I began going to therapy about a year and half ago. The reason for my initial visit was to learn how to respond to my daughter and some difficulties she was facing with an eating disorder, which she has made public, in her own blog. She has done quite famously to master this area in her life, but it is something she will be conscious of for her life. She is vegan, which helps immensely, as it makes food consumption something that is healthy, which in turn makes your brain feel good about what you are doing, etc. Its a process to which she processes and handles quite well.
There have been other things I have been in therapy for, but in a short blog post I simply cannot go into everything. I remember there was a time in my life I thought any kind of therapy was for wimps. For whiners. For people who simply were weak. Yup. Ashamed to admit such drivel went through my mind, but then, I had stuff to deal with I simply had no idea how to, I was ignorant on some topics of how to deal with grown up children, and I needed an unbiased listener who would not stop me in what I was saying. Would not try to make me feel wrong about what I was feeling, or correct my interpretations of how I was feeling or thinking, or tell me I should NOT feel that way, or redirect my every concern with...why don't you just PRAY about it...oh holy shit...if I had a dime for every single time I was told any of those things I would never have to work a day in my life.
First of all. Y'all need therapy. If you all got therapy, we'd have a lot less people behaving like bastards. I'm serious. The amount of abuse that is inflicted on kids as a result of their batshit crazy parents is unbelievable. And these kids grow into people who want to please the crazy people in their lives and it ruins their life forever. They think the way they have been treated is NORMAL and they go one to repeat the crazy and ruin their potential NORMAL relationships.. The stresses of this culture, the focus on things, the brokenness of life.. oh yeah...Y'all need therapy.
There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with therapy. If you have ever had anxiety, or an ulcer, or a deep sadness, or suffered from abandonment, or divorce, or death, or disappointments, or pressure, or controlling environments where you could not be honest, y'all might benefit from some therapy. Its amazing when you begin to tell your story, someone listens who has complete understanding of how the brain works, how you are hard wired to need certain needs met, and how, when needs go unmet, how that affects everything. One of the things I love about my therapist is she believes all people can change and get healthy, and because she believes this, she does what she does. Also, the listener is not telling you WHAT TO DO, like every other person in your life. THEY LISTEN!!!!! Imagine that????? They don't judge you, have an agenda for you, want you to make them proud, THEY JUST LISTEN and get you to become introspective and guide you in discovering how to live life and relationships to their fullest!....Its awesome!!!!
Today one of the things my therapist said to me is "How are you feeling about all this...what is your emotion at this very moment?" I'm fucking pissed. Yup. I said that. I never use the f bomb, or mostly never, okay, I use it, but sparingly and for effect..and I did today. She said Good. Because you have this way of trying to make everything okay that is perfectly fine to be fucking pissed about. Yup, she said it back to me. Its okay for you to be angry, did you know that?" You are the opposite of someone who has anger issues, you NEED to get ANGRY, and know that is OKAY. Tell me what you want to do right now...I said, I want to walk up to houses and say "Fuck YOU!" to the inhabitants. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to say...THIS IS UNFAIR. I'm pissed you did this. I'M ANGRY. I just kinda let it all out. She said, Its okay to be angry. You spend a lot of time understanding, looking for the good, being supportive, giving the benefit of the doubt long after other people would give up. But you don't get angry. Its OK to be angry....
WOW. What a concept. I never even picked up on that. And she was right.
The second thing she said was...and this is HUGE!
You need to forgive yourself. I've heard you say over and over again how you feel stupid. That you did not protect. That you did not see harm coming. That you did not do a good job. That you are naive. That you don't understand.
You are none of those things.
She proceeded to say
You are loving. You are kind. You are THE MOST UNDERSTANDING and caring person I see in this office for therapy. You care about others so deeply. Your family is awesome. You have no idea, Julie, just how awesome you are. How I wish there were more families like yours out there. You need to forgive YOURSELF for what ever perceived short comings you have. You can forgive others eventually, but start with YOU FIRST. You deserve to forgive YOURSELF first.
Woah.
So, I will start here.
Forgiving Me.
Acknowledging Truth.
Being honest about my anger.
Sorry I said the F Bomb, but sometimes, it's what does the trick.
Who knew?
I love you all still.
and Y'all need a good therapist.
For Real.
Julie Erb Robbins
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