When I was growing up in my house we were not allowed to say the word "hate". It was a swear word. Right up there probably with taking the Lord's name in vain. My Mom would say, "You can say..dislike intently...but you cannot hate anything or anyone. Its not right. Its not good for your mind to think hateful things or say hateful things. And then she would go on to recite that verse..."Whatsoever is pure, whatsoever is lovely, whatsoever is pleasing to the listener, think on those things." My mother never gossiped about anyone. She was on the church board, and I never knew what was going on until I served on one myself, and then, WOAH...how did my mother not hate anyone or anything.... such an amazing woman.
So Hate is like blasphemy actually. But there are things I hate, because I am Julie Robbins, not Diane Spaulding, and I even utter the F bomb now, so well, here goes.
1. I hate divorce. I hate what it does to kids. I hate the stress it puts on children, and then children are asked to pretend for the rest of their lives that its okay with them. There are suppose to be no ramifications, no emotional trauma, no way of saying, you know what... I HATE what you did... because if you make an adult feel bad, well, you can't do that. Children grow up dealing with unwell parents who back bite and lie about each other and they have to be the peacemakers between these crazy ass adults that can't get their shit together, ever. I've experienced the stress of divorce and my parents actually behaved themselves and never talked against each other, nor did they ever play one against the other. I remember the one time I went into the car when Dad picked me up to say something I wasn't happy about my Mom doing to me...and his response? I'll have none of that, You are to absolutely do what your mother says, and I expect that of you. She is doing her best. And I was a disappointed, sad, anxiety ridden kid because I just wanted my parents together and for them to work things out. I hated them being divorced. I hated the struggle and embarrassment of it. And I mean to hurt no ones feelings by this, its just something I hate. I've tried extremely hard to make my marriage work because I hate divorce so much.
2. I hate criticism. Constructive or otherwise. I was one of those kids that was CONSTANTLY picked on about my looks. I was told how ugly I was on a daily basis. I was too tall. I had acne. I had a mustache because I am very dark. I was gormy. I had coke bottle glasses. And by coke bottle, I mean coke bottle. THICK LENSES> I was constantly scrutinized and put down and I felt like shit almost every single day. I was told my butt was too big, my legs were husky. I was awkward. I was told I looked like a dog, meaning ugly. So, when I experience criticism, it cuts soooo deep. So much deeper than probably most people. I hardly believed when Carl would tell me I was beautiful. I'm like, yeah, right....are you blind? When I hear about how people have criticized my family, or how we have chosen to do things, or how we choose to raise our children, or criticizing my personality, or I'm too loving, or too much, or just TOO.... It cuts me deeply. Those critics become all the critics I have ever encountered and they become part of the pack of people who tried my whole life to tear me down. Unkind words, criticisms, unloving observations, basically pure bullshit if I were to call it what it really is, still hurts me. For a moment. But, as an adult, I've come to realize that its has absolutely nothing to do with me at all when people find fault with me. Its them. Its their jealousy, or some deep seeded inadequate feelings within them that they are trying to project onto me as the scapegoat. Of which, I cry...BULLSHIT...not true. I am a loving, kind, good, give my all, person. So take that, Critics. And I still hate it. Because it hurts the critic and the those that listen and believe the unkindness, and in turn, turn into a person who is critical of themselves and others. Its a vicious cycle. I'm trying to become a little more thick skinned, but I do cry about it. I do feel hurt. I am hurt in my heart. But then, I have to let it go, mostly through prayer and good thoughts.
3. I hate rainy days. I know, rain does not have an emotion, I choose this. I'm aware. I simply don't like rain. It screams sadness to me. Like the sky is crying and I want to cry with the sky. Its like God is simply sobbing that day because we are all down here taking each other for granted and letting people die of hunger, and we're being all hateful towards each other, and I can just imagine God up there in heaven saying.....
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE????? They screw it up Every Single Time....
I'm done today, I'm just gonna cry for a very long time. and then comes the rain. (There's a reason I'm not God, obviously..) I have walked in a warm rain, and it can be romantic...but on those days I'm heading to work, and I am feeling dreary, a little sunshine goes a long way....
4. Finally...I hate the day I am without Carl. Men usually go first, that's the statistics. I told him the other day as he left, I want to kiss you every time because what if this is the last time I see you? I want it to be that I said I loved you and I kissed you. Okay, dear...eyeroll from Carl. I will spread his cologne over everything. I will hug his pillow. I will weep with a never ending weeping...this man is my life. We have created life, we have lived life, we are life to each other. We have healed each other of things we will never share with anyone else on this planet. We have walked through the darkest of times, the best of times, the most miraculous of times. We find mercy in our hearts for each other daily. We love people together. We have cried for people together. We see the good. We see the bad. We wake up on the loving side of the bed. I choose him, he chooses me. I will hate the day I am without Carl Joseph Robbins.
I love you all who are reading.
Thanks so much for being on this journey with me.
Blessed.
Julie Erb Robbins
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