Yesterday I was busy enjoying my day. My daughter was home from college. I had to go to work, she had some loose ends she still needed to tie up for school. When I picked her up from Bangor High School I wanted to spend time with her, do something fun with her. Just be.
We did that. We talked. Genuinely talked throughout the day. We ended up in Orono at this new place called the Nest. Of course, I was intrigued with the Name, because I always refer to our home as the Nest. Its a quaint little coffee shop, a new business. We had our huge cups of coffee, and followed up with a visit to her cousin Faith's house, talking with the cousins and Aunt. Stayed much longer than expected. Came home, stayed up very late, talking by the tree. Just Being in the moment. Missing and Remembering the Good, the beautiful, the Special.
While at Jenny's, my sister in law, she told me she had a gift for me. She made it herself. It was in reference to something I had mentioned to her over the summer. While I was at the beach this summer, when I would simply pray, trying to make sense of the senseless, I would ask God to show up. I know, strange. I hesitate to share this because it does sound strange. Why would I even ask for a "sign". I guess because part of me simply wanted to know this prayer had been heard, that God is real, that there is a higher power that gives a shit? Honestly. I say things like that when I pray. Do You Give A Shit, God? Do YOU? Because I am so wondering right now.
I would walk up and down the beach at Sand Beach in Bar Harbor. Back and forth. UP and Down. Looking for sand dollars. I never found a sand dollar before at Sand Beach until this summer. Every Single Time I went, I found a sand dollar, except once. And it was a moment that I sensed God in such a real way letting me know, you may not find a sand dollar today, but, Trust Me. There are many times you don't think I am working, but I am. But every other time, I found one. I have them laid out across my piano in the dining room. There are even pairs that are identical in design that were found on completely different days. Most days I found a pair.
Jenny memorialized those special moments by creating me two beautiful gifts with sand dollars on them. She said Dan's "sign" if you will, is eagles. Hers is keys and sometimes doors. When I shared this with my friend Sue, she said, you aren't weird, I recently had an experience with a crow in my back yard before I moved and Rob looked it up and found out what the presence of a crow meant, and it totally fit. Nature speaks to me.
Jenny gave me a board of wood, could have looked like drift wood, seasoned to a grey, with 4 sand dollars spread across it. She also created a framed picture with a sand dollar within it. I wanted to out right bawl when I opened the bag to see what she had lovingly created for me. She's never questioned my judgement about this love of sand dollars, she simply honored the significance I attached to them. I was drawn to this. In my need to connect to a God that I wondered about the very existence at times, or cared, or saw, I would find these sand dollars along a beach I had gone all my life, never finding a single one, until now, this past summer.
I found out later that the sand dollar can be viewed as a symbol of peace. I needed that symbol at that time, as I had no peace. There are still things within my spirit and heart that I am waiting on. I am waiting. But, in Jenny creating this wonderful beautiful memorial, I will be reminded of peace when I look at this thoughtful gift. I will be reminded of the summer of 2016 that I walked up and down the beach, crying out to a God that I truly wondered if the existence was real because real life was excruciatingly unbelievable, the heart break, unbearable, the missing, the wondering, the pain, the overwhelming desire for something to be different than it was.
There has not been a single day in the past 6 months I have not prayed for things I never thought I would have to pray for. I've shed a tear, or many, or thousands. Every Single Day. Have you ever loved people that much that you prayed every single day for them? Or wept for them? Ever? I've had that experience. I've loved and love that deeply. I wish for good. I pray for good. I pray for healthy. I'm living this experience. I've been placed in a time such as this where my heart is so big, so accepting in ways I have never been accepting. I can barely put into words what I have experienced. It probably sounds weird. But I am here.
Those sand dollars represent to me and memorialize this season I am walking through. This season that I don't really want conjecturing on, or given advice for, or judgement, or even understanding. Its my season of tears, missing, wishing, not understanding, but trusting in a God that brought me sand dollars all summer long, every single time, because the finding of them spoke to me in a natural, nature creator kind of way.
Thank you Jenny Muscatell for respecting my Journey.
Thank you for not questioning my Journey.
Thank you for not calling me crazy, or saying "that's weird", or wondering if I really know God. at All.
Thank you for telling me, everyone is worth tears and prayers. EVERYONE.
When I look at this special gift, I will be grateful for this person who heard me, honored me, and let me Be. Let me have my hopes, my tears, my sadness. Knowing that my faith really is bigger than a mustard seed, even if I didn't.
I love you sister.
I thank God For You.
Who knew that this 10 year old girl that I met 30 years ago would turn into an almost 40 year old girl who could care enough to do such a special thing. I didn't, but God did.
Thank you for the loving, accepting, non judgemental, open minded, blessing you are to me.
Love love LOVE,
Julie Erb Robbins
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