are still in college? I am in college. We are young, we have plenty of time. I am def. NOT in a hurry, said Carl. I would go to all my dear friends apartments in Orono and to the family housing on campus at UMaine and come away from holding these precious babies wanting one. I was a mother without children for a long time before I gave birth.
We were married about 5 years when we deemed it a "good idea" to start "trying". hahaha. Hoping that the behavior we had been engaging in for quite some time would produce and bring forth fruit. The surprise of it all was that it did not. So we started taking temperatures, oui. and the likes of the task that was once spontaneous and enjoyable became methodical and deliriously upsetting when "the fruit" did not spring forth month after month after month. And even more gut wrenching was when, walah, the test for pregnancy came back positive, only to be thwarted by a miscarriage. Birth Denied.
I thought I would loose my mind, for real. Eventually, almost 2 years later from the initially endeavor of "bearing fruit", my girl Kristen Hope came into the world. Until I held her in my arms I really didn't believe it was going to happen. Giving Birth was an out of body experience. I simply could not fathom I was holding a human being that belonged to me.
I had no idea what parenting would hold for me. NONE. I was an educator. I had run a day care. I loved children. I taught Sunday School. I served at teen camps for years, working and counseling teenagers. I had worked with special needs children. I worked in a group home called Janus House for boys strait out of the Maine Youth Center. (got some stories from that job.)
But nothing prepared me for the emotional journey of parenthood.
My husband called me "The Marshmellow" this morning as I was leaving the house to go and pick up Elizabeth's boyfriend so they could have breakfast together. I said, oh, anything for love my dear, anything for love, you know that about me. And, put it on my grave stone. "The Marshmellow lies here."
I absorb emotions. That first cry Kristen let out, I put her to my breast to nurse and that is where she would stay for the next 18 months. I have no shame in that. Carl nicknamed me "The Nuk". My Mom would say, "Are you ever going to put her down?" To which I would respond. "No. I don't even know if she is real yet." I would carry both girls at the same time. How? I don't know. I did not have those crazy carrier things you wrap around your whole body. I just did it. I wanted my children close to me. If they cried, I sprung into action, absorbing those cries. I find no reason to ever apologize for that. Ever. My children have all been well loved, WELL LOVED. Their emotional needs met to the best of my ability. But everything comes with a cost, and parenting COSTS.
Parenting has cost me.
Even now as I write this I know I am weak. I admit it. I could cry, right now. Because the emotions I am absorbing at this point in the journey are far more intense than an infant crying out for mothers' milk. I could easily "fix" that cry. In an instant. No waiting for a lesson to be learned, or growth to occur, knowing that the journey to wholeness is going to take a lot longer than a hug and the consumption of a cookie, or watching a favorite program.
I think of the apostle Paul when he says, In my weakness you are made strong. Meaning that's when God becomes evident. When we feel "fine", or that everything is going "well", we lean on our own talents & strengths, forgetting the originator of those gifts.
My current prayer as I absorb the emotions of those around me is found in Ephesians. In my weakness one Sunday evening, when I was feeling as if the cost of parenting was simply too much, God led me here.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you(Elizabeth, Kristen, Daniel, Carl, Lucas, Nick, Julie, and others) with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you(E,K,D, C, L, N, J, and others) being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. NOW to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! AMEN." Ephesians 3:16-21.
I am weak. My desire to heal and mend and fix can be overwhelming. My need to get to the other side, not reside in the middle and wait out the storm, or learn the lesson, or WATCH the lesson unfolding before me in my loved ones lives brings my brain and emotions into places I do not need to tread at all. I can't live here, or camp out here in this place for long. I need to move into the strength that only God can provide on this parenting journey where there is no end in sight.
So, my parenting has cost me. Its also taught me to rely on the One who loves my family the best and the most.
Becoming a parent has brought me to places I never dreamed of. Its brought me to my knees because I am weak. Because I worry. Because I love so incredibly deep. I never knew I could love like this. Its brought me closer to God than I ever knew was possible. It has me searching for peace, creating moments of peace in my life I never needed when it was simply Carl&Julie.
So, instead of simply costing, I have gained. I have gained empathy, insight, wisdom, a yearning for God that was never there before children. A prayer life that was probably non existent before I knew someones life depended on it. And a constant reminder that in my weakness, He (God) shows up. Always. God always shows up, and God is always working. Even when I don't see it.
"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny" Psalm 73:24
My Elizabeth's life verse. Gods working. Always.
We all have a glorious destiny that God is working out right now in our favor. Take heart.
Love, Julie
We were married about 5 years when we deemed it a "good idea" to start "trying". hahaha. Hoping that the behavior we had been engaging in for quite some time would produce and bring forth fruit. The surprise of it all was that it did not. So we started taking temperatures, oui. and the likes of the task that was once spontaneous and enjoyable became methodical and deliriously upsetting when "the fruit" did not spring forth month after month after month. And even more gut wrenching was when, walah, the test for pregnancy came back positive, only to be thwarted by a miscarriage. Birth Denied.
I thought I would loose my mind, for real. Eventually, almost 2 years later from the initially endeavor of "bearing fruit", my girl Kristen Hope came into the world. Until I held her in my arms I really didn't believe it was going to happen. Giving Birth was an out of body experience. I simply could not fathom I was holding a human being that belonged to me.
I had no idea what parenting would hold for me. NONE. I was an educator. I had run a day care. I loved children. I taught Sunday School. I served at teen camps for years, working and counseling teenagers. I had worked with special needs children. I worked in a group home called Janus House for boys strait out of the Maine Youth Center. (got some stories from that job.)
But nothing prepared me for the emotional journey of parenthood.
My husband called me "The Marshmellow" this morning as I was leaving the house to go and pick up Elizabeth's boyfriend so they could have breakfast together. I said, oh, anything for love my dear, anything for love, you know that about me. And, put it on my grave stone. "The Marshmellow lies here."
I absorb emotions. That first cry Kristen let out, I put her to my breast to nurse and that is where she would stay for the next 18 months. I have no shame in that. Carl nicknamed me "The Nuk". My Mom would say, "Are you ever going to put her down?" To which I would respond. "No. I don't even know if she is real yet." I would carry both girls at the same time. How? I don't know. I did not have those crazy carrier things you wrap around your whole body. I just did it. I wanted my children close to me. If they cried, I sprung into action, absorbing those cries. I find no reason to ever apologize for that. Ever. My children have all been well loved, WELL LOVED. Their emotional needs met to the best of my ability. But everything comes with a cost, and parenting COSTS.
Parenting has cost me.
Even now as I write this I know I am weak. I admit it. I could cry, right now. Because the emotions I am absorbing at this point in the journey are far more intense than an infant crying out for mothers' milk. I could easily "fix" that cry. In an instant. No waiting for a lesson to be learned, or growth to occur, knowing that the journey to wholeness is going to take a lot longer than a hug and the consumption of a cookie, or watching a favorite program.
I think of the apostle Paul when he says, In my weakness you are made strong. Meaning that's when God becomes evident. When we feel "fine", or that everything is going "well", we lean on our own talents & strengths, forgetting the originator of those gifts.
My current prayer as I absorb the emotions of those around me is found in Ephesians. In my weakness one Sunday evening, when I was feeling as if the cost of parenting was simply too much, God led me here.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you(Elizabeth, Kristen, Daniel, Carl, Lucas, Nick, Julie, and others) with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you(E,K,D, C, L, N, J, and others) being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. NOW to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! AMEN." Ephesians 3:16-21.
I am weak. My desire to heal and mend and fix can be overwhelming. My need to get to the other side, not reside in the middle and wait out the storm, or learn the lesson, or WATCH the lesson unfolding before me in my loved ones lives brings my brain and emotions into places I do not need to tread at all. I can't live here, or camp out here in this place for long. I need to move into the strength that only God can provide on this parenting journey where there is no end in sight.
So, my parenting has cost me. Its also taught me to rely on the One who loves my family the best and the most.
Becoming a parent has brought me to places I never dreamed of. Its brought me to my knees because I am weak. Because I worry. Because I love so incredibly deep. I never knew I could love like this. Its brought me closer to God than I ever knew was possible. It has me searching for peace, creating moments of peace in my life I never needed when it was simply Carl&Julie.
So, instead of simply costing, I have gained. I have gained empathy, insight, wisdom, a yearning for God that was never there before children. A prayer life that was probably non existent before I knew someones life depended on it. And a constant reminder that in my weakness, He (God) shows up. Always. God always shows up, and God is always working. Even when I don't see it.
"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny" Psalm 73:24
My Elizabeth's life verse. Gods working. Always.
We all have a glorious destiny that God is working out right now in our favor. Take heart.
Love, Julie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)