Day 1...Some never leave.

I am starting a new 100 day post. I am aiming to revisit my passion to publish. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. For REALZZZZZZZZ.... this time, this time, I am going to do it.

I was laying in bed last night around 10p.m. re-thinking topics to write on. I had just watched a most awesome movie called "Some Like it Hot" starring Marilyn Monroe. It was a good night. But I had this feeling of melancholy I couldn't shake.

"I am easy to leave."

It started when I was 12, and seems to have continued until my almost 50th year.

People Leave. All the time. Every day. I was thinking of age 12, 16, 18, 19, 21, 25, 30, 32, 36, 41, 48, 49. All the "leavings". The evaporating people like ether. Here today, gone tomorrow. Some by choice, some by chance, some unexpected and mourned over, surprised by...GONE.

I should suffer from severe abandonment issues, honestly.

I think when you are the type of person who loves freely you should expect the leaving, but then I caught myself.

How freely have I loved when I am keeping score about who leaves???

I have always hated waiting for others to respond. Being promised something that does not happen. Dreaming up things that never occur. Counting on humans. Wanting reciprocation. Seeking bonds that aren't broken. Being in a relationship that is two way.
I even commented recently to my daughter...I'm really not into those Bible studies anymore. You know why? I didn't make one lasting friend. All those people in and out of my house? Not one person ever called me and said, You want to have coffee? You want to hang out? All those people. All that time. All that energy. Nada. Meh. No thanks. Not one offer extended to my family for a dinner...ALL THE DINNERS I hosted, parties, nothing for my family, nothing for me. People left. Came and Went. I have been left empty for all my giving.

I am being honest, unedited...what I'm known for. I am not for the faint of heart.
Take me or leave me.
I've been easily left.

But then I was reminded of the photos I found in an album. And the ones Carl brought me while we were both on a purging expedition of the mess we've created in this house. YES! Both purging junk at the same time....honestly miraculous.

And I was reminded.

There are people who have endured Julie Robbins....LOL. I know, I know. I'm not that bad.
I found the cutest Christmas pictures from when we would celebrate with the Browns each year when all our kids were young. They were all in front of a Christmas tree and then sitting at a table frosting cookies. There are others....people who have stuck it out.

But what came to me at 10p.m, following my melancholy, was this thought...

My Faith. My faith has never left me. Nor my hope.

Its been challenged, shaken to its roots, re-defined, unorthodox, re-created, and re-located.

But I am told that all I need is the size of a mustard seed.

As long as I have that mustard seed of faith, I am never left completely alone, ever.

 I bought a bracelet recently to remind me of this. It states:

"if you have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for you"

Nothing. Not a thing.

Faith. The size of  a Mustard seed.

Welcome once again, all.

I love you. And you cannot change that.

Julie Erb.
Julie Robbins.
Julie Kristen.
Julie.
Jewels.
Dear.

I'm all of the above.