Life experiences have molded my need for the truth.
I am a child of divorce. I am not pointing fingers, I love all my parents, birth and step. I have not a bad thing to say about any of them. They are fine people. And, I am a product of their choices. I have turned out well. I have a good marriage, because damned if I was ever going to go through what my parents went through or put my kids through it, and relationships are work, I get that, due to the fact I come from a divorced family. I remember the day my dad left. I awoke to crying in the kitchen. I could hear my Mom and sister crying. My Mom does not cry, or didn't. That may have actually been the first time I heard her cry. There was a note on the refrigerator telling of my Dad's departure. I remember feeling somewhat relieved for a moment because maybe the arguing within the home would subside, he would come back, and all would be well. That is when I began lying to myself, not others. I started lying to myself at age 12 when I would say, "Oh, it doesn't bother me that Dad left, now I see him twice a week and we do fun stuff together, which we never did before." "I'm not seeking out male attention because I miss my Dad, I just love boys." "I'm not upset about this divorce, at least no one died." "I got step parents out of this divorce, so yeah, its a win win." These are the lies I told myself over and over and over again to mask the pain I felt, the stress I felt, the abandonment I felt, and even the blame I inflicted upon myself because the night before my Dad left I told him to "Get out of my room, Get out dad...." and what do you know? He was gone the very next day. Heavy sigh.
I was raised in a denomination that believed there was only one way to do things to get to heaven. I believed that for a better part of my life. I believed that behavior had everything to do with getting into heaven. So I lied to myself when I could not keep up with all the rules, telling myself, ok, just keep repenting, and you will feel better about yourself. When I finally came to the conclusion I did not believe everything I was taught, when I would share my new beliefs I was immediately corrected. So I then began to hide what I was doing so I would only have to lie to myself and not tell a bold faced lie as to where I really was, or what I was really thinking. Even now, there are things I don't believe, but am extremely selective about what I share and with whom. I've seen how people have attacked my daughter on facebook or unfriended her, or liked other mean comments that people have written....believe me, that has not gone unnoticed by me. You adults all owe her a huge apology, shame on all of you. There is more than one way of "doing this God relationship". And quite frankly, when someone is on a journey exploring their beliefs, if your really care about them? Call them on the damn phone and ask. Don't post stupid stuff on facebook. It only furthers the need to lie.
That all being said, I still believe people. I believe in people. I believe when they tell me something. I never question if they are lying. I don't question motives. I don't wonder about an agenda. I accept what is before me.
But, some things have been said and done in 2016 I simply did not expect, and I have a hard time believing I know the whole truth. Because I do my absolute best to be truthful with others, I expect the truth. I expect what shows up in my house, what I see, what I experience, what I hear, what I sense, to be the truth. If I ask you a question, and you answer it, I expect that to be your honest answer. If you tell me a scenerio, I expect that to be what happened. Because that is how I operate. I Tell The Truth. My yes is yes, and my No is no.
My advice? Stop lying to yourself first. I cared so much what other people thought, I would lie to myself about what I really felt, to the point I did not recognize what I was truly feeling because I was worried about the backlash or judgement of sharing. Stand up for what you believe or feel, even if everyone around you does not get it. They don't need to, its your mind, make it up for yourself, dammit. Stop pleasing the people that will not give a shit about you in 10 years, love the people who have been there for you, clean up your messes, make it right. Stop lying to others because you are afraid of their reactions.
Stop Lying in 2017.
Imagine what that could look like.
Imagine what new friends you might make.
Let your Yes be Yes, and Your No be No.
If you have had to lie in the past to do what you want, or be with who you wanted, ask yourself WHY?
Stop Lying in 2017.
You may shock some people, but oh well.
Show up at my house anytime, with your true Truth.
Please, it will make us both feel better.
Much Love,
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