I woke up at around 3:50 a.m., that seems to be the length of time melatonin that I am now taking to sleep wears off. I lay in bed thinking it seemed a little colder than usual. (We turn our heat down to 60 degrees at night). But did not think much of it. I snuggled in closer to my little boy, listening to him breathe. What a treasure that is. What clued me into something may not be working properly is I heard no fan. Outside my daughter's bedroom is a fan that runs almost constantly. I have grown to love the white noise of it, and especially after she was gone to school the noise of it simply soothed me if I had to be in the house alone.
I got up, to realize NO POWER. I told Carl, we went downstairs, and turned on our propane fireplace. It was so eerily silent. And, bummer, no coffee....
So we sat in silence, talking a bit, lighting some candles, just sitting around. So still.
Daniel got up, and ran downstairs. Children never do anything slowly, except head out to the car when you are in a hurry to get somewhere. We told him the power was out and he began to make a verbal list of all the things we could do without power. It was now almost 6 a.m. so Carl went in search of coffee, and Daniel decided to get fully dressed and go outside and play in the snow. Yup. At 6 a.m............Outside.
I was left alone.
I sat in a chair and began thinking about my childhood. I went to funeral this week in honor of a woman who was part of my childhood since I was 7 years old. My family moved to Hampden Maine then. I was at the service this week and saw many very dear people to me in the church I grew up in. There was a "pot luck" after the service, complete with church lady food. The church itself has changed physically since I grew up there as a kid, but the building is still the same. As I sat alone in my livingroom, I began to feel discouraged about a number of things, which, will probably, eventually, be blogged about..(LOL< hey, I have 70 more days to go!) but this still small voice said to me..."When's the last time you got down on your knees to pray?"
When Is The Last Time You Knelt to Pray?
When is the last time you knelt at an altar? years upon years.
I grew up placing my cares upon an altar. Its not really a thing a lot of the churches do now. I understand it takes time to have an altar time. Some messy stuff can happen. People can get weird. Its not comfortable or understood by most people who are newly introduced to a faith why someone would actually walk down in front of people and kneel at an altar. Its not the norm. I get that.
But, today, while I was alone, I felt this prompting to kneel. So I did. I knelt down on the floor in my livingroom against the chair I've owned since we moved to Bangor 12 and 1/2 years ago. Every single person I have loved has sat in that chair at one point or another in the past 12 years. 12 years of people. In that one chair.
As I knelt, I prayed. Simply prayers.
God, protect
God, help me to love
Do your magic
Show up
be, like, you know, God.
Help me to trust your timing.
I need faith
I need peace
I need...you. So much more than I can ever fathom.
12 years of people. 48 years of memories. Lots of hopes, dreams, children, philosophies, studies, parties, tears, joy, pleasures, heartbreak, in that chair. That I knelt before. Talking to a god I sometimes wonder about the existence of. Wanting to simply know if this divinity cares a shred about the tears I have wept. I question. I doubt. I wonder.
But, today, I chose to Kneel.
I'm entering 2017 Kneeling down.
Much love to you all, always...All WAYS.
Julie Erb Robbins
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