We made it through today. My daughter said to me tonight, "So, how do you think today went?"
"Well, It could have been better, but, it could have been worse." Yup, I feel the same way. The next thought I had was I simply wonder if you get at all, for even one second, how it feels to be missed? Do you even know what an honor it IS to be missed? Probably not. Most people who are missed probably don't give a shit. Honestly. And here we are, us loving, giving, missing others people, just getting through the day, missing. Shoes are always on the wrong feet it would seem. What should be up is down, and vice versa.
My Mom and Ray came over. I do miss my Mom, and btw, she does give a shit. lol...shit and Diane Spaulding in the same sentence, now that's a funny. I won't let her read this post. I miss the Mom who would cook all the big dinners. I miss the Mom who would welcome us in every Sunday with a pot roast cooked in her stainless steel dutch oven. Best mashed potatoes ever. Homemade bread that is still the very best bread I have ever had in my entire life. I miss the Mom who made me breakfast every morning along with making me cafe francais, an instant coffee, and we would sit and talk at the table all about my life. My Mom is 75 and she is forgetting things. She asked Elizabeth how old she was again? 18 or 20? Well, you look so mature dear, you could be at least 21. She could not find the Christmas card she got for me, so we all tried to find it for her because she asked me if I like the money in it, and I said, oh Mom, maybe you gave it to Carl. And assured her we would find it, and we did, and she read it to me, and that made her happy. She likes coming to my house now. Cooking big meals just is too much for her. Entertaining is not her thing anymore. I've been passed the torch. I don't mind, but today I realized while everyone else is talking and visiting, I am working. I am the Martha, if you will. When I finally got to sit with Mom and chat, Ray was ready to go and the visit came to an end. I wasn't ready for it to end. It made me sad. I just wanted to talk to her for a few more minutes. It was the first time I had to sit and be with her, and she had to leave. I hate when people leave. It just wasn't enough time.
My other daughter and son and baby came over. The baby is just the sweetest. They left quickly after dinner. Not enough time to squeeze that baby. I hugged my daughter before she left, but Lucas was already out the door. Please don't leave yet, its just not enough time. What if I don't see you again in what seems like forever? Rachel could be walking. Leave her with me this week while you get ready to move. I just want to be with you, with her. A quick hug, a holding, as many kisses as I could fit in in the 5 minutes I got to see this beautiful baby girl. Then gone.
We were all simply sitting around quietly. Quiet. I purposely have been playing holiday music all day long for weeks until my daughter said, Mom, that music just depresses me this season. I simply can't find any joy in it. Its hard to listen to. Oh honey, why didn't you tell me. I just played it because I hate the silence. I could have put something else on. But, we all have to laugh when Grandma got run over by a Reindeer came on.....that is just plain funny, however, my Mom NEVER found it humorous, she will say, "I hate that song, it has nothing to do with Christmas..."...oh mother.....
We did nothing that reminded us of a previous tradition. Carl and Daniel got a tree from some lot on Union Street. We did not go to a Christmas Eve service. We did not have chinese food on Christmas eve. We did not even have our orange salad on Christmas day. I made no pies. We ate from a vegetable tray. We did random spacing of opening gifts. A pretty odd day.
But we made it through. We were together. There is still more to get through in the next week, but I have to say, I'm proud of my crowd. We have maintained a loving home environment. We have stayed as positive as we could. We have chosen to speak and remember only the good of those we are missing. Daniel had a fab day opening all his cool presents. His expressions when opening his gifts, his squeals of joy made us all smile.
Was this season suppose to be different? Yes. Hells, yes. The promises that were made led us to believe that. Are we truly sad about the misleading? Yes.You could not have prepared us for this current reality, we would not have believed you. Not in a million years. What can we do about it? Nothing. Not a damn thing. We know. And we also know its perfectly fine to be disappointed. Its fine to have any feelings you want to have in this house. All feelings are welcome, we call that healthy. You can smile, cry, laugh, and expect to be comforted and completely accepted in the Nest.
And honestly, Christmas 2017 can only get better. I am going to look back on this blog post and be like...what the hell? If I had only known how awesome now was going to be (crossing my fingers) I would have stopped crying and worrying a long time ago. Just like I look back on my blog post from a year ago, and can't believe I have walked through what we have walked through in the past 6 months, never would have dreamed it up after reading and looking at the pictures from last Christmas. Life is truly bizarre. I honestly don't know what the hell to think most of the time. It's damn confusing.
So, this isn't your Merry Merry Happy Happy post about Christmas. We did it. Carl, Elizabeth, Daniel, and I are in the house tonight. I just heard her voice downstairs saying ohhhhh HA HA DAD...who knows what he is saying to her. Daniel was read to sleep by me reading him "Farmer Boy" with Carl and I cuddled up with him in bed. That's how my boy fell asleep. We ate from a veggie tray, some lebonon bologne, rolls, pecan pie, pretzels, and port wine cheese us 3 after Daniel fell asleep. Quiet. Reserved. More still than I've ever known it.
2016 is almost over.
Merry Christmas.
Our door is always open.
I love you, nothing will ever change that.
Julie Erb Robbins
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