room in Milo, Maine and said to me..."Julie, we all shit on a toilet. That's all I need to know."
I remember being aghast at the time, and I honestly can't even remember WHAT we were talking about for him to say that, but it stuck with me.
So. Who is Julie Robbins?
Well. She was Julie Kristen Erb first. And then she became Julie Robbins 21 years later. And then at the ripe age of 27, she became a Mom for the first time. At the age of 29, she gave birth again. And then again at age 42 when some questioned her sanity, wondered if the mailman did it, or did you and Carl not remember how babies were made, she gave birth again.
I was teaching Kindergarten Literacy before Daniel was born, but took a 5 year vacation to play all day with my newest nestling. Probably some of the best years I've had. I was older, way more chill, and knew how quickly the moments passed. I joked and said I was trying out for the cover of Time magazine (If you all remember that infamous TIME cover with the Mom on the cover who was nursing her toddler that said "Are You Mom Enough?"). Daniel was my last nursing baby so let's just say he loved to nurse and I wasn't putting a time limit on it.
The past 22 years have been consumed with child rearing and creating good family memories. The raising of teenagers just about made me batshitzcrazy and they didn't even do anything terrible. The transitioning into adulthood, the leaving of the nest, the returning to the nest, relationships, letting go, embracing, letting go, embracing, accepting, being open minded, loving always.....ohmy....whirlwinds upon whirlwinds. More times than not Carl and I just stood there looking at each other...both with that deer in the headlights look of "How the Absolute HELL did we get here???" This was not written in those oh so helpful "What to expect when you are expecting" books....I told you it was a big fail after age 5 when they stopped making them...all good until age 5, then oh man....look out.
And nobody tells you when you start adding people your heart just about bursts when anything goes right or goes wrong or flies sideways or goes upside down or right side up. And nobody tells you that you are going to love so big that you split wide open when one of your babies is hurt.
All of this living with all of these titles and responsibilities and jobs and people....I got lost.
I forgot who I was. I was lost in the titles. Wife, Mom, Teacher, Finder of Everything.
I am now beginning to say "Who am I?"
About 6 months ago I was reminded of who I was, who I AM.
Did you know the name "Julie" means "Joyful"?
I had stopped being Julie. I had stopped being Joyful. I had lost me. Because I was so focused on all these titles and needs and desires and hurts of others.
I needed to return to my Joyful self. Who I really was.
I needed the reminder. I got the reminder. I began to think about what made me happy and joyful. What was I passionate about?
And I started seeking out places that brought me peace. I began looking for signs in nature. I revisited relationships. I began making myself a priority. I began taking care of me. I began to recognize when I had enough...needed time away to regroup. I became conscious of my body. I recognized this fall when I was Vitamin D deficient because of some pain I was having. I even started shopping for cute clothes for me! My dear friend Aleyne has called it "The year of Cute...the year of Julie."
Have I abandoned my titles? No. But my titles are not who I am. My titles are a piece of who I am. My core is something completely different than my titles. I needed to be reminded of that.
Happy 50th year of discovery to me!
I can't wait to see what other new things are in store!
I am Julie Erb, Julie Robbins, Jewels, Mom, Dear, hey Julie......
I love you, always.
Day 2.
Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment