I was challenged a couple of weeks ago to write just about me. I began this blog when I had Daniel because I felt as if I had changed almost over night in my parenting, my life direction, my deep love...became MORE...on June 30, 2010. I have so much to say about others, but what about me. Am I far too boring to write about? Here goes on Day 54.
When I say that there are things that I don't like about myself, its more of an opportunity to express some areas I need to grow in, not that I necessarily don't like me, I may not like my behavior, and I am able to separate those two things out. I do like myself. Its taken me a very long time to feel good about me, but I do. AND I do things I don't like.
1. I bite my nails.... GROSS!!!!! I hate that I do this. I began doing this when I was really young, approximately age 10. I used to also hyperventilate and my whole left side would go numb, I would see black, and get an instant migraine at the thought of ever being in front of my peer group. I also began biting my nails because I was always anxious around my peer group because they were so mean to me. I will be driving down the high way and I will start thinking about something that bothers me and I will bite my nails. I don't even realize what I am doing...Carl will sometimes say to me.."Hon, what is bothering you?" I will say..."What are you talking about?"...he'll say..."Your nails, you are biting..."...oh...you caught me. I did not want to talk about it, but you noticed how I was internally processing this thing, and it was showing up externally.... I do try to paint my nails, that seems to help...but, ugh...I do it.
2. I despise how easily I feel rejected. I pretend like it doesn't bother me but I have been actually blocked on facebook. But since I realized it,.. I'm like, holy shit, someone actually HATES ME...ohmyf. My heart is broken. I could not stand it. What have I done? What have I said? I'll apologize. I'll do whatever....just don't block me....I said to Carl...someone hates me..actually HATES ME...oh dear....I don't know how anyone could hate you, maybe its a mistake, that does happen you know. I've only blocked male weirdos that have tried to message me and I don't know who they are. Am I a weirdo??? I know, juvenile thinking on my part, but I'm being honest here people...Carl says.. You are wonderful. I love you, and isn't that all that really matters? That I, who knows you absolutely better than anyone else on planet earth loves you more than someone on facebook? wellllll, when you put it like that, oh Voice Of Reason...Please stop worrying about facebook. Of course, my husband's wisdom wins...but...bummer dude. I wish I did not care how much other people think...it kills me.
3. I'm cluttery. My house is cluttered. I'm so good at hiding it, and I have an attic. But I hate how cluttered it is. And I hate parting with things because most things have meaning to me. I have to be in the mood to purge. I try to purge, and I look around and there is still too much stuff. I look at the littlest pet shop toys and remember the fun the girls had with those things. We have over 100 webkins that look brand new in bags in the attic. We have almost every science fair project the girls did in middle and high school. My hope chest is full of newspaper clips, memories, pictures, baby quilts, a bridesmaid dress from a friends wedding...all memories I just can't seem to part with. I keep cards that people give me. I LOVE to re read cards. My mother does the same thing. I love looking at people's handwriting. I have no closet space because I live in a home built in the 1890's in which they wore 2 outfits, or that's what it appears like to see the size of these closets. I could never be a minimalist. I buy containers that are pretty to organize my clutter in...yes, yes I do. I will get organized some day. Until then, ugh, the clutter....
4. I'm very tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, tired. I've started taking melatonin because my sleep pattern had become so messed up and I was getting up at 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m., not being about to get back to sleep, and then having to go to work. Some of it was just plain anxiety and sadness, trying to fix, wishing for something different, but then two things happened. My friend Heather recommended melatonin to me at the end of December, and on December 30 I felt the need to kneel and pray downstairs whenever I woke up, instead of laying in bed and being bothered by things, go and pray. Let it go, give it to God, even if its the same thing, 100 times, do it. Since that time I have been able half the mornings to not wake up until 4:30 a.m., which is wonderful. Working every day is tiring. Being a Mom to a 6 year old when you are 48 is tiring. Messed up sleep pattern, tiring. But, I am thankful for the tips. The next thing I am trying is valerian root. Its also a sleep aid and anti anxiety...all natural. I am on my new path to peace, I can feel it. Its a journey. I'm not rushing it, and I am doing my best.
I hope this makes you feel better.
We all have silly things we deal with that bothers us.
We all have big things that we deal with that bothers us.
Its what makes us human.
I love you.
Thank you for reading.
Julie Erb Robbins
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