Therapy is a really challenging process. If you've never tried it, I am thinking this election alone could send everyone into therapy...LOL...but seriously... I used to go weekly, but now its probably every 2 or 3 weeks. I randomly picked Higher Ground Services, and I've really grown to like my therapist, Cindy. I can tell she likes me. I think we would actually be good friends if she wasn't my therapist. I feel like she is rooting for me. I believe she wants the good things to work out for me. She tells me she loves the way I love people, and how I so easily forgive others..... AND she told me today..
"Julie, you have no boundaries..."
"whaaaaatttttttt....." and I knew she was right. I rolled my eyes.
"You are worth having boundaries. Ask yourself, If someone messaged those words to your husband, what would he say? How would you respond if someone talked to your mother like that?" hmmmmmmmmmm........
Well, first of all, my husband would either not respond, or if he was having a conversation, he would remain calm, call a spade a spade, hold whomever he was talking to accountable, correct their thinking, let them know he cared about them, loved them, and be done with the conversation. End of story. He would not feel bad, he would not be upset, he would simply say, wow. (He does have feelings about things. and he's also very quick to forgive as well...but he also has this very excellent way of letting things be..) And be done with it. Carl does not ever hold grudges, ever. He forgives. He loves. But he does not get affected by others emotions....
He has boundaries.
If someone talked to my mother like that? I'd kill them. She deserves to be respected. She has worked hard her whole life, she's been generous with people, she's been welcoming to people, she's been understanding, accepting, kind. Yes, she's very strong, independent, and doesn't put up with monkey business. My Mom would have and has had boundaries of how people could treat her and talk to her.
Mom has boundaries.
I'm thinking I need to learn a thing or two from my Mom and my husband and my therapist for pointing out my lack of boundaries. I've let people walk all over me. I've let people take advantage of me. I've allowed things said right to me that were highly rude, mean, inappropriate, and cruel, and have agreed with the speaker, only because I was afraid to speak up and hold them accountable. WHY? I have no idea. I've been critiqued by a few for my blog posts. But, Cindy told me today, that people respond to things when you incite a negative emotion in them. People rarely respond to something they agree with, and even rarer still, will people respond with a compliment to something they like. The negative is what we respond to. So, for every "like" or positive comment, there are so many more that agree or think, oh, thats great, I love that. But for every negative comment, it takes us 15 positive comments to make up for the negative comment. Sooo because we do so little positive comments to each other, the negative, even though its very limited, is what stands out to us. My lack of boundaries may have to do with I am searching for the positive, so I negate acknowledging the negative, or I am avoiding the negative by trying to focus on the positive....
GAHHHHHH......this is all so complicated at times.
I guess the bottom line for me is
I need to have boundaries
What does that even mean? Says the girl who has none, obviously.
I Can Choose.
I Will Choose.
I will figure it out.
Love my therapist Cindy.
I love my husband.
I love my Mom.
I am thankful that I have these people in my life. The support me. They let me be me. They love me.
Blessed in the Nest.
Musings upon Musings.
Julie Erb Robbins
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