My day started out at 4:15 a.m. when my son woke me up to let me know he had to poop. Oh Lovely. I had been awake until almost midnight, so, yeah, you do the math. I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep. Does that mean I have a right to be snarky? NO, I am on purpose choosing it. I tried to go back to sleep to no avail, finally got up around 5:30 ish a.m. to shower and get ready for my day. I listened to an inspirational teaching. I prayed, thinking happy thoughts. Got ready for work, took Daniel to the bus stop, kissed him good bye. Came home for a few minutes before I drove off to work.
And then it hit me.
Easter is on my birthday this year. April 16th is Easter. My Mom always called me her Easter bunny. I have always made a big deal about getting everyone in the house an Easter basket. Even the young adult children and partners. Its been fun. But, the Easter bunny is not why I was thinking about God. And what a snarky gal I was in my thoughts this morning.
Do you ever have a day when, you've done all the "right" things, but in your heart you feel angry? I was having one of those moments. I actually said out loud to myself, the world is Lucky I am not Jesus. I'd flatten everyone in my path today. I am just not impressed. I was tired. I was angry with myself that I was having such a hard time with what I was giving up for Lent. I did not even feel loving at all.
And then a thought emerged in my brain.
"Julie, you are loving and merciful and grace filled...because of Me...God. These other people you are angry with? They aren't choosing my best. They are not choosing love. They are not choosing kindness. But, you do, and you can, because you choose Me, every day...and that is hard, but always the good choice."
And then I thought...I really wish more people would just choose God. Choose to Love, not Hate. Choose to Forgive, and not hold onto anger. Choose to support, and not tear down. Choose to be Kind, and not gossip. Choose healing over inflicting more hurt and wounding. All these opposite, unkind behaviors are so not God at all. The unhealthy behaviors seem to infiltrate when we least expect it. We let our guard down, we trust, we believe, and then BOOM. A wounding occurs. Shrapnel everywhere. And my first impulse is to run someone over with my car. HEYYYY don't tell me you haven't thought about it when someone has harmed someone you love! But I don't, I continue loving, granting mercy and forgiveness, and grace. Its not me doing it though, its God coming out through me. In my own strength, apart from recognizing the miracle of life that I am and that you are....I would not function like this.
On my own, I would hate. I would be bitter. I would find fault and criticize. I would wish only ill for people who harmed anyone I love. I would say unkind words. I would be hopeless and unhappy. I would be shallow. I would say cruel things to the people I loved. I would use abusive language when I got angry.
I would be an extremely unpleasant Jesus.
Some people are able to hold it together for a while in their own strength. Behave well for an hour or two or one hundred. But, your unwell, unkind, absent soul eventually shows itself. And its ugly, and its mean, and its unkind.
We are not born mean. We are not born unkind. We are not born unloving or cruel. Those attributes happen as a result of treatment we receive that we were never meant to deal with. We are all created in Gods image. We are all miracles. We are all created with the goodness of God in each and every one of us. We were created to love one another. On my great days I can give away the love of 1000 people. Today, I'm feeling snarky and a very bad Jesus.
My hope as I get sleep tonight, spend time in prayer and some introspection that I will turn my snarky self around. I will. I can. I do.
What I am truly wishing for is for those that continue being snarky, could you maybe consider being nice? I would so appreciate it, and so would everyone else around you.
I love you,
Snarky, happy, Jesus-ey self.
Julie Erb Robbins
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