Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Anniversary: 26 Years and Counting
I remember the day I got engaged to Carl. I had an idea it might just happen, but did not know the exact date or time, so I was not expecting his proposal. He came to a camp I was working at, had previously gotten the permission of my parents, and we went for a walk. We walked to the end of the cabins and suddenly he got on one knee and popped the question "Will You Marry Me?" of course, I answered "YES!", cried a bit, and we made our way back to the crowd that already knew what was going on, receiving big congratulations from everyone.
We got married the following May. May 20th, 1989. 26 years ago. I was a ball of nerves, Carl, always jovial and cool as a cucumber. He lost one of his contact lenses the night before the wedding, did not have another pair, and was blind in one eye, could barely see to light the unity candle. Oh yes, always something. We had the great idea to memorize part of our vows. Really? why didn't some wise old person say, um, you won't be able to remember anything, let alone some vows you didn't even write. Its a very sweet wedding video to watch. My daughters commented on the video one time after they watched it and said, MOM that is NOT YOU. YOU were a mouse. You barely can hear your voice and you seem so timid. That's not OUR MOTHER> I was sweet, and pretty, and thats what Carl says made up for my high maintenance nature in the early years. LOL. My friend Kristie has put the wedding video into dvd form. We'll have to watch it again with the family sometime soon.
Some of the things I loved about Carl.
1. His blue eyes
2. His ability to carry on an intelligent conversation.
3. He was able to relate and get along with anyone.
4. I LOVED how smart he was. LOVED IT.
5. He made me laugh, ALOT.
6. Phenomenal Kisser
7. I loved how I felt when I was with him. I had never felt that way before, ever. It was intoxicating, overwhelming, and just wonderful.
8. I could not wait to see him. Morning, Noon, or Night. Could Not Wait.
9. I loved riding on the back of his motorcycle
10. I loved the way he treated me, his thoughtful cards and roses.
Some of the things I love about him now?
Re-read 1 through 10.
Some more things?
11. He is a wonderful father.
12. He is a great provider.
13. He is wise and we can think and grow and change our ideas about life together.
14. He's a great father-in-law. loves his new son.
15. He's a brilliant math teacher.
16. His spirit is never completely discouraged, still sees the silver lining to everything.
17. He has a heart I can relate to when it comes to the God stuff.
18. I know he prays for me.
19. He talks me down off my hormonal, weird, sleepless night, cliffs, with a hug, telling me "its going to be alright, dear, please don't cry. you ARE doing a great job."
20. He likes me.
So, as we enter into this 27th year together of marriage, 26 years behind us, I enter it with the excitement of the things to come. A lot can happen in a year. A lot has happened in a year. I simply cannot wait to share it all with you.
I love you.
Happy Anniversary. and To Many More.
Your Jewel.
Completely Transparent
I spent numerous late night hours conversing with these lovelies and I came to several conclusions.
The ability to share my heart and soul with someone, even when contrary to my former beliefs, or when I am questioning my current beliefs, or am truly seeking a wise word, and not fearing judgement, whether it be in a look, a voiced view, or a gesture, is something I so long for.
I crave it.
I also realized while this family was here how often I sensor myself.
I could make a list of all the things I sensor, but who needs to know all that.
I know that may sound really strange to some of you who have been in my home or who have known me for years, but I do. I sensor what I say based on the reaction I perceive I may receive. This is the plight of most people pleasers. I recently told my Wednesday night ladies group how unfaithful I find myself at times. I also recently listened to a sermon and walked away and said, nope, I simply can't do that. I don't have it in me anymore, so be it.
I have recently been doing a study on the Beatitudes and when it came to the discussion on Mercy, I realized that I was a very merciful person. That my reaction to ones life choices of any kind is mercy, whether or not I have previously believed in that choice or not. Its irrelevant to me, I will be merciful, understanding, offer encouragement, because I know what it feels like to be on the other side of mercy. I read the whole area of scripture and it says those who are merciful will receive mercy. Good thing, because I am beginning to believe I am going to need a whole lot of it.
I have often jokingly said, If people really knew what I was thinking I would have very few friends.
Can I tell you that on any given day I change my mind?
I would not technically call myself someone who is tossed by the waves, to and fro, but if I do not find something that I once believed as "truth" to be working, or I see no evidence of its "truth", its getting tossed.
I am down to bare bones at this point.
I think I am even scaring my husband.
I wonder a lot about what "truth" really is.
I was able to bear my soul to my lovely friends in my home, and it felt so good. And I even found out how my dear lovey dealt with something, and we both looked at each other and could SO RELATE.
It was like aloe on a burn. Refreshing. Soothing. Cooling, not abrasive. AHHHHHHH.
So I must say thank you publically to Terry Shipps and Leah Weiland for sharing their hearts with me. For listening to my heart without judgement. For lovingly giving advice in the wee hours of 1 a.m. and 2a.m. For being supportive. For being loving. I love you ladies more than you will probably ever know. I miss our times of church and Bible study together, where Carl and I were so ministered to and healed in your home. So Miss It. Nothing like a home church. Nothing.
I miss all my friends who have moved out of the state.
I would also encourage everyone to find a person to bare your soul to. To be raw with. To be 100% truthful with.
And I am so glad for the ones who are here who listen to me on a dime. I have the best therapists of all time.
I love you all.
Simply Overwhelmed by the right things today.
Julie
Monday, April 6, 2015
Nylons and Easter
And until now I had no idea that Easter was a pagan word.
Or Christmas.
I'm almost sure the only holy day left is the 4th of July. But I am so sure it will be desecrated at some point and the banning of fireworks will commence.
But, for me, its called Easter.
And it includes nylons.
As a child it was a big deal, this Easter event. I remember getting up in the morning and being excited about seeing my Easter basket. Somehow my mother always turned everything into Jesus, so having an Easter basket was part of Jesus. So it was legal, all that chocolate, treats, and peeps, was about Jesus somehow...Legally Easter.
As an adult, then becoming a parent, we have always had Easter baskets and got the girls dressed up in those cute dresses and of course, we all wore nylons. And I mean real nylons, the kind you pay far too much money for that rip 2 seconds into ANY event you choose to wear them to. oops, there goes the grocery budget, the girls just all got nylons.
Yesterday morning as I was getting ready, realizing I had only put a dress on a couple of times since last July when my eldest got married, I began wondering about all these traditions I had accumulated over the many years of marriage & parenting.
Some keepers I have decided upon.
My family. I love to spend time with my family. And I love spiral ham. So its a win/win.
Church. I happen to love my church. A quote that was shared that was meant to be funny by a comedian said that going to church on Easter only is like flossing 10 minutes before a dental appointment, neither do much good. At first I laughed, but then I began to think on this. If this holiday, along with Christmas, is the only time you go, well, GO. I have no idea what God may have for someone 1 or 2 times a year in church, just GO. Enjoy. Talk to people you don't normally see. I got a hug yesterday from a friend who sought me out. I sat in a row with my kids and husband. I had people sitting behind me that I talked to that I hadn't seen in years, and they had a better memory of the last time we spoke than I had. (getting too forgetful). I heard a great sermon, par usual of my pastor, but it was great, none the less. Just GO. So what if its only a couple times a year.
Chocolate of copious amounts, only to be banned the very next day.
Pictures of the day. My favorite this year? The one I chose as my cover photo on facebook.
The rest? all negotiable.
I love those that God continues to bring into our home, and I think this could have been considered one of our best Easters yet. and yes, I will continue to call it Easter, because well, that's what it was always called when I was growing up.
And, I am sure you all want to know, I am loosing the nylons. LOOSING. GONE. :)
Happy Spring.
Love, from our nest to yours.
Julie
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Absorption, Cost & Gain
When Carl and I first thought about having children he was the one who wanted to wait. He'd say, whats the hurry? Whose going to take care of said child when we have one while you are still in college? I am in college. We are young, we have plenty of time. I am def. NOT in a hurry, said Carl. I would go to all my dear friends apartments in Orono and to the family housing on campus at UMaine and come away from holding these precious babies wanting one. I was a mother without children for a long time before I gave birth.
We were married about 5 years when we deemed it a "good idea" to start "trying". hahaha. Hoping that the behavior we had been engaging in for quite some time would produce and bring forth fruit. The surprise of it all was that it did not. So we started taking temperatures, oui. and the likes of the task that was once spontaneous and enjoyable became methodical and deliriously upsetting when "the fruit" did not spring forth month after month after month. And even more gut wrenching was when, walah, the test for pregnancy came back positive, only to be thwarted by a miscarriage. Birth Denied.
I thought I would loose my mind, for real. Eventually, almost 2 years later from the initially endeavor of "bearing fruit", my girl Kristen Hope came into the world. Until I held her in my arms I really didn't believe it was going to happen. Giving Birth was an out of body experience. I simply could not fathom I was holding a human being that belonged to me.
I had no idea what parenting would hold for me. NONE. I was an educator. I had run a day care. I loved children. I taught Sunday School. I served at teen camps for years, working and counseling teenagers. I had worked with special needs children. I worked in a group home called Janus House for boys strait out of the Maine Youth Center. (got some stories from that job.)
But nothing prepared me for the emotional journey of parenthood.
My husband called me "The Marshmellow" this morning as I was leaving the house to go and pick up Elizabeth's boyfriend so they could have breakfast together. I said, oh, anything for love my dear, anything for love, you know that about me. And, put it on my grave stone. "The Marshmellow lies here."
I absorb emotions. That first cry Kristen let out, I put her to my breast to nurse and that is where she would stay for the next 18 months. I have no shame in that. Carl nicknamed me "The Nuk". My Mom would say, "Are you ever going to put her down?" To which I would respond. "No. I don't even know if she is real yet." I would carry both girls at the same time. How? I don't know. I did not have those crazy carrier things you wrap around your whole body. I just did it. I wanted my children close to me. If they cried, I sprung into action, absorbing those cries. I find no reason to ever apologize for that. Ever. My children have all been well loved, WELL LOVED. Their emotional needs met to the best of my ability. But everything comes with a cost, and parenting COSTS.
Parenting has cost me.
Even now as I write this I know I am weak. I admit it. I could cry, right now. Because the emotions I am absorbing at this point in the journey are far more intense than an infant crying out for mothers' milk. I could easily "fix" that cry. In an instant. No waiting for a lesson to be learned, or growth to occur, knowing that the journey to wholeness is going to take a lot longer than a hug and the consumption of a cookie, or watching a favorite program.
I think of the apostle Paul when he says, In my weakness you are made strong. Meaning that's when God becomes evident. When we feel "fine", or that everything is going "well", we lean on our own talents & strengths, forgetting the originator of those gifts.
My current prayer as I absorb the emotions of those around me is found in Ephesians. In my weakness one Sunday evening, when I was feeling as if the cost of parenting was simply too much, God led me here.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you(Elizabeth, Kristen, Daniel, Carl, Lucas, Nick, Julie, and others) with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you(E,K,D, C, L, N, J, and others) being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. NOW to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! AMEN." Ephesians 3:16-21.
I am weak. My desire to heal and mend and fix can be overwhelming. My need to get to the other side, not reside in the middle and wait out the storm, or learn the lesson, or WATCH the lesson unfolding before me in my loved ones lives brings my brain and emotions into places I do not need to tread at all. I can't live here, or camp out here in this place for long. I need to move into the strength that only God can provide on this parenting journey where there is no end in sight.
So, my parenting has cost me. Its also taught me to rely on the One who loves my family the best and the most.
Becoming a parent has brought me to places I never dreamed of. Its brought me to my knees because I am weak. Because I worry. Because I love so incredibly deep. I never knew I could love like this. Its brought me closer to God than I ever knew was possible. It has me searching for peace, creating moments of peace in my life I never needed when it was simply Carl&Julie.
So, instead of simply costing, I have gained. I have gained empathy, insight, wisdom, a yearning for God that was never there before children. A prayer life that was probably non existent before I knew someones life depended on it. And a constant reminder that in my weakness, He (God) shows up. Always. God always shows up, and God is always working. Even when I don't see it.
"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny" Psalm 73:24
My Elizabeth's life verse. Gods working. Always.
We all have a glorious destiny that God is working out right now in our favor. Take heart.
Love, Julie
We were married about 5 years when we deemed it a "good idea" to start "trying". hahaha. Hoping that the behavior we had been engaging in for quite some time would produce and bring forth fruit. The surprise of it all was that it did not. So we started taking temperatures, oui. and the likes of the task that was once spontaneous and enjoyable became methodical and deliriously upsetting when "the fruit" did not spring forth month after month after month. And even more gut wrenching was when, walah, the test for pregnancy came back positive, only to be thwarted by a miscarriage. Birth Denied.
I thought I would loose my mind, for real. Eventually, almost 2 years later from the initially endeavor of "bearing fruit", my girl Kristen Hope came into the world. Until I held her in my arms I really didn't believe it was going to happen. Giving Birth was an out of body experience. I simply could not fathom I was holding a human being that belonged to me.
I had no idea what parenting would hold for me. NONE. I was an educator. I had run a day care. I loved children. I taught Sunday School. I served at teen camps for years, working and counseling teenagers. I had worked with special needs children. I worked in a group home called Janus House for boys strait out of the Maine Youth Center. (got some stories from that job.)
But nothing prepared me for the emotional journey of parenthood.
My husband called me "The Marshmellow" this morning as I was leaving the house to go and pick up Elizabeth's boyfriend so they could have breakfast together. I said, oh, anything for love my dear, anything for love, you know that about me. And, put it on my grave stone. "The Marshmellow lies here."
I absorb emotions. That first cry Kristen let out, I put her to my breast to nurse and that is where she would stay for the next 18 months. I have no shame in that. Carl nicknamed me "The Nuk". My Mom would say, "Are you ever going to put her down?" To which I would respond. "No. I don't even know if she is real yet." I would carry both girls at the same time. How? I don't know. I did not have those crazy carrier things you wrap around your whole body. I just did it. I wanted my children close to me. If they cried, I sprung into action, absorbing those cries. I find no reason to ever apologize for that. Ever. My children have all been well loved, WELL LOVED. Their emotional needs met to the best of my ability. But everything comes with a cost, and parenting COSTS.
Parenting has cost me.
Even now as I write this I know I am weak. I admit it. I could cry, right now. Because the emotions I am absorbing at this point in the journey are far more intense than an infant crying out for mothers' milk. I could easily "fix" that cry. In an instant. No waiting for a lesson to be learned, or growth to occur, knowing that the journey to wholeness is going to take a lot longer than a hug and the consumption of a cookie, or watching a favorite program.
I think of the apostle Paul when he says, In my weakness you are made strong. Meaning that's when God becomes evident. When we feel "fine", or that everything is going "well", we lean on our own talents & strengths, forgetting the originator of those gifts.
My current prayer as I absorb the emotions of those around me is found in Ephesians. In my weakness one Sunday evening, when I was feeling as if the cost of parenting was simply too much, God led me here.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you(Elizabeth, Kristen, Daniel, Carl, Lucas, Nick, Julie, and others) with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you(E,K,D, C, L, N, J, and others) being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. NOW to him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! AMEN." Ephesians 3:16-21.
I am weak. My desire to heal and mend and fix can be overwhelming. My need to get to the other side, not reside in the middle and wait out the storm, or learn the lesson, or WATCH the lesson unfolding before me in my loved ones lives brings my brain and emotions into places I do not need to tread at all. I can't live here, or camp out here in this place for long. I need to move into the strength that only God can provide on this parenting journey where there is no end in sight.
So, my parenting has cost me. Its also taught me to rely on the One who loves my family the best and the most.
Becoming a parent has brought me to places I never dreamed of. Its brought me to my knees because I am weak. Because I worry. Because I love so incredibly deep. I never knew I could love like this. Its brought me closer to God than I ever knew was possible. It has me searching for peace, creating moments of peace in my life I never needed when it was simply Carl&Julie.
So, instead of simply costing, I have gained. I have gained empathy, insight, wisdom, a yearning for God that was never there before children. A prayer life that was probably non existent before I knew someones life depended on it. And a constant reminder that in my weakness, He (God) shows up. Always. God always shows up, and God is always working. Even when I don't see it.
"You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny" Psalm 73:24
My Elizabeth's life verse. Gods working. Always.
We all have a glorious destiny that God is working out right now in our favor. Take heart.
Love, Julie
Monday, February 23, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
What I LOVE about my grown kids.
When I first thought about writing this post, I was going to entitled it "What I DON'T miss", and would periodically point out to anyone within earshot of said behaviors. For instance, I might come upon piles upon piles upon piles upon piles (you get the picture, right?) of clothes spattered about a floor like a never ending dumped can of paint, with no understanding about where to begin to clean up the mess. I would then shout, I WILL NOT MISS THIS. Or, clothes that have been peed in. Lots of pee, pee flowing into the next room because you live in an old house that is tipped. No, the toilet has not overflowed, someone simply was too tired to make it point into the toilet, and it flowed everywhere. I WILL NOT MISS THIS, I would shout from the roof tops.
Instead, I thought more people would like to read my humorous accounts of what I LOVE about having grown children. So you all that are still in that nursing non stop, poopy diaper changing, running down your leg bc they are sick, throwing food on the floor, and dammit you don't have dog yet and have to clean it up, phase can get some laughs and encouragement.
WHAT I LOVE
1. They tell you they love you, and mean it. For real. Nothing better than getting a text from one of my kids saying how much they appreciate and love me and can't believe how I have done all I have done for all these years.
2. They brush their own teeth and shower. If you don't have kids and you are reading this you have NO IDEA what a blessing this is. AND wait for it, when they get a significant other, they will do whatever it takes to smell good. My house is in a constant state of musky male and floral. oh, its glorious.
3. They drive. or they have a boyfriend who drives, and when this sweet lover arrives, he will take her anywhere. at 5:30 a.m. to a see a sunset, or a debate meet, or a track meet. Good Lord, moms, LET THEM GO> stop worrying about accidents, and say, Thank You Jesus, one less thing for me to do!!
4. They grocery shop for you! Its a beautiful thing. You give them a list, your debit card, and off they go. They may call you a couple of times saying, "Are you sure this is IN the grocery store?" to which you reply, absolutely darling, its in the pasta isle.... and hang up. ahhhh glory of glories.
5. I LOVE who they bring home. I love love love my son in law. He is the Best. I love him. Did I say I love him? He's wonderful. He's kind. He's a hard worker. He's cooks breakfast for my daughter. She's happy. End of story. Beginning of Story. I can't wait for the next gal's story. I can't wait for the next phase of Kristen&Lucas. But the here and now for both girls is pretty awesome. Seeing your kids happy, eyes shining, being loved on, NOTHING LIKE IT. Makes my heart smile every single day.
6. They get a job and pay for stuff. And then all of the sudden they start saving money, and cannot believe how much stuff costs, and how the heck have you and dad done all you have done for us and the light dawns upon their beautiful faces. When you buy them something without them asking for it, and they respond, how much did you spend? I don't want you to spend too much, Mom. really. but THANK YOU!!!
7. They eat dinner with you. They sit, converse, say thank you, this is awesome, tell you about their life, kind of "eat with you". No getting up from the table, running around the table, chasing the dog, running around the table. They Sit And Eat With You. And Talk. Human, understandable Talk. They share their life with you. They tell you about what they love, who they love, why they love. They talk about whats important to them and why. They tell you about their dreams, like having a library and an king sized bed, or living in a cabin in the woods, becoming a forest ranger or a nurse. They join you in prayer before you eat. You don't have to ask them to be quiet to do this, or sit down, they join you, all bowing their heads together. Sunday Dinner at 1p.m. is Sacred to me. Completely SACRED.
So, parents, instead of lamenting what you might be loosing as they grow up. I am here to tell you its a GLORIOUS time to be embraced. I spent my time lamenting, but I am here to tell you. Don't bother. Grown Up Kids are the BEST.
Love ALL my kids,
the ones I birthed,
the ones God brings me through relationships,
and those that will grace my life when I become Gram.
Love to you All
from our Nest to Your.
Happy Saturday.
xo, Julie
Instead, I thought more people would like to read my humorous accounts of what I LOVE about having grown children. So you all that are still in that nursing non stop, poopy diaper changing, running down your leg bc they are sick, throwing food on the floor, and dammit you don't have dog yet and have to clean it up, phase can get some laughs and encouragement.
WHAT I LOVE
1. They tell you they love you, and mean it. For real. Nothing better than getting a text from one of my kids saying how much they appreciate and love me and can't believe how I have done all I have done for all these years.
2. They brush their own teeth and shower. If you don't have kids and you are reading this you have NO IDEA what a blessing this is. AND wait for it, when they get a significant other, they will do whatever it takes to smell good. My house is in a constant state of musky male and floral. oh, its glorious.
3. They drive. or they have a boyfriend who drives, and when this sweet lover arrives, he will take her anywhere. at 5:30 a.m. to a see a sunset, or a debate meet, or a track meet. Good Lord, moms, LET THEM GO> stop worrying about accidents, and say, Thank You Jesus, one less thing for me to do!!
4. They grocery shop for you! Its a beautiful thing. You give them a list, your debit card, and off they go. They may call you a couple of times saying, "Are you sure this is IN the grocery store?" to which you reply, absolutely darling, its in the pasta isle.... and hang up. ahhhh glory of glories.
5. I LOVE who they bring home. I love love love my son in law. He is the Best. I love him. Did I say I love him? He's wonderful. He's kind. He's a hard worker. He's cooks breakfast for my daughter. She's happy. End of story. Beginning of Story. I can't wait for the next gal's story. I can't wait for the next phase of Kristen&Lucas. But the here and now for both girls is pretty awesome. Seeing your kids happy, eyes shining, being loved on, NOTHING LIKE IT. Makes my heart smile every single day.
6. They get a job and pay for stuff. And then all of the sudden they start saving money, and cannot believe how much stuff costs, and how the heck have you and dad done all you have done for us and the light dawns upon their beautiful faces. When you buy them something without them asking for it, and they respond, how much did you spend? I don't want you to spend too much, Mom. really. but THANK YOU!!!
7. They eat dinner with you. They sit, converse, say thank you, this is awesome, tell you about their life, kind of "eat with you". No getting up from the table, running around the table, chasing the dog, running around the table. They Sit And Eat With You. And Talk. Human, understandable Talk. They share their life with you. They tell you about what they love, who they love, why they love. They talk about whats important to them and why. They tell you about their dreams, like having a library and an king sized bed, or living in a cabin in the woods, becoming a forest ranger or a nurse. They join you in prayer before you eat. You don't have to ask them to be quiet to do this, or sit down, they join you, all bowing their heads together. Sunday Dinner at 1p.m. is Sacred to me. Completely SACRED.
So, parents, instead of lamenting what you might be loosing as they grow up. I am here to tell you its a GLORIOUS time to be embraced. I spent my time lamenting, but I am here to tell you. Don't bother. Grown Up Kids are the BEST.
Love ALL my kids,
the ones I birthed,
the ones God brings me through relationships,
and those that will grace my life when I become Gram.
Love to you All
from our Nest to Your.
Happy Saturday.
xo, Julie
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
My Husband Is Enough
Any unfinished business in your life shows up when you have children. When they enter into a season, you enter that season with them, and your unfinished "stuff" shows up. One of my seasons of unfinished business showed up when my daughters began dating.
As a girl, I was well loved by my mother. I felt ugly because I had determined that having coke bottle glasses, being taller than everyone else, larger than everyone else, and having the usual middle school acne, deemed me as such. My mother would tell me daily how beautiful I was, I did not believe her. My father loved me. He is a very cuddly person, always quick with a hug and a kiss for his girls. I honestly cannot think of a negative thing my father has ever said to me about me. Ever. He has always been proud of me and has told me this my whole life. My parents were divorced, and I did not like this, however, I was well loved by both of them. My step parents were kind to me. Never a negative word was ever spoken to me by either of them. Ray, who lived with us, was always telling me how proud he was of me. always. I simply felt ugly. My peer group did confirm this every day by telling me so, thus cementing this idea in my mind.
My first kiss was traumatic. I was at a summer camp for the first time. I was 13, the summer after my 7th grade year. I did have an older look about me, I suppose, being that I was so tall. A counselor followed me out of a service, put his arm around me, and said, lets go for a walk and talk. I had no wisdom, I had no experience, I did feel a bit uncomfortable, but I was shy, quiet, unsure of myself, so I went. He walked me behind a row of cabins and simply full on, no warning, started to "kiss" me, if thats what you want to call that "attack". I got away from him, ran to my cabin sobbing, brushed my teeth as many times as I could, and just laid in bed and cried. No one knew what to do with me. No one called my mother to come and get me. I had to stay at the camp the rest of the week, terrified this man would try to come after me again.
The following summer I went back to this camp. It actually became a very special place for me, despite that traumatic experience. I was determined at the age of 14 to erradicate the first bad kiss experience with a good kiss experience. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted good kissing. I did meet someone, he was very nice, but too old to be chasing after someone fresh out of 8th grade. My mother was not pleased. NOT PLEASED. The ride home from that camp experience was anything but good.
The wheels in motion for my definition of beauty were set in place. I got contact lenses, I wanted all the male attention I could because I deemed male attention meant I was beautiful. And so began my dating journey.
I am happy to say that back then we stayed within our church circles. The reason I say this is because I can walk around Bangor and not see all the guys I chased after, sought after unabashedly, unashamedly. I had an experience at a cross country meet several years ago when one of the boys I had "dated" was there with one of his daughters, watching the cross country meet. He came up to me, all smiles, kind of that knowing look, like, I KNOW YOU JULIE. Lets stand here and talk while I size up your life to find it acceptable. I walked away wishing I had never dated him. NEVER. It was stupid.
I realized just recently I have so much "baggage" from those dating years. I craved that attention. It became something I needed. Multiple males telling me how wonderful I was. I dated one guy that never called me by my name, he only called me "Gorgeous". He ruined that word for me. I still cringe to this day when I hear that word. When I was first married to Carl it never occurred to me I would have to give up other male attention. I knew I was married, I loved my husband, but one man's attention was simply not enough. I was a flirt. I was overly charming. I used my looks to get my way. It hurt my husband, but I really wasn't caring because I thought he was lucky to be with me, not the other way around..
None of this is easy for me to write, but I write it to come to this point.
One Man is Enough.
Did I date some nice guys, yes, but many of them were not.
Did I need to? NO.
If I could turn back time, I would say, Carl would have been the only one I needed to date. He's the only one I needed to kiss, needed to have close intimate time with. There are times I hear a song, or smell something, or see a person, and it brings back a wash of memories I wish I did not share with anyone else but Carl. He would say the same thing. Neither of us entered into our relationship free of baggage. BUT
We will tell you, our kisses mean the most.
Our intimacy means the most.
After almost 28 years being in a relationship with this man, the only thing I would have done different is not waited that extra year to marry him. I had too many rules and expectations. Fortunately Carl was smitten. And we were both a mess in different ways, but knew we were meant to be together. And we did love each other, had a shadow of the faith we share today, and plenty of people praying for us.
God has changed both of us. My pattern and neediness for male attention has been eradicated. But I wish the serial nature of that behavior had never started. Carl's constant desire to always be right has been softened over time. The need to know everything to feel secure in his faith, has dissolved so he can enjoy church & God in the way the works for him. So many changes over the years. So many.
I am grateful for the changes.
And then you have dating daughters.
And everything surfaces once again, and you want to just fix everything for them. Because you know what is right because you have been there, done that, would not do this or that, and know what is good. You want to save them.
And then you move into love. Realizing that ultimately God is already working. And maybe, just maybe, He actually DID have a plan all along. (Of course He did!)
Have faith parents. God is working. He does have a plan, for US and our children.
God Bless You all in this Unknown, Uncharted Journey. God knows, and he has a plan.
Love, from my nest to yours,
Julie Robbins
As a girl, I was well loved by my mother. I felt ugly because I had determined that having coke bottle glasses, being taller than everyone else, larger than everyone else, and having the usual middle school acne, deemed me as such. My mother would tell me daily how beautiful I was, I did not believe her. My father loved me. He is a very cuddly person, always quick with a hug and a kiss for his girls. I honestly cannot think of a negative thing my father has ever said to me about me. Ever. He has always been proud of me and has told me this my whole life. My parents were divorced, and I did not like this, however, I was well loved by both of them. My step parents were kind to me. Never a negative word was ever spoken to me by either of them. Ray, who lived with us, was always telling me how proud he was of me. always. I simply felt ugly. My peer group did confirm this every day by telling me so, thus cementing this idea in my mind.
My first kiss was traumatic. I was at a summer camp for the first time. I was 13, the summer after my 7th grade year. I did have an older look about me, I suppose, being that I was so tall. A counselor followed me out of a service, put his arm around me, and said, lets go for a walk and talk. I had no wisdom, I had no experience, I did feel a bit uncomfortable, but I was shy, quiet, unsure of myself, so I went. He walked me behind a row of cabins and simply full on, no warning, started to "kiss" me, if thats what you want to call that "attack". I got away from him, ran to my cabin sobbing, brushed my teeth as many times as I could, and just laid in bed and cried. No one knew what to do with me. No one called my mother to come and get me. I had to stay at the camp the rest of the week, terrified this man would try to come after me again.
The following summer I went back to this camp. It actually became a very special place for me, despite that traumatic experience. I was determined at the age of 14 to erradicate the first bad kiss experience with a good kiss experience. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted good kissing. I did meet someone, he was very nice, but too old to be chasing after someone fresh out of 8th grade. My mother was not pleased. NOT PLEASED. The ride home from that camp experience was anything but good.
The wheels in motion for my definition of beauty were set in place. I got contact lenses, I wanted all the male attention I could because I deemed male attention meant I was beautiful. And so began my dating journey.
I am happy to say that back then we stayed within our church circles. The reason I say this is because I can walk around Bangor and not see all the guys I chased after, sought after unabashedly, unashamedly. I had an experience at a cross country meet several years ago when one of the boys I had "dated" was there with one of his daughters, watching the cross country meet. He came up to me, all smiles, kind of that knowing look, like, I KNOW YOU JULIE. Lets stand here and talk while I size up your life to find it acceptable. I walked away wishing I had never dated him. NEVER. It was stupid.
I realized just recently I have so much "baggage" from those dating years. I craved that attention. It became something I needed. Multiple males telling me how wonderful I was. I dated one guy that never called me by my name, he only called me "Gorgeous". He ruined that word for me. I still cringe to this day when I hear that word. When I was first married to Carl it never occurred to me I would have to give up other male attention. I knew I was married, I loved my husband, but one man's attention was simply not enough. I was a flirt. I was overly charming. I used my looks to get my way. It hurt my husband, but I really wasn't caring because I thought he was lucky to be with me, not the other way around..
None of this is easy for me to write, but I write it to come to this point.
One Man is Enough.
Did I date some nice guys, yes, but many of them were not.
Did I need to? NO.
If I could turn back time, I would say, Carl would have been the only one I needed to date. He's the only one I needed to kiss, needed to have close intimate time with. There are times I hear a song, or smell something, or see a person, and it brings back a wash of memories I wish I did not share with anyone else but Carl. He would say the same thing. Neither of us entered into our relationship free of baggage. BUT
We will tell you, our kisses mean the most.
Our intimacy means the most.
After almost 28 years being in a relationship with this man, the only thing I would have done different is not waited that extra year to marry him. I had too many rules and expectations. Fortunately Carl was smitten. And we were both a mess in different ways, but knew we were meant to be together. And we did love each other, had a shadow of the faith we share today, and plenty of people praying for us.
God has changed both of us. My pattern and neediness for male attention has been eradicated. But I wish the serial nature of that behavior had never started. Carl's constant desire to always be right has been softened over time. The need to know everything to feel secure in his faith, has dissolved so he can enjoy church & God in the way the works for him. So many changes over the years. So many.
I am grateful for the changes.
And then you have dating daughters.
And everything surfaces once again, and you want to just fix everything for them. Because you know what is right because you have been there, done that, would not do this or that, and know what is good. You want to save them.
And then you move into love. Realizing that ultimately God is already working. And maybe, just maybe, He actually DID have a plan all along. (Of course He did!)
Have faith parents. God is working. He does have a plan, for US and our children.
God Bless You all in this Unknown, Uncharted Journey. God knows, and he has a plan.
Love, from my nest to yours,
Julie Robbins
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