It was defined as: "the state of being calm, peaceful, AND untroubled." I may have shed just a few tears after reading that definition. Why? As I read through this prayer, I felt this mounting emotion of "I can never do that whole prayer...ever...especially not all at once, on any given day, at any given moment." I'm just being honest.
As a Mom, and Educator, and married person of almost 28 years, accepting things I cannot change are not part of the job description I have ever ascribed to. NOT change something? Are you kidding me? I have a plan for EVERYTHING! As a Mom, I read every book known to man when I got pregnant with Kristen. I wanted to know what to expect. I even read the pregnancy bible, "What to expect when you are Expecting", and then on to "What to expect the First Year, the Toddler Years, and the Preschool Years"...I remember saying to a friend, well, my kids are pretty much screwed after age 5 because that's when the "What to Expect" books end. As a teacher, I trouble shoot every single day. If its not working and my students are not learning, I do every single thing in my power to make sure my students are absolutely as successful as they possibly can be in literacy. I read, I study, I create new ways of writing that suits their needs, I look for materials that will grab their interest. My goal is that I have exhausted every single venue of learning so that they can learn. As someone who has been in a 30 year relationship, I never say "Die". Have I tried to get away a time or two or ten, only to be thwarted by a man who either pulled out a spark plug, or hid the keys, so I could not leave? ah, yes. Have we been drowning before? Have people questioned if we would make it? ah...yes. But, here we are...because we eventually stopped being immature dumb asses and sought resolution. RESOLUTION. FIXED IT, ACCEPTED IT, FORGAVE WHATEVER. There are a scant few things Carl has not liked about me over the years, and some things that drove me beserque about him...no joke. Eye rolling, mind numbing, crazy ass crazy, are we going to make it at all, moments. I was in fight mode, he was in flight mode....oh good lord. BUT WE FIXED IT>>>>> Accepting that something can't be changed has NEVER been part of my M.O. I fix, I change, I proactively create, I talk, I give in, I compromise, easy as 1, 2, 3, right?
The last part of the prayer about wisdom was a bit of a duhhhhh moment. I mean, I'm wise, right? I'm not stupid. I have a good sense about me. I have a good sense about the people I spend oodles of time with. But what is wisdom? The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement, the quality of being wise. Intelligence, common sense, shrewdness, prudence. I think I have most of those attributes.
Wisdom to know the difference between when to be serene and when to change.
That's the challenge for me.
Be still or do.
I'm a doer. I want to be your fixer, my fixer, any body's fixer. Talk to me. I can fix this. Just follow my instructions. I have a plan. I always always always have a plan to make things better, how to get along with everyone, how to have a successful relationship, what's important in life. I have experience in all these areas, and I have had success, just listen to ME!!!!! I CAN HELP YOU!!!!!!
Be still, breathe, trust that everything will work itself out?
All I can think of at this moment is a stream of swear words, honestly.
I remember when I lived in Howland and was in the middle of some pretty deep stress I would walk very early in the morning, when it was still dark, and I would walk across the bridge, over the water and the one phrase that came to my mind over and over and over as I looked at that placid water was...
"Be Still and Know that I Am God."
I hate being still. I hate being quiet. I hate relying on other people to do the right things. I hate not communicating, you might as well set me on fire. The worse thing to do to me is ignore me. Honestly. Its torture. If you really hate me, ignore me. I will feel like shit the whole time, guaranteed. You win. You will be what haunts me at 3 a.m. when I am wondering how I can fix everything. Honesty time folks.
I've been challenged by this prayer. If you read it all the way through is talks about being reasonably happy when you let God have whatever is troubling you, and trusting it will all work out. I'm being challenged right now to practice this prayer. The practice of trusting without doing a single thing.
So, I am going to breathe, cry, trust, be still. Breathe some more. Be Me. And pray. I can't give that up. Thats a little bit of doing and dreaming and hoping and trusting put into one ball of
"I'm trying to be serene here!"
A good goal for now, good to practice in 2017.
One thing I won't change? Loving People.
I love you,
and there is NOTHING you can do to change that.
NOTHING.
Julie Erb Robbins
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