Two years ago on New Years Eve my parents were at my house celebrating the night. It was a sweet Christmas season. The night was going well. Life just seemed so good. Everyone was happy. Mom was laughing about the night out at the restaurant. The kids were telling some funny stories that got us all laughing. Ray was joking with everyone. It was a good night.
Two years have passed and this New Years Eve my parents would not even consider going out. My Mom hates to drive at night now, and Ray does not like to either. Mom has some short term memory loss and she does not like going to new places because they are unfamiliar. My Mom has always been a very strong personality, but now has become a bit more hesitant, sometimes a bit unsure of herself.
2 years time.
I sit and wish for that night to come back. I wish I could relish it for even a moment. That's the last time my parents were at my house in the evening on a holiday. I did not know that night would be the last time, but it was.
As I rode with my Mom on Saturday out to Kristen's new place in Hudson she became very agitated with me. My Mom, as a rule, does not get angry with me, or even annoyed. I'm sure shes felt that way from time to time, but she really hasn't showed it enough for me to remember. She was getting annoyed that I had expected her to drive out to Hudson, she had somewhere to be at 11:30 a.m. She could not figure out why Kristen would move. But she wanted to see that baby so bad she kept driving. She was off. At one point I texted Carl and said "Where are you?????" because Carl has always had a way with my Mom. She's always loved him so. I could never get away with any sort of complaint to her about Carl. She would simply say, "Well, dear, I know you have a temper, so I can't imagine you are easy to live with either...pray for him, Dear. You married him, now you pray for him. Relationships are hard work, pray for him." and so I did. While riding with Mom all I could think was, Carl, you can fix this. I haven't a clue, but I did talk to her, we made it to Kristen's, she held the baby, sat down, calmed down, and the visit went well. I relaxed. I hugged Lucas when we got there and said, Mom is having a hard day. He said, that's okay. It will be fine Julie. I love Lucas. His big bear hugs simply calm the day too.
How does everything change in 2 years?
I honestly already miss my Mom. I eluded to it earlier in my Christmas day post. One of the things I miss is that she used to love to talk and talk on the phone. Now her conversations last about 5 minutes. I can be talking to her about a friend I've had for years, but if she has not seen said friend for years, she will not remember who I am talking about. She spoke during a recent funeral I was at and she sounded so eloquent in her memories of her friend Margaret and what Margaret liked, etc. I loved seeing her talk.
I'm in a sandwich season...my friend Valerie's Mom just said to me today. Eva is my other mother. Eva said to me today.."You have your family on one side, you are in the middle, and you have your parents on the other side, and you are feeling squished in the middle by everything that is going on.." Eva is a former nursing director, and was able to give me insight today into what my Mom might be feeling like, but she also had insight into what I was feeling like. It was wonderful.
My point today, on day 40 of this 100 day writing experiment, is
Don't take your moments for granted.
Relax more with people.
Love so completely in the moment that you can look back and remember.
I want to remember my Mom's laugh.
I wish I could back to that night with even more clarity. I wish every moment was video taped.
I am becoming even more patient and understanding about Mom, which makes me more understanding with others.
Life with Mom has not been easy. I love my Mom so much and she is an extremely strong willed woman that will not apologize for anything....ever.... That may be why I am quick to apologize and admit to wrong doing. I care so deeply what others think. Not Mom. She has never sworn in her life but I have seen her give many the proverbial middle finger, if you will. She was the first woman in the state of Maine to sit on the business round table for women who sold life insurance. She's had a full, success filled, life. But, she will always tell you her greatest gifts in life were her daughters, nothing means more to her than Wendi and I.
Its different being on the care giving end. Its also humbling. The juggling I have to do on a weekly basis now makes me head spin. My emotions get all jangled up.
It's just so important to keep things good.
Time is fleeting.
People do not live forever.
I simply can't believe the changes that have occurred in 2 years. We were all just laughing and sitting around, being all peace filled that night. Laughing. Nothing was confusing. Everything was good....from where I sat, anyways.
Hug your parents, if you still have them.
Hug the people who love you.
Don't stay mad, its never worth the energy.
I realize that more and more.
See the good, even on a back road, when Mom was getting angry with me, I noticed how beautiful the snow was, the trees were, even the smell in Mom's car was nice. I noticed the good.
Just love people, please?
Love people who are challenging...they need it so much. My Mom needs it so much. She just needs me.
Love and Prayers, always.
Julie Erb Robbins
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