I'm pushing Rewind, then Play............Remember the Good.

Most of us are looking for another chance to get something right. We desire a do over, a re-start, a new beginning, One More Chance to say it right, to be honest, to re-visit, or re-look, or hit the restore button on something we just deleted that we spent days, hours, weeks, possibly years, working on.

A job, a person, a scenario, is coming to your mind at this very moment.

I am an over thinker. I replay situations over in my mind just for fun. I try to remember what I said, how I felt, what I would do or say if I had another chance, how I could do the moment better....

Like there is somewhere better to get to, or somehow I could do life at that moment better. I almost laugh at this right now.

I just gave some advice to one of my loves by closing out the advice with

"from the Queen Of Over Thinking, Over Talking, Over Discussing. My advice? Let it Go...."

How hilarious is that???? Yup. I give great advice and follow none of it....LOL

I was teased recently about my wanderings to the beach. All in fun, not a second of cruelty, just that they were all wondering about it. Like, why? Why do you do that??

I'm trying to push Rewind.

I'm trying to Rewind in my mind while I am on my outings. I am alone most of the time when I'm doing this because I feel as if when I am in the moment with others, I don't want to be pushing a rewind button on another memory, I want to be in that moment with the people I am with, not wandering somewhere else. (I can't say I always do this, because you all are in my thoughts..) When I am alone, I don't feel a responsibility to be anything. I don't have to be happy, figuring things out for others, finding anything, planning anything, making anything happen.

When I am alone, I do nothing. I'm just me. Julie. I am only responsible for myself when I am alone.

So I can think. I can rewind, walk through, think, push Play, on some really good memories, and, I have to admit, some really bad ones. Its my way of resolving things that in truth, I have no control over. I formulate a plan of what I would do differently next time. How things might go if I was given another chance, even though that chance may never come. Its my planning session. My thinking session. My making peace with the Universe sessions.

To be honest, there are things that I will never be able to make peace with myself about. I can't. It involves other people, so I have to accept there will be no peace, or resolution, or another chance, but even in thinking about that....that is a resolution.

If you have been in my life, I have thought about you probably 1000 to a million times. No joke.
If I have shared special moments with you....you are in there for keeps.
If I have told you I love you....I've thought about you, and replayed the good memories.
If you have broken my heart...you are in there too. And I am trying to make peace.
If I have shared myself with you, my secrets, my desires, my dreams........You will be in my thoughts when I am on those alone excursions.

Another thing?

I've prayed for you too. Whether or not you believe in anything.... I do. I have furniture in my house I have knelt down at and prayed for you. I have. Its hard for me to get rid of some of that furniture for that very reason. There is one chair in particular that I will have in my death grip for that very reason even if its falling apart.

What I am trying to do now is focus on pushing the rewind and then hit play on the good memories.

Only the Good.
The Positive.
The Happy.
About You.

When you come home from a wake, or seeing your Mom who is clearly not herself and is fading fast, or children who are now adults and don't live with you anymore, but can do all the adult things you are so proud of them for doing......but you want to remember when they were little babies at the beach with you....Or when you would hold them...all day long....

You want to Push Rewind, then Play.....then Remember The Good.

Not the heartache, or the disappointments, or the times you thought you would never recover, or the gut wrenching separation, or the leaving, or the having to live without.

The Good. That's what I want to play Over and Over and Over Again....

Rewind, Play, Good.

Here's to more good memories.
Here's to more good moments.
Here's to Loving the Days.

I love you.

Really I do.

Julie

Have you tried EVERYTHING???? I have. Honestly.......

I will try just about anything....once. I am very curious. I have  loads of interesting people in my life, who have many unique, fun, out of the box, experiences.

I've herded sheep. I've counted grass. Grass that you mow, grass. I've weeded plots for graduate students. I've traveled. I've driven in big cities, multiple times. I've wandered with no purpose in mind, except to simply wander. I've eaten all kinds of foods, but can't bring myself to eat oysters..its a texture thing. I've given birth 6 times, 3 made it out alive. I've had at least 10 different types of jobs. I've run 4 businesses. I've been a mentor. I've run a board, held committee meetings, ran groups. I've maintained a 31 year relationship, and he seems relatively happy, but I did tell him this morning his secret is he is oblivious, which, I may try that skill. I have friendships that have lasted since my freshman year in high school and before. Someone is always calling, texting, messaging, wanting to do lunch, hang, drink, and simply laugh with me because I'm easy.

But, guess what.

I get why people quit.

Last night I had a moment where I thought, I know why people quit. I've tried everything I know to do, yet I lay here, in this bed, doing nothing but crying. My heart is so broken over so many things that I have absolutely no control over. NONE. And I want to quit. I want to give up. What if I disappeared out of all these lives I am simply crying about??? Would they care? Would they just go on without me? Maybe they don't care at all how they have affected me. Maybe they might miss me for a while, but then, you know, I, like everyone else, is replaceable.

Those were my thoughts.

I made a list of things I've tried.
Prayer
Bible Studies
Church
God
Jesus
Salvation
Sanctification
Marriage
Children
Friends
Relationships
Food
Drink
Crying
Being Happy
Being Positive
Honesty
Lying
Finding my spots
Meditation
Finding the Good
Forgiving
Being Angry
Journalling
Therapy
Massage
Reading Positive Books
Walking
Exercise

I've tried it all.
I can't make myself feel better.
I can't stop crying.

This is hard to write, because its brutally honest and raw and it actually brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how hard I have tried. With myself, with relationships, with loving others, with including others, with being involved, caring, listening, being as present as I can possibly be. I'm a quick responder.

But even with all that. All those experiences.

I wanted to quit last night and disappear.

And if I feel like this, and I always join Every Single Party In Life.....LATE. I can't be the only one.

Where do you even go from here? You ask.

I don't know.

But I do know what I am going to do today.
Apologize for my batshitz from yesterday.
Get flowers for Mom, and go visit Her.
Turn off my phone.

But the epiphany of last night will not be lost on me. You can seemingly have your shit together, and nobody knows how bad you want to quit. Because you are just so good at looking okay. You laugh easy. You smile easy. You aren't lying when you do either of those things.....but your heart is crumbling in a million and one pieces and you simply can't talk about it. I get you. I get you sister. I get you brother. And I am here. I don't really know what I have to offer, but I am here.

I am not quitting today.

I do love you. So much.
I wish I could hug you, pretend that I am.

You go to your place, I'll go to mine, and we will be together.
You are in my heart, my soul.

Another Day,
Another Chance.

Love,

Jewels. 

I'm a Guzzler...In a World of Sippers......

This is my all time favorite drink. It's called the "Pain Killer" and it is a signature drink at Geddy's in Bar Harbor. It was my very first drink ever that I shared with my sister. She says she hopes Carl doesn't think she polluted me....LOL... The drink is huge, it taste like heaven to me, which would include something coconut, pineapple, and lots of other stuff that makes me smile, and the Pain Killer does make me smile....

I could probably drink 3 of these easily, but.....if I wanted to drive I stop at 1. Which is seriously unfortunate because it tastes absolutely divine. 

Which brings me to my title.....

I like to guzzle. And I am living in a world of sippers. 

I realized this on the way home from one of my trips to gain some rest and insight. 

I am a guzzler, and not just with alcohol. And, by the way, I've yet to be drunk. My sister is amazed at how well I hold myself. She's like, well, you already are a happy sort, you just laugh a little louder, and that's about it....

I like to go fast. I am not a sit back and wait person. Probably one of the reasons I absolutely loved getting on the back of Carl's motorcycle when I met him. I was like, this is very cool, and very fun.  I absolutely loved riding that 750 Maxim...even in the rain. No helmet, in a sweater skirt, not a care in the free world, LOVED IT. 

I am all in. I am not half way into anything. Nothing is fun to me if its only half way. Like, why the absolute hell do it? Why bother otherwise? You are either IN or OUT.....

I want it now. Right NOW. Not a fan of waiting. If I have made up my mind about something, which, takes me no time at all, especially when I get a good vibe, I want it. I don't have to do a million fact checks, I don't have to shop around at 10 stores. I don't do polls to see how people feel....(ICK, that's for wimps....) I remember when Carl and I moved into this house almost 16 years ago. We were finally able to afford a matching furniture set. At about the 3rd store, and, by the way, I picked a set at each of the other two that I was good with as soon as I walked into the door....I looked at Carl as he hemmed and hawed about the best deal, the right color, and my eyes were rolling back in my head, 

"Why don't you take care of this. I'm about to pop a cork if I have to wait one more minute.."  He took me home, picked out all the furniture himself, had it delivered. I didn't even know what it looked like until it arrived, and quite frankly, didn't care. 

When I love you...You KNOW IT. Its never a mystery. But I find I am surrounded by sippers...and what that means is...I never know how anyone feels about ME. Sippers are hesitant, they TAKE THEIR TIME..they are CAUTIOUS>>> ohmyf.....Do you have any idea how that drives a guzzler CRAZY????? A guzzler praises, but rarely receives praise from the sippers. A guzzler LOVES with her whole freaking heart...and wonders why the absolute hell you don't respond. A LOVER like my self wants to give AND receive LOVE and not have to wonder what you are thinking. 

JUST TELL ME....JUST RESPOND to the damn text, message, phone call, letter, card, moment. THROW THIS GUZZLER A BONE......

I want life fixed now. You don't know how? Ask a guzzler. I have a million and one solutions, and I can almost guarantee they will, in fact, fix your problem, FAST, EFFICIENTLY, and EFFECTIVELY. 

But, guess what? It will require you sippers to take a risk. You will need to not care what others think. You will need to be brave. But, also, guess what? This guzzler will ALWAYS have your back, no matter what. No matter what others say or think...because...we don't care. We are passionate about solutions and we stand behind them and the people we love. 100 percent. 

I am a passionate person. I am all in. (and I repeat myself..for effect, because, I did, indeed already say that..LOL).. If you give me an inch, I will take 1000 yards. It you let me in for a minute, I will want to stay a lifetime. If you  tell me you love me, I will believe you. I will also believe that you will be there forever, because when I love, I love forever. I can't do it any other way. There is probably a reason I get walked away from. Because I never do the walking away. 

But, I'm learning this skill called "Pause".
Because all this passion needs to pause occasionally. Just Occasionally.
All this Love Making, needs to rest, because not everyone knows how to Make Love.
All this immediate, needs a slow down....

Take a deep breath, go to that special spot, and be still. And recognize....
I have a lot to learn from the Sippers,
And they have a lot of to learn from my Guzzling ways...

I love you all.
The Guzzlers....you got my heart beat.
The Sippers...you got my heart too, just let me know I have yours.
And everyone in between.

Love,

Jewels.
Who is truly figuring out who She Is.

50 Tomorrow....49FOREVER....I might know a little #shitbit

I'm grateful for my deep friends. One of the deepest is my sister. She has known me for 47 years. No one can beat that knowing. Oh what a treat I have been. (LOL) She brought these sweets to me as I napped Friday afternoon. I've been fighting a horrid cold for 2 weeks. Working, napping, blowing, coughing. But, I have this amazing nasally sounding Demi Moore voice going on...so...kinda sexy I'm told...
(See what's sexy when you're 50?? 20 somethings beware!!)


I went to one of my favorite spots to write and be yesterday....

Saturday April 14, 2018

I know and believe less and less.

I think there's a realm where we transcend to that makes us realize this as we age....at least that's where I've gone...

My thoughts are liberal, conservative, and everything in between. I've done my best to protect, but then gave up trying to protect and now trust that the Journey is your own, my own.
 I've been well,
 very well.
And sick,
 very sick
In heart, physical body, mind, and the spirit.

And, through this journey over the past years, I've come to a couple of conclusions. Some profound, some very simple. Its where I've wandered....

1.  Love with all heart,
 soul, body, and mind.
Even when it hurts, even when it would seem a bit unorthodox, even when it is a challenge.  The ecstasy of Loving Well and long and majestically far out weights any fear you might have about it.

2. Find places that bring your soul rest.
 Go there regularly. Do it for YOU. Never mind the weather, just Do It.

3. Be with people that are easy.
 Easy as Sunday Morning...easy as listening to rain while sitting quietly on a porch..Easy as a sunrise....EASY.  You only need one. But it must be easy, raw, genuine, broken, open, honest, easy... being those things may not BE easy, but when you're with that Easy Person its never difficult.
 Your soul and peace depend on it.

4. If you DON'T WANT to do something--DON'T DO IT.
If you WANT to do something--DO IT.
If it's fun and it makes you happy?? Bonus. DO IT A LOT THEN!!
But, live in the Want To more than the Obligated To....see how your life improves....

5. Faith is a funny thing.
As I have evolved in my faith, I believe it to be more simple than I've made it, and more complex and I don't need to figure it out. It is. I'm accepted by God. I'm loved. The rest is a mystery and I think....
I THINK...its meant to be that way.

50 years old on April 16, 2018!!!

So hard to believe, so young to still believe!!!

I love you my darling lovers.

Jewels

Still shining, still hoping, still loving.  ILY.
With all my beautiful messes included. 

#30....Broken.

I have found it particularly hard to write as of late. I guess what has made this time around difficult is that I have been made aware of those who are reading my writing who are creating  meanings unintended, which if I cared LESS what people thought, I would not be affected. I've received some push back in the past that has said...You are looked up to...be careful. Please don't look up to me for any reason. I cannot wear that pressure. I won't. I have changed. I'm still me, but life has changed me. I'm just as confused as most. I'm still seeking truth that works with what I know. I weekly created spaces for peace in my life. I am doing my best. I look for signs in the Universe so I know...I KNOW...that I've been seen and heard.

In one of my created spaces and moments I found those broken sand dollars, and YES..I found a whole one. Which caused me to pause and write in the very spot I found these broken pieces. I lay down in the sand, got out my notebook, and began to write these words....

Sunday, February 25, 2018

I'm alone at the ocean. Feeling the peace that comes to me when I let go. Many thoughts come to mind. People, places, experiences, feelings, deep realizations about love.

But I realize. I don't have to figure it out. I just have to feel. I just need to love and be loved. I simply need to embrace fully where I am.

I found these sand dollar pieces. I don't want pieces--I want the whole thing. In that moment a thought came to me...

Being broken up is to be discarded--not looked at, not considered.

I just want that whole sand dollar. They look better. They feel better. They seem all together--more appealing than pieces....

But,
I have been in pieces since the beginning of time.

All of us have been, all of us are----Broken Pieces.

From the beginning--our one perfectly intact cell--you--me--was required to split in two...

SPLIT IN TWO

Didn't stop there....2 became 4, which became 8, which became 16---until I, you, was completely created, completely a whole human being that, through all that brokenness, could be born, breathe, live, and create.

I created more broken pieces, named Kristen Hope, Elizabeth Grace, and Daniel Joseph. 
Three broken cells that formed three created beings.

And then it came to me so very strongly....
I was broken and split to be created and to create.
I was divided to be made whole.

I've been ripped apart to be a part of something so magical I can almost miss it because I'm constantly searching for A Whole Thing.
A put together Some Thing.
A perfect Looking Piece.

But.

Those broken pieces are what began each one of us. The brokenness perfectly crafts the wholeness.

Beautiful.

My broken pieces of love, life, my soul and body, yearn for the wholeness....But maybe, just maybe,
Those broken parts split in two and a million--are just as magical.

I love you. I love each piece of you. All of it.
What if I greeted each person, each moment, each second, like that?

I love you.
I love each piece of you.
All of it.

Love from me to You.
Jewels.

#29 Illogical Love.....

Have you ever wanted something and were afraid to speak it out loud?  Have you ever been afraid to share your heart, or thoughts, or ideas for fear of the reactions you would receive?

I have.

I've been pregnant 6 times. The timing was never perfect. Ever. The disappointment that followed the failed pregnancies simply grew. My questions to the Universe have never disappeared and I am not a person who believes that shit of "Well, you wouldn't have had....if you'd hadn't...."...BullShit. I say. But that's just me. I don't really respond well to those "silver lining" comments well when it comes to the loss of someone I love.

But this boy......

He was an illogical desire.

I was 42 when I gave birth for the final time. It was easy. I remember my midwife, Debbie Hill Hunter checking me saying....Oh, you can push now...I'm like...OH HELL I HATE THIS PART....
10 minutes was all, but you trying ripping your mouth apart for 10 minutes strait and stretching that most tender skin in your whole body....10 minutes can be hellatious...

We were the spectacles at the hospital. Everyone came in...like, oh, that's cool...you guys are so cool for doing this....like, oh yeah, I WANTED to be COOL at 42....LOL.....The girls adored Daniel from the start. He was a June 30, 2010 baby, a summer baby, so everyone was home, he was held constantly, and I napped all the time. It was glorious....

Carl has a whole folder of Daniel sleeping. They are the absolute best pictures. Daniel will fall asleep anywhere, early, and now will actually sleep all night in his own bed. Its lovely....he is 7 after all...

There is just something about this illogical love thing. It makes no sense to the onlooker. My sanity has been questioned. I've been asked "Why?"....But, let me explain why this boy has absolutely changed my life...

My spirit became opened and I began to breathe. The love I have for him is like nothing else. I absolutely know I can protect him from nothing...his destiny is his own. I understand that no amount of loving can remove what will be his glorious, heart rendering, joyful, upsetting at times, life. But what I can do is love him in the best way I know how....

Fully and completely, unconditionally, enjoying the peace that comes from being his Mom.

Yesterday at the ocean he said...
"Mom, we need to look for your piece of the Universe that speaks to you....."

We talked about love, life, what speaks to our souls. We laughed, had a snowball fight, breathed deep. Yes, I communicate all this with my 7 year old and he totally gets it..
He said,
"Mom, this is the weirdest day ever...going to the beach in the winter, but its also the Best day ever...all at the same time...." 

My illogical Love has been just that...Weird and the Best...all in the same moment.

What is your illogical Love?
I have others. And I love each and every one of those weird, crazy, joy filled, peaceful people and moments...

Some times being Illogical is absolutely THE BEST thing to do...

I love you...

Julie K.

#28...Apology Given, Confessions of a Shit Flipper, yup, I'm being Honest....

I don't usually flip shit. I don't. I used to have a temper that I believe was born out of so many things that were out of my control as a child. I had so many triggers that I didn't even realize what was even triggering me... I know, Psych 101. No one wants to listen to those excuses....

But I did. I had a reaction to something that was said to me. I flipped shit. I was triggered. And a bunch of nasty just poured out. Can ANYONE relate to this? Anyone....?????

I talked to my sister about it. I told her something I had said. She looked at me and said...
"Julie, that's mean. You KNOW that isn't true...AT ALL."
I am glad for someone who loves me and tells me the truth about myself.
She followed it up with "RELAX, honestly. Relax."

Two things about me.
I don't relax often.
I'm a deep feeler.
Meaning, I am either all in or I won't bother at all. There is really no middle road with me.

I think I need to try the middle of the road.

For everyone's sake.

So, yeah, I'm learning.

I'm also learning that as chill as I try to be, I am totally NOT. At All Chill. Ever.

Why was I triggered?  Because I was given a logical reason for something that I was attaching completely illogical emotions to and I did not want to be corrected, redirected, or my mind changed. Sometimes I simply don't want to hear someone else's truth, honestly. Like, Shut The Hell Up and let me live in my Rainbows and Unicorns world for 24 hours please.

I flipped.

I apologized.

I won't do it again, because I value my people, and I value the things I have created, and I love people.

What next?
No more flipping shit.
Go to the ocean to clear my mind.
Or spend time learning to accept where someone is coming from, realizing it doesn't have to change my mind about anything.
I love you.
I have triggers still I need to acknowledge, work on, and let go of.
Apologize when triggered and don't do it again.
Its never about the person in front of me, its about me and my unresolved shit.
Resolve my Shit.

Happy Friday Everyone.
Think before you speak, text, message, breathe, Love.

I love you.
That will Never Change.

Jules.