Confession of Today. I am fragile. Very fragile. And today I hate it.
I texted a friend a while ago....
"I guess my peace has a 24 hour limit." What are you talking about? I proceeded to tell her my little woes that in the light of hunger, illness, and death would rank about 100th on the list of things that should bother people. But, it bothers me. So, yeah........
I wish I was better at compartmentalizing things. I liken myself to a person who, instead of building walls when bad things are said or done, I just get punctured. I am so soft because I respond to hurtful things by being punctured. I'm like tenderized meat. Or a sponge full of holes. Or I stuffed animal with all the stuffing that is falling out all over the place. I can't get hardened. I can't seem to "build a wall". I have decided there are some things I "need to box up", and I've thought of ways to do that, but I'm still mush. I said recently "Marshmellows Melt." I'm melting all over the place, I just need rice crispies and butter and I could make one of my favorite treats.
I posted something today on facebook that said something along the lines of
"Be kind to all people, you never know what they are dealing with."
We all are wearing some sort of mask. We need to, its part of self preservation. We can't go around balling our eyes out all day long when we are sad. We can't go around running people over that we feel mad at. We can't go and smash windows because we are pissed. Or maybe, I should say, I can't, and I don't, nor should I??? No... I should NOT!
I just want people to be nice.
I'm tired of mean.
I'm tired of judging and evaluating.
I'm tired of feeling like I can't trust, or hurtful comments, or I have to explain myself, or my choices, to anyone, especially when they are mine to be had or felt. I'm tired of flippant remarks. I'm tired of criticism. I'm tired of feeling used.
I try to spread the concept of mercy, I guess I would like some.
I try to spread the concept of love, I guess I wish I received it a little more often.
I try to consider how my actions might affect someone, I would like some kindness and care in return.
I guess I should not say I lost my peace in 24 hours, I just need to restore it to my soul again.
My mask is off at the moment. I shed a couple of tears. I feel tired of having to accept things I have no control over. I am so sensitive. I'm mush. I have no walls against anyone. I just want to ask Why? Why can't we just be more loving and kind? I was loving and kind even when I didn't feel loved....I just put others before myself. I want people to put others before themselves. Before their need to be right, or prideful, or arrogant. I have tried consistently to show mercy and grace. I want it back. I want to know what it feels like. There you have it....I just took my mask off.
With no makeup, wearing glasses, messy hair, pajama wearing
Julie Kristen Robbins
She really wants a little love back.
She really wants a little grace and mercy.
And, I will always love, be merciful, and full of grace,
because I've lived the other way....
and I won't go back.
Julie Erb Robbins
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