Its Harder to be Loving than Mean...Day 72

Right before I started this blog post I was mean. Yup. Just wrote about being mean and I am guilty. I had this perfectly crafted post about Love in my mind before I went upstairs. I opened the laptop I currently am using, as the one in our hallway contracted a virus this summer and is no longer operable, and I was trying to listen to a song that was posted to my wall. It was dragging horribly, and I told Carl.."This is why I use my phone, this computer drags everything..." He said, well, let me hit these updates....as he hit the update the computer said, "No longer able to get on facebook!"  WHAT!!!!!!!  He said, well, lets try another computer as we have a couple of chrome books sitting around the house. Well, there is a reason they were "sitting around the house", not operable either.

I was feeling so frustrated. I actually cried. I know, stupid. Its a just a straw on the camels back, like the final one this camel can carry. It could not be helped. I went and sat in the back room, feeling angry and frustrated. Carl would say, "Well, what do you want me to do about it? I didn't know getting an update would bump us off facebook. Its not my fault. I was trying to speed up your ability to listen to utube and songs."

"I told you that I could watch the song on my phone, it was no big deal. I just wished you had not messed with the computer I was using. I don't know how I am going to get on another computer."
"Well, in this computer age you should know your passwords and be able to go onto any computer and get onto your blog."
"Well, I don't know how to get onto my blog through any computer, as it does not recognize me....or some such thing..."
"Well, I guess you need to start saving your money and get your very own computer...."

At that point in my head I'm thinking, This Night Is Blown to Hell. I just feel pissed. I'm annoyed. My mind goes to, he doesn't care. I'm upset anyways because I really wanted to go somewhere tonight, but we did not find a sitter. We did get chinese food. I got out the sparkling cider, to which he says, you know, I don't really like this stuff, I know you find it special, but its kind of an expensive drink. okay....Yeah, and this meal was $32, and well, I guess it is a lot of food....I'm deep breathing on the inside....and I can't even write this blog post.

We finally make it upstairs, he is putting Daniel to bed, who is out for the night, and we figure out how to use the computer and get to my blog not through facebook, create a new password, and now I'm in. And then Carl says to me
"You were mean to me. And you know why people are mean? They get frustrated. Maybe you didn't mean to be mean, but I felt your anger towards me."
"I'm very sorry, and guess what I was going to write about tonight?"  "What?"
"Love, how ironic is that...way to convict my spirit..."

We hugged, he also apologized for I don't even know what. I apologized. He went downstairs while I am writing...The Night Is Not Blown To Hell.
We will watch a movie together, drink hot cocoa, maybe have a cinnamon roll. He told me after watching this inspirational movie with him I will want to blog about it...but I did not want to wait...I'll blog about it tomorrow.

Why is Love Harder?
 Because I am selfish.
 Because I am quick to explode and slow to Love.
 Because I want my way. I want what I want when I want it.
Because I have had a long week, and I'm tired, and I feel like crying, and it has nothing to do with Carl, but he's here, he's my best friend, and he'll take it.

Why is Loving Someone Forever Harder?
Because you have to say "I'm sorry"...when you are wrong.
Because you get comfortable with that person and let it all out, and sometimes its so ugly, and horrid, and hurtful. And then you have to accept someones difficult moments, you have to accept their apologies for the same stupid stuff over and over and over again...
Do you have any idea how many times I've gotten angry in 30 years??? More than I can count. Do you know how many times Carl has accepted my apology? Including tonight? Every Single Time.
How many times have I accepted his apologies? Every Single Time.
Admitting your are wrong is harder than disappearing. Disappearing upstairs, pretending to go to sleep, ignoring each other, not talking...yeah, we've done that. But not anymore. He followed me upstairs.
Come on Julie, Come on, we will figure this out.  He doesn't let me disappear. He doesn't let me wander off. He will stop me, hug me, look me in the eye...Come on Julie...Come on...

 Love takes time and energy that sometimes you feel like you just don't have. Love takes compromise, that we simply did not have when we first started out, but gained it through trial and error and a whole lot of passion. His tendencies towards chaos has subsided. I still get a bit steamed, but very rarely now. We deal with it and move on.

We have mercy for each other. We offer grace for our mistakes.
We say "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
We are real.
I know Carl doesn't really like it when I cry, but he holds me anyways.
I don't like it when he's gone, but I know he's working so hard and is dedicated to his work.
We both hate having to spend so much money on oil, but the occasional Chinese food meal of $32 is needed.
(I try to not let his price announcing for ever single thing not bother me...TRY...did I say TRY?..
but I love him more!)

Tonight will be out little date night in. It was not spoiled by a rouge computer, or missed blog post, or whatever else...
Because we would have refocused and realized what was important.
But, I'm glad we figured it out...together.
Its harder to love, but far more worth it...
I realize the blessing of the Hard as I stand and watch the moon eclipse with the guy I  love.

Love to my Loves

Julie Erb Robbins