I am officially wiped.
There were many good things about this day, and I can point out at least 25 or more, but, at this very moment, I am left with a sense of helplessness that seems to be my pervasive theme as of late. As my son fell asleep on me while we were watching a program together I became so utterly grateful for his little simple being. The complexities of life, not know what to do, trying to trouble shoot and find solutions for the day, dealing with the realities of changes to come, all were squeezing me. As I glanced down at my boy, simply sleeping in his Mommy's arms, I was easily reminded of my sweet blessings in my Nest.
I had breakfast with a dear man this morning who is doing the best he can to take care of someone he loves. I empathized, I listened, I offered support, I promised to help and be there along side him. I watched him tear up several times as we talked about his daily life. I've known this man for approximately 35 years. He's been a part of all major celebrations in The Nest. I left that early morning breakfast feeling like I was able to offer my support and understanding and it had made a difference, and also knowing more was to come in my part of this story for this season, hoping and praying that I will have the strength and grace to carry me through as well.
I came home, made a few phone calls, said some quick prayers, did laundry, swept...life kind of behaviors we all have to engage in to keep things moving along. The dog had gotten into Daniel's bed, so my most pressing matter was to make sure the sheets and blankets were all washed and dried before night time, as I wanted him in a clean bed. My boy's comfort is so important to me. He would not care, he falls asleep on me, and inevitably he ends up climbing in with us, but its important to me that he has a clean bed. I need to do these daily simple tasks as they keep me focused on something other than things I simply cannot control.
I was picked up at 10:30 a.m..... 30 minutes earlier than agreed upon. I am wondering sometimes if I am being listened to. But, I opened the door, waved outside to let her know I saw her car in the street. Carl hollers from the livingroom.....Did you see? She's HERE!....yes, yes, I know. I am putting on my boots and have alerted her to the fact I know she is here. I get out into the car....Oh Hey there! I came early, I have been driving around trying to kill time, I got a little lost around here, but I found my way to you. Whats up with all this snow? It changes the way everything looks.... mmmmmhmmmm...I'm glad you are here!
Are you hungry?
Not yet, I just had a huge breakfast at Dysart's.
Oh, did you have a nice time?
Yes....
And we talked about life, food, where to sit at Longhorn, if we were going to Christmas Tree shop afterwards, and of course, we must go to McDonald's afterward for ice cream.
Our Pattern.
We talked about the pink tablecloth or the lavendar table cloth. I bought "cheap looking heart lights" as Carl referred to them, but with a follow up when he saw my downcast look, "But I'm sure one you hang them they will be pretty...." He's right, they are tacky cheap looking, but they were only $3 on clearance, so hang them up next Valentines I shall, or for some other holiday...who knows, I'll think of something....
We talked about Easter. We looked at napkins. She could not find her watch, somehow she did not put it on today, so we stuck close by each other. I usually set my timer on the phone after we have been in the store for a bit and then we meet up again. We then went to McDonalds. I had a shamrock hot cocoa...SUPER YUMMY!! She had a carmel sundae with nuts.
To the onlooker in both scenes it simply would look like two people eating breakfast, or two people eating lunch, shopping together, eating and drinking together.
But for me, so much more.
I am watching time. I am talking about things and changes and my new roles with aging loved ones. I am thinking of how to carve out more time to spend with these loved ones when I feel as if I have a full plate. I am hearing changes. I am seeing changes, but knowing that I am simply here to give love and understanding. I offer suggestions, solutions, care, respect, honor, understanding. All the while hating parts of what I am seeing, hearing, experiencing. But also realizing we are all going to age differently. We are all going to be asked to support those we love, hoping that when our aging comes we receive support and love and care from our loved ones and friends.
I come home and hug my boy, talk to my husband, and lay down. For about 2 hours. I get up, fix some dinner for the boys, I am not hungry. And sit and watch these boys of mine. Hold Daniel as he falls asleep. Watch T.V. with Carl.
"I saw more reality today I did not like, but I feel as if I offered a kind heart, a listening ear, and support."
"That's all you can do dear...its reality."
"Yeah, well, you know how I feel about reality that sucks, I hate it. I want my happy reality. I love good news. I love joyous voices, and tears of happiness...I simply have more to pray about now, more to do, and I am so tired right now, and I am not feeling well, but I keep on plugging away...."
I've had a huge amount of blessing this week, and today had so many good parts, but some of its realities are simply hard.
I've got more cares to cast away tonight when I wake up to pray.
But, at the very least, I know my cares when cast, are cared for.
Every tear is saved in a bottle, to be redeemed at the proper time.
What men(or women) meant for harm, God turns it around for our good.
Nothing is a surprise to the creator.
I am well loved. Every Single Day.
I love you, always and forever.
Julie Erb Robbins
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