Faking it, but not making it...no one likes a sad person.

I have come to realize recently no one likes a sad person. Well, initially they can stand your angst, but there's an absolute limit. Everyone has a time frame. Everyone has advice. Everyone says

"You need to stop this!"

Do you ever wonder why people are sad? Or need to cry? Or have anxiety, depression, feelings of overwhelm?

I have always been a smiley, happy, joyful person. In my 48 years on planet earth, even my mother would tell you I was always happy. Never a behavior problem. Followed the rules. Played well with others, in general. Did not start arguments, fights, angst among my peers, was quick to laugh. I was actually referred to by several parents as "the giggler" as they would be trying to go to sleep and I would be out in their livingrooms visiting whomever, laughing until the wee hours of the morning. I found everything funny, or could.

If you have read my blog at all you know of some of my disappointments in life, my losses, trying times in my marriage. You know I have made it through each one with a semblance of joy, getting to the other side, making the best of ALL SITUATIONS.

But, this time is different.

A sadness has settled over me like no other. I am in therapy, but honestly, its not helping much.

I possibly could point to recent disappointments, discouraging situations, losses, but I really don't think its that only. Those events were catalysts to something that was brewing long before.

For the first time in my 48 years I have not brushed off what I have truly felt and moved on. I can't. I just don't have it in me. I'm older. I've experienced too much. I know right from wrong now. Injustice and unfairness slice me like a knife unlike any other time. I feel powerless.

Ive prayed.

Ive cried.

Ive gone seeking for closure, NONE.

I can't fix everything in my brain that I have snuffed under the guise of joy for 48 years. Too much has happened. Every camel has its final straw. Ive had mine recently.

So please, give me a break.

I know people are used to me one way. I will do my best. I will still find joy in my son, my making of m&m pancakes, my loving husband. I will do my best to remember the joyful moments inside my home walls, creating a new normal.

And I love your encouragement. I do. I love my wonderful friends who have been there for me alllllll these many many many years. And, please know, I appreciate each and every one of you.

There are so many years I am processing right now, and its all in one big yarn ball entitled
Abandoment, Fear, Loss, and Anxiety. This ball has been building since I was about 10 and I had my first panic attack, when, back in the day, no one would have called it that, but I was worried about my parents while I was at school and it all just snowballed. Head into now, and its a pretty huge yarn ball that has not been dealt with.

But, Im dealing with it, in my way, my timing, my head and my heart.

Its nobody's fault, its just plain life.

So bear with me. Don't get angry with me if I tear up, it means I have feelings. Don't tell me to Stop, that just makes it harder. Don't redirect me, I am smart enough to redirect myself, and I know where to take myself when it gets bad....a walk, the water, time alone for a good cry, writing in my journals.

Part of me wants to apologize profusely for all this emotion and sadness. But why should I? Its one of the emotions we have. If you expect everyone you love to be happy allllll the time, you are putting an expectation on them that is completely unreasonable.

When I am over this, I will be over it. Let me have my emotions. ALL of THEM. I am not just
"Joyful Julie".... Julie has feelings when she has loved with her whole heart, sorry, no stone to be found in this heart, just mush.
"Laughing Julie"....gets angry at injustice, gossip, lies, slander, esp against those she loves. all of those she loves... ALL of THEM.
"Plays well with others Julie"...is pissed too. really bitchy, bastardly, all out pissed. I actually do get very angry, believe it or not.

But the most important attribute about me is
I LOVE YOU.
I will love you forever, once you are in my heart. That will never change. I don't care what you do, what you say, even if you decide to hate me. I don't care. Because I have been loved unconditionally, so I can love unconditionally.

So, if I weep. Don't worry about me. I will be a better person as I allow myself to grieve and move through all the things I have stuffed down over all the years. I will become more compassionate. I will become more understanding. I will become more loving. I will become less reactionary to what happens to me because I will have dealt with all the shit that I have allowed to reactivate me.

I love you all.
Sincerely,
Blessed by my Mess,
Knowing that Love is always the answer, STILL

Julie

Living with Consequences of Being a Bystander.

I have questioned myself recently about why I have been so upset. To some it makes no sense. Why do I have such deep emotions? Why don't I just get over people or places or situations? Why don't I just give up? Why do I even care about anyone? Especially enough to become remotely concerned or invested in.

And then it came to me after a recent conversation with my mentor. He and I have processed a great many issues since his involvement in my life at the age of 18. 30 years of processing, living, listening, loving. Wow, Bill Cumming, you are simply amazing.

"Consequences" is the word that is floating around in my mind.

I am living with consequences that I never would have chosen. I am a bystander in most of the consequences that I live with. Hear me out for a moment.

My parent's divorce. Bystander.

Unfaithfulness and difficulties in relationship(s). Bystander.

Moving and living in places where I knew no one. Bystander

Miscarriages. Bystander

Death of loved one.  Bystander

Loss of family members I thought were permanent. Bystander

Watching loved ones suffer. Bystander.

None of the above mentioned events I would have chosen to create under any circumstances. EVER. My spirit this morning is dealing with circumstances yet again beyond my control. I get to be a bystander to more pain, more disappointment, more dreams dashed. (for the moment).

I am the type of person who dreams of love, a great family life, enjoying people in my home, creating beautiful and good and happy memories for others, hence all the celebrations, the parties, the gifts, the cards of encouragement, or the little treats awaiting people when they get home, like a favorite drink of ice tea or cliff bars, or making spaghetti with no sauce because  I know you really do hate sauce.

Some would call me a people pleaser. I believe  I exist to do more than please others. I want to love others, cure the ills in the world through loving, even if its ill perceived, I mean to do good. I want to welcome, create environments where if you are hurt, you feel healed. No judging allowed. Acceptance Only.

I believe I have been this way my whole life, minus the judging, I have gotten rid of that critical attribute in my later adult years, but its because life has taught me its not my job to change anyone, just love them right where they are at.

So, as a consequence of allowing people to freely flow in and out of my life in these past 48 years I have suffered, am suffering,  the consequences of choices I had nothing to do with, but as a bystander, I have and do live through these consequences. And I will confess, I hate it. I hate being a bystander. I hate sadness. I hate the brokenness and the crushing of dreams. I hate unwellness when I am a bystander and I can see how simply caring for two seconds and saying a kind word or acting like you give a shit with a quick message or phone call could make the difference in someone's life. Communicating is something I would do to mend, but that is because I truly believe in building bridges, not walls. 

How can I plow through consequences as a bystander?

Let go of all expectations of people.
Its not about me, its about them, and their choices.
I cannot fix anyone.
I cannot love someone into making good decisions.
My words cannot convince anyone to do "the right thing".
My created loving spaces cannot save anyone.
My food is here to be eaten, but, again, can heal no one.
My open heart will be broken, but I will not stop feeling or loving. I don't have to.
I don't have to change.

And.

Keep loving.
Keep releasing.
Keep praying.
Keep an open mind.  
Keep being available if someone has a need. A ride. A conversation. A meal. Gas money. If I can meet the need, I will. Remembering, no fixing, just loving.
Let go of ALL EXPECTATIONS.   That's the hard part.

Letting go of expectations of others though, does not mean one does not have standards and healthy boundaries for how I allow myself to be treated or talked to. What it means is, I can love, be a bystander, support, encourage, but do not need to participate in or encourage unwell behaviors or conversations.  Tricky fence to straddle....they next thing I am working on mastering.

If you are reading this, know that I love you without expectation.
Experiencing the Blessings amongst the Chaos when I choose to see it. 
Love from the Nest.
Julie.

I am manipulative.

Manipulative: adjective
tending to influence or control someone or something to your advantage, often without anyone knowing it.  "He/She is resourceful, smart, skillful, ingenious, and savvy, but he also can be manipulative."

manipulative: that attempt to control or play upon others hopes or fears to attain selfish ends while disregarding their aspirations or well being.
:Item or object that has one or more manipulable characteristics or properties and can be used to model or represent a problem or situation.

I did not know love could be considered manipulative. But it can.

I did not think caring about a person or an outcome or a situation could be considered manipulative. But it can.

I did not know investing time, money, talents, shared experiences, conversations, personal information, support could be considered manipulative. But it can.

And for that, I want to apologize.

I recently was in a conversation with my mentor, Bill Cumming, who told me as a result of all the experiences he has had in his life he has entered into every single relationship he ever has with anyone with the concept of having absolutely NO EXPECTATIONS from that person for anything.

No expectations of outcomes.

No expectations of returned favors.

No expectations of returned respect, love, affection, future.

Nothing...nada.

And as I began to re process this concept I realized I have expectations for every single thing I do.

Every Single Thing.

If I love you, I expect you to love me. If I am nice to you, I expect you to think well of me. If I do for you, I expect you to be grateful and say thank you. If I have you in my home, I expect to be invited to yours. If I acknowledge your birthday, I expect you to at the very least to send me a card. If I like you, I want you to like me in return.  If I invite your child to my home, I want you to invite my child into your home, AND, I want you to be as nice to my child as I am to yours. If I say kind and glowing words about you, I expect you will say the same about me.

I also realized I am conditionally loving you when I hold all these expectations of you as well.

What does it look like to love manipulation free? What does it look like to let go of all expectations?

Well, as of today, Sunday, July 18, 2016 I am about to find out. I am about to embark on a journey to find out. I am about to question every single thing I think and every single thing I say. Not because I want to beat up myself daily. (I'm already really good at that, which needs to stop). But so that I can actually live authentically the way I say I want to live.

I want to love others unconditionally.

I need to let go of expectations. Because being any other way is a form of manipulation.

I am sad when I find out others don't like me. I am sad and discouraged when I feel I have done my best and its been misinterpreted. I can tell you, I never set out to harm anyone. I care so deeply for others, simply because I do.

But in my effort to care, love, support, and worry about, it could be perceived as manipulative, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for anyone I have hurt. I am sorry for what I could have done differently. I will be sorry forever.

I can't guarantee I will be forgiven, which is part of letting go of expectations.

I can be sorry, but there is no forgiveness that I know of unless the person I am saying
" I'm sorry"
 to says
 "I forgive you."

One thought I will close with is that Bill reminds me of constantly
"On which day have you gotten up and said, I want to screw today up royally? or I want to harm someone today? which day Julie, did you rise and say you wanted to harm anyone?"
I can honestly answer
"None of them. Not one. I get up wanting the best and believing the best. The day may not turn out the way I thought, and there are times I wish I had done the day differently, but I want the best, and I want to love others."

So, as I move forward with these two new goals, I would like to proceed with an apology.

I apologize if you have ever felt manipulated by me.
I apologize for any unloving thing I have said.
I apologize for being conditional of my responses that I expected from you.
I apologize for hurting you.
I am truly sorry if I have caused harm in your life, because in no way do I ever mean or intend to bring harm to those I love.

I will never meet up to others expectations of me completely. I know I will probably do or say things that are weird, or strange, or silly. We all can be guilty of that. I am an offender.

But truly loving without condition and letting go of my expectations of others are the priority now.
 I really wish I had been more focused on these 2 things months ago, weeks ago, years ago.
(I also am leaving the camp of "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Living here has not been helpful either.)

Its a confusing and humbling place to be when you realized you screwed up (even if its unintentional) and until about 9p.m. last night in West Bath, Maine with my mentor whom I have known for almost 30 years finally got through to me.

LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and LET GO OF ALL EXPECTATIONS.

Breathe in, breathe out.
I aim to do this life differently.
Love from me to you.
Julie

TBH........

Decision day is approaching. Decisions about the future. The process as a bystander in this college quagmire has been disappointing, and that's being generous. My heart has broken more times than I want to admit over the past 6 months and its not over--sending a child away is not easy. I've already done this once. Part of me has already begun the grieving process. It doesn't really matter to me where I send my nestlings, it hurts to see them go.

Making decisions that affect your future are never easy. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Especially when you truly love people. Especially when you have dreams that you believe are good and right dreams but did not turn out exactly the way you thought and then someone says to you...

"God has a plan".

Really?

Well, God, I'm not so sure about this. Not At All. Because everything has been done on this end for a long time. Obviously we are failing sinners daily, meaning, mistakes and sometimes not always the wisest choices are made, but every single day we are doing are absolutely best.  I'm just wondering how you are going to show up and...
~pay for this one
~fix this test
~honor this commitment
~heal this heart, soul, gut, back, leg, foot~~~ you get the picture.

When you watch someone you love suffer, whether it be physically or emotionally or both, and you can do nothing? Of course I've prayed, that's a given.

You begin to really wonder... God, do you give a shit?
Really?
And, yes, I've said that to God. And yes, even dropped the F bomb for the very first time in my life with God.  Because
I've entered into a season in my spiritual journey where:
1. I'm raw
2. I've lost faith at times
3. I question

Very Very huge admittance for this rule following legalist.

And God knows it. And if hes God, the spirit will have to handle it.

Right God?

I've discovered its absolutely amazing what we can be going through internally and still...
~go back to work
~host parties, and I mean good ones.
~host holiday full family meals in all the regal-ness that entails.
~travel to Boston, DC, NY, FL, CT (Yale), Boston..again (Harvard)  just to name a few places in amongst the summer travels to the beach, ocean, family, work, daily errands that bore us all to tears.
~have a 5 year old who started kindergarten, going through those emotions of letting go and doing this thing called 13 grades all over again
~becoming a grand parent
~lets not forget, planning a wedding, bridal shower, grad party, & prom celebration in oh, about 4 short months not too long ago, accepting my first born being gone for good.
~babysitting
~cooking, cleaning, buying all presents for all holidays for 7 people, wrapping all said presents, (ok, did not realize until this Christmas what a feat that actually is!!!.....oh, and stocking stuffers, making 2 new stockings for the newest additions).
These are only a couple of things I've been up to.....

No wonder I feel as if some days I'm off kilter.

And the days when people are not happy, because there is never a day when all goes smoothly. If there has been, I've written about it in either my journal or shared it on facebook.

Is it any wonder in the midst of all this I spend time simply begging God for some presence? Some truth? Some understanding? Some wisdom? Some Grace? God please show up?
I can't tell you how many times I've prayed that in the past 6 months. And a scant few times I've felt like I was heard, but mostly I've been disappointed with the outcomes of my prayers.

I'm just being honest God.
So, where does this leave me?

I can't give up my faith. It's too much a part of my being. I've lived with God far too long to give up completely.
So I call it a "journey". A polite way of saying-this sucks right now.
Its like 2 a.m. in the van on the way to Florida and I'm thinking... WTH....why are we doing this? But when we arrive in Florida at the timeshare, it's like---AHHHHHHH----GLORIOUS!!!The condo, the pool, the weather, the people, GLORIOUS.

I'm waiting for the AHHHHHH GLORIOUS!
With God, at the end of this 2a.m. ride called life right now.

I'm holding out for the glorious destiny.

I've grown faint, but I'm not giving up the race.

I'm trusting for that exceeding abundance that will be more than I hoped for or dreamed of, for me, for my husband, for ALL my kids, but especially currently for my dear dear daughter,
Elizabeth Grace.

But its 2a.m.--and I'm trapped in the van, knowing the end is in sight, but disliking this leg of the "journey".

My prayer today is as always for myself, my husband, and the children:
Protect Us
Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Intellectually. Keep us from harm. Keep us safe. And please show up in tangible ways that there is no mistake its you working for our good.

Amen&Amen.
Much love from my open heart to yours.
Julie

I'm a Trusting Person

I will bring you hope and a future.

I know your comings and your goings. I know what is about to be said before your say it. I am protecting you when you don't even know it. I love you.

May they be strengthened, may their love be deep. May they be blessed exceedingly abundantly more than we could hope for or know.

May you run on the wind like an eagle. May you always soar in whatever you do. May you not grow faint or weary. Always know, you are loved with an unimaginable love, from both your Fathers. xoxo

Your union is sacred. Marriage is sacred. Plans for you, hope for you, a everlasting future for you. 

As Carl and I talked recently on the coach one night we came to the conclusion. We are very trusting of others, but how much do we really trust God? We have trusted the young men in our homes to love and care and honor and respect our daughters, to be faithful only to these jewels of ours. We have trusted Daniel's kindergarten teacher to care, educate, and nurture him. We trust our employers to pay us every 2 weeks. We trust our lights will come on because we pay the bills. We trust our coffee pot each morning to give us our delicious daily drink. We trust that our cars will start each morning and get us to where we need to go.

But how much have we trusted God with things we have no answer for?

I especially am always wanting to get to the other side of:
graduation
the wedding
the pregnancy
college apps
work day
to the next pay ck
to be on vacation in Florida in April
the summer
the winter
the fall
mud season

Just to name a few things...

because I want to know.

I want to know how it all turns out and I hate the wait...HATE THE WAIT.

The waiting makes me nervous, yes, I know that's a choice...

the waiting requires trust. Trust in things I cannot see, feel, hear, touch, or taste.

Even though, Ive been reassured through all those words above, under all those beautiful pictures, of all those beautiful people I love more than life. I get anxious about the future.

Today, Today, I will trust. I may not feel it.

But I am going to start doing it. This trust thing.

Trusting in the fact that I know God knows. He loves more than I can even imagine. And when I sit back and look over the next year, I will be amazed. I will look back on this blog post, and here that still small voice...."See I told you so....please, TRUST ME."

I'm not alone.

Much Love to you all,
Blessed this morning.
Trusting this morning.

Jewels .... as the hubster calls me.

The Best Things About....

Carl and I had the chance to attend a performance last night at the Collins Center for the Arts in Orono to see one of our all time favorite comedians, Steven Wright. He's a dry humorist, you must listen closely at times to what he says, and he's got THIS VOICE...its the Steven Wright voice, his signature. And he's a riot, and he's slightly inappropriate, and that just makes him all the more funny.

When I met my husband I was 18. Somewhat naive, but not stupidly so. Innocent in a way, but not new to the rodeo of dating. I was a flirt, he was charming. We danced until 1a.m., and he tells me, after he questioned me as to what I was doing and I said I was going to be an Education Major in the fall, he was basically sold on Julie Erb. He said he always wanted to marry a teacher because he was going to be a math teacher and he wanted our time to be spent together, and when he had kids, he wanted to spend time with them and his wife as a family. Yup, that party frat boy knew what he wanted his life to look like when he grew up. And, he says, I was gorgeous and funny, and well, that about sealed the deal for him that night.

As we walked across that very same campus last night that we both attended together all our academic lives I had this bubble of happiness well up in me. There really is nothing I have not shared with this man. We even recreated a Prom experience when he was student teaching where we dressed up and chaperoned a Brewer Prom so that we could say we had the best prom night ever... and it was so much fun. We went to class together, shared a car together, lived on campus together for a year, (LONG ENOUGH), we worked in the same mall together, we studied the same field of work together, shared the same philosophies on educating children together. He will tell you I had a much better study/work ethic than he did. He procrastinated, and I plugged away every single day, but we both graduated. We married, we lived together, we spent hours on Sunday afternoons chilling out together after our one good meal a week at my mothers house happened. Those Sunday afternoons cured what ailed us after a long week of school and work.

I  love our story. I love that we traveled together. We drove everywhere we wanted to go. Before children, we always went to Boston for First Night on New Years Eve. We always went away every single year for our anniversary to the White Mountains, then to Canada on a whim to stay at different bed&breakfasts, visiting all sorts of cool places.  I was 40 before we made our first trip to Florida as a family. I remember thinking, and saying, Thank You so much for always making this life possible. We've been to NYC multiple times with the girls, to Williamsburg VA. We love Boston, but DC is my favorite city, Carl's too, all that history. We love it.

Last night made me remember our beginnings. And all the best things about that beginning. All those shared experiences. All those memories.

Thank You Steven Wright for your humor. And returning to a place that Carl and I could go to and experience just a little bit of nostalga.

We have both changed and grown up just a little since that time walking around UMaine campus. But, we are still Carl&Julie. We are still those kids who love each other madly, even though we don't have the same amount of time we used to get to spend together. I mean, we were basically inseparable. That time grew our roots. Those early years, all that time together, at young ages, created a bond that could not be broken, for any reason. I'm so grateful now for that time together. And, I would have loved it to have started sooner...

Remember the good times today, and Create more good times in the now.
I know I plan to.

Much Love from our nest to yours.

Sincerely,

Julie Robbins

Psalm 139....for my clan.

When you walk into my home I have a bulletin board that I filled this fall with some of the people I love the most along with scriptures I feel pertains to them and covers them with blessings. Psalm 139 is a universal scripture that runs along the side of the bulletin board for all of us in this nest. This morning I was reading Psalm 139 as part of my morning reading of a devotional and verses 15 & 16 spoke to me in a way that I sensed God. For Real.

My journal entry as follows:

10/26/15  Tuesday

Psalm 139: 15 - 16. 
You have seen everything before it happened. You knew my daughter's body. You know how it was formed. You knew the intricate delicacies of her unformed beginnings.

You Knew.

You Know.

So please- help us to know what to do to help her here on earth. Because I feel inadequate when she's in pain. I don't know what to do. I'm guessing and trying and trusting others.

You know when teeth and bones decay. You know when minds begin to forget. You know when we are about to give birth.

You, as God, already saw it happening.

Please teach me how to respond. Help me to fully understand and trust how much you already know and have planned for each one of us.

What it will be like to live debt free..You already have seen it.

What will it look like to watch another child get married. Done. And You already know the date.

When will this grandbaby come? You have already seen this child's face while being knit together in her mother's womb.

Who will be there for the son in our old age? Will we be alive to share as much life as possible with this love child of older age? You already know and have seen and will be caring for this sweet son.

If, as God, you know. My requests seem almost silly.

But.

I will request, because I don't know. And I'm doing my best to trust, be engaged in the present, planning for the future as well as I humanely know how. 

I continue to request:
Health for my children.
Beautiful, Loving, marriages for each one of them.
Success that uses their gifts.
Protection from anyone who tires to bring ruin or destruction upon their lives.
That all of us would be protected spiritually, physically, relationally, emotionally.

As I pray for and love on these people you have blessed me with, I also ask for your guidance continually for me. For my health, spiritual and physical.  For strength during the many changes that always seem to be happening. And for an over flowing abundance of Grace and Forgiveness as I daily am choosing to do my best, but maybe does not look like I am.

Thank you God, in Advance.

Because You already know it all anyway.

Love, Julie
Blessed Daily even when I need a root canal (2) and I have a flat tire. Because, God, you already knew those things were going to happen, and so, in the midst of my crazy, I will trust you.