Imma little scared.......

Yes, I am. I can be a fearful person. I just sent a message this morning to a friend and someone who is going to come with me this afternoon to meet Mom. I let him know, Hey, Mom has this rule about taking off your shoes in her house. I just wanted to let you know and see if that is a problem for you. The response was, No, not a problem, but thanks for the heads up. I responded with...I know, weirdo messages early on a Sunday morning...You will say after this, Now I know why she's messed up, I'm a little nervous....Yes, I can tell....no need to be.....

No need to be.....

No need to be nervous??????????

ohmyg...I'm anxious and nervous and scared, right now, over thinking life in general.

Here's a peek....in the window of Jules.....thoughts that have run through my brain my whole life.

What If?

What if they think I'm weird?
What if I do or say something wrong?
What if I'm not pretty?
What if they leave?
What if she won't be my friend anymore?
What if I'm honest, I hurt you, and you are gone forever?
What if I say No?
What if I say Yes?
What if I just let life happen, and I don't like it?
What if I miss out on _______?
What if I gain weight?
What if I'm broke and homeless?
What if I say what I feel and you reject me, my feelings, everything?
What if I'm wrong?
What if I'm right, because my gut does know...it does..

If you aren't a nervous wreck after reading this ping pong of emotions that runs through my mind you are a very strong, centered person, whom I strive and wish and desire to be.

Part of the reason I began Heart of the Moon Consciousness Therapy with Grace Smith was because I had actually tried EVERYTHING else. As I learned to center my Self, Love my Self, acknowledge my Self, and desired to heal my Self of hurts that brought me to these scared emotions all kinds of things came up.

As a parent, I have tried to absolutely protect my children. A very loving dear Love said to me I was defensive, and did not need to be with them, I could absolutely be myself, no judgement. When Grace and I talked about that, her first comment to me was..."That person loves you. They are trying to show you love." I never thought of it like that. And we reframed the possibility that I've been in protection mode, which looks like me protecting everything about my Self, including my children because I am afraid. But, when feeling loved, accepted, and not judged, I can be unafraid. I don't need to be anxious.

So why did I send that message this morning???? Because I was afraid. Busted.
I cared what this person was going to think or say after spending time with my Mom, but still wanted their professional opinion, so I am going to do this meeting today anyway. And as a thank you, I'm taking them out for dinner afterwards...woot woot....my favorite part of the day...eating... LOL.

Sometimes, just sometimes, even when you are practicing the things that you think will work to bring you into peace, you aren't there. Sometimes you want something, and you have to wait. Sometimes you have to patient with yourself especially when you realize there is still work to do. Sometimes you have to love your Self, even when you don't like your responses. Sometimes you have to stop judging your Self so harshly, and give your Self a mental hug. All this acceptance of my Self is very hard work.

I heard a song this morning. It warmed my heart and gave me happy thoughts, and assured me that every little thing would be alright.... music is a good thing to calm the soul....

So, as I go about my day Less Afraid, or maybe, not at all afraid....

Knowing that every little thing will be okay....

I love you. All of You. All of it. Life....

Love, Jules

That time you thought life was difficult???? Nah....

I remember when I was giving birth to Kristen. It took 2 hours and 23 minutes to push her out. She was 8lbs 3 oz. 22 inches long.... and it was hard to get her out. I had a midwife, no drugs, and I had taken Lamaze so I knew how to do the breathing....HEY!!!! THIS MAY BE WHY I HATE BEING TOLD TO BREATHE....ptsd from giving birth, now that actually makes sense....

Not to be grossly graphic, but the stretching and positions I was put in to move her, oh my dear god, I thought I was going to die. At one point Carl turned on a video camera, oh my god, why does anyone tape this stuff....and later when he was trying to watch it, and I heard myself sobbing this etheral sounds, like, seriously in relief and agony, at the same time, after she finally came out....I made him turn it off, because it almost sounded like a hurt and dying animal....it wracked me to my core to just hear that level of pain....that was me. I thought that was the worst.

I went on to have 4 more pregnancies, I have been pregnant 6 times. I thought each miscarriage would kill me. My other 2 live births went without a hitch. Except Elizabeth was almost born in the car because I went into labor early, and fast, and we hadn't gotten the car inspected, so, yes, Carl stopped to get the car inspected....we made it to Bangor from Howland in 20 minutes...

I thought the first heart break in the house was going to kill me. If you haven't experienced your daughter's first break up, you have not lived as a parent. Sorry, its a special kind of hell. But, we went on to weather more pain in that area, to which, I seriously wish I had started drinking sooner....don't judge me. When your kid is in emotional pain, you want to die, because there is nothing you can do.

Elizabeth's back surgery. The ride home from Boston Children's Hospital post op..... No one in their right mind wanted to be in that van. I wanted the oxy and valium. Double doses. And the summer that followed....oh my god.....Carl slept on the floor next to her at night in the downstairs bedroom. Medicating her every 2 hours. Kristen helped her shower. I took care of Daniel and the house. Talk about a summer on auto pilot.

When Kristen moved out to get married, I could not go in her room for 6 weeks. It was her bedroom. She wasn't coming back. Ever. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried every day for 6 weeks. Then I totally cleaned the room, and Elizabeth moved into her room. When Elizabeth left and moved into her college dorm, same thing. I cried, tears of joy, NOOOOOO...just kidding....LOL....I cried because the house was so damn quiet without her....I mourned almost the whole year.

Somewhere in all that, Daniel started kindergarten. By now I was a pro at this school thing. But, I didn't have time to be sad because I went back to work. I've only recently felt the loss of my son as he has entered into the boy world of fortnite, and basketball, and pokemon, and making more friends....he loves me, of course, but he's growing up, becoming independent, breaking away from Mom.

I was saying to a friend recently at Denny's
"Remember when I thought that first break up was going to kill me??? Do me in emotionally??? I cried a river?????"  Oh my....I had no idea what was to come....

Every time I leave my Mom's now its a struggle. Her mind is dying. I get to watch. I get to have a front row seat to watching my Mom fade. This absolutely could be the worst thing.

I've lost people before. Or they have disappeared. Or I like to call it "Gone on Vacation"....and I can only hope they look me up when they land again on solid ground. I never go anywhere...I am always here.....

I've had some recent personal struggles, to which I think, can I really feel any worse? I've never felt this level of despair in my entire life. I have only shared the high lights of some of my difficult things. Some difficult things aren't for public consumption, but if you ask me in private, I may reveal some of my truths to you if I trust you.

As I drove away from my Mom's today I drove by the rail road tracks, parked my vehicle, then sat, and cried. Life makes absolutely no sense. Its too short. You want to try again. You actually WANT to breathe, but somewhere along the way you forget how, but no one cares to stay around to help you to breathe, and as you are gasping for air, you have to decide in that moment to get out of the vehicle and walk. And so I did. I walked, and I walked, and I walked.

I found these two cool heart stones. I looked ahead, and realized, I could not see what was around the bend, and I thought, that's life. No one can see what's around the bend.

That labor with my first baby and the year afterwards it took for me to fully recover? I thought that was going to kill me. I could not see what was around the bend.  The accident I was in this fall that totaled my car? As I was spinning around, I could not see what was around the bend. These honest feelings I feel, I can not see what is around the bend. Will my Mom know me in a year? Will she be alive? I cannot see around the bend.

So, what can I do?
I'm thinking I will just keep walking. I will keep my love rocks in my pocket. I will actually keep breathing. I will keep writing my thoughts and feelings and sending them out into the Universe to my lovely soul's mate who will pick up on my vibe and send them all back to me.....I will keep enjoying cherry margaritas....I will keep dreaming....I will go exploring, near and far.
And I also will know, more difficult is coming.

I Love You. My You. All You.

Love, Jules.

Real Time...What I Struggle With....Time to be Genuine

I've tried my entire life to see the good in the middle of the terrible, but something is changing in me. I have this desire to be truthful about what I struggle with. I'm going to talk about the terrible. Its not fun, its risky, but if I am going to be genuine, I am going to tell my story. I am someone who has struggled with anxiety my whole entire life. It almost brings me to tears even admitting this out loud. I remember being a 4 year old, sitting on a toilet, and my Nana saying, What a big butt you have, and laughing, commenting on my chubbiness. She was just being funny. Anxiety about what I looked like started then!

I remember being in 2nd grade and having a field day and worrying about my legs being in shorts. My Mom said, Oh dear, you're just husky. You have husky legs.

I remember walking down the hall and a girl telling me from behind I had a way bigger butt than anyone else. That was fourth grade. I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to like me. For just being me....big butt and all.

In fourth grade I began having these attacks. I think they would call them panic attacks now, but back then I was sent down the nurse's office to breathe into a bag. I would loose vision, my whole left side would go numb, I would get a migraine. This continued for years. My Mom was told I needed psychological help, but I got none. Middle school is a night mare for most, but I was especially gormy...tall, husky, greasy, acne, thick coke bottle glasses. Just horrible. But, I never missed school, got decent grades, had a few friends, but not many. I was teased mercilessly by boys who told me how ugly I was. I believed all of it. Every last word.

I went to high school with renewed esteem as I worked all summer long babysitting to save up $300 so I could get contact lenses. I remember my friend Renee's expression when I showed up with those contact lenses. Her Mom said I had the most beautiful blue eyes......

I thought the contact lenses would fix me into believing I was beautiful, curb all that anxiety.

I just wanted someone to like me. I just wanted someone to love me. That's it. I think that's all I have ever wanted. 

But I still had so much scarring from the ugly comments, the feelings I wasn't good enough, that I had to earn friends, that I had to work to get people to like me, or love me.

I was recently talking to a dear friend and asked  "What is Wrong With Me?"
Why would you say that? was the response I got.
"I don't know, I just always think there is something wrong with me and that's why, no matter how I try, or give, or love, people find better things to do. I think there really is something wrong. I share my self. I share my heart. I share, as honestly as I can..."
There is nothing wrong with you.
Nothing.

I listen to what they say, about nothing being wrong with me, I try to  believe it.

I was at a memorial service this fall and I was told that the most depressing year in life is your 50th year, after your 50th birthday. Well, oh fucking joy. Yup. I said Fuck. Sometimes that's the only word I got.

This morning I was sitting at the breakfast table in the kitchen.
So, whats up with your nails?
I have small nails, they don't fit my hands.
No, I mean, it looks like you have been biting them.
I can't help it. I do it subconsciously. I'm nervous. I feel anxious.
Oh, well. I knew it wasn't just your nails are small.  

When a person, Me, struggles to keep the anxiety at bay, I do things like
Talk
Reach Out
Depend on People who I feel deeply connected to
Read
Write
Do a practice I've learned that calms me down
Love
Love My Self

The absolute hardest thing that happens to me that skyrockets my anxiety is when people don't respond or are unavailable. My Mom is leaving me every single day. And I have no choice. Not one choice in the matter.  It sucks quite frankly.
Totally Sucks......

When people tell me to just BREATHE.....I want to say "Really? what do think I'm doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm probably crying, and then trying to cover it up because I have an 8 year old boy I'm still trying to make life magical for but, honestly,  I don't want to breathe. I want someone else to breathe for me, or care, or respond, or simply Love, Or, excuse me, if I'm typing, or talking, I'm OBVIOUSLY breathing. Yup, that honestly runs through my sweet little brain.  And then I tell my Self to take a deep breath...LOL...Maybe what people SHOULD say is
"I'm here for you" "I love you" "I care" "I'm sorry your are feeling this way" or, my personal favorite
"Calm down, this will be okay, give it a little time...."  (my sister)....

I've also discovered this thing called "Telling the Truth".
That doesn't help anxiety either. LOL. Because when you finally open up, you finally trust, you finally erupt with all kinds of "truth" you've been storing up, that, by the way, has probably been what has fed my dragon of anxiety, what do you know?

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE OR ACCEPT YOUR TRUTH!
Or, they disregard it....
Or act like you never said it....
But, its mine, so, does it really matter what anyone thinks??

I had a moment recently where I was so discouraged, I thought, lying IS easier.

I know this isn't my usual happy blessed in the nest post.
#genuinein2019

A friend called me recently about something I posted on facebook. They said
"Don't ever get on facebook again when you're in that kind of mood...Call Me".... and we proceeded to send each other drunk Kermit the Frog memes until I could not stop laughing. 

P.S.  If you feel the need, send me Kermit the Frog Memes...they will make my day better.

Why have I rambled on? Because today is a day I want to ramble. I want to share a small view into my life. You just got to peep in my window without being a peeping Tom and getting the cops called on you...Because I am trying to be as genuine as I can be in 2019.

I have no idea how 2019 will turn out, but I will keep you posted.

I am hoping as I am learning to cope, things will get better.
They have to.

And never under estimate your presence in someone's life.
It could be the one thing that keeps them sane, keeps them breathing, makes their heart happy, and makes them smile....

I Love You,

Love, Jules

2019 Here I Come

For some reason I have not had as many views on my blog posts.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe its because I'm sharing some raw truths that people can not handle.

My life has changed a lot in the past several years.
I'm like a kid, seeing the cake, for the very first time in her entire life.

I'm listening to conversations with new understanding.

I don't take everything you say at face value.
I'm watching your actions.
I've stopped blaming myself for other's behavior.
I'm not chasing people.
I'm watching what happens when you stop trying to create and its been eye opening.

Someone sent me a post about Owning Who You Are and accepting the fact that many simply won't get it.

I was at a breakfast yesterday and said what I felt. I was told I have lost my filter. I asked my sister about it afterwards and she said, Well, we have been taught to bottle everything up our whole entire lives to make it nice for everyone else....you aren't going to do that anymore. Take it or Leave it....  by the way, we all had fun at the breakfast...I love my friends, Old and New.

I listened to a Lauren Daigle song...It about sums all this up.....

2019 Will be interesting.
My aim is to be as honest as I can be, if only with myself.
I will continue to wake up.
I will continue to let go of the fear of what other people will think.
I will remain as loving and kind as I can possibly be.
I will take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually.

I Love You,

Jules.

You Deserve More...

The holidays are upon us.

We are thinking of shopping, getting gifts for loved ones, or maybe, not so loved ones, obligatory ones...teacher gifts, coach's gifts, mail carrier gifts......On and on and on......

Why?

I was in a recent conversation with a lovely soul mate who said to me
"You deserve more....."
More what??? And this human proceeded to tell me exactly what they thought.....

Later in the morning I talked to my sister, another soul mate....
"Do you know I don't know one single person who hasn't experienced things in their life that they didn't deserve? Not one person I know intimately has missed out on the opportunity to experience the hard of life....NOT ONE..."
We pondered that thought.
Huh, that is true.
Not One.

So, what is it that I deserve?

I will tell you what....

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be well loved.
I deserve to be respected.
I deserve to be responded to.
I deserve to be heard, valued, and included.
I deserve friendship.
I deserve people in my life that get my soul and connect to it.

I also think in the having and receiving of all these lovely entities, I deserve to Love Myself...so that I am not reliant on others to produce all these wonderful experiences in my life. I can have all those "deserves" from myself. I am not going anywhere, ever.....So, what if I loved me well?

I love people.
I LOVE YOU.
I can't help it.
Its seriously a problem.
Because when I love people, and they say things like..

"You deserve better. Or you deserve More. And since I can't give you what I think you deserve, that means I can exit....I can leave.....I'm off the hook. I can disappear into the ether of your life, never to be heard from again...."
Its a cop out.
Its lame-o.....Lame.

Please think twice before you tell another human what you think they deserve.
And if you are doing it so you can exit their life? That's on you, not them.
Deserving has nothing to do with it...at all.

When I tell you I love you, its not because you deserve it from me. Its because I feel it in my soul. I want you to know. I want you to know there is someone in the world who knows you, cares about you, is there when you need a friend, or a confidant, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen. Judgement Free. My heart and mind are wide open.......

I have been learning about myself.
I have been learning about how to love me.
I have a super easy time loving others, but myself? Hard.
I have woken up on new levels. I don't quite know how to explain it, but its like waking up into a new dream. But realizing how asleep you've been. So you are kind of sad, but happy, all at the same time.
I'm not growling at others as I'm awakening, its my journey. No one else has to change.
But that statement of "You deserve more.." Nahhhhhhhhhhh

I get what I get and I don't throw a fit....

If I want to change something about myself, sure.
But don't tell me what I deserve. Or
don't.

See it for what it is...a cop out.......an insecurity within yourself, thinking you have to provide some certain experiences to be part of my life, or anyone else's life.......Let that Go. And just be in people's lives without the heavy weight of expectations...

We deserve nothing and everything...
All at the same time.....

I love you.

Love, Jules

My Opinion Doesn't Matter, and Neither does yours....post 200ish

I had a jillion and one opinions growing up.

A gazzilion.

I am not joking. Not one little bit.

(that's me, on the left, with my Mom in the middle, and my wonderful sister, Wendi)

Most of that was fed by my religious upbringing that taught me there was exactly ONE WAY of doing everything right, and if you did not do things that ONE WAY you were wrong, and by god, if you were wrong, well, life was officially over.

I made all my life choices based on my opinions. I was right. All the time. I had to be. There was no room for error. Life of a perfectionist.  A person who believed she was doing life "the Right Way", at all times, no room for error. Did I say "No room for Error???". Trust me, I do not jest......
Talk about pressure......

Well, if that isn't a recipe for "Crash and Burn" I don't know what is......

But, the beautiful thing about crashing and burning is you get to start all over.

And that is what I have been doing. Starting all over, with myself. Because I am the only one I am truly responsible for, Me. And how I am in the world. And what I believe about myself. And how I love myself.

I was in a recent conversation with a dear lovely person and I realized afterwards....
I am not that person anymore.
My opinion doesn't matter.
To Me. Or anyone Else.
It Doesn't Matter.
and
Neither Does Yours.

the next thought was....
Freedom.
Freedom from being right.
Freedom from judging myself, or others, for anything.
Freedom from thinking there is a right answer....btw...there is not. But even me saying that...Doesn't Matter.
Freedom from thinking there is some place to get to, or do, or make, or even BE.....

What does matter?
I don't know, but I get to choose.....from the ground up.
Gutting the sources that fed my opinions, need for perfectionism, to be right?
Not necessary. Gutting.

It may sound very scary to the person who thinks they
Need a plan
Have to be Right
Want to have their opinions heard
Think there is actually a place to get to.

I was that person.
And, it is a scary place to be, when you begin to peel back the layers, wake up, dream, and realize that you are letting go.
I Don't need to be right.
Nothing to control.
I don't need a crystal ball.
I don't need a sign.

I just need to be me, Julie Jules.

And she, is pretty damn AWESOME.

I love you,

Love, Jules.

My Daniel......my heart.

When I became a Mother, I thought I wanted 4 children.  All girls, of course. I remember reading some book about boys explaining why they are wild, and one needs to simply accept it. I remember thinking, I can't handle wild. I can't. I don't want to. I don't like noise. This was 21 year old me talking, and she was an absolute expert on EVERYTHING...... To this day, I question why I had friends....LOL...

I was 27 when I had Kristen. She was a love. Always happy. Loved to nurse. I could not put her down if I wanted to. My mom used to tell me, you are going to spoil her. I remember thinking...SO WHAT. I love this baby so much.

I was 29 when I had Elizabeth. She was a wonderful easy and quick delivery. She nursed like a champ. 7 minutes on each side, easy peasy. She was content to be held, or put down, or sleep in her car seat. She was so calm, especially since she was constantly being harrassed by her sister, who, if I turned my back ever, was grabbing, pulling, carrying by the neck, jumping on, (yup, Kristen jumped into the bassinet, from our bed, and rode her like a horse....I almost went insane honestly)....

So 2 was all I could handle. That was it. 4 kids was an INSANE idea. INSANE.

I had several horrible miscarriages. We were just talking about one of them the other day. Without going into massive detail, the whole front seat of our little Toyota Corolla was filled with blood as it ooozed out of me on my way to the hospital. Filled. Dripping. My step father Ray came to the hospital, took the car, and cleaned it all out for us. Talk about something a parent never wants to do for a child. The idea of that loving man taking such care to clean it out for us before we had to use it again.....still brings tears to my eyes.

Why would you want to have more kids? I don't know. I just wanted to. I really wanted to try one more time. I just did. I don't ask for much. I am not a demanding soul. It was just a thought in me, I could not shake, and voila, here is my boy.  There was more to it than that, but logistics and details don't matter.

What brings me to this post is a paper that was sent home this summer by Daniel's teacher, Ms. Jordan. She had a paper that asked what were Daniel's favorite things, and then the other sheet said
"In a million words or less...."  we were asked to write about our child...I loved it.

Here's what I wrote.

Daniel is our youngest child. He has two much older sisters, Kristen, who is 23, and Elizabeth, who is almost 21. Their significant others, Lucas (married to Kristen) and Keanu (with Elizabeth) all love Daniel very much. I teach Kindergarten Literacy at Fruit Street and his father Carl, teaches math at Bangor High School.

Daniel is a happy boy. He and I "adventure" together. We spent out last day (yesterday) at Sand Beach in Acadia. He plays alot outside with other children in the neighborhood. He likes to read. He enjoys Cub Scouts. Daniel is well loved by all of us, but not spoiled (surprisingly-being the youngest, and biggest age gap.).
He is very smart. Carl likes to do "math facts" with him. I've always loved reading to him. He is curious.
He is quiet in a crowd. He will hang back and appear like he's not as engaged, but he's assessing the situation. He is a thinker. He's calm, but enjoys playing with friends, but has no problem just hanging out with Mom or Dad.
Carl and I will never bother you. We do not have a long list of expectations. (Been there, done that!) We just want him to enjoy school, which he does, and be his happy self. Please call us if you need us. Thank you for your excitement!!!!
Sincerely, Julie Robbins

A lot less than a million words, but it says what it needs to. I wanted to record this in my blog as a 3rd grade memory for Daniel.

What I didn't include is that this child breathed new life into me.
I love him more than the world.
We each simply look at him sometimes, and I say, as I watch Carl,
"You know Daniel, your father is madly in love with you....and so am I..."

This older parenting this is hard. Not gonna lie. The exhaustion level has its high peak moments, but the patience I have, never ending. There's nothing to get that upset about. Ever.

The parties are WAY LOUDER.....oh my....WAY LOUDER. WAYYYYYYYYYY.....
The last party we had my sister said..."How are you so chill. You never miss a beat. I'm sitting over here needing many beers, and you're like, hostess with the most-est...chill."

I love this boy.
His love for me is like nothing I've experienced. He just loves his mumma.
The other day we were having our Thursday night ritual of going to Governors for kids night. I was feeling sad, but we were having a nice conversation, and all of the sudden, he says,
"Mom, I feel like you need one of my hugs....I feel it." and he hugged me, and I teared right up in Governors. He was right. He always knows. Always.

I wanted to record this, so when he's a much older boyman, he can look back and read this and know how much we love him.

I love you, boyjoy.

Love,
your Mumma

Don't Listen to Me.....

Recently during one of my relaxation sessions thoughts about what I had listened to over the years, came up.....

I love to soak in a tub, have candles, and relax. Its wonderful.

I will not point fingers, that's not the purpose of this "cleaning out" for me. I will not blame anyone, or curse out anyone in a blog post and I will not overly praise anyone either. My special people already know who they are and don't need my admiration.

Its really hard work, this cleaning thing.

Deciding what goes. I may really love that "couch", or "bedspread", or "wall hanging", but it just can't stay if I am going to make it my "authentically me" room.

And then, there are things that can stay. Things that now resonate in my rooms of thoughts, or doings, or beliefs.

Why am I saying "Don't listen to me" now?

Because, as I go on this journey of mine, I am realizing, I listened to EVERYONE, but myself.
I listened to religion.
I listened to my Mom.
I listened to my Dad.
I listened to my guidance counselor.
I listened to my friends.

I never asked myself what I was thinking.
What did I really want?
What did I really think, minus all the "advice" that I swirled in.
If what I thought did not align with all those well meaning, wisdom filled talkers, I thought I was wrong. I believed that. Julie, you are wrong if you question, don't follow, live differently.

Not True.

I did not listen to myself.

"There is no reward for not listening to your heart."  Jules (me)

I said that to myself this morning.

So,
I want to say to my kids.  (All 3 of them are in this picture.....smile)

Don't listen to me.

I would like to think I've done a decent job encouraging them to follow their hearts, forge their own way, make life look like the journey they want to be on. I'm here, supporting and loving and being proud, and just being here to come to when there is a need, and welcoming them with open arms.

I want to also say to my kids.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you have ever felt bossed around or controlled.
I'm sorry if I have over stepped your boundaries of what you felt made you feel comfortable.
I'm sorry if you didn't feel accepted or understood or believed.
Because I want you to be free to be yourself. Just be, and listen to your heart. Listen to yourself.
Follow your own dreams. Live life as you see fit.
I will be here, with open arms. Always.

I am learning to listen to myself.
I am learning to open my mind, heart, and being, to new things, that are actually old things and thoughts that have always been there, but were deafened by all those other voices telling me how to live my life.

I love you.

Jules.

I'm Actually Alone......

Yesterday I had the opportunity to be alone.

A dear friend said to me recently "You are always alone, more than anyone I know...."  That statement depressed me.

I realized yesterday how truly inaccurate that statement was.

The boys had an opportunity to go camping with more boys....Thank You Remi. I am indebted to you for something really big. I smiled internally that I was not included in the camping trip. I have done a thousand camping trips (yup, slight embellishment, but when you've slept in a tent as many times as I have, well, then we can talk....) and did so to spend oodles of time with my girls and Carl and dogs and pine needles and rain and....bonus...bacon&egg breakfasts and camp coffee....

It meant I was alone....for the whole weekend...in my house.

Most people I know are doing weekend-y things and shut their phones off and try to decompress from the work week. Most people I know are in relationships of one kind or another that may require weekend attention. Most people I know who have an 8 year old have younger children and are doing family-ish things with said children and significant others....

That REALLY leaves me alone...up the creek...without a TEXT.....

Whatever did I do with myself???

Backing up 8 years.  I began this blog because I had this dear sweet son of mine at age 42 and he changed me. Completely. My core Julie is still present, but he changed my perspective on EVERYTHING.... I began writing this blog to share my journey into this change in thoughts, actions, parenting journey, what I valued, but being truly ALONE brought up a whole shit ton of stuff.

Like thoughts.

Being alone isn't so bad.
There IS more to life than being a parent.
If my life completely revolves around the presence of others, I've disappeared.
Being Lonely Sucks.
Being okay with silence is good.
Not talking is GOOD.
Taking a long lavender bath is SO GOOD.
Turning up the music in the car and singing as loud as I want to 80's tunes??WAY FUN.

(I LOVE ROD STEWART>>>there, I said it. I LOVE HIS MUSIC)
I'm never alone.
Even when I'm "alone", I'm not.

The last thought hit me like a ton of bricks.
Even when I'm alone....I'm not.

I'm not.
I work. I come home. I have things to do. People to see. Errands to run. Kids to worry about...getting better at letting that go... I have exercising to do. My thoughts never leave me, so the internal conversations are on going. I got a call at 6a.m. from my worried mother that she was not going to make it to church, could I find the church and bring her. WHAT THE HELL.

So yesterday. I went.

I actually climbed up on some rocks, found a pocket for myself, and sat. And did some relaxation techniques I've been learning, and some consciousness practices, and let the ocean's presence captivate me. No talking. No texting. No messenger-ing. No thinking. Just allowing the presence and majesty of this big created water enter into my thoughts. I began to feel as if the ocean was some big furious lover that could never be satisfied. And I got to sit there, and choose. Do I dive into all this Love, do I let it over take me, or Do I just sit here and be simple satisfied that I was just close enough to touch and feel the Universe at my feet. Big sigh. BIG breath.

When I was fully hungry, I went to my spot to eat. I broke my fast. Since I've been fasting its amazing how much less I need or want to eat. That's another blog post...

I drove home, in the dusky silence, and decided I was done with the silence and played tunes as LOUD AS I WANTED....  I am not someone that even likes to listen to music, but, it was such a comfort. Remembering all those fun times through song. And I sang as loud as I wanted. I do know all the words.... LOL...

I got home, went into the house.
Alone. Completely. No noise. No persons. Just the dog, which, I am not an animal lover, I am a people lover, so the dog does not count as something that brings me companionship or love or something to communicate with...sorry animal lovers, sorry.

As I walked up the stairs the loneliness rolled over me like an ocean wave and not like a good lover.
A sob caught in my throat.
I am learning through this new therapy I'm in to just allow the feeling, don't suppress is. Feel it, let it move through you, then let it go. So I cried. Sobbed actually. I'm ACTUALLY alone. No one is coming home. No one is here to talk to. No one to text, messenger, call. Complete Silence.
I let myself feel lonely.
Cried.
Then took my deep breaths.
Its okay to feel that way...now what?
Take a Lavendar bath and soak.
Watch Shameless.
Drink a Smirnoff
Munch on a few crackers.
Go to bed.

And it was GOOD.
Very Good.
Not ferocious Ocean lover good....
But, you know....you get the point.

I'm a lover of people. LOVER. Love. I love my people. I love people.

But.

Being completely alone, for like, 48 hours, is okay too.

I love you.
Your Lover.
Jewels.
Julie Erb.
J. Robbins.
You pick.

Making Assumptions.....I'm Guilty.

 I cried a shit ton yesterday. Yup. I did. There are several people I am blaming for that, but, they will remain nameless....Because occasionally I try to be subtle. LOL. Nope, I'm not subtle.

But I did cry buckets upon buckets and if you think I'm too dramatic...
Tough Shit. I don't really care. Yes I do, but I can't and won't change for you.

This has been a hard week.

I made the comment to my sister that this has been one of the best summers on record. But, there are always hard parts to anything that's "The Best", right? What do they say? No good deed goes unpunished?

 I realized this week I still have triggers.

Abandonment
Chaos
Need for Control

Just to name a few.... I always think I've reached some new level of self actualization, but No. I have not. 10 steps forward....8 back. I can't be the only one.

I brought my daughter back to college. Hotter then hell, exhausting, sad as I drove away. I felt this missing, like, she is really growing up and may never come back, and now we get along more times than not, sadness. Like, why didn't this happen years ago? sadness. I actually cried for an hour getting out of the city.

I went to the ocean afterwards to nurse my bruised heart.

I was completely spent mid week, and then I had more company. Things happened I was not planning on.

Do you ever enter into a situation with people, or a conversation that you simply did not for see happening? And you process it to death afterwards until your mind is so numbed and you think every bad thought about yourself, and then wonder? Why the hell do I love anyone because its just one big hairy let down. Time after time after time.

And they I realized.....

Assumptions.

I make a million assumptions based on MY LIFE EXPERIENCE. MY LIFE.
I know, assumptions means making an ass out of u and me. Yup. Got it peeps.
Oh wait, that's ASSUME.....but, you get it.

I can't be the only one. The only one who makes assumptions.
But in my naivete, my trusting nature, my world view, I have adhered to many assumptions.
Which is fine, when they just belong to me. But that is NEVER WHAT HAPPENS.....
Assumptions filter onto every single other relationship I have with every single other human.

That's an assumption. Mine.

Another one. Mine.

Really? What does that even look like????? My Assumptions tells me what it is SUPPOSE to look like.......

Mine again, but really? How can I be full of passion 100% of the time...????
What about being boring, like 15% of the time?
What about when I'm down?
What about when I just want to cry?
Like, how the absolute hell should I be boring,....... passionately so???

There are soooo many things I read that tell me how to do this life. I mix it with my life experience. And I come up with assumptions. And they don't fit into other people's lives... AT ALL....
Because of that, I walk away hurt, disappointed, feeling like I've done something wrong, been something wrong, or said/texted something wrong because I am not getting my desired outcome.

If you love me, you will ________________.
If I love you, I will_____________________.
If I make this much money, I will______________________.
If you are my friend, you will________________________.
If you have time, why aren't you___________________.
If someone is sick, why aren't you___________________.

Just a few assumptions.

I was talking to my sister recently, and she said to me...
"that has nothing to do with whether someone loves you....you are mixing up the two. One has nothing to do with love. Leave it at that. Just leave it. You are meshing everything up like its one thing...its not..."

"Stop meshing things up together like that are all connected and have all these dual meaning that you are overthinking........"

Other people may not wonder, but I do. But, that is assuming everyone loves like I do. And maybe my way is not the only way. Maybe my way is not the best way. MAYBE my way of thinking and doing is SIMPLY my way. And my way only. Maybe there is actually a different way, and the reason I have all these people, and experiences, is to teach me a different way. Maybe giving up assumptions about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING would mean that there are a million different ways to
Love,
Communicate,
Be,
Rest,
Accept,
Acknowledge,
Give,
Receive.

And maybe,
I need to accept others.
Just the way they are.
What they have offered, or not.
And realize,
nothing needs changing.

I apologize for my assumptions.
But it doesn't mean I didn't just have the longest cry ever.
It doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt.
And I will try not to mesh things together that aren't.


Much Love
I love you.

Julie.

I'm pushing Rewind, then Play............Remember the Good.

Most of us are looking for another chance to get something right. We desire a do over, a re-start, a new beginning, One More Chance to say it right, to be honest, to re-visit, or re-look, or hit the restore button on something we just deleted that we spent days, hours, weeks, possibly years, working on.

A job, a person, a scenario, is coming to your mind at this very moment.

I am an over thinker. I replay situations over in my mind just for fun. I try to remember what I said, how I felt, what I would do or say if I had another chance, how I could do the moment better....

Like there is somewhere better to get to, or somehow I could do life at that moment better. I almost laugh at this right now.

I just gave some advice to one of my loves by closing out the advice with

"from the Queen Of Over Thinking, Over Talking, Over Discussing. My advice? Let it Go...."

How hilarious is that???? Yup. I give great advice and follow none of it....LOL

I was teased recently about my wanderings to the beach. All in fun, not a second of cruelty, just that they were all wondering about it. Like, why? Why do you do that??

I'm trying to push Rewind.

I'm trying to Rewind in my mind while I am on my outings. I am alone most of the time when I'm doing this because I feel as if when I am in the moment with others, I don't want to be pushing a rewind button on another memory, I want to be in that moment with the people I am with, not wandering somewhere else. (I can't say I always do this, because you all are in my thoughts..) When I am alone, I don't feel a responsibility to be anything. I don't have to be happy, figuring things out for others, finding anything, planning anything, making anything happen.

When I am alone, I do nothing. I'm just me. Julie. I am only responsible for myself when I am alone.

So I can think. I can rewind, walk through, think, push Play, on some really good memories, and, I have to admit, some really bad ones. Its my way of resolving things that in truth, I have no control over. I formulate a plan of what I would do differently next time. How things might go if I was given another chance, even though that chance may never come. Its my planning session. My thinking session. My making peace with the Universe sessions.

To be honest, there are things that I will never be able to make peace with myself about. I can't. It involves other people, so I have to accept there will be no peace, or resolution, or another chance, but even in thinking about that....that is a resolution.

If you have been in my life, I have thought about you probably 1000 to a million times. No joke.
If I have shared special moments with you....you are in there for keeps.
If I have told you I love you....I've thought about you, and replayed the good memories.
If you have broken my heart...you are in there too. And I am trying to make peace.
If I have shared myself with you, my secrets, my desires, my dreams........You will be in my thoughts when I am on those alone excursions.

Another thing?

I've prayed for you too. Whether or not you believe in anything.... I do. I have furniture in my house I have knelt down at and prayed for you. I have. Its hard for me to get rid of some of that furniture for that very reason. There is one chair in particular that I will have in my death grip for that very reason even if its falling apart.

What I am trying to do now is focus on pushing the rewind and then hit play on the good memories.

Only the Good.
The Positive.
The Happy.
About You.

When you come home from a wake, or seeing your Mom who is clearly not herself and is fading fast, or children who are now adults and don't live with you anymore, but can do all the adult things you are so proud of them for doing......but you want to remember when they were little babies at the beach with you....Or when you would hold them...all day long....

You want to Push Rewind, then Play.....then Remember The Good.

Not the heartache, or the disappointments, or the times you thought you would never recover, or the gut wrenching separation, or the leaving, or the having to live without.

The Good. That's what I want to play Over and Over and Over Again....

Rewind, Play, Good.

Here's to more good memories.
Here's to more good moments.
Here's to Loving the Days.

I love you.

Really I do.

Julie

Have you tried EVERYTHING???? I have. Honestly.......

I will try just about anything....once. I am very curious. I have  loads of interesting people in my life, who have many unique, fun, out of the box, experiences.

I've herded sheep. I've counted grass. Grass that you mow, grass. I've weeded plots for graduate students. I've traveled. I've driven in big cities, multiple times. I've wandered with no purpose in mind, except to simply wander. I've eaten all kinds of foods, but can't bring myself to eat oysters..its a texture thing. I've given birth 6 times, 3 made it out alive. I've had at least 10 different types of jobs. I've run 4 businesses. I've been a mentor. I've run a board, held committee meetings, ran groups. I've maintained a 31 year relationship, and he seems relatively happy, but I did tell him this morning his secret is he is oblivious, which, I may try that skill. I have friendships that have lasted since my freshman year in high school and before. Someone is always calling, texting, messaging, wanting to do lunch, hang, drink, and simply laugh with me because I'm easy.

But, guess what.

I get why people quit.

Last night I had a moment where I thought, I know why people quit. I've tried everything I know to do, yet I lay here, in this bed, doing nothing but crying. My heart is so broken over so many things that I have absolutely no control over. NONE. And I want to quit. I want to give up. What if I disappeared out of all these lives I am simply crying about??? Would they care? Would they just go on without me? Maybe they don't care at all how they have affected me. Maybe they might miss me for a while, but then, you know, I, like everyone else, is replaceable.

Those were my thoughts.

I made a list of things I've tried.
Prayer
Bible Studies
Church
God
Jesus
Salvation
Sanctification
Marriage
Children
Friends
Relationships
Food
Drink
Crying
Being Happy
Being Positive
Honesty
Lying
Finding my spots
Meditation
Finding the Good
Forgiving
Being Angry
Journalling
Therapy
Massage
Reading Positive Books
Walking
Exercise

I've tried it all.
I can't make myself feel better.
I can't stop crying.

This is hard to write, because its brutally honest and raw and it actually brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how hard I have tried. With myself, with relationships, with loving others, with including others, with being involved, caring, listening, being as present as I can possibly be. I'm a quick responder.

But even with all that. All those experiences.

I wanted to quit last night and disappear.

And if I feel like this, and I always join Every Single Party In Life.....LATE. I can't be the only one.

Where do you even go from here? You ask.

I don't know.

But I do know what I am going to do today.
Apologize for my batshitz from yesterday.
Get flowers for Mom, and go visit Her.
Turn off my phone.

But the epiphany of last night will not be lost on me. You can seemingly have your shit together, and nobody knows how bad you want to quit. Because you are just so good at looking okay. You laugh easy. You smile easy. You aren't lying when you do either of those things.....but your heart is crumbling in a million and one pieces and you simply can't talk about it. I get you. I get you sister. I get you brother. And I am here. I don't really know what I have to offer, but I am here.

I am not quitting today.

I do love you. So much.
I wish I could hug you, pretend that I am.

You go to your place, I'll go to mine, and we will be together.
You are in my heart, my soul.

Another Day,
Another Chance.

Love,

Jewels. 

I'm a Guzzler...In a World of Sippers......

This is my all time favorite drink. It's called the "Pain Killer" and it is a signature drink at Geddy's in Bar Harbor. It was my very first drink ever that I shared with my sister. She says she hopes Carl doesn't think she polluted me....LOL... The drink is huge, it taste like heaven to me, which would include something coconut, pineapple, and lots of other stuff that makes me smile, and the Pain Killer does make me smile....

I could probably drink 3 of these easily, but.....if I wanted to drive I stop at 1. Which is seriously unfortunate because it tastes absolutely divine. 

Which brings me to my title.....

I like to guzzle. And I am living in a world of sippers. 

I realized this on the way home from one of my trips to gain some rest and insight. 

I am a guzzler, and not just with alcohol. And, by the way, I've yet to be drunk. My sister is amazed at how well I hold myself. She's like, well, you already are a happy sort, you just laugh a little louder, and that's about it....

I like to go fast. I am not a sit back and wait person. Probably one of the reasons I absolutely loved getting on the back of Carl's motorcycle when I met him. I was like, this is very cool, and very fun.  I absolutely loved riding that 750 Maxim...even in the rain. No helmet, in a sweater skirt, not a care in the free world, LOVED IT. 

I am all in. I am not half way into anything. Nothing is fun to me if its only half way. Like, why the absolute hell do it? Why bother otherwise? You are either IN or OUT.....

I want it now. Right NOW. Not a fan of waiting. If I have made up my mind about something, which, takes me no time at all, especially when I get a good vibe, I want it. I don't have to do a million fact checks, I don't have to shop around at 10 stores. I don't do polls to see how people feel....(ICK, that's for wimps....) I remember when Carl and I moved into this house almost 16 years ago. We were finally able to afford a matching furniture set. At about the 3rd store, and, by the way, I picked a set at each of the other two that I was good with as soon as I walked into the door....I looked at Carl as he hemmed and hawed about the best deal, the right color, and my eyes were rolling back in my head, 

"Why don't you take care of this. I'm about to pop a cork if I have to wait one more minute.."  He took me home, picked out all the furniture himself, had it delivered. I didn't even know what it looked like until it arrived, and quite frankly, didn't care. 

When I love you...You KNOW IT. Its never a mystery. But I find I am surrounded by sippers...and what that means is...I never know how anyone feels about ME. Sippers are hesitant, they TAKE THEIR TIME..they are CAUTIOUS>>> ohmyf.....Do you have any idea how that drives a guzzler CRAZY????? A guzzler praises, but rarely receives praise from the sippers. A guzzler LOVES with her whole freaking heart...and wonders why the absolute hell you don't respond. A LOVER like my self wants to give AND receive LOVE and not have to wonder what you are thinking. 

JUST TELL ME....JUST RESPOND to the damn text, message, phone call, letter, card, moment. THROW THIS GUZZLER A BONE......

I want life fixed now. You don't know how? Ask a guzzler. I have a million and one solutions, and I can almost guarantee they will, in fact, fix your problem, FAST, EFFICIENTLY, and EFFECTIVELY. 

But, guess what? It will require you sippers to take a risk. You will need to not care what others think. You will need to be brave. But, also, guess what? This guzzler will ALWAYS have your back, no matter what. No matter what others say or think...because...we don't care. We are passionate about solutions and we stand behind them and the people we love. 100 percent. 

I am a passionate person. I am all in. (and I repeat myself..for effect, because, I did, indeed already say that..LOL).. If you give me an inch, I will take 1000 yards. It you let me in for a minute, I will want to stay a lifetime. If you  tell me you love me, I will believe you. I will also believe that you will be there forever, because when I love, I love forever. I can't do it any other way. There is probably a reason I get walked away from. Because I never do the walking away. 

But, I'm learning this skill called "Pause".
Because all this passion needs to pause occasionally. Just Occasionally.
All this Love Making, needs to rest, because not everyone knows how to Make Love.
All this immediate, needs a slow down....

Take a deep breath, go to that special spot, and be still. And recognize....
I have a lot to learn from the Sippers,
And they have a lot of to learn from my Guzzling ways...

I love you all.
The Guzzlers....you got my heart beat.
The Sippers...you got my heart too, just let me know I have yours.
And everyone in between.

Love,

Jewels.
Who is truly figuring out who She Is.

50 Tomorrow....49FOREVER....I might know a little #shitbit

I'm grateful for my deep friends. One of the deepest is my sister. She has known me for 47 years. No one can beat that knowing. Oh what a treat I have been. (LOL) She brought these sweets to me as I napped Friday afternoon. I've been fighting a horrid cold for 2 weeks. Working, napping, blowing, coughing. But, I have this amazing nasally sounding Demi Moore voice going on...so...kinda sexy I'm told...
(See what's sexy when you're 50?? 20 somethings beware!!)


I went to one of my favorite spots to write and be yesterday....

Saturday April 14, 2018

I know and believe less and less.

I think there's a realm where we transcend to that makes us realize this as we age....at least that's where I've gone...

My thoughts are liberal, conservative, and everything in between. I've done my best to protect, but then gave up trying to protect and now trust that the Journey is your own, my own.
 I've been well,
 very well.
And sick,
 very sick
In heart, physical body, mind, and the spirit.

And, through this journey over the past years, I've come to a couple of conclusions. Some profound, some very simple. Its where I've wandered....

1.  Love with all heart,
 soul, body, and mind.
Even when it hurts, even when it would seem a bit unorthodox, even when it is a challenge.  The ecstasy of Loving Well and long and majestically far out weights any fear you might have about it.

2. Find places that bring your soul rest.
 Go there regularly. Do it for YOU. Never mind the weather, just Do It.

3. Be with people that are easy.
 Easy as Sunday Morning...easy as listening to rain while sitting quietly on a porch..Easy as a sunrise....EASY.  You only need one. But it must be easy, raw, genuine, broken, open, honest, easy... being those things may not BE easy, but when you're with that Easy Person its never difficult.
 Your soul and peace depend on it.

4. If you DON'T WANT to do something--DON'T DO IT.
If you WANT to do something--DO IT.
If it's fun and it makes you happy?? Bonus. DO IT A LOT THEN!!
But, live in the Want To more than the Obligated To....see how your life improves....

5. Faith is a funny thing.
As I have evolved in my faith, I believe it to be more simple than I've made it, and more complex and I don't need to figure it out. It is. I'm accepted by God. I'm loved. The rest is a mystery and I think....
I THINK...its meant to be that way.

50 years old on April 16, 2018!!!

So hard to believe, so young to still believe!!!

I love you my darling lovers.

Jewels

Still shining, still hoping, still loving.  ILY.
With all my beautiful messes included. 

#30....Broken.

I have found it particularly hard to write as of late. I guess what has made this time around difficult is that I have been made aware of those who are reading my writing who are creating  meanings unintended, which if I cared LESS what people thought, I would not be affected. I've received some push back in the past that has said...You are looked up to...be careful. Please don't look up to me for any reason. I cannot wear that pressure. I won't. I have changed. I'm still me, but life has changed me. I'm just as confused as most. I'm still seeking truth that works with what I know. I weekly created spaces for peace in my life. I am doing my best. I look for signs in the Universe so I know...I KNOW...that I've been seen and heard.

In one of my created spaces and moments I found those broken sand dollars, and YES..I found a whole one. Which caused me to pause and write in the very spot I found these broken pieces. I lay down in the sand, got out my notebook, and began to write these words....

Sunday, February 25, 2018

I'm alone at the ocean. Feeling the peace that comes to me when I let go. Many thoughts come to mind. People, places, experiences, feelings, deep realizations about love.

But I realize. I don't have to figure it out. I just have to feel. I just need to love and be loved. I simply need to embrace fully where I am.

I found these sand dollar pieces. I don't want pieces--I want the whole thing. In that moment a thought came to me...

Being broken up is to be discarded--not looked at, not considered.

I just want that whole sand dollar. They look better. They feel better. They seem all together--more appealing than pieces....

But,
I have been in pieces since the beginning of time.

All of us have been, all of us are----Broken Pieces.

From the beginning--our one perfectly intact cell--you--me--was required to split in two...

SPLIT IN TWO

Didn't stop there....2 became 4, which became 8, which became 16---until I, you, was completely created, completely a whole human being that, through all that brokenness, could be born, breathe, live, and create.

I created more broken pieces, named Kristen Hope, Elizabeth Grace, and Daniel Joseph. 
Three broken cells that formed three created beings.

And then it came to me so very strongly....
I was broken and split to be created and to create.
I was divided to be made whole.

I've been ripped apart to be a part of something so magical I can almost miss it because I'm constantly searching for A Whole Thing.
A put together Some Thing.
A perfect Looking Piece.

But.

Those broken pieces are what began each one of us. The brokenness perfectly crafts the wholeness.

Beautiful.

My broken pieces of love, life, my soul and body, yearn for the wholeness....But maybe, just maybe,
Those broken parts split in two and a million--are just as magical.

I love you. I love each piece of you. All of it.
What if I greeted each person, each moment, each second, like that?

I love you.
I love each piece of you.
All of it.

Love from me to You.
Jewels.