"Its plastic, and its fantastic!"
I played with Barbie dolls and Ken dolls when I was little. I made clothes for them. I wanted so badly to have the big camper one year for Christmas but my Mom thought it was a waste of money and would take up too much space in my bedroom. I remember at recess one day in second grade a classmate named Jill brought hers to play with during recess. I was so jealous. I wanted that Barbie camper so bad. I thought, if I had that Barbie camper I would have friends and people would WANT to play with me....
It started in Second Grade.
Thinking being me wasn't enough, I had to have something to get a friend...
I hated playing alone on the playground, so I ran for the swings and spent my whole recess swinging so I could avoid being alone. I was socially awkward I guess. I got glasses in second grade. I could not read well, so I was in a special reading group. I don't recall ever having a best friend when I was younger. Its so opposite now, I'm teaming with people in my life, but as a kid, oh man. AWKWARD person. I remember in fourth grade being told my butt was too big. I was taller than everyone else. In sixth grade I out wore my Mork and Mindy sweatshirt... I loved that thing...I was so proud to wear that with my rust colored jeans and a striped turtleneck. In 8th grade I took to eating carrot sticks for lunch so I would be thin like the other girls. That didn't last, I loved food way too much. I got contact lenses the summer before my freshman year in high school, and I was like an ugly duckling who blossomed into a swan.....
and so began the Mattel world....
I sought attention endlessly, and got it easily. I laughed quickly. I was friendly. I was attractive. I loved boys. I had certain ones I liked better than others, but I would give anyone a chance. What the heck? A free meal, a nice night..why not?
I took a year off between high school and college to try and figure out what I wanted to do. I worked in a jewelry department at Service Merchandise which was connected to the sight and sound department where all the good looking guys worked and smelled like Polo cologne. I prayed that someone would need a watch battery changed so I could go into that back stock room and change a watch battery because there was always a Polo boy back there....ahhhhh....I met my pretty boy at a club, and yes, he wore Polo, and smelled soooo good. Smelling good is primo important. LOL...at least it was back then...
Somewhere along the way in the midst of doing life I lost my focus on what was important. I became fake to attract the opposite sex. I laughed at things I did not find funny. I started hanging out in places with people who did not have my best interests at heart. I was not making safe decisions because I was being fake. I stayed out super late and got sick and became exhausted. I drove my mother nuts. I kept trying to please a roommate in college that was such a difficult person. I was going to church multiple times a week, but not really knowing what I believed. I was sick of life. I wanted something different. I was getting tired of the shallowness of it all.
And then I met Carl.
Carl was the first one to challenge my fakery. He questioned everything I said. Do you realllly believe that??? and WHY??? He was the first one who saw me without my makeup. He was the first person to ever see me in my glasses since wearing contact lenses. He was the first person I spent the night with at his family camp. He was the first person that saw me. He talked to me. He actually called me after he kissed me. He wanted to know me, not ignore me when he saw me in public after we had fooled around a bit. I was used to being ignored and treated poorly by guys. I remember one guy I asked "Do you like me?"...his response? "WEll, Im here aren't I?" dumbass....which is mostly what I dated because I was looking for the fake. I was looking for entertainment. I was afraid to be alone. And even though Carl was in a fraternity, he never wanted me at a party with him. He said it was not safe for a girl like me to be at a party with drunks. I deserved better than hanging around with a bunch of drunk guys who had bad intentions. Which they all do when they are drunk. Its not a good environment. He knew...and he wanted to protect me from that environment. Strangely enough we don't have alcohol in our own home and never have. He wanted nothing to do with it after that phase was over in his life. He didn't want his kids around it. Not a lot of good came out of his partying days..he would tell you that. It was a sort of fakery. Being drunk leads to fake, not real.
He cared. Carl saw through all this crazy and made things real. He's always had this ability to cut to the chase.
Little by little over the years I have become more real. Its hard to be real because most people are busy being fake. I know what being fake looks like because that was me. Being real, being transparent, letting go of keeping up the airs of superiority gets old and tiresome and exhausting. I heard a quote from a landlord we rented from when teaching in Milo...he said.."Last time I checked we all shit on a toilet and pull up our pants..." I know, gross...but real. In other words, we are all human beings. No point in pretending anyone is better than anyone else. No use faking who we are to impress...its exhausting.
My realness makes some people uncomfortable. I have been accused of being "too loving", that "I'm obviously after something..."...ohmyf...you obviously don't know me AT ALL....I need nothing. I want nothing...I simply love. That's it. I would like to be thought well of in return, but we know how that works out...not always. I have been accused of "sounding needy" because I share how much I care and love people. So sad really. I feel like saying....could you stop being so jealous of my kind of love and just enjoy it? I honestly will do anything, for any one, if it will make their life easier.
There are risks to giving up the Barbie world and going for real, not plastic, which is NOT fantastic. Plastic is hollow, by the way. No substance. Light weight. Melts easily. Stinks. Not interesting in the least. And...plastic is fake.
Real scares people. Fake is easy to deal with...
Real asks the hard questions. Fake says...Falalalalala....show me your latest accomplishment and I'll show you mine...teeheehee
Real says tell me the truth. Fake says...Don't show emotions, I can't take emotions...just pretend you have no emotions about things that are killing you...pretend everything is A OK..JUST LIE
Real says I will love you unconditionally always....Fake says...I will love until you don't benefit me anymore.
Real says I will hold your hand through this illness...Fake says... I can't deal, I will find someone healthy.
Real Stays and is responsible...Fake Abandons due to selfishness.
There's a reason real is scary and Fake is easier...for a season. Until you get sick of fake. And it does get sickening. Just when I was getting sick of Fake... I met Carl....
and Woah...was he real. Lots of real. He created a space for me to be Real in.
I will always be grateful for the day we met.
3/7/87
I love you Carl Robbins.
Thanks for turning me into a real rabbit.
No more Velveteen for me....
No more wooden nose conversations...
Lots of Real, scary real.
I bet there are times you wish you did not open Pandora's box but, you allowed me to be me.
Thank you so much.
Julie Erb Robbins
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